CC8

Hi All. I'm posting this on the 12-step forum here too.

I've been struggling with getting a life/having fun/changing my life, and would love to hear how other people did it/do it/are doing it.

I just celebrated 5 years and "should not" be feeling this way but I am. After getting sober in DC I essentially buried myself in work. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade sobriety and my life has dramatically improved because of AA and the people in it. A miracle that I'm sober.

But, I'm struggling right now with getting a real life.

I just moved to CA like 3 months ago and am still in the same woraholism mode that I was back in DC. I'm from here, back home after being away for 8 years. What I'm finding is that a) I have no social life yet but b) the only way I know how to have fun is to party. Still. I hang out with my old friends who drink and it's good to see them but they're boring to me now. I used to like being with people I felt comfortable with. I still do but ... I'm also seeing that working so hard then only knowing how to blow off steam with alcohol (now food) isn't the answer. It's also that old M.O. Old habits of how to have fun.

I've been thinking these past few days that I need to do sober things to create a sober life. I'm slow. but seriously, like I have to get off my ass and go see a play. I have to make an effort to go out and do sober things beyond going to the gym, eating or shopping, say. And it's not about filling the hole with external things. Feel like this is 1-3 steps again. Also been shown by my new sponsor just how much I've been living on self will these past few years and not even realizing it.

So, how did you start to do this? How did your life change? Old friends? What did you find/think? How did you feel as things changed/how has your life changed and how do you find joy now? seriously.

Thanks for listening and sharing

wellwisher

I had a similar experience. I went from having no job and serious gaps in my resume to becoming the employee who could not say no; which overflowed into resentments; to starting my own business and working countless hours; being "responsible".

I realized that working all this time was, in effect, playing right in to my old "self-will" trap that I am very good at.

I wasn't feeling so great is an understatement. I know exactly what you are talking about.

I actually "write in" on my Day Planner time to do things that I enjoy doing.

Someone not too long ago posted about meetup.com, and I am going to one of the events posted for 4/29 in my area. Something different for me.

I also like to take "fun" classes and to volunteer for fundraising events for some of my clients - have met one or two people that I do things with outside of my usual venue through those events. Adult Ed classes usually have something artsy to do, or something computer wise that I can learn that is new.

One thing I've learned - stepping away from business 24/7 is the best thing I did for myself.

Having a sense of humor alway helps - I've kissed quite a few toads in my quest to get a social life - I'm thinking of a moonlight cruise I went on expecting a night of dancing but ended up on a guided tour with several geriatric patients; but I didn't let that stop me trying a different moonlight cruise. (lol) Next one I'm going on in June is a murder mystery cruise - see how that goes.

FlyerFan

I don't think I have enough time in yet to really comment, but I do have about 4 months and I never thought I could have a fun life either. I have found that staying busy does help but you have to make sure you set aside some time for just you. Do things that you enjoy. Go see a movie, go visit someplace you've always wanted to. Things like that make me happy.

shaun00

Thats great you got a new sponsor.

My mind was renewed when i recovered from alcoholism.....a monumental shift in my thinking and attitude.

That recovered state, for me is contingent on me continuing to grow on a spiritual level.......i do that by close adherence to steps 10, 11 ,12 .

And heres the interesting bit that you might be able to relate to.....and my direct experience.

A while back, over a period of time, and around 9/10 years sober, i started to drift away from 10, 11, 12........and drift away from the fellowship.
The up shot was a feeling of uselessness, a kind of "is this it"...my mood was generally negative and morose.

Spreeing in other areas was common...for me it was mostly work...work for me is a great temporary escape.....all the while a feeling of discontent and moody......food is another common one i hear.
Your post sounds very similar to my experience.......

The solution for me was to re-awaken.......by that i mean having a new experience with the work contained in the book.
The difference to how i feel now is astonishing.......i re-worked the steps with a new sponsor a few weeks back.

Now there is some re-newing of my mind.......its easy to see the mistakes....easy to see the reasons why i felt like i did....and easy to see the solutions......at the time i just couldnt see it.....ego swamped any hope of that.

i pray often that my experience of that can be useful to others....i hope this post is useful to you...... re -work the steps....have a new experience....and im sure things will get better....

id be really interested on how you get on.....pm me any time and/or re post your experience ...

2granddaughters

Be careful ... you might "should" on yourself.

5th year is a hard one as well. We have our growing spurts and pains. Stay close to your sponsor and stay "on the beam". All will be well.

This video may help explain what we go through in recovery
4 Seasons of Recovery - YouTube

All the best.

Bob R

CarolD

Seems to me you made a big change when you moved..
hope it works out for you.

Welcome back and congratulations on your 5 years.

When I relocated at 3 and 9 years of AA recovery...the first things
I did was immediately become active in the new fellowships
As a single woman....I made sure to connect with other women.
We did all sorts of interesting things outside of meetings.

Sooo....I suggest you begin with service work and get acquinted with your new sober friends. All my best.....

jdaviscpd

It's early in the game for me still, about a year and a half, but I got involved in a lot of service work right away. It gives me a huge feeling of satisfaction helping other alcoholics. Go to beginners meetings and pick up some sponsees, go to detox and treatment centers, chair meetings, go to a district meeting and get involved in carrying the message to the still suffering alcoholic. You'll meet a ton of sober people and be of service. It's awesome to know that at the end of the day, I'm a small part of something much greater than myself.

"Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends-this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives." -BBook, Working With Others, Pg. 89

My only suggestion really would be get involved and stay an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Best Wishes..

freya

So, yesterday (as usual) I had a pretty full day planned. Seeing a couple of sponsees, hitting a couple of meetings, doing some work I needed to do before Saturday to get ready for an important meeting, taking my mom to get her car inspected, etc...

So, I get up and do my morning stuff (including my 10th and 11th step stuff as per pp. 84-88), and then, right before I'm ready to go to my first scheduled thing of the day, I get a phone call that sets off a chain of events and changes and re-schedules that ended up with me having a totally different day from the day that I had planned.

The thing was, instead of freaking out, and stressing, and trying to do everything I had planned on top of all the new stuff that came up, or just giving up and being miserable because things weren't going according to my plan, I just went through the day doing the next right things as they presented themselves to me, all the way from the first phone call to ending up a late evening meeting that I've never attended before but at which I saw 2 people I really needed to connect with, people who also do not usually attend that meeting.

And all day long I was basically calm, and basically felt "carried," and all day long I was noticing how -- even though my will, as indicated in my planner, was not being done -- everything that was being done was flowing smoothly and seamlessly AND very often, as I moved from one unplanned (by me) thing to another, I found that I had actually been "given," earlier in the day, exactly the things I needed to do what I found myself having to do later in the day.

And last night when I was praying before bed, I realized what a totally awesome day it had been and just felt so blessed and so grateful and so joyful and so full of that amazing feeling of having been allowed the privilege and the honor of being a tool in the Master's hands.

Actually, I have days like that quite often now...and even when I don't manage a whole day, I'll usually have a good portion of it be "right" like that.

But my point here, in relation to the OP, is that my experience since being in program tells me that, really, I am not the one who changes my life. I do what I need to do to get my ego out of the way (i.e. the Steps / practicing the principles in all my affairs) and then God makes the changes as He sees fit.

....and, just FYI, the changes He makes may not be anything that I had or could have imagined, but they always turn out to be perfect and awesome, and when I can just let that happen and trust Him, I have joy and excitement and purpose and all that stuff that I always wanted but never could quite figure out how to get.

freya

Conchetta

I am so with you. I am sober but now I am a hermit. I have always associated drugs and alcohol with good times. I hope I will someday learn how to have a good time sober.

Dee74

I sure you will Conchetta - I really believe recovery should be enjoyed, not endured
Welcome to SR

D

TheJungianThing

Something about the word "amend" and change comes to mind. Maybe because when the US changes the Constitution, it's an "amendment".

TO amend something. As the ninth step amends are made, something happens. We change. My living amends to my family and my wife especially have brought about great changes in our life and AA has allowed me to step up and for the most part fullfill my role as husband, and my new role as father. Amends to my parents and brothers, has changed me and allowed me to step up and do my duty in those roles as son and brother.

THe list could go on. Something about Steps 4-9, the daily disciplines of 10 and 11 and a joyful living out of 12 - seems to do the trick.

I don't do it near perfect at all. But I do, do it. When I don't, I feel "bad" changes in my attitude, I've been fortunate to wake up to it and get back to the work and BOOM - it's back into this joyful living of service.

Compared to sitting around stewing in resentment, self-pity, self-delusion, and fear at a bar or in front of my video games drunk. I'd say that some change.

Still more work to do, nothing stays the same and my momentum as an alcoholic is either going towards a drink or away from one. I believe that. So I keep coming back here, to meetings, listening to tapes, and stay awake and inspired to continue.

The work.


God Bless.

sayonara

To quote you "I'm slow. but seriously, like I have to get off my ass and go see a play. ..."

Perhaps, rather than SEEING a play, why not try joining a theater group? There is an opportunity to meet new people, get involved in something you enjoy and any effort, great or small, helps.

$0.02 :-)

Mark75

Well, that first part is obvious of course. You now to learn how to have fun sans alcohol... and here is the important thing... you should have fun learning to do those things. Which means some trial and error. I like to do outdoor adventure stuff. A lot of those things involve a steep learning curve, and truth be told, I like a steep learning curve, LOL. Not everyone does. So, you gotta put one foot in front of the other and go learn something. Anything that is within your means, geography, access... most importantly something you'd like to see yourself doing.

I used to hear that "sober" thing... sober living, sober fun, all that sober stuff... like sober somehow "defined" it, or qualified it, like I had to settle for something less... meh, it's "sober fun"

How about just learning to live, have fun, whatever... just don't drink.

Maybe look at what that means to you.

CC8

You guys, thank you so much. This really helps. And so good to know that other people have done this too! I know, duh, but so good to hear it.

Wellwisher - that really helps too on the overworked scenario. And Shaun, too.

I tried some different exercise classes this weekend - spinning and circuit training. A big step to get out of my locked-in routine. Seeing that work doesn't have meaning for me the way it used to. I've been putting too much emphasis on it.

I like the bit about sober being the leftovers or boring. Right! Just living life and not drinking.

thanks

DayTrader

CC..I've had similar feelings but perhaps coming from a different angle of approach.

What I saw in your posts reminded me of how I act/feel when I'm trying to, as the book says, "wrest satisfaction from life." I think you and your sponsor pegged something important with the realization of how much has been self-will based managing.

It seems curious to me though, that after that "revelation" in your first post......in this most recent one it's right back to more plans and designs. I'm not saying that's bad by default.......but I didn't see any mention of anything like: I want to get better aligned with God's vision for me, Rather than focus on me/my desires I'll look to see who else I can help, and things like that.

If OUR primary purpose is to grow in usefulness to others......grow in our connection to God......live our lives as He would have us.....etc etc......I'm maybe a little surprised I didn't see any mention of anything like that in either of your posts.

Maybe I'm speaking out of turn or am off base........but maybe I'm not and that's something for you to consider. Things like: How AM I doing with helping others? Am I focused on myself / my problems or how I can help someone else? What negativity or self-defeating ideas am I or have I been giving safe harbor to in my mind?

From what I've experienced and seen, when we're right with God and taking actions in line with His will for us, things like boredom anda lack of purpose aren't issues.

jojoba

Welcome. AA is exactly like Islam: we don't drink, and we submit to His will! Hit your knees and more will be revealed!

Boleo

This supports how I now live a principle driven life. I no longer manage my life directly through diligence, tenacity or assertiveness. I can only manage my life indirectly through the principles I live by.

When I lead a principle driven life, life reciprocates by putting the next right thing in front of me. I only get to see one step in front of me and must trust that that is far enough to get me to the next "next right thing".

"Trust in the absurd is the highest level of faith"
- Soren Kierkegaard