chronsweet

So, my ABF comes into work today and is told he has to go get a Class B License Permit. He has his car here. He comes in to ask if he can use my car because he spent all his money on drinking the last two weeks and is broke until payday. Guess what, I am broke too for spending all my money on food to feed our family. He gave me $55 bucks for diapers, food, and household goods for 2 entire weeks and considers this 'chipping in'. Wish I could spend only 55 freaking dollars and eat three meals a day, provide diapers and necessities for our son as well as wipe my arse. So, basically he had 500 bucks minus 55 bucks for which he chipped in the last 2 weeks to himself. I had this same amount of money and had to feed everyone in the household and ended up having to dip into my savings because I was running low on cash due to Mother's Day weekend.

Geesh, if he would actually chip in with me instead of buying alcohol then we would be living on close to 1000 bucks every 2 weeks, which isn't too shabby. I digress.

Anyhow, he comes in and asks to borrow my car to run the errands he needs to take care of for work (getting his Class B License) because I have gas in mine and he wants to save his gas. I told him if he borrowed my car he'd have to pay me 10 bucks back for the gas he used when he gets paid(it isn't cheap!), and instead he used his own car. Quite remarkable.

Just needed to vent and let off some steam otherwise I get all wrapped up in what a tightwad he is at the expense of his protection of his alcohol funds. I am sure he has money *saved* for the next two days worth of drinking until we get paid. Let him use THAT to pay for his own freaking gas.

womaninprogress

It always baffled me....my A would spend 350 a WEEK on bar tabs, but when grocery shopping he would literally stand and debate getting eggs for 1.50 a dozen, he would put them in the cart and take them out...by the time we went to checkout he had not one purchase. I guess a man has to have his priorities.

Spes

chronsweet, I apologize in advance if I am out of line here and I want you to understand that I write this with empathy and respect.

I have read all your prior posts including the thread where we talked about child support. I will say this again, he fathered your child and that makes him morally and legally obligated to support your child. If he won't do it voluntarily; then the Courts can make him do it.

Ask yourself....will you and your son be better off without him? After reading all your posts, you certainly aren't any better with him. I remember your promise to yourself on your birthday tomorrow. Perhaps you need to think about that present.

I know you're hurting and resentful and angry. I understand those emotions and I am certainly not the one to tell you what to do. As I told you that last time we wrote...all I care about is the safety and well being of you and your son.

(On a side note.....an alcoholic with a Commercial License driving a big truck in your city? Thats a scary thought.)

chronsweet

Spes, yes I completely understand about the child support deal. We aren't married and to actually get child support from him actually makes it easier for him to get custody of my son. I want to make that as hard as possible for him as it will take action on his part to do that as well as money. I would rather move out with my son when my lease is up and just support him financially. For me, that is better for my son as I have assumed custody because I am the mother in an unmarried situation.

I don't think he will voluntarily give up HIS money. I really don't and to be honest I don't really care as long as I can get away from him soon. I have to wait until my lease is up. I kick myself in the rear for moving out and into another place with him, but I know this time around I am firm in my convictions. His disease is only getting worse and harder to live with.

As far as the Commercial License, he doesn't drink and drive. I can't control his actions, so I won't try. He needs it to work and he only drives big trucks at work and doesn't come to work drinking. Where his disease progresses is not my responsibility as far as that is concerned. Scary to say that we have a couple people with commercial licenses who drink daily and have for years. They don't drink at work, but go home and create havoc for their families I am sure. I can only control what I can control, things I am learning to deal with everyday.

Thanks Spes. I have been in great pain in this relationship but I did get myself to Al-Anon and will attend again on Friday. I think that will be my day to go because it is before the weekend and will help me to cope with it.

As far as his not contributing to food, household items, I told him to not expect to eat if he can't chip in this next pay period. My mom made the suggestion that I only shop for a day or two's worth of food and not to include him in meal plans. I actually came home on Friday with food from the Taco Shop for me and my son and he was all perturbed that I didn't bring him food too. I said, you know where the taco shop is, if you want something, go get it. I then proceeded to go to Al-Anon. So, small steps.

Spes

I understand....take care, my friend.

We are all here for you.

chronsweet

Well thanks. I love SR, without it I would surely have felt crazy by now. I am learning that I can't cure my ABF and that has been my biggest struggle in dealing with him throughout our relationship. His enabling mother has enlisted me to be the cure-all for his many addictions. I can't blame it on her though, because I allowed it to happen. Once and for all, I am over it. I do not talk to her about his actions anymore. She seriously has guilted me into staying with him since before my baby was born, closing in on almost 3 years of bullying to get me to stay with this guy.

I am learning to let go. I have heard it said on these boards so many times, but if we could cure this disease with love it would all but be eradicated from earth many times over already.

