Talltrees

I feel like all I do on SR is complain, but now I've got another one...

My brother was expected to do hard time in federal prison for dealing, but got a deal where he ratted out the bigger fish and may not be serving time at all anymore, unless he violates his probation. The details are unclear right now. His girlfriend, however, OD-ed two days ago and permanently signed away her parental rights to her dad (since she violated her probation and will definitely be serving time in FP now). Now some distant member/members of my family who were only recently informed of the problems (problems meaning a few weeks ago they thought my brother was a good guy who was just too busy to keep up with anyone in the family) are telling me that this is the time for me to step in, if I am to take custody of my brother's one year-old. I want very much to take the baby and I've discussed it with my husband---and he is NOT on board with taking custody. I was clear about this in my response and I don't regret anything I said... but I'm supposed to go back to my home state and see them at the end of this month; the whole side of my biological dad's family that I haven't seen in years and years, including my older brother. Normally I would not agree to see my older brother or my biological dad, given our history, but my brother is wearing an ankle monitor and is bound to my grandparents' house where we will all be meeting for our reunion. And my bio dad has always lived there. My cousins and their new children will be there and I'm so excited to see them and for them to see my kids. The get-together is very important to me... but now I'm scared it's going to be very awkward. It is already going to be uncomfortable seeing my brother again, but now I worry that there will be a discussion about why the baby should live with me. Some of them seem very stand-up-and-help-a-sibling-in-need, even if he's a scary addict.

I thought my boundaries were clear, but now I'm about to willingly put myself in an uncomfortable situation and see my brother and my biological dad, who have both treated me like no person deserves.

I guess what I'm really asking for is a lecture on boundaries. How do you maintain them without feeling guilty?

In certain situations when you do cross them, do you regret it?

How can I move past the fact that my boundaries hurt others' feelings and be okay with it? This has often kept me from being clear about my boundaries to other family members.

Chino

My boundaries are for me, to protect me. I got past feeling guilty about protecting myself, when I truly believed my life is a precious gift, a one shot deal. It's not more or less a gift than others lives. They are free to feel however they do about their gifts, but my life is not negotiable.

gurlie214

My therapist always reminds me that healthy boundaries "hurt but not harm" the other person. In other words, if they are hurt by your choice, it's on them, not you because you didnt harm anyone. You are simply doing what is best for you!

hope213

do not be pressured into taking the child. it is a hard job to raise children reguardless of whose they are. my son was in prison when his wife was killed. my daughter was going to take them untill there dad came home. her parents stepped in & took them.the 5 yr old is now 22 & the 3 yr old is now 20. she is glad today they did because my son never stayed out of prison long enough to get the custody of them back.
as far as your dad & brother, stick to your boundries. it is your life with your children & husband. you & your family are the ones important.

Ann

She signed her parental rights to her dad. Why is that a problem for people? Her dad had to agree for that to happen.

I'd either stay away from the reunion that makes you uncomfortable, or go and tell anyone who pushes you to mind their own business.

The way I see it is that if someone is insensitive enough to start telling me what I "should" do, or to push my boundaries, I push back and tell them to "back off", this is my life and my choice and not yours to manage.

Good luck with all this. The good news is the child will be taken care of. The rest is just family dysfunction and I am sure you can rise above it.

Hugs

Heartbroken0608

In certain situations when you do cross them, do you regret it?

Every single time I have crossed one of my boundaries I have regretted doing so. Holding firm to my boundaries doesn't always feel good at the time (because I'm not used to asserting myself so it's a strange feeling) but afterwards I am always proud of myself and happy I maintained my boundaries.

Why are all these people telling you you need to take the baby? If they're so concerned why don't they take the baby???

Two things I've learned on here that seem appropriate to your situation: 1). NO is a complete sentence, and 2) what other people think of you is none of your business.

Maintain your boundaries and don't let others guilt you into doing something that isn't in the best interest of your family. If it were me I would probably not go to the reunion...I'm not strong enough yet to maintain boundaries in situations where others are pressuring me so I've learned I need to stay away, not take the phone call, etc. when I'm stronger that will change but right now it's what I need to do in order to keep my sanity.

Vale

Wow,Chino.....best thing I have read in a very great while.

Talltrees

I forgot to mention that her dad plans to keep the baby away from my entire family including my brother, if he can legally do so. I respect him for what he is doing and don't blame him at all. There is no other home within my family that can be healthy for the baby. My taking custody was brought up because my family is mad that they won't get to see him. My aunt sent me a pretty angry message and brought up how horrible my mom was for keeping me and my brother away from my biological dad (her brother) and his parents and how much trouble they went through to go to court and fight for visitation (back then grandparents could obtain rights---they can't anymore). All kinds of stuff I had no control over to begin with; as if I would agree with her, just like that! She has no idea what my real dad was up to at the time, and I believe my mom had good reasons for trying to protect my brother and me. Anyway, my aunt was suggesting that if I take custody, my brother and the rest of the family would be able to see the baby. I didn't say anything about all the awful things she brought up about the past. I responded by telling my aunt that should I ever take custody, I would NOT agree to allow my brother to see his son, and no one in the family who would bring the baby around my brother would be able to spend time alone with him either. His addiction has been active for 10 years, and although he can't have his drug of choice while on probation, he just switches to alcohol and makes everyone think he's doing so well now. They just don't understand how it works, and how scary he gets when he has the freedom to use. He will never be clean until he goes to rehab and quits everything---heroin and all its temporary replacements.

The reunion is too important to me to not go, since there will be so many good people there that I love and haven't spent time wth in several years. I think I just need to take some time to make it clear to myself what I will and won't discuss while I'm there, and what I will say if the situation becomes uncomfortable. Maybe writing it down will help, and while I'm at it, writing down my boundaries so I remember not to cross them. I've been afraid to clearly define them to myself because I wanted to have the option of not hurting anyone. I guess now is the time though.