Is no contact forever?
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 15
Is no contact forever?
I've been no contact with my exAH for almost 4 years now. I am in a happy, loving relationship with a great guy. But I still frequently see my ex as he lives within blocks of our home. We don't say hi or communicate, the most we'll do is acknowledge each other with a wave. Things ended badly, I had to walk away and go no contact, and I know I'm lucky in that he took me seriously when I said enough was enough and our relationship was over (for the most part - he did stalk me briefly).
I still feel a tremendous sense that things were left unfinished. There are things I would like to say to him that I never got to say. Even if it were in an email, I guess I feel like I need to tell him these things because I'm worried something will happen to him and I'll have never had the chance. There is no anger anymore, nothing negative I want to tell him. Mainly I'm looking for the opportunity to tell him I have forgiven him, and I'd like him to know. It feels incomplete without the other party being aware.
On the other hand, I don't want to open up a can of worms. I'm well aware that there could be a fall-out from me making contact again. So I'm asking because I really don't know... does no-contact mean forever? Does it mean waiting until the addict comes to you, even if that day may never come? Or is it okay to give it a try once the dust has settled? I absolutely do not want to make things worse for him or re-open old wounds. My intent is good, but that doesn't always mean the outcome will be. Words of wisdom please!
I still feel a tremendous sense that things were left unfinished. There are things I would like to say to him that I never got to say. Even if it were in an email, I guess I feel like I need to tell him these things because I'm worried something will happen to him and I'll have never had the chance. There is no anger anymore, nothing negative I want to tell him. Mainly I'm looking for the opportunity to tell him I have forgiven him, and I'd like him to know. It feels incomplete without the other party being aware.
On the other hand, I don't want to open up a can of worms. I'm well aware that there could be a fall-out from me making contact again. So I'm asking because I really don't know... does no-contact mean forever? Does it mean waiting until the addict comes to you, even if that day may never come? Or is it okay to give it a try once the dust has settled? I absolutely do not want to make things worse for him or re-open old wounds. My intent is good, but that doesn't always mean the outcome will be. Words of wisdom please!
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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Thanks anvilhead. That's what I needed. It would be so much easier if I didn't see him so often - out of sight, out of mind. It reminds me that things were left so ugly. But, yes, I'm in a happy, loving relationship and don't want to jeopardize anything I've worked towards.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 227
I agree with anvilhead. It's been 4 years, why would you want to reopen that can of worms? If you feel like you need closure, write a letter to him then burn it...offer your words up to the universe. Reconnecting with him with allow the toxicity back into your life and I'm sure your new partner will not appreciate that. What's done is done. Keep moving on.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
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Well....four years.......you'd think 30 would be long enough, huh?
I had a brief bit of contact with my XAH last year. We've been divorced for almost 30 years. Our son is addicted and spiraling. He (XAH) wanted to talk to me about it and had his sister contact me to try to arrange it. So I bit.
There were a few cordial conversations. I had let go of the anger many, many, many years ago. And then it happened........XAH went sideways and began harrassing me. Serial text messages. Messages on my home phone. Messages on my work "general" voicemail (not my private email but one that all of our employees could listen to). They were crazy messages that made little sense. I wound up having to file a restraining order on him. 30 years.......who would have known that a man could hold so much anger and resentment for so long. It's not just his drug use that has taken him down.....it's the behaviors that are associated with addiction. Blame. Anger. Denial. Resentment.
That was my experience. If you venture into still waters, watch out for the vortex.
gentle hugs
ke
I had a brief bit of contact with my XAH last year. We've been divorced for almost 30 years. Our son is addicted and spiraling. He (XAH) wanted to talk to me about it and had his sister contact me to try to arrange it. So I bit.
There were a few cordial conversations. I had let go of the anger many, many, many years ago. And then it happened........XAH went sideways and began harrassing me. Serial text messages. Messages on my home phone. Messages on my work "general" voicemail (not my private email but one that all of our employees could listen to). They were crazy messages that made little sense. I wound up having to file a restraining order on him. 30 years.......who would have known that a man could hold so much anger and resentment for so long. It's not just his drug use that has taken him down.....it's the behaviors that are associated with addiction. Blame. Anger. Denial. Resentment.
That was my experience. If you venture into still waters, watch out for the vortex.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 160
Are you sure you want to talk to him to get something off your chest, or is it possible that you are still wanting to hear something from him? If that is the case, you are unlikely to get any satisfaction from the interaction.
Dont feel bad if you are not 100% past all this stuff even after years. I think it just shows how caring your kind heart is. I think you already know to direct that caring at the ones in your life who deserve it instead- for example, at you.
Dont feel bad if you are not 100% past all this stuff even after years. I think it just shows how caring your kind heart is. I think you already know to direct that caring at the ones in your life who deserve it instead- for example, at you.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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Kindeyes - wow, that's quite an eye opener. How upsetting that must have been for you. Thank you for sharing it. That's my answer right there, I guess no-contact does essentially have to be forever. If your XAH couldn't hold it together after 30 years, there's really no hope after 4. There is no way I want to let the crazy back into my life, and it sounds like there's a very real possibility of it.
sevenofnine - That's a good question. I don't think there's anything I want to hear from him. I mean, in a perfect world with a sane, rational person, sure. But I'm fairly certain he's still using, and I'm aware of the fact that even if he said what I wanted to hear, I couldn't really believe it. Most of it is just quacking. I honestly just wanted to be able to make amends for my part and forgive his, whether he cared or understood or not. To know that I'd said it, and he'd heard it - or read it - would be enough.
But the price is too high. It wasn't meant to be an invitation back into my life. That's why I was thinking an email, because then he doesn't even have to respond, and actually hopefully he doesn't. But it's still contact, and if there's a risk of things going sideways like Kindeyes experienced, then no way.
Thank you for your thoughtful responses. It's sad to know that I can never make peace with this, or at least, I'll have to do it from within which at this point has felt incomplete. Maybe I'll write the letter and burn it like Hearbroken0608 suggests.
sevenofnine - That's a good question. I don't think there's anything I want to hear from him. I mean, in a perfect world with a sane, rational person, sure. But I'm fairly certain he's still using, and I'm aware of the fact that even if he said what I wanted to hear, I couldn't really believe it. Most of it is just quacking. I honestly just wanted to be able to make amends for my part and forgive his, whether he cared or understood or not. To know that I'd said it, and he'd heard it - or read it - would be enough.
But the price is too high. It wasn't meant to be an invitation back into my life. That's why I was thinking an email, because then he doesn't even have to respond, and actually hopefully he doesn't. But it's still contact, and if there's a risk of things going sideways like Kindeyes experienced, then no way.
Thank you for your thoughtful responses. It's sad to know that I can never make peace with this, or at least, I'll have to do it from within which at this point has felt incomplete. Maybe I'll write the letter and burn it like Hearbroken0608 suggests.
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