Good luck to you Spes on your journey towards healing yourself.

changeschoices

Ugh! This brings back memories of my AX rushing out to my garage before work to take my soda can empties to turn in for change at the grocery store to buy gas money because he blew all his paycheck on drinking. And pouring the gas from the little gas container I had for my lawn mower into his car in the morning. He's 41 and college educated. I was mortified.

Adventure

Jesus just realised my AH does this too. Will buy the cheapest of everything except his Vodka - only Smirnoff for him of course!! Never struck me how ridiculous this was until now!!

wanttobehealthy

Chronosweet- it seems unlikely he'd manage to get custody & his paying child support doesn't give him leverage in the custody dept. I wonder whether he's put thatbideanin your head to try and scare you out of involving the courts? He sounds very manipulative among other things.

And to add to the tales of miserly alcoholics... Mine argued w me for buying our kids new shoes when they outgrew theirs and same w clothing but he'd think nothing of dropping hundreds on clothing for himself & ALWAYS had a rationalization for why it was reasonable for him to spend crazily on clothing while berating the girls and I and telling the kids they should make do w one pair of shoes each.

They're all the same; selfish & self centered.

chronsweet

WTBH - Very selfish indeed. I have never been so giving in a relationship (seriously) and been so, overlooked. Overlooked isn't even the right word, let's try neglected.

I broke up with my ex-husband after a 13 year relationship, and there were reasons that I won't go into here because he was a much different man. But man o man, that guy was not stingy at all. First we basically shared money and it was a non-issue. Our goals were always the same, to progress in life together. If we went out, he's always buy dinner, movie tickets, you name it, it was on him. I didn't take selfishly at all. We both put our all in.

My current ABF has NEVER thought about me over himself, ever, not once. My mom told me he wouldn't make me happy, should have listened. At least I have my son, that is the only positive thing from being with him. My kiddo is AWESOME and beautiful.

wanttobehealthy

I have two wonderful daughters and they arevthebonly good things to come out of my marriage to my AH so I can relate to what you're saying about your son Chronsweet.

witharealwinner

OMG....I just had to respond to this. I went out yesterday to mow our lawn (b/c abf-makes me want to puke just calling him that) since he can't be bothered and went to top off the tank so I wouldn't have to stop--only to find out that he STOLE the gas I bought a little over a week ago (filled that little 2 1/2 gal tank) and put it into his car. I was beyond furious, flying around the yard mowing on what gas was left and crying b/c I was so mad.

His unemployment recently ran out, he's applied to ONE place, and asked his sister to send him money to pay his car loan, car insurance, and get gas in his car. When he first got the money, he paid those things. The very next thing he did? Went out and bought himself one of those 30 packs of beer. Then, bought his babies ONE gallon of milk (after I said how dare he go out and get beer and not even think of his babies) and got himself a few items of food he likes to eat. I keep asking him for money for diapers, milk, wipes, etc. that the babies need, and he keeps telling me he has no money, or he needs what little he has for himself. Code for I need money for alcohol.

Since he now has no income coming in (not like I was even seeing any of it when he was getting unemployment) I get food stamps. He's mad b/c I won't let him use the card so he can get things like a bag of shrimp, or steak umms, or whatever else he wants. I need that help to buy food for my kids. I told him if he wants those things to get a job and get it.

I am working very hard on trying to get him out of here. I can't stand his using me and abusing me; it's not fair to my kids or me.

Oh and when I confronted him about the gas he took? He says, "maybe it evaporated." I about hit the roof and told him that I'm not stupid. I told him that he won't be able to be so slick next time; that I went out and got the gas, filled up the mower, and put the rest in MY van's gas tank.

Justfor1

withawinner, don't let him ever use your food stamp card. Because he can buy booze with it at certain illegal small bodega type shops. He can also sell it for cash. If he is hungry make him go to a food bank.

witharealwinner

Justfor1....oh believe me, I'm NOT letting him have it. He doesn't even know the pin number. He isn't happy about it, but oh well. I'm trying to make his life miserable in hopes that he might find someone new to leech off of.

I'm pretty proud of myself for holding firm thus far in regards to not paying his car, his insurance, buying him alcohol, etc. I can't afford it anyway. I figure, if he can't even buy things for his little babies, then forget him. Useless. I can't believe how nasty and selfish some alcoholics can be and, just to add, how vile abusive people are.

Told him yesterday to go ahead and find someone else. One can only hope.

wow04

Chronosweet, I don't know where you live. I know where I live if you aren't married Child Support and Visitation/Custody are two different issues. With my oldest child I filed for Child Support and he thought that mean he got visitation. He was wrong he had to take me to court for Visitation.

Don't let that keep you from leaving him. You deserve the child support for your child.

God Bless!!