Eliasson

I changed sponsors last week, and really do feel it was the best decision for me. So why am I crying? After my slip my sponsor suggested I pray about whether or not I might need a new sponsor to work with as I just don't seem to be "getting it" from her. She promised her feelings would not be hurt, we would be great friends til we die (her words), and she wouldn't take it personally.
Well, I did pray about it, and it turned out I really did feel it would be best for me to work with someone else. Maybe hear something new or fresh that would help me to "get it". It was so difficult to tell her I had decided to go with someone else. I am very much a people pleaser and just can't stand the thought of possibly hurting anyone's feelings. She seemed ok with it, but since then, she has been incredibly distant and I'm not getting the feeling we will be great friends til we die. I feel horrible about this. I love her and want her in my life. Did I do something wrong? Do you think she will come around eventually? This whole thing is SO much harder than just drinking. If that makes sense. Her feelings are hurt even though she said they wouldn't be, right? I guess this is just the way things work? I know I made the right decision, but I miss her friendship and it just kills me that I might have hurt her feelings. Any words of wisdom or advice?

digderidoo

She may feel as though she should take a step back for a short period. Its just a redefining of your relationship. I'm now on my third sponsor and have great friendships with my previous two, but can certainly identify with not wanting to upset them. I thought that maybe I would upset them, the reality is I didn't.

awuh1

Be honest and just tell her how you feel. This change, this new life, it’s about the journey. You will have many guides along the way. Some you will recognize and some you won’t. Some will be more important than others. I have a feeling you will make it to Lisbon. Glad you decided to join us.

shaun00

What a kind, thoughtful, selfless thing to do........stepping away from old sponsee,, so she can focus and work with a new sponsor....

sugarbear1

As suggested, be honest with her. Maybe go out together and have a nice talk.

I've learned that when I have a problem with another person, I am the one who really has the problem. When I can discuss situations with another person and step away from my self, especially when communication is open and honest, then I can begin to see the whole picture of what life is about and I can see their point of view while sticking within my own boundaries. I call that growth!

Most likely it's your perception of what's going on. Until I worked the 12 steps, my perceptions were a bit distorted. I didn't know me. I was people pleasing, unsure, and self involved. Today, I can step away from myself. It's a process, so the more I communicate honestly with another person, the more I keep learning .

Relax. Start working with your new sponsor and get into those steps!

DayTrader

Eliasson...

One of the lessons I didn't learn easily was how and THAT ppl in recovery can and will let me down. I'm not being a bummer here.....but for ME, my expectations of what others would do for me, be for me, and help me with were out of whack.

Time will tell whether you made the right move in changing. What I like seeing is that you made a move that wasn't the easy route, wasn't necessarily what you WANTED, but was what you thought you needed. Anytime I see someone taking the more difficult path....I take notice and I want to applaud you for it. To me, it's indicative of someone taking responsibility for their sobriety......even if it means hurting someone's feelings.......even when that someone promised you it wouldn't bother them.

I see another lesson here as well though......that ppl can and sometimes do let us down --and for me, that's why MY strength and supply MUST come from a God of my understanding. People are fallible....and sometimes unreliable......even the "best" of us. Maybe you two will talk things out...but maybe you won't. I can't say. Know that her hurt feelings (IF they're hurt) are HER job to work on....her issue to sort out, not yours.

Gottalife

Lesson 1 AA is not a mutual admiration society
Lesson 2, people have feet of clay.

Eliasson

Mike-thank you for taking the time to read my post and respond. I think lesson 1 means not everyone is going to like each other and that's ok? But what does lesson 2 mean? The feet of clay? Thank u!

awuh1

If you say that someone you admire has feet of clay, you mean they have hidden faults.

Threshold

I belonged to a church where my family and the pastor's family were very close. Then he called one day to say he'd taken a new job in another state. We hadn't even known he was looking.

I knew it was not personal, that there were real reasons that he could not share until the deal was done. The family left and we missed them but stayed in touch.

A few people in our church had weddings or deaths in the next year, and understandably wanted "their" pastor to officiate, since they knew him best. He could have made the trip, it was only a few hours, but refused. He had to keep his distance and allow us all to form a new strong bond with the new pastor. He was, in a gentle sense, forcing us to reach out to the new pastor when we needed guidance, solace etc.

It was very hard to not take that personally, when someone had a big life event to not have the former pastor respond as he once had, etc.

