Pixie48

Hi everyone. I hope you're all doing well.

I drank myself stupid last night and have been throwing up every 20 minutes for about 6 hours. I'm not sure what's worse...the nausea or the shame. I'm in the same place I find myself every time I drink. I drink 2-3 times a week although I keep trying to quit. When I drink, I drink. I'll have a bottle of wine before I go out to the bar and drink God knows what. I am completely incapable of controlling how much I drink once I start. I won't ..or can't stop until I run out, fall asleep or get sick. Lately I've been getting violently ill every time I drink and I swear I'll never drink again. But it only takes me a few days to forget the sickness and embarrassment and I'm at it again. I recently got diagnosed with lupus and drinking sends me into flare ups and I'll be sick for days or even weeks. I have been told by my doctors numerous times "absolutely no drinking on your medications". I'm on methotrexate which can raise hell with your liver on it's own. And here I am binge drinking whenever I'm feeling up to it. The day after, I have severe anxiety, depression, shame, vomiting and body aches. Why isn't this enough to stop me? I also have been having seizures every single time I drink. But I keep doing it!

I know I have a problem. A big one. But the problem is this feeling doesn't last long and before I know it, I'm slamming back a bottle of wine, shots and beers and getting sick all over again. I feel absolutely helpless. Please..any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much for listening.

Nikki

Sapling

Welcome back Pixie48...What are you trying for a recovery program?...I was helpless and hopeless too....And there was no way I could stop on my own.

lifewithoutbooz

Hi Pixie,

I just joined this site because I've spent the last 13 years doing the same thing. I started getting sicker and sicker each time I drank and I knew I should stop but I kept doing it. There are a lot of great recovery programs out there but I had my last drink on Friday after I read a book called GUTS: The Endless Follies and Tiny Triumphs of a Giant Disaster. It's by Kristen Johnston (remember the gal that played Sally Saloman on 3rd Rock From the Sun?)

She recounts her partying life which included mostly alcohol but eventually she added some pills. Too make a long story short her stomach ruptured one night and all the contents spilled into her body - she was entirely septic and spent spent two months in the hospital. She almost died twice on the operating table.

The gruesome details made me think "Could this actually happen to someone?". Then I thought "WHAT IF IT HAPPENS TO ME!?". I know it's not the solution to my addiction but it sure gave me a wake up call and is leading me to look for help both here and other Recovery programs (AA is my next stop). Don't wait to due further damage that can't be undone. I've also realized myself that 'I'll just have a few' mindset isn't going to work for me.

Thoughts and prayers for both of us.

Zencat

Hi Pixie, have you told you doctor that your binge drinking? Being completely honest with my Dr's in absolute necessary for me. From what you write, it looks like your risking serious liver damage.

The big problem that I had with addiction, I wasn't accountable to anyone. Being accountable to my doctors acted as a great motivational mechanism.

doggonecarl

My goodness, Pix. You keep repeating the same, what sounds like, life-threatening behaviors. You don't want to admit to alcoholism, yet you can't quit. What is that if not alcoholism?

Regardless of what you want to call it, alcoholism, problem drinking...making a vow to quit isn't a recovery plan, though it's a start. Sounds like you need sustained support, perhaps even addmittance to rehab.

Please get help. Today.

LoftyIdeals

Ditto to doggonecarls response. Seizures? It seems that was added as an afterthought. They can be life-threatening. I wouldn't hesitate to get professional help immediately.

Sapling

You really have to listen to these people...You can do some serious damage to yourself drinking with meds. It's time to get honest with yourself and take some action. Find something...And put everything you got into it. I wish you the best. At least hang out here when you get the urge to drink. It's the first one that will kill you. That's how it is for me.

Anna

Pixie, you are not helpless.

You need to decide if you want to stop drinking or not. It doesn`t sound like you`re at that point yet. I hope you make the decision to live a sober life.

Wellsc61

Dear Pixie;

I had to go to a treatment facility tone.p me stop drugging. I had no choice I could not do it on my own. I needed to get rid of all the garbage that I have been carrying around. Then I had to make a commitment to not use today. I am not saying it is easy because it is ridiculously hard but I have found that I am worth it. I just can't use today and then I worry about tomorrow. It is really truely one day at a time. I am no expert, I have 50 days and prior to that I had 11 years but if I can do it so can you. Remember you are special and worth it!
Good luck, I will be praying for you..

Taking5

Its already been said but I'll say it again....a seizure is potentially a life threatening event. Get your but to a Dr., ASAP.

Pixie48

Thanks for your replies every one. Maybe I wasn't 100% clear about everything. I am perfectly aware that I am an alcoholic. I've known it for quite some time. I know it seems ridiculous that I drink despite my health issues, but that's how bad my problem is. I was recently diagnosed, but I have been sick for six years. Countless doctors just told me I was depressed or its all in my head so I have always used alcohol to medicate myself as no one else was treating me. When I drink, I can escape the pain and sickness I live with everyday. And if anyone here has a similar chronic illness, you'll understand that one night without pain is worth the misery the following few days. I started having seizures in January of this year. I was put on meds and wasn't having seizures even when I drank until a few weeks ago. It's just not that easy to stop. I tell myself oh I'm just having a flare-up; I'll be fine. I know I need to stop drinking. But I always make excuses for myself to do it. I know the risk I'm taking by drinking with my meds and medical condition, and I know how stupid I am for doing it. I'm going to have to get some help, because trying on my own has never worked. Thanks again

Sapling

So what are you going to do?...What is your plan?...Is in patient rehab an option?...Out patient rehab?....AA?.....The sooner you put some action into this the easier it will be and less time for you to make excuses...I wish you the best Pixie....You can change your life.

CaiHong

Hi Pixie,
All we can offer her is our support, our experience and how our lives have changed for the better. We can't do it for you. You admit you are powerless over alcohol but I sense that you are still not entirely convinced that you cant't live without it, citing the pain of your illness and your depression to continue.
Sorry I can't buy into that one. This is very serious, it's death or recovery. Please make the commitment to get well, believe me sobriety is a whole new ball game. It 's well worth the effort.
I hope that you find the strength to start on your road to recovery, once you start, recovery will create its own momentum.
CaiHong

2granddaughters

A.A. works for me, Pixie .... may just be the ticket for you as well.

All the best.

Bob R

karilynn27

I was just recently givnen the news about lupus and or mixed connective tissue disease. Lupus brings friends along for the ride from what I hear. I see my first specialist monday. I have felt terrible for years. I do know I was killing myself. My body was screaming. I didn't think I could quit but one day at a time, one breath if needed and I'm sober for longer than I have been since my pregnancy.
You can do this, I believe in you. I started studying and reading as if my life depended on it. The fellowship of meetings and those I know online is irreplacable.
Turns out my life does depend on it. For me to drink is to die.
Keep coming back, I lived on SR in the beginning.