Rowena

Hi everyone, I've never posted on any sites like this before but came across this website in sheer desperation after having another massive break up with my girlfriend. I apologise for the length of this post in advance but i have never discussed anything like this before. Im based in England, and I dont really know a lot about american drinking culture, but where I'm from in North Yorkshire, there are 365 pubs. Apparantly, our city has the highest density of pubs for a population anywhere in the UK. So I guess you can understand why many people have drink problems. I have been with my partner for 3 years, and I am truely in love with her - but like I have read in many other posts, she turns into a monster when she drinks. I have lost count of the countless rows, break ups, heartache and tears that her drinking has caused me, and no matter what I say or do, nothing can prevent her from choosing to drink when she wants to. Her main issue is that she knows no other culture, she has been brought up around alchohol her entire life, her whole social life is conducted within pubs as she lives within the city walls. If she walked into any pub in the town she would know someone. She is a great character, and is liked and loved by many, but her drinking has been part and parcel of her life for 30 years. Now ive tried and failed to get to grips with what an alcoholic is, but I agree if it affects your relationships and working life then there is a problem. She doesn't drink every day, but when she does drink, she always promises me she will just have a few pints, and then 1 more, 1 more, and before long she is totally drunk and treating me like an ********. Now I have a 7 year old daughter who lives with part of the time, and with her father the other time, and I will not tolerate anyone drinking around her or behaving differently due to alcohol, and so far my daughter has only seen her drunk twice. I am not a big drinker at all, and I have found myself over the last 3 years sacrificing what I want to do because of her drink problems. My anxiety when she drinks has reached such a level that I have been crippled with stomach pains, I have been so frustrated with my partner that I have lashed out and hit her which I have regretted massively. I feel like i am in this awful state of no mans land because I love her so much, and when Im angry with her I think that I can live without her and that I can get on with my life without worrying about her. After all she has brought it all on herself. But then after 3 days of not speaking (she has another place she goes to when we fall out) i cave in and take her back. I seriously have lost count of the number of times I have packed her stuff into binliners and taken it to her flat. I think it makes it easier when there is no kids involved, but I have managed to keep my daughter totally oblivious to the fights. I never row with her in the house and dont allow drinking when shes here, it always happens when shes at her dads, but my daughter loves my partner like a parent. She has been in her life since the age of 4, so how can i tear them apart and explain to my daughter that even though she loves her, and I love her, we cant be a family anymore because she is too selfish to realise she has a drink problem? I have never felt heartache like this. The most recent fall out literally happend 5 hours ago - and this is classic text book reading of my life for the last 3 years. Basically it involves her telling me shes going to be really careful with what she drinks, then ignoring any advice I give her, she promises we are going to leave the pub after 1 more drink, and then she gets just one more, then one more, by which point I am getting really pissed off waiting. She then decides that I should go home and she drinks god knows how many more beers while I am left seething at home worrying about her and also extremely angry at the fact that she can treat me like this, and also at times my daughter has witnessed her chose the pub over us, which is a horrible rejection. I know my partner loves me, but she has a horrible character when she is drunk. It repulses me and I hate her when she is drunk. But when she is sober I love her and we are like soulmates. The agony of all this suffering is making me ill, I cant sleep because of anxiety and im scared that when we keep breaking up and she gets drunk that someone will take advantage of her. Shes very vulnerable when she is drunk, and I feel that if anything happened to her because of the self desctructive path she has chosen, due to me leaving her, I would never forgive myself. I have just purchased the book of co-dependant which has been highly recommended on here and I hope that it will give me sanity. I have been to 1 al anon meeting which I felt helped me but its hard for me to get to them as I work so much. Thanks for listening to me rant on.

sugarbear1

Welcome to SR!

You may also want to scroll down and check out the Family and Friends Forum.

Glad you are here!

Codependency No More is a great book to read.

Stick around! We need you here!

instant

welcome to SR

It's sad but we can't make others change. Active alcoholism is irrational, but many otherwise rational people are trapped within it. I have in the past inflicted misery on my loved ones.

The family and friends section would be a better bet than this thread.

Threshold

Hugs, a very very painful situation. I feel how torn your heart is. The Family and Friends forum section here will most likely be very helpful to you. Many people here have or are currently experiencing what you are.

The potential damage to your daughter from having an alcoholic step parent in her life, from seeing the damage done to you, and learning co-dependent behaviors are probably worse than any pain she might feel from losing your partner in her life.

Losing something or someone we love, who is damaging us, is painful, but it does open up space and energy in our lives for things that are good for us.