Hi/Al-Anon Right for Me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 5
Hi/Al-Anon Right for Me?
So glad to find you. Have finally realized that it's not only my recovering sis that needs help...it's me. Would appreciate insight re: whether Al-Anon might be right for me.
I have been struggling all my adult life to help/support/fix my identical twin sister, who stopped drinking 20 years ago. We were raised with neglect and abandonment, left by our parents with a mentally ill grandmother who isolated and terrorized us. My sis was also sexually abused by our GM. I wasn't. We were each other's support and protection growing up, in a family nearly all of whose members (we had a loving grandfather) were themselves abuse survivors, absent, etc. Many of my closest family members are recovering addicts (with one an active drug user). My twin and I were born prematurely, and I weighed more and was heartier than she from the beginning. I sometimes feel like the odd person out in my family group.
While my sis attends meetings and works the steps -- and focuses on and talks obsessively and constantly about self-help and recovery -- she remains anxious and depressive (though she is sometimes bubbly and funny). She tends to think obsessively about her eating and other things (self-regulation sort of "all or nothing"). While she is not selfish, she is highly self-absorbed and doesn't realize it. She lacks self-confidence and often points out her faults and shortcomings to others. Her behavior and self-image sadden and scare me. They are unrelenting reminders of our frightening, painful early life, from which I have tried in my own ways to heal.
After suicidal depression and ECT about five years ago -- and ongoing depression and anxiety meds -- she has been on SSDI but was recently told they were taking it away because she made too much on her part-time job. I am now worried for her and afraid that my financial and emotional resources must help keep her afloat.?
Her husband, also in recovery for a long time, works hard (and as a result is almost never home) but doesn't earn much. His mother is an untreated paranoid schizophrenic (lots of mental illness in family).
They can barely pay bills on what they make, and have debt. They have a wonderful high-school age daughter, whose support and upkeep they can barely afford. Though my sis is a loving mom, I at times feel afraid that her anxiety and obsessiveness affect my niece.
I love my sis more than anything, but her anxiety and fear -- including rational fears about almost no financial resources or safety net, and feeling that she's not well enough to work -- scare and sadden me. She and her husband seem to be just able to keep their heads above water emotionally and financially, and not much more. Surviving but not thriving (at least this is the way it looks to me). I and other family members have given them money, a car, a TV, a dishwasher, and have helped them pay their bills on and off.
At almost every juncture of our lives, I have stepped in to try to be there for her emotionally and have nearly exhausted my liquid financial resources. Just recently, it's occurred to me that I've always tried to be "strong" and successful "for both of us." To try to make everything OK. But my heart and mind are so tired, and I need to live differently.
As an identical twin with an unbelievably strong bond to my sis, I need to start learning what it is to love her without feeling responsible for eliminating her sufffering or the consequences of how she has lived. Lately, I have been avoiding her to try to get some distance, and she's noticing it. I need to know that my heart and spirit are going to be OK even if she is struggling, or worse.
Sorry for long ramble. The tears are coming. Is Al-Anon maybe a good thing, even if sis is not drinking? Thank you.
I have been struggling all my adult life to help/support/fix my identical twin sister, who stopped drinking 20 years ago. We were raised with neglect and abandonment, left by our parents with a mentally ill grandmother who isolated and terrorized us. My sis was also sexually abused by our GM. I wasn't. We were each other's support and protection growing up, in a family nearly all of whose members (we had a loving grandfather) were themselves abuse survivors, absent, etc. Many of my closest family members are recovering addicts (with one an active drug user). My twin and I were born prematurely, and I weighed more and was heartier than she from the beginning. I sometimes feel like the odd person out in my family group.
While my sis attends meetings and works the steps -- and focuses on and talks obsessively and constantly about self-help and recovery -- she remains anxious and depressive (though she is sometimes bubbly and funny). She tends to think obsessively about her eating and other things (self-regulation sort of "all or nothing"). While she is not selfish, she is highly self-absorbed and doesn't realize it. She lacks self-confidence and often points out her faults and shortcomings to others. Her behavior and self-image sadden and scare me. They are unrelenting reminders of our frightening, painful early life, from which I have tried in my own ways to heal.
After suicidal depression and ECT about five years ago -- and ongoing depression and anxiety meds -- she has been on SSDI but was recently told they were taking it away because she made too much on her part-time job. I am now worried for her and afraid that my financial and emotional resources must help keep her afloat.?
Her husband, also in recovery for a long time, works hard (and as a result is almost never home) but doesn't earn much. His mother is an untreated paranoid schizophrenic (lots of mental illness in family).
They can barely pay bills on what they make, and have debt. They have a wonderful high-school age daughter, whose support and upkeep they can barely afford. Though my sis is a loving mom, I at times feel afraid that her anxiety and obsessiveness affect my niece.
I love my sis more than anything, but her anxiety and fear -- including rational fears about almost no financial resources or safety net, and feeling that she's not well enough to work -- scare and sadden me. She and her husband seem to be just able to keep their heads above water emotionally and financially, and not much more. Surviving but not thriving (at least this is the way it looks to me). I and other family members have given them money, a car, a TV, a dishwasher, and have helped them pay their bills on and off.
At almost every juncture of our lives, I have stepped in to try to be there for her emotionally and have nearly exhausted my liquid financial resources. Just recently, it's occurred to me that I've always tried to be "strong" and successful "for both of us." To try to make everything OK. But my heart and mind are so tired, and I need to live differently.
As an identical twin with an unbelievably strong bond to my sis, I need to start learning what it is to love her without feeling responsible for eliminating her sufffering or the consequences of how she has lived. Lately, I have been avoiding her to try to get some distance, and she's noticing it. I need to know that my heart and spirit are going to be OK even if she is struggling, or worse.
Sorry for long ramble. The tears are coming. Is Al-Anon maybe a good thing, even if sis is not drinking? Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome to SR, Girl49. YES! Al-Anon is a great resource.
Al-Anon is a program that was developed for families but is great for anyone. It can teach you skills for detaching with love, finding acceptance, and learning to enjoy your life again in spite of the drama that surrounds us all.
Give it a try. It is different at first...I really struggled for the first couple meetings. But then it hit me. I was there for me, and this was a place I could learn and be safe. And I am a more grounded, calmer, more accepting version of myself today for having gone to that first meeting.
Give it a try - keep us posted!
~T
Al-Anon is a program that was developed for families but is great for anyone. It can teach you skills for detaching with love, finding acceptance, and learning to enjoy your life again in spite of the drama that surrounds us all.
Give it a try. It is different at first...I really struggled for the first couple meetings. But then it hit me. I was there for me, and this was a place I could learn and be safe. And I am a more grounded, calmer, more accepting version of myself today for having gone to that first meeting.
Give it a try - keep us posted!
~T
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl 
...detaching with love, finding acceptance, and learning to enjoy your life again in spite of the drama that surrounds us all.~T
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 5
Thanks, Hollyanne. The first stages of awareness of my own behavior are tough. After not picking it up for years, I'm reading "Co-Dependent No More," and it's a textbook description of my feelings and emotional habits. It's sobering (no pun intended...LOL). Am realizing how enmeshed I am with my sis and want so much to learn to love myself and her in a healthier way. I want to stop suffering so much and enjoy and look forward to my life again.
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