Scared stiff about going back
Wombling Free
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Thailand
Posts: 60
Scared stiff about going back
Hi everyone,
I have been away from this forum a long time..because I have been drinking surprisingly enough.
Now, 18 months after I quit aa I have found that the "manageable" consumption has, once again, got back to the same levels as when I went into the fellowship 3 years ago. I know I won't be around that much longer if I continue to drink so much, my doctors have already warned me, advice that as an alcoholic I feel I have the right to ignore.
When I went back out I ignored repeated phone calls from aa friends as I had become so anti aa. Eventually the calls stopped, now I find myself without hardly any friends except my ex-sponser and two old timers who never judged me for going out and have never made any attempt to reel me back in. But its the rest of them that bother me,the judgmental ones. I have a big ego (I know that is no good- but I have it). I only see them every few months, they are good people, but I don't even like to admit to them that I am having problems, I just lie and say that things have never been better.
I was so convinced I could handle alcohol that I even built a bar in my yard complete with bar stools and fridge !!
I have not had a drink since Friday, which was really the last straw, I got wrecked and as a rule I have been able to avoid that. I have a big heart test at hospital tomorrow so I must not drink today, I think I'll be OK with this, it's what happens after that that scares me.
Has anyone any experience with a dilema similar to mine
I have been away from this forum a long time..because I have been drinking surprisingly enough.
Now, 18 months after I quit aa I have found that the "manageable" consumption has, once again, got back to the same levels as when I went into the fellowship 3 years ago. I know I won't be around that much longer if I continue to drink so much, my doctors have already warned me, advice that as an alcoholic I feel I have the right to ignore.
When I went back out I ignored repeated phone calls from aa friends as I had become so anti aa. Eventually the calls stopped, now I find myself without hardly any friends except my ex-sponser and two old timers who never judged me for going out and have never made any attempt to reel me back in. But its the rest of them that bother me,the judgmental ones. I have a big ego (I know that is no good- but I have it). I only see them every few months, they are good people, but I don't even like to admit to them that I am having problems, I just lie and say that things have never been better.
I was so convinced I could handle alcohol that I even built a bar in my yard complete with bar stools and fridge !!
I have not had a drink since Friday, which was really the last straw, I got wrecked and as a rule I have been able to avoid that. I have a big heart test at hospital tomorrow so I must not drink today, I think I'll be OK with this, it's what happens after that that scares me.
Has anyone any experience with a dilema similar to mine
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Sounds like your pride is as big an enemy as alcohol here. Can you find another group and start anew? If not, can you humble yourself and return to your old group, hat in hand, sit and listen for a few meetings and try again?
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome back, Womble - I'm sorry for what you've been going through but I'm glad you're here - it's good to hear from you! You're not the only one to relapse - there's plenty of us around.:ghug3
Try to stay in the solution and take it one day at a time.....
Try to stay in the solution and take it one day at a time.....
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I sure hope you will take care of yourself...as you know....
active alcoholism kills. Glad you did not die during this drinking period.
Welcome back to SR...
I remember when you were here.
active alcoholism kills. Glad you did not die during this drinking period.
Welcome back to SR...
I remember when you were here.
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Womble I am glad you are back. I cannot give you any solutions. I think those is the group who are rejecting of you are doing the best they can (at some level they know they may be next). We are all fallible. I think there is a lot of strength in humility and admitting your failings (which you have in your post at least to a degree).
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
I like this reading off of page 61-62
Our actor is self-centered - ego-centric, as people like to call it nowadays. He is like the retired business man who lolls in the Florida sunshine in the winter complaining of the sad state of the nation; the minister who sighs over the sins of the twentieth century; politicians and reformers who are sure all would be Utopia if the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?
Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
BB first edition.
Our actor is self-centered - ego-centric, as people like to call it nowadays. He is like the retired business man who lolls in the Florida sunshine in the winter complaining of the sad state of the nation; the minister who sighs over the sins of the twentieth century; politicians and reformers who are sure all would be Utopia if the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?
Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
BB first edition.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wales UK
Posts: 859
I'm not comfortable with AA but I do recognise step 1 as an absolute .
Then most need a focus to keep sober. AA helps many people , but support from someone or somewhere is I think vital so that instead of treading water until,you drink again you're experience life sober,and allowing yourself to become someone who enjoys life sober all the ups and downs planning a future with what we have and for me becoming who I have always wanted to be and amazingly find out alcohol just stopped me from doing that .
Allowing sobriety to be an amazing beacon of hope, fun and pleasure but that can't help when your just treading water. If AA helps you to move on that's good if not find something that does AVRT is straight forward and could help but for me listening here has helped so much and being able to speak here and have people answer so soon that your never alone.
Good luck and keep searching with all the effort that managed to put a bar in your yard !!
John.
Then most need a focus to keep sober. AA helps many people , but support from someone or somewhere is I think vital so that instead of treading water until,you drink again you're experience life sober,and allowing yourself to become someone who enjoys life sober all the ups and downs planning a future with what we have and for me becoming who I have always wanted to be and amazingly find out alcohol just stopped me from doing that .
Allowing sobriety to be an amazing beacon of hope, fun and pleasure but that can't help when your just treading water. If AA helps you to move on that's good if not find something that does AVRT is straight forward and could help but for me listening here has helped so much and being able to speak here and have people answer so soon that your never alone.
Good luck and keep searching with all the effort that managed to put a bar in your yard !!
John.
Spiritual Learner
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 165
Thank God you made it back, not everyone is so lucky! One thing I can attest once you have that allergy yoou always have that allergy- just like an allergy to strawberries once you eat a strawberry you break out instantly into as rash and keep eating end up in a hospital but with our disease alcoholISM it is cunning, baffling, powerful, yeah and patient! When you relapse sometimes you can control it but be sure it will consume you instead of the other way around!
