lfrog

I am new here but I really need some help/advice. I have been dating an alcoholic for 6 months now. When we met he have 4 years sobriety, he moved to Oregon from California to be with me. This sent him into a depression and he started drinking again. At that point he had been diagnosed with depression and PTSD (abusive father).
He has put me through several drunken nights and days. The "normal" alcoholic stuff.
He has since been in rehab (his decision) 2 times for 3 weeks each. This last time that he was in rehab I made a decision that I didn't want him to live with me anymore. He needed to go to sober living where he could have structure. My friends and my dad have supported this decision and helped me get ready for his release and move. Also they re-diagnosed him with Bi-Polar disorder while in rehab. They have him on many different medications, and did blood tests to make sure his levels were good before releasing him.
I was strong on the day he got released and he came and got his stuff and moved into sober living. He came by the next day and we took my kids to the park and talked. He really thinks that this time will be different, and I know we all have heard this before, but with the mental illness under control I don't know if will make a difference or not.
He is willing to stay in sober living but would like to still date me. I love him so much and when he is good it is really good. I have so much love for this man I really want to believe he will get better now that he is medicated.
My dad really doesn't want us to get back together he thinks that it is a lost cause, and 3 strikes your our sort of thing.
I really don't know what to think or what to believe.
Please help.

Spes

I'm sorry you are in turmoil but I'm happy you stopped here. The wonderful people in this forum will be along to share their experiences with you.

I made the decision to marry my alcoholoc wife and I can tell you it has been a very hard journey for me. She too has mental issues and takes drugs for depression and other related issues. I will never leave her and it is a decision I will live with. I'm older than you and my kids are grown and moved away from home.

I have found that reading all the stickeys at the top of this forum will give you the insight to answer your questions on what to think or what to believe. Also, members here give me insight every day that makes my life better and helps me to cope. There are excellent books that others will recommend that have answered the same questions for me that you are asking.

All I can add is, whatever decisions you make, remember your children. What kind of life do you want for your children? What kind of future do you want for youself?

I wish you well.

EnglishGarden

We rarely break off a relationship because someone else thinks we should. We break off relationships because of a series of painful experiences which we learn from and we make a choice based on those.

There are so many reasons why you should be very cautious and I understand your father's worry. But I have a feeling you are not ready to walk away. You haven't had enough pain, disappointment, or betrayals, as it has been only 6 months' connection to this man.

So...if you sleep with him, it will be best to use protection, as you do not know who he really is and alcoholics have a lot of secrets. It will be good for you to start attending Al-Anon weekly and studying the literature they provide about alcoholism and relationship.

I wish you could suspend romantic relationship with him and simply, if you wish, stay in casual touch--lunch now and then, etc--for the next year as you gather more experience and information about who he is. But, you may not feel you can do that.

We are always here to give feedback as things unfold. Welcome to SR. There are links to good information on our opening page. Look for the links labeled "Sticky".

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as often as needed.

I have found a lot of information and wisdom by reading in the sticky posts at the top of this forum's main page. One of my favorite stickies contains steps which helped me with my alcoholic loved one.

Here is a link to that sticky post:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

lfrog

This is so hard for me. I really feel like he might get better this time, I have all heard that "this time will be different" line a few times now. I don't know why I think the new medication will make anything better.
He really is a wonderful man when he is not depressed and/or drinking. I know he can get sober and stay that way; he did it for 4 years before.
I would like to give him a few months maybe even a year to get back on his feet and then maybe he can move back in. It is too hard to completely let go of him yet.
Thank you everyone for your help and your support. I am on my way out to a meeting now.

chronsweet

Actually it is an unknown whether he can get sober and stay that way forever. It is a matter if you want to go on the rollercoaster ride with him and take your kids along for the ride.

My ABF and I have a son, and he can 't even get sober, and stay that way for more than a day or two. All I know is this disease is progressive. When I leave my ABF I will NEVER, and I mean EVER, be involved with an alcoholic, recovered or not.

There are lots of people out there who have NOT inflicted this diseased upon themselves and would ultimately make a much better role model for children. Further, I would never experience my child to an alcoholic who wasn't even his father. Many times children are abused by alcoholics especially when there is no relation.

Don't mean to sound harsh, but I have been through five years of addiction's false hopes and false fantasies and the results and conclusion are always the same.

marie1960

I honestly have to agree with your dad.

There is something truly amazing about the wisdom of a father.

tomsteve

He has put me through several drunken nights and days.


who let him put you through those drunken days and nights? were you tied up and forced into it? we alcoholics gotta look in the mirror.
staying out of the relationship for a year.will help you work on you and see why you feel you need this relationship so much.

Hopeworks

Time reveals all. Keeping plenty of space between you for the next year will shed a lot more light on the subject.

I wish I could offer you a lot of hope but it is very, very rare that these things work out... however... we the loved ones even knowing how slim the odds usually refuse to give up on our A's.

I watched my mom refuse to give up or leave or dad even when it meant abuse for all of us and even terror. I personally have refused to give up on either of the A's I have loved and spent yea s with both hoping for miracles that never came.

I think we watched too many movies and cartoons as kids and are stuck on "happily ever after" and believe that no matter how much reality doesn't support the fantasy we just won't give it up!

chicory

Alcoholics DO recover. Not all, but who knows who will or who won't.

It sounds like you are smart enough to know when to keep trying or when to give up. My best wishes to you both,
chicory

wanttobehealthy

Listen to your Dad. That's my advice. If at 6 months in, there is already this much turmoil, there is little likelihood you're going to have the fairy tale you hope for with him.

I wasted the past 14 years (between dating and marriage) with a man who I stayed with because of who he was "deep down". I kept waiting for the man I thought I married to appear and I "believed" in him and felt it wasn't nice of me to give up.

All that thinking got me was abused and miserable. I have two wonderful daughters and am glad for my marriage for that reason alone.

Not that I have any business being the voice of "this is what a r/s should be" but... my thinking about r/s is that you should be happy with the person as they are in the present moment, not hoping they will be someone else and waiting for the r/s to be a good one when that change occurs.

Do you like the r/s as it is with your BF as he is now? If not, what are your reasons for staying? Maybe put those answers down in writing and ask yourself if your reasons are good enough for you?

lfrog

Our relationship is really good when it is good, but really bad when its bad. I am having a hard time with the ups and downs. I know he is bi-polar but now I feel like I am also!
Yesterday he brought me flowers and spent time with my girls. He left for a few hours and was going to come back to have dinner with me and didn't show up. I tried calling him for 3 hours before he finally responded and he said that he was upset with me for breaking up with him. I don't know why he was ok with it in the morning and by the afternoon he was not. I guess that is the bi-polar speaking.
I want to be done, I really do. I am going to try to not contact him and make him come to me if he wants to talk. That is very hard for me to do, but I am going to try.

Thanks everyone for the help/advice.

wanttobehealthy

I get the good when it's really good and really bad when it's bad... With me the good times grew more and more sporadic and the warmth to coldness like you describe of yesterday is familiar too. From an outsider's perspective, bi polar or not, he is not treating you with respect. Saying he'll be back and then punishing you by not keeping his word and causing you, on mothers day, to spend 3 hrs worrying (look at the control he has over you-- and again, I say this as someone who gave ALL my power to AH for years-- not judging at all) is NOT the way someone deserves to be treated.

You deserve to be treated well all the time, not just sometimes.

lfrog

I am going to try to keep my distance from him. Give us both some space. I think if I do that I will come to realize that he is not the best thing for me. I know this in my head, just not in my heart.
I keep trying to tell myself that I deserve better. I know I can get better, I just don't know how to find it.

lillamy

Don't worry about finding better. Worry about getting better. When you've lived on this roller coaster that is addiction, you owe it to yourself to put your energy into your own recovery. And the rest will follow.

I can relate to your story because my AXH also has an undiagnosed mental illness. But by the time he got sober (for a while), there had been too much pain and too much hurt already, and it no longer mattered why he had treated me the way he had. It was an explanation that has made it possible for me to have compassion for him -- but it was not enough to make me want to take another chance with him.