DayTrader

In the last year and a couple months, I picked up 6 sponsees. (that was a quick run from zero to six). They were relatively spaced out in when they approached me / I approached them so it worked out fine (I'm divorced, no kids, and can't drive......so I had the time...lol).

I took all of them though the book.....Dr's Opinion on to wherever they are now (which ranges from done to still draaaaaaaaaaaaagging a foot through 4). Each time I'd get one to 4, a new one popped up and I'd be back at one again...which is fine.

Usually when I take someone through the work, when they get to 4 I do a 4th as well but there were so many brand new guys that the last 4th/5th+ I did formally was one with my first guy back in March 2011.

Get to the point Mike! -- I have a b-day coming up and my own statistics tell me it's time to do another 4th. I'm quite current on 1-3 given all the times through them recently or I would have started there. My sponsor and I both agreed it was, based upon the time, time to do 4-9. That's cool......wanted to do one a while ago but just didn't have/make the time. Here's the rub...... I've been thinking about it for a week.....pretty standard. Fears won't be a problem...have a couple to write about. Sexual ideal....notta problem either. Have some ideas. The "issue" is resentments. None have hit my mind in the last week. Nobody I'm really sore at, mad at, etc. Can't seem to think of any recurring feelings that are outside of some $-related fears. ....and I think I have a pretty good grip on resentments.

Now.....if a sponsee told me he couldn't see resentment, I'd probably smile and suggest he do some looking...cuz odds are, they're there. So my objective mind is telling me I'm missing them....but my conscious mind can't find any. Playing the odds, I'd tell myself I'm in denial, blocked, deluded or something like that.

To be fair, I haven't sat down.....paper and pen in front of me.......haven't written the prayers I usually write at the top of p.1......haven't asked God to show me what He wants me to get on the paper....etc etc etc So, maybe something will come to me then.... But it's been a week of "searching" my mind and I'm coming up with nothing.

......seems odd, right? I mean, NO current resentments?

suggestions appreciated and.....assuming I find a gazillion of 'em hiding somewhere in my subconscious, I'll let ya all know so we can have a laugh.

sugarbear1

what about sarcasm. I got it from another post you wrote....

DayTrader

Oh I have no problem with THAT! In fact, I think sarcasm is WONDERFUL.

LOL......

(good one! )


.........I think Sugarbear just made the list..........

lol, JK

sugarbear1

Lol

TheJungianThing

What about the instruction allowing us to put ourselves on the list ?

"Sometimes we were sore at ourselves ..." ?

Always something about me I'm sore at, something I could be doing better, something I am not doing, something I am doing etc...

Most recently it came down to spending too much money eating out, buying coffee, and showing a real lack of self discipline in my diet and exercise. All of which are basically depriving my family of money that they can use. "Produce more, consume less" has become a mantra of sorts and I haven't been producing more and consuming less.

When they told us the other day how much it would cost to at least try and see what was wrong with our dog and that he wouldn't make it through the weekend without a 2400 weekend at the hospital - it all came back. In a Step 6 and 7 sort of way.

We had to put him down yesterday and it was a pain I'd never thought I'd feel. It was my first dog and first experience at having to make that decision (along with my wife) but nevertheless.

With three kids, having to have a new roof put on the house, and not putting anything towards retirement or the kids colleges just yet.

It's an area I need to be willing to change ASAP.

Today in a meeting I heard a very powerful "living in the solution" guy share about "thrift and obedience".

Somebody's trying to get my attention I guess.

Don't mean to steal you thread here. But a few weeks ago, my DOG made my resentment list for pooping on the floor. I made amends before he died - to a dog. In fact it was through my "walking him more" amends that we noticed his declining health in a period of weeks.

-------------------------

It's an election year. What's not to resent ? Institutions count. Principles count, people lacking principles running for office count.

I'm so inclined to label these folks on my facebook extolling the virtues of their party and condemning the other - I get resentful. Why ?

Well my All American Anti Authoritarian stance is the ONLY right way, that'a why.

I don't know, once I get started I usually wake up to current resentment even though I feel resentment free. And I'm about to take a fellow through a fourth and I was thinking of this very thing tonight. Having done this recently as well, "Why I don't have any resentments" entered my head.

