The Double Life - Husband,Father,Addict
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Huntsville, AL
Posts: 5
The Double Life - Husband,Father,Addict
I discovered my husband's addiction 1 week before I found out I was pregnant. We were newly-weds and had been planning for children right away because we were "established" and "stable". Nearly two years later, those seem like imaginary words.
During the pregnancy, my husband went through cycles of abusive and violent behavior, which correlated with periods of extreme use and detox. I supported him despite the mood swings, trying to remain empathetic to his struggle.
When our daughter was born and the behavior did not cease, I gave him the option of seeking treatment or moving out. Our journey started with a 3-day hospitalized detox (he used within 24 hrs after release), continued to a 30 day in-patient rehab (he used within 30 days of release), moved forward with 60 day separation, and within 30 days of returning home his usage escalated from snorting OC to using ivs. To maintain his addiction, he spends approx $120-200/day.
The decision to let go of my husband prior to rehab was easy b/c of his dangerous and unacceptable mood swings. Since his time in rehab, however, my husband has had significant growth emotionally. He has regular therapy sessions that have helped him regulate his emotions, and he now is a significant contributor to our household, a wonderful father, and a good husband.
Unfortunately, his addiction has gotten worse. To hide the relapse, he pawned his truck title, sold his work tools, and lied about incoming paychecks. He is an independant contractor, so it was easy for him to say "they didn't pay me" or "the check bounced" or "they are paying next week."
His addiction has left me responsible for all of our bills, and now puts my health at risk (I'm 99% sure he was sharing needles). He cries and has regular break downs, saying that he doesn't understand why he keeps screwing up. All he wants is his wife, child, and the "perfect family" that we both dreamed of.
At this point, however, the trust is completely gone from our relationship. He hides his addiction well, and manages to keep it separate from his "normal" life until the financial burden catches up to him.
After spending nearly two weeks of helping my husband detox, I discovered him using again this morning. He has everything - a supportive wife, beautiful child, beautiful home...even two dogs that love him like crazy. For some reason he can't let go of this second life filled with drugs and lies, though.
I don't know at what point I have to accept him for who he is, and move on with my life without him. I love my husband and it goes against everything in my soul to turn my back on someone that wants help.
I feel like allowing him to continue with this double life is no longer helping him, and makes me feel like I am being taken advantage of. I understand that recovery is a long process, though, and I really don't know if sending him to the streets to see if he'll sink or swim is the right answer either. I'm truly finding out that there are no answers anymore.
During the pregnancy, my husband went through cycles of abusive and violent behavior, which correlated with periods of extreme use and detox. I supported him despite the mood swings, trying to remain empathetic to his struggle.
When our daughter was born and the behavior did not cease, I gave him the option of seeking treatment or moving out. Our journey started with a 3-day hospitalized detox (he used within 24 hrs after release), continued to a 30 day in-patient rehab (he used within 30 days of release), moved forward with 60 day separation, and within 30 days of returning home his usage escalated from snorting OC to using ivs. To maintain his addiction, he spends approx $120-200/day.
The decision to let go of my husband prior to rehab was easy b/c of his dangerous and unacceptable mood swings. Since his time in rehab, however, my husband has had significant growth emotionally. He has regular therapy sessions that have helped him regulate his emotions, and he now is a significant contributor to our household, a wonderful father, and a good husband.
Unfortunately, his addiction has gotten worse. To hide the relapse, he pawned his truck title, sold his work tools, and lied about incoming paychecks. He is an independant contractor, so it was easy for him to say "they didn't pay me" or "the check bounced" or "they are paying next week."
His addiction has left me responsible for all of our bills, and now puts my health at risk (I'm 99% sure he was sharing needles). He cries and has regular break downs, saying that he doesn't understand why he keeps screwing up. All he wants is his wife, child, and the "perfect family" that we both dreamed of.
At this point, however, the trust is completely gone from our relationship. He hides his addiction well, and manages to keep it separate from his "normal" life until the financial burden catches up to him.
After spending nearly two weeks of helping my husband detox, I discovered him using again this morning. He has everything - a supportive wife, beautiful child, beautiful home...even two dogs that love him like crazy. For some reason he can't let go of this second life filled with drugs and lies, though.
I don't know at what point I have to accept him for who he is, and move on with my life without him. I love my husband and it goes against everything in my soul to turn my back on someone that wants help.
I feel like allowing him to continue with this double life is no longer helping him, and makes me feel like I am being taken advantage of. I understand that recovery is a long process, though, and I really don't know if sending him to the streets to see if he'll sink or swim is the right answer either. I'm truly finding out that there are no answers anymore.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 14
I'm not disparaging you or your husband.....but he sounds a LOT like what me, Im afraid. Im the type of guy that WILL NOT really, really try UNTIL the ABSOLUTE WORST THING happens to me.......and then I do what I should have done long time ago.....sparing my loved ones AND ME a whole mess of pain. I hope I can not go down that road this time.
I hope Im wrong, but some of us are just dunderheads......(this MORE than includes me.
I hope Im wrong, but some of us are just dunderheads......(this MORE than includes me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,410
Sorry about your husband but it may be that time for you and your child to move out of that environment for now. Let your husband out the hard way and that may show him that leaving that life is not healthy. I never use drugs beside alcohol and he is the only person that will want to change and no one can tell him other wise.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
You may find more experience in this matter in the friends and families forum.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/
I hope you will put you and your child's well being first on your list of priorities. No matter how much you want him to get better, he's not showing any sign of wanting to. If it were me I'd have to separate for the good of myself and the kids. If he wants recovery he'll have to find it himself. You can be supportive without being taken advantage of.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/
I hope you will put you and your child's well being first on your list of priorities. No matter how much you want him to get better, he's not showing any sign of wanting to. If it were me I'd have to separate for the good of myself and the kids. If he wants recovery he'll have to find it himself. You can be supportive without being taken advantage of.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome!
I agree with much of what's been said. I can only imagine how hard this is for you because you know the person he CAN be, but the substance will always take priority for someone in active addiction.
You don't have to let go of your hope, but that doesn't mean you can't set firm boundaries, or that you have to live with this. Sending prayers.....I feel for both of you.......:ghug3
I agree with much of what's been said. I can only imagine how hard this is for you because you know the person he CAN be, but the substance will always take priority for someone in active addiction.
You don't have to let go of your hope, but that doesn't mean you can't set firm boundaries, or that you have to live with this. Sending prayers.....I feel for both of you.......:ghug3
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