Worknprogresss

Hello everyone,

I dont know really where to start with my story. I guess I can start with that yes I am an addict(opiates,benzoz and THC) and that I have pretty much gone down every road possible to get help. I have been to multiple rehab centers, hospitolized, been to councelors and every other option my family thought would help me. I have essential lost everything that I had eccept for my family and loving girlfriend.

I have gotten to the point where i dont have the urge everyday. I feel that those are steps forward to living with out any sort of substances in my life. However, today as i sit here typing this I am in a very difficult situation.

The beggining of March I had 2 seizures in a 8 hour period. The first one happened in a movie theater and i seized and bent backwords over the chair. Causing every muscle in my back to hyper extend and some to be slightly torn. I have tried for three months to be on all different meds that are non narcotic. I have spent hours crying and asking god to please just make the pain stop.

I have abused my meds so much in the past that I cant get any help now. I hate myself for it and I know that no one will trust me but I hurt sooooo bad; inside and out. I read on the forum some stories of people like me and it makes me break down into tears because I know what they are going through. Im getting to the point that I am about to throw in the towel and just tell my doctor i need them and i'm going to give them to my mom to dispence only when its time for me to take them.

Another, problem I have is that I used so much for so long that my tolerance is through the roof and opiates have the opposite effect on me then most people experience ex. i take 15-30mg of oxy and i get hyper and want to clean and talk to peopel and am just so awake and alive, my mother on the other hand take hand take half of a perc. 5 and falls asleep on the sofa.

I know my thought are probably rambeled and not together but neither is my mind, I'm just looking for some advice on what to do going forward because I cant live like this anymore, I just cant.

thank you in advance for any words of incouragement or advice.

J

artsoul

Welcome Worknprogress!

I'm sorry you've been through so much. You're not alone - we know how hard it is to try to break an addiction. I hope you check out our substance abuse forum:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/substance-abuse/

Most of us have found it impossible to stay sober on our own and needed ongoing support - I'm glad you're here!:ghug3

Sapling

Welcome Worknprogresss...Just curious if you've tried Narcotics Anonymous?...It's a 12 step program like AA...Which I use and have had success with. I have a few friends that are clean now from working that program...Just wondered if you ever tried it?

Wellsc61

I feel your pain.. I have a couple herniated disc and nerve damage and was on pain medication for over 11 years and I am 51 days clean today...*****...I go to NA as much as I can and come on the forum and just talk and listen to what ppl have to say....I am in pain a lot of the time but I know if I take just one pill I will be off to the races and I am not willing to change my sobriety date. I am being stubborn I know but it is the only way to go..I have made a commitment not to use no matter what... I am sorry your in pain but it will get better...

Sapling

Congrats on your 51 days Wellsc61. That's awesome.

Worknprogresss

You know after reading some of the other posts titles i saw that someone had titled their post the same as mine... So i am sorry for that. Sapling, I have been to many AA and NA meetings and worked the steps. I end up falling off the wagon because the pain is just to severe and I cave in. I am weak, I will admit it. The only reason I have been clean for this short term is the fact that my parents took me in and I actually have a girlfriend that loves me and supports me. I take so many non Narcotics that i dont even know whats what. I am tired of taking all these meds and i want to be a normal 26 year old. I am too young to be dealing with all this bull.

Does anyone know of any other way that i could make this stop or at least attempt a procedure. I am willing to be a ginny pig for almost anything. I would let a dr try anything on me at this point.... i know that sounds over the top but thats just how i feel.

Sapling

Did you work the steps with a sponsor?... in AA?...Or NA?

Worknprogresss

I did not work them completely all the way through... I have never had a real sponsor i guess you could say. I have moved many times and can not get comfortable with others i guess.

Sapling

I kind of figured something like that...They tell us what half measures get us.

Sapling

Well...You still have that option open...You said you have gone down every road possible to get help...I can honestly tell you...I haven't seen anybody fail that has done those steps as laid out in the book with a sponsor yet...They say rarely in the book...I haven't seen it at all.

Zencat

I know how that feels. Once I got comfortable with myself, it made it somewhat easier to work with others.

Doing some self-improvement work, choosing not to drug no matter what and having an addiction treatment action plan that fits my unique needs is changing my life for the better. It can happen for you too.

Worknprogresss

you could say i am deff. uncomfortable with myself. My family is very successful and I am sort of the black sheep in the family. I am my worst enemy because when i get into my head beat myself up till there is nothing left.

Sapling

Sounds like a normal alcoholic to me...I know it sounds like me....I think what Zencat is talking about is AVRT....Or Rational Recovery....You don't need meetings for that route. I don't know much about it...Somebody here will explain it.

Zencat

So true, people with an addiction disorder, very often have very low self-worth, I know I did when I first started my wellness journey.

Here's some information about identifying and changing critical self-talk.

Self-esteem - feeling OK about who you are - ReachOut Australia
Give it a read and share your thought about it.