:rotfxko

Who am I kidding ? I'm a resentful man by nature. Only grace frees me from them. So tonight it started.

I was sore at myself because my irresponsible, undisciplined spending in the past made it such that we didn't have the money to take care of our beloved dog.

I'll have inventory.

shaun00

[QUOTE......seems odd, right? I mean, NO current resentments? ][/QUOTE]

Not really mike,.... i dont think its odd at all....... monumental shift in thinking and attitude maybe?..........
I lived with hate and bile for so long it became second nature.......NOW....i no longer live in that self delusion, resentments that come up are real stark and real clear and i deal with them swiftly.....i cant think of any at the moment.....so maybe there just isnt any...

Gottalife

Could it be that your practice of the living steps, 10, 11, 12, is beginning to bear fruit? Perhaps you have been fixing any new mistakes as you go along, rather than storing them up. Is it possible there are no unresolved problems in this area today? Maybe this is one of those spiritual experiences. I have had those moments where something like this happens and I look in amazement and say "Wow, how did that happen? Thank you God." How wonderful not to be carrying the garbage of resentments around.

omegasupreme

Me: babbling...

Sponsor: have you written inventory on this?

Me: No.

Sponsor: Go write some inventory.

Me: What kind? Fear? Resentment? Because I'm not really clear on any resentments or anything...so who or what do I need to be writing about and how? Like columns or sentences...I'm not sure what you want???

Sponsor: What hand do you write with?

Me: Right hand.

Sponsor: Then when you wake up tomorrow morning before you get out of bed the first thing you're going to do is open your notebook, put the pen in your left hand, write "Dear God,..." and go from there.

UpperbucksAAguy

As the conditions change around us in recovery so do the same defects. Resentments may not be as noticeable.

Have I ever been annoyed at an AA meeting? Why?
Politics?
My Employer?
Taxes?
People in the rooms who aren't doing what I think they should?
Children?

DayTrader

Well, 4 names did come to me. I think, like Shaun said, things in my life HAVE changed and the resentments are handled a lot quicker during the course of the day so very few get much "safe harbor" in my head....not for long anyway.

The other component is that, deep down, even though I KNOW how great it is.........I just plain don't like writing when I'm "supposed" to. It's not the writing per-se....it's more of a "I don't like to follow rules" - even when I'M the one who set up the rules. lol
I suspected, and it's why I started the thread, that my defiance was in effect and "it" found a seemingly noble reason not to write.....cuz you're so good Mike that there ARE no resentments.

So......I'm off to do some writing. We'll see...... each inventory is a little different for me. No BIG resentments on this one but maybe it'll be one I REALLY learn something from.

SOBERINNEPA

Smells to me like you're in an unsufferably good place.

I do kind of know what you're talking about, though. I have nothing like the anger and shame issues I had a year ago. Sobriety, AA and the shift from insanity to sanity.

May your 4th Step list always be short!

Boleo

There have been times when I thought I had "No current resentments". But all I have to do is sit down in front of the TV for a hour or so and I see hundreds of celebrities who seem to have gotten rich & famous for just being incredibly foolish.

Not to mention, one hour at a bad AA meeting makes me sorry I sold my gun.

Notabobblehead

Yeah, we will know peace comes to mind. If I am applying the principals of AA (for me rigorous honest, open-mindedness and willingness) that I learned in steps 4-9, my resentments are pretty lightweight.

I know I need to do a resentment inventory when I start playing angry tapes. I have a little argument in my head with the person ... and I ALWAYS win

The price I pay for this indulgence in my character defects is saying bye-bye to any peace of mind or spirituality.

Soooo I do this instead:
When this tape starts I get busy with step 10. I think about what character defect is riled up. Usually for me pride. Once I identify the defect I get with God to figure out if I need to change something or let something go. Crucial decision for me. Hopefully I have done this before acting on the resentment. If not, I make the amends. Because I practice 10, 11, and 12 on a regular basis it doesn't take God and me long to get back to peace of mind.

If however I cannot get rid of the resentment easily it comes into my prayer and meditation time. I then use the Freedom from Bondage (story in the back of the BB) example and start specifically praying for person or situation