LoveMeNow

I made my AH move out about 5-6 weeks ago. He has been living in a nice hotel and has worked from there as well. He golfs, drinks, goes out to dinner, has money in his pocket, and I even noticed new clothes. I am the one with all the responsibilities while he is acting like a young bachelor.

Lately, he has been pouring on the manipulation, saw a therapist, has attended 3 meeting in 2 days. I do believe him on all that. He is doing everything in his power for me to agree to let him come home. Been there, done that. He is tired of this lifestyle now and wants to come home.

Tonight, he asked me to come talk to him and I knew what I was in for but decided I need to have the courage and the strength to be honest with him face to face. And I told him NO, he could not come home. Recovery was a process and not 3 meetings. I was not willing to go through the lies and manipulation again. He had far more to prove!

I clearly felt he was manipulating me and told him so. I was honest, strong and sincere about how I felt. I let all my fear go and he was shocked, angry and hurt.

Now I am getting the "I can't live without my family" (suicide threat) texts. I have not responded and will not.

I have seen these before and I am not getting sucked in. It's just more manipulation....right?????

LoveMeNow

LOL, my friend, the ex of an AH, just old me that they teach that in addict 101 and now I feel better.

I have not responded back and I won't. How low can an addict stoop, is now the question! Bet this is his excuse to relapse again. Not playing into it. I really think I am done and it feels ok!

It really felt great to look him in the eyes and say "This isn't what I want anymore. I want a healthy relationship and I deserve one." The look on his face said it all. For once, he knew I was serious. No more empty threats or ultimatums. I had inner strength and he knew it! Thank you all here at SR and thank you Al-anon. Looking forward to a new life!!

itsanewday2011

Good for you and your strength - I admire your courage. You said he sent a "suicide threat" text - are you concerned about his safety?

LoveMeNow

Thank you and NO I am not....not at all! Just more manipulation to get his own way, I truly believe!

itsanewday2011

Manipulation is a strength my ex had too - hang in there!

I really admire that you had a direct conversation - good for you. I know that is tough to do as it can be easier to not deal with it "head on".

Ann

It's not so much that they know we mean what we say...it's that WE know that we mean what we say. That's the difference between "before" and "after" with recovery. It no longer matters what they think, it's about how "we" feel and being true to ourselves.

However this unfolds, you will be fine. You have found your own truth and can stand in it...whether he agrees or not. Well done!

Hugs

incitingsilence

All suicide threats should be taken seriously, that doesn’t mean you have to respond specifically to him but…
Make a call, if you know where he is ask for a well check. If it was a game he won’t play it anymore, if it wasn’t then he will have to make the choice to accept help or not to.

LoveMeNow

Thank you Ann, I am really not "all the way" recovered but I am om my way.... I feel stronger, healthier and far more confident. I am willing to let go...finally!

Today is day 3 of quit smoking w/ the patch and I have been having crazy dreams which is very common. I kept waking up all night with such anger for him. Maybe it was the text he sent that triggered it.

All those negative feelings came back and I replayed them over and over again in my mind....The old "You did this, You did that" thinking. Not so much about me, mostly about our kids. I don't feel like the victim anymore but I am pissed at his selfishness.

Yes, he has given me money but he kept the majority of it. I paid bills while he chewed his nasty pills, gambled and lived "care" free. How dare he treat my kids the way he has. How dare he not own up to it. How dare he ask me to talk to them for him. How dare he act angry at them because they refuse to talk to him. How dare he act like he is the victim.

My daughter is 18 and graduating this May. She has overcome so much.....first there was an addict bio mom who was abusive and neglectful, lost custody and allowed me to adopt my kids. My daughter had such low self esteem, no friends and was very behind in school. She is beautiful, sweet young lady with a scholarship to college. She graduates with honors and really has a beautiful heart. She truly has an amazing spirit and I am so blessed to be her MOM.

She has decided she no longer wants anything to do her with father and he is not welcome at her graduation. She is not emotional about her decision and has no problem with the "no contact" rule she, own her own, created for herself. I try never to use her as my friend and to keep healthy boundaries but have slipped a couple of times when I was really upset and couldn't hide it. Pretty sad when your own daughter and her best friend says "You can do so much better than him" and really mean it.

I have told her my feeling about her decision not to invite her father to her graduation. I shared my own experience of refusing to invite my father. I can not and will not force her to invite him. It's her decision. I know she is rightfully hurt and angry. I just don't want her to anything she will later regret...like I did,

Is this anger I am feeling now....another step in the right direction?? Oh I hope so! I pray I am not going backward!! I feel OK and I can't see how I could be...but then again I was stupid enough to think I could "save" him. Bwahahahahahah