szerelem

So I was just introduced to this term "dry drunk". I've read about it and it seems to characterize my husband's behaviours. There are some characteristics that he doesn't display. For example, he is not mean, he is the kindest nicest man, he doesn't get angry to the point where he explodes but I know he is internalizing his anxiety, he never openly talks or shares an opinion, he always avoids me and topics of discussion, especially if we fight.

He has been sober for a little over 4 years. Great for him, but my life is slipping away because he doesn't want to have a relationship with me. Or is it me?

I mean I've been very upset with him, I have lost control of myself completely at times. It seems like most days these past few months I've taken on his behaviour of silence and avoidance. What is happening to me? I know he's unhappy and I know I am so unhappy, but I love him so much. Suggestions?

Thank you!!

akrasia

So what behaviours are bothering you? Everyone internalises anxiety to some extent. Better than having tantrums all the time. I'm sure he talks sometimes. And what exactly is he avoiding?

Perhaps he's just less demonstrative than before. Maybe he doesn't wish to "fight" but to wait until you're both calm and then have a talk.

It sounds like you're trying to draw him into fights ("discussions") and he's trying to keep himself in a calm frame of mind. Maybe you can find a middle ground?

Pelican

What are you getting out of this relationship?

What is your definition of Love?

How are you so unhappy and so in love at the same time?

You don't need to answer those questions publicly, but I hope you will look at those questions as a starting point to looking within yourself at what you are truly feeling/wanting out of this relationship and your one precious life.

totfit

There is no such thing as "dry drunk". Just a term made up to explain inappropriate human behavior. If a person had never been a drunk before, one would not call them a "dry drunk", just an a**.

RoundII

Sounds like neither of you are good at communicating your thoughts and emotions. It is easier to say what is on your mind when drinking, but sober he may not know how. I struggle with this as well. In my family noone discussed feelings. You were happy or mad, not much else. My AF did not approve of tears or sadness you just needed to " be a man and get over it".
Today, attending Al anon, I am trying to learn what my emotions are and how to deal with them. I still have a long way to go and still have not figured out how to talk to my AW when drinking.
I guess my point is I need to work on my own end of the equation instead of finding fault with others communication issues. I can only control my own actions in dealing with others.
I wish you the best.

changeschoices

Well, a dry drunk is a person who has quit drinking but still has the dysfunctional behaviors/thoughts of an active alcoholic. Dry drunks basically don't have the general happiness/motivation/spiritual connection/meaningful life that sober/recovered/non-addicted people have. Their communication styles/world views/self esteem are all lacking--still primarily negative, self-centered, closed off, unhappy. In other words, they don't embrace their lives or relationships with openness, optimism, or motivation. They're dry, but not recovered. They are still wrapped up in their anxities and not living life very well.

Which came first, the alcoholism or the miserable human being? Is a dry drunk fundamentally a jerk or a neurotic, or emotionally/spiritually undeveloped and stagnant from years of addictive thinking and its attendant problems (low self esteem, damaged relationships, etc.)? It's hard to say, and doesn't really matter.

As with the codependent, the only cure for the dry drunk is embracing selfhood and relationships with a sense of meaning and purpose.