I know, because we were friends with the pastor, that this was very difficult for him as well. So very hard to have to step back when people he dearly cared for wanted him close. He is human too.

something to consider.

SOBERINNEPA

My first sponsor told me that he didn't want me reading "outside" material, meaning anything but the big book and the 12 & 12. I knew that wasn't going to work, for me, and I knew I had to be honest with the guy. After some discussion, we decided that we weren't a good fit and I moved on. I still see him at meetings, from time to time, and I don't believe there are any hard feelings, at least on my part.

If the sponsor relationship isn;t mutually beneficial, it's not meant to last.

Music

Eliasson, if you're that much of a people pleaser, I'm wondering who's distant from whom. When a person goes back out and drinks again, it's generally not because of what a sponsor does or doesn't do. It's a case of the pigeon not wanting to quit drinking....yet!

Tommyh

your original sponsor is a human being and it may have hurt her feelings some but she apparently loves you enough to step aside despite any possible hurt feelings on her part,to see you get better with a new sponsor

you may want to let a few days go by so the emotions can settle down some and see how you feel then

zorah

remember that we're all in recovery and that what people do isn't necessarily about us. you've made a healthy move (hooray for you!) and health isn't easy for us! :-) i've been where you are and its so hard when you're dying for approval. also, just a thought, you may be "getting it" just fine but need something else. another sponsor may be the answer or.... maybe you also have a dual diagnosis and need more than one kind of support. at any rate, this is YOUR path. all the best to you, zorah

jojoba

Your first sponsor was correct. You made an error in dumping him.

I make it clear to my sponsees that the Big Book is the program. If they want to design a hybrid program based on Scientology, Ayn Rand, etc. they won't get any help from me. I'm not running a $30,000 year college where people design their own majors.

Gottalife

Hi Eliasson,

Awuh1 has no doubt given you the correct definition, But to me it was one of the most profound lessons my sponsor taught me. His objective was to help me place my ultimate dependence on God as I understand him, rather than anything human, because we are beyond human aid. Initially I took it at face value, that people will always let you down, even if unintentionally. They will always make decisions based on their own view of life and sometimes that won't suit me and I'll be disappointed.

But there was a deeper meaning which I did not come to understand until much later in life. People also die. I had three rocks in my life to whom I could always turn, my father, my wife and my sponsor. They have all passed away now and I find myself with children, sponsees, and employees who now look to me for the same things. I am so glad my sponsor taught me this. I get my strength from God and He has never let me down.

muvinon

Relationships aren't like velcro.....things change slowly. Backing away doesn't mean she's hurt. Backing away means she's giving space.

Let it unfold naturally, and it works out better.

Best thing I heard? We don't have to go to divorce court to change sponsors!

RobbyRobot

Awesome. Feeings are of course important. Not so important though that they alone can suffice to be the singular reason used to validate our decisions on changing sponsors or not. Look past your feelings and come to a better understanding of your decision so as to take the pressure off your feelings.

Your old sponsor is making good sense of a tough situation. She accepts and understands the value of sharing friendship with you. She also anticipates the initial struggle of the new friendship relationship, and has declared her intentions. She is earnest in being a friend. Awesome. Why not take her at her word? Continue to let the sponsorship go and put as much into the friendship as you can manage. Don't expect sponsorship attentions from an ex-sponsor.


Mixing sponsorship and friendship so throughly together can have consequences when things must change because of whatever. I don't know you or your sponsor, but I know right from wrong in a friendship / sponsorship, and my advice here for you is to realise your old sponsor is being an excellent friend, and at the same time no longer being your sponsor. Awesome, yeah? You're getting exactly what you wanted when you sought answer in pray for your struggle. Gratitude and thankfulness comes to mind for me when I think of how you could be feeling about all this as it proceeds.

I doubt her feelings are hurt all that much over a friendship that she promised she would love to have in her life. I understand her pulling back as really you not having her for a sponsor any longer, just as you both have agreed.

I suggest you reach out to your friend. You know, to have a friend we must be a friend, yeah? Why not ease up and just go have some quality time with your friend? You already have a new sponsor, so that is taken care of so no worries there. Enjoy what has obviously worked out so well.

CarolD

Seems as tho both of you may be having over the top expectations
of your relationship Not all friendships are forever..everyone changes.
.
Spnsors are there as mentors for Step work...I wish you well with your new one...