Windblown

Hi everyone...

After a long year of promises, lies, deceit, possible infidelity, continued drug use, marriage counselling...I left my nice suburban home and Ah today. I went to lunch with my neighbor and she knows what has been going on and she reminded me of insanity....doing the same thing over and over and getting the same result while expecting something different. I can not get my husband sober and I don't care to try anymore. I deserve a better life. I deserve love. So I am staying in a motel for a week to sort things out. I have been dodging him...going to meetings...trying not to be around when he is there...that is no way to live. I am in an old motel in an inner city neighborhood...yet I feel strangely at peace. I feel grateful to be able to afford this...only $47.00 a night if I stay the week. I am going to lots of meetings, staying sober and going to Alanon too. I was open minded to my friend's suggestion and I made a move. My Ah is stubborn and either doesn't thing I'd ever do this after so many warnings...or doesn't care.

It was scary to make this step but I want to live and I want to have peace in my heart. I am not afraid because I know my higher power is with me. I will walk with integrity and stay honest and keep working with my sponsor...I will try to help out somewhere this week. Maybe volunteer as this neighborhood has a lot of homeless people. I am grateful for a chance at a new life...one day at a time. I have started making friends at the meetings and inviting people to hang out afterwards. I have been so lonely and isolated. My Ah sleeps all weekend, passed out on the floor....for a year or more.

Today I have faith that my life will unfold in ways that are more healthy and positive. I don't know what will happen but I am unafraid. There are many loving people out there. I will stay close to the program and keep walking the walk.

Thanks for listening.

Impurrfect

(((Windblown))) - YAY for you!!

It's not easy to leave, but I'm really glad you are taking care of the most important person in your life - YOU!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Windblown

Thanks Impurrfect...your support and everyone else's is greatly appreciated. Caretaking an addict is no way to live. There are other options and today I chose to love me. Thanks for your thoughts and your kitties are so cute!

Chino

You're honoring yourself and I can't think of a better way to do it

oneday66

I did the exact same thing.. Stayed in a motel for a week just so I could breathe and not feel like I was drowning... I then had the strength to answer roommate ads on craigslist because I decided I couldn't go back... Within a week I found a great affordable room, furnished.., with a woman my age.. A month after I moved in I discovered she was in Alanon too... She was a great source of strength and support for me... HP works when you do the next right thing for you...I have faith you will be ok..

Windblown

I asked my higher power to help me pack and she said to bring a scented candle. I have a lilac candle burning and boy am I glad as this room was kind of smelly! I brought my soft blue blanket that I have been holding onto at night like a child because my spouse never slept with me. I guess he wanted me to go...he hasn't even called...I left a note on the kitchen table. I have to let go of that. I truly don't know him anymore. I will say the Serenity Prayer now. Courage doesn't mean I'm not afraid...but it means I take the action to live a better life because I have faith. Love you guys.

Windblown

Thanks for your faith everyone! Any prayers for my physical safety would be appreciated. No fear!

Zoenob

Your courage and strength are inspirational. Love the blue blanket, I have two soft pillows that are heaven. You take comfort in that blanket and wrap yourself tight. You are safe. Way to go Windblown!

Windmills

Amazing, this thread put a smile on my face this morning. It's funny isn't it, one day you just decide enough is enough. Not going back was hardest than leaving for me, I found once he'd got into my head with his lies/excuses/manipulation, the ground I'd left on wasn't so solid anymore, it was actually a bit shaky. I wish I'd gone NC straight away.
Hope you get a good night's sleep

Windblown

So NC is best?

Windmills

In my situation it was best for me

Windmills

Taken from Cynical's blog.. This was huge for me. I didn't originally read it on SR, a friend talked about it when I told her I was struggling with missing him. It's been life changing. I don't hold onto the bad memory, I just let it go. I use it to cancel out the good memory I suppose.

Windblown

Wow...whoa...Cynical One! That was beefy stuff. Thank you. I didn't really know what NC meant but from what I have read it seems like the best way to take care of me. What if I run into him at a meeting? I wish I hadn't introduced him to the cool meeting place I go too. But I have heard never let someone run you out of a meeting. I think he only went because he thought the marriage counsellor told him too but he was high when he was there. Even if he does get clean...I don't think I want to go back to him. He waited too late. So I will do the NC thing. Because it seems better for me but at this point, I feel like I am done. But he is rather crafty, I've listened to so much bs, it is only in the last little while that I have made friends with sane people that I realize the wierdness I've been living with. O.k...but I am married...I will have to talk to him about the divorce...jeez...it will probably come to that. I just have to go slow...one day at a time. I have to sort out my life. I will let my HP guide me. Thanks for that NC thing. I will refer back to it. Does it make me a meanie? I just want a peaceful life...I know it can't always be that way but I already feel better just being out of that house. To thine own self be true. I wrote that on my Payless chuck Taylor knockoffs...it reminds me that though he found much fault with me...I am ok just the way I am. And people...new friends like the me inside...all my AH could see was the outsides which are a bit older now...but I still got it!!! Thanks

Ann

You are an amazing courageous woman. Just know that we are walking with you, holding your hand through the scary parts.

Keeping you in my prayers.

Hugs

itsanewday2011

Your courage and strength are inspiring.

Kindeyes

Walking with you as you take these courageous steps.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

washbe2

Difficult? Yes. Worth it? Yes. When I left my husband after 23 years, I stayed in a rented place for one week, too. Gave me time to think without having to talk with others so much. It was actually nice.

No one wants to live with an addict. But most don't have your courage to do something about it. Continue taking care of yourself!!