Can we go into a dangerous neighborhood by our selves and expect not to get hurt? I needed other people to guide me because I couldn't guide myself (I see where I always went to). In order for me to be guided I had to reach out and listen to the advice of others what was given (it was alot better than the advice I was given to myself). I had some people that was not nice but they meant well or if they were that obnoxious I stayed away from them! People are human and ther is plenty of personalities around I was one of them but working the steps with a sponsor consistently i had that psychic change that is talked about.
The first step is to completely convince yourself that you are actually an alcoholic/addict and no matter when you will cross that line when it will become destructive-you have to do that no one else can! If you believe you are an alcoholic ask for help and follow that advice- kinda like following the presciption label for anti-biotics medicine.
Remember you don't have to quit drinkng/drugging forever all you have to do is quit drinking/drugging today! One day at a time is how it works! God Bless you on your journey towards sobriety!
Can we go into a dangerous neighborhood by our selves and expect not to get hurt? I needed other people to guide me because I couldn't guide myself (I see where I always went to). In order for me to be guided I had to reach out and listen to the advice of others what was given (it was alot better than the advice I was given to myself). I had some people that was not nice but they meant well or if they were that obnoxious I stayed away from them! People are human and ther is plenty of personalities around I was one of them but working the steps with a sponsor consistently i had that psychic change that is talked about.
The first step is to completely convince yourself that you are actually an alcoholic/addict and no matter when you will cross that line when it will become destructive-you have to do that no one else can! If you believe you are an alcoholic ask for help and follow that advice- kinda like following the presciption label for anti-biotics medicine.
Remember you don't have to quit drinkng/drugging forever all you have to do is quit drinking/drugging today! One day at a time is how it works! God Bless you on your journey towards sobriety!
Wombling Free
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Thailand
Posts: 60
Thanks for all the support guys.
I am meeting my old sponser for lunch today so I hope that he will be able to give me some more good advice.
Things did not go well for me with my angigram yesterday, my heart would not behave and it took them ages to perform the procedure, I get the results tomorrow
I am meeting my old sponser for lunch today so I hope that he will be able to give me some more good advice.
Things did not go well for me with my angigram yesterday, my heart would not behave and it took them ages to perform the procedure, I get the results tomorrow
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
I recently went back after a long time away. It helped to meet my sponsor at a meeting.
She was there for me, and sat with me. She said the tough part was walking back in the door.
Go get your chair.
You have every right to be there.
It's AA. We are there because we all drank too much.
You don't want to suffer from being unique.
Go be one of many.
Go back, be honest. Announce your truth for you.
Then you get to listen for the solution.
It's really neat to hear it.
Best of luck to you.
I had every fear to go, but I did it.
She was there for me, and sat with me. She said the tough part was walking back in the door.
Go get your chair.
You have every right to be there.
It's AA. We are there because we all drank too much.
You don't want to suffer from being unique.
Go be one of many.
Go back, be honest. Announce your truth for you.
Then you get to listen for the solution.
It's really neat to hear it.
Best of luck to you.
I had every fear to go, but I did it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: The Trenches, Texas
Posts: 778
Welcome back. Thanks for sharing. The majority of folks I've sponsored of recent share a similar story...a good amount of sober time followed by a relapse containing that pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization our text speaks of.
Most don't make it back. Even out of the ones that do it seems very few stick. It's like the ego has reconstructed at an exponential rate...astonishing. I love hearing from the ones that do stick, shows that that Power can and will work no matter what the present circumstances.
Last Saturday I was asked to introduce the evening speaker and I was in tears at the podium over this individual. She once had 9 years sober but fell victim to the insanity. When she came to me she was a hopeless, babbling fool much like me when I arrived. Pretty much all I could make out was, "Help me, I want what you have.". So we began with the desperation of drowning men. Absolutely amazing to sit and listen to her, now 13 months sober speak coherently about what God and the 12 steps did in her life.
Another gentlemen I sponsor, once had 4 years. He was riding his bicycle to a meeting when insanity struck. Seems meetings aren't quite enough for some of us. It seems he was fortunate enough to stick with whiskey...Grace I'll call it, I suspect had he made it back to the pipe he wouldn't be in our rooms today. He's got a little over 10 months now, as does his wife that went out with 4 years also. She's sponsored by the lady I mentioned above. What a deal huh? So yes, you can make it back, stick, and be used to help others.
What length are you willing to go to?
Most don't make it back. Even out of the ones that do it seems very few stick. It's like the ego has reconstructed at an exponential rate...astonishing. I love hearing from the ones that do stick, shows that that Power can and will work no matter what the present circumstances.
Last Saturday I was asked to introduce the evening speaker and I was in tears at the podium over this individual. She once had 9 years sober but fell victim to the insanity. When she came to me she was a hopeless, babbling fool much like me when I arrived. Pretty much all I could make out was, "Help me, I want what you have.". So we began with the desperation of drowning men. Absolutely amazing to sit and listen to her, now 13 months sober speak coherently about what God and the 12 steps did in her life.
Another gentlemen I sponsor, once had 4 years. He was riding his bicycle to a meeting when insanity struck. Seems meetings aren't quite enough for some of us. It seems he was fortunate enough to stick with whiskey...Grace I'll call it, I suspect had he made it back to the pipe he wouldn't be in our rooms today. He's got a little over 10 months now, as does his wife that went out with 4 years also. She's sponsored by the lady I mentioned above. What a deal huh? So yes, you can make it back, stick, and be used to help others.
What length are you willing to go to?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
