kinghank

Hey guys,

Hope everyone is having a good week. Looking for a little advice.

I have been struggling lately staying sober. I can get a few days, and start feeling great. I go back to doing the things I like to do, aka cooking with my fiancé, fixing things around the house, sitting outside and reading. Work is also better because I’m clear minded. But as soon as I feel better, BOOM, back to the bottle.

But here is my question. Has anyone else experienced the ability to turn their brain off when they’re about to relapse? That seems to be my biggest problem. I have about 1001 people who have said CALL ME before going to drink, but something in my brain seems to turn off. It’s almost like I don’t remember anything between going to buy liquor until I’m on the couch drunk wondering what happened. It truly fascinates me how I can turn it off like that.

So just curious as well, does anyone have any ideas on fighting this invisible deamon? I worry because it is like fighting someone that I have never even seen! Im hitting meetings and have a huge support system but still cannot seem to get out of my own way. I think it is time that I step it up a notch because im on the brink of starting to really get discouraged…

doggonecarl

The relapse starts well before the drink. That's where you need to intervene , not when the glass is to your lips.

You said yourself, your "switch" goes off between going to get the liquor and drinking it. So at some point you are making the decision to go and that is where you put the skids on, call one of the 1001 people who are offering to help.

So call. Log on to SR and post your struggle. Do something...

But don't drink!

gordano

I can completely relate, however I do agree with what doggonecarl said. At some point before I go to the liquor store my Addictive Voice and my Rational Voice have a discussion. My AV convinces my RV that the alcohol is needed for me to function. My RV then silently bows out and my AV takes my body on autopilot. In order for my AV to get what it wants it has to completely shut down my RV. When this happens my memory and judgement is completely gone.

eJoshua

That's why I think it's important to get in the habit of calling those people when you're doing well. Practice proactive sobriety.

Firehazard

Hi Kinghank,

Thanks for your post as it really provoked some though. A miracle indeed. Ha Ha.

I feel that turning the brain off and being still when I am feeling good is the key. When I feel good does that mean to get wound up and do a multitude of things until I have to use alcohol to slow down. Answer is negative, that is the way I used to be.

These days I have to slow down a bit and do things with serenity in mind. If the promises are read in the AA meetings you attend you may hear that we will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. For me I do and only because I worked the steps and at the begining I did go to many meetings when I felt bad or when I felt good.
In retrospect, it seems to allowed me to do something I have never attempted before to sit down and be still for one hour.

Suggestion, go to a meeting a day all week and begin to pace yourself in your new sober life.

After all it is a simple program for complicated people.

"Easy does it"

serious

i have relapsed. but this time because of sadness...
that being said, i've relapsed a thousand times before because after a few days of "sobriety" i felt so, so good. "king of the world" ... got it under control (sarcasm). would you like the most overpriced bottle of something? why not.

friend, i am sorry to say this. it doesn't work.

been there done that... more often than i hope you ever will. the fact that you are posting here, means you are on the right direction. quit (if you can) while you are ahead.

Threshold

I have relapsed at times due to feeling scared of sobriety. Like the feeling of being able to do things, and feeling better is so different...that it's scary..it's like "oh no, now so much is going to be expected of me...and I may not be capable of it...and " poof, I get terrified, I want to hide in my shell again, I dont' want to face a world that will require so much of me.

Staying in the moment, in the day, is a wiser mindset for me. because otherwise I drive myself right off the deep end.

Zencat

It helps to determine what the problem is and then be determined to fix it.

Mo S

Alcoholism is a thinking disease. One you remove the alcohol "problem" you are still left with the disease.
I hope you get past not being able to pick up the phone.
I wish you the best.

Terminally Unique

I've come up with some doozies in my time to explain away my drinking, but turning off your brain? Amnesia? Invisible demons? Autopilot?

Who's going to call Ghost Busters?

Dee74

Seems most people here know what you mean kinghank....

I can remember having a bottle in my hands and being genuinely being shocked it was there....

The thing is tho - the guys here are right - it's not as sudden as it seemed to me back then...there *was* a feeling of discontent, that gnawing missing something, there was an inner tussle beforehand....sometimes for days...there was the decision and the going out to buy liquor....

You can interrupt that process.

I remember well I used to just give up once the decision was made - 'oh well it's done now'....thats BS. We can unmake a decision any time we like - if we want to.

For a long time tho, I didn't want to.

I didn't want to suffer the bad consequences I was from my drinking, but I still wanted to drink...every little period of abstinence gave me the hope that maybe I'd 'gained control' now - I still clung to the hope that I'd be able to drink and control it - this time 'things would be different'...

it never was Hank. Ever.

Once I accepted that was how it was for me, I started to move forward - I hope you can too

D

raindancer11

The best thing you've done is to post here because now you know that this happens to you. I realized that my brain took cues from all kinds of things like time of day, how I felt, if I was hungry, bottle-opening sounds, certain foods...hundreds of little things.

You are in a good place because you sound like you're ready to quit for good and are willing to do whatever it takes. This starts with setting yourself up for success by changing your routines, making sure you've eaten, having some alternative things planned and especially regular contact with people who actively support your sobriety.

For me, this autopilot urge began to die off a little each time I chose not to drink until it was gone. Cut it off before it takes over your brain. You don't have to go through this again.

kinghank

Thanks guys. It is a relief to know that others have felt the same way before. I never thought of it that way Dee but you’re totally right, there have been times that I have made up my mind that I was going to drink LONNNNGG before I actually did. Maybe that’s why it was so easy to turn it off? Makes sense to me. Regardless, I need to stop it.

I would love to call Bill Murray or Dan Aykroyd, they seem like fun guys to kill some time with. Harold Ramis even!

Thanks again guys, I am going be spending a lot of time here and appreciate the advice.
This might be for another thread but while I’m going….
One big thing happened last night, I laid it all on the line for my fiancé (I need meetings, read the big book, get a sponsor I AM A LIAR (when it comes to this)etc) Whatever it takes. I was terrified for the last 8 months of doing that. Made every excuse in the book not to come totally clean. But I hit a bottom and it didn’t matter anymore. And I got lucky, after all the lying and hiding, I just explained.” This is an issue. It is hard for me. It is scary and it will be hard for you to understand. But I am asking for your support” And shockingly I was met with love. Go figure.

Totally off topic and just venting this morning. I hope everyone is doing well and thanks again for all for listening.

freshstart57

Gordano has the key here, from my experience. Just take this idea one step further like this. A retrospective view of the discussion between the Addictive Voice and the Rational Voice is not going to get or keep anyone sober, that train has left the station already. Tune your awareness to the first rumblings from your AV and PAY ATTENTION NOW. Don't ignore it, don't minimize it, don't argue with it.

Instead, open your awareness to this and give this AV a good hard cold look, and do it from all sides - how you feel about it now, what it is saying to you now, what it is asking you to do now. The word 'now' is very important here because that is the time when all this is happening to you..

Note that I said 'asking', because what you do ultimately about this AV is completely and totally up to you and under your control, every dang time it pipes up.

Do you have a plan about continuing to use alcohol? What does this plan look like for you?

desertsong

These are really great responses! Not much I can add other than to just agree with the others that a relapse is hardly a sudden thing that just happens. I didn't realize it at the time, but I've learned that my relapses were all days in the making before they ever happened. There would be some trigger somewhere ... stress, boredom, frustration ... that would set the process in motion and, like you, I'd find myself with a drink in my hand wondering, "What happened?!" Now that I have a clear, sober head I can see that on some level my relapses were "planned." Subconsciously, I knew at some point that I was going to drink, I just told myself it wouldn't be "today." But it always happened eventually.

The AV can be very, very subtle but it's also persistent. As you go along in your sobriety, you'll be able to recognize it more clearly when it first starts talking to you and you'll be able to be more proactive instead of passive. I recognize it now as a subtle "nagging" at my brain ... just a feeling of unease/discomfort. Even worse, sometimes it is like a "coddling," i.e., "You've had a rough couple of days ... it wouldn't be so bad to get a little relief. You deserve it." It's insidious, really.

The only way for me to defeat that voice was to take alcohol completely out of the equation. When that nagging starts, however subtle it might be, I tell it, "No. I don't drink, and I will never drink, so that's not an option." Then I redirect myself to something else to keep my head and my body busy. It sounds rather simplistic, but it works, although it takes some practice and definitely some awareness. Learning how to recognize the warning signs takes time, but it can be done.

foodie1

Welcome kinghank and well done on posting this here instead of keeping it all bottled up. Bad pun totally intended. I agree with these guys that the relapse builds like a wave well before the drink is in hand. Do you have any kind of program of recovery or people you talk with to work through your newly sober days? One of my biggest challenges is not letting all the little things pile up day after day, things like little stressors, disappointments, resentments, jealousies, fears. I'm bad at reaching out and asking for help. But I suspect that's one of the best things we can do to stay sober.

Glad you're here and wishing you all the best!!

kinghank

Boy is that ever true. I do think I’m starting to figure it out, not as quickly as I would like but still trying to move in the right direction. Basically I am throwing as many things in my way to keep me busy (work commitments, dinner with people who know what I’m working through, calling people (or trying too)).

Thanks for the awesome replies. It really does help. I am glad I found this place and all of you. I will be hanging around for a while.

That was my biggest problem, but like I said, I have laid it all out to pretty much everyone around me. I have IOP starting May 22 and just going to keep hitting meetings this week. The goal by Friday is to get a sponsor and keep posting here daily. You guys have been awesome so far, and there are certainly power in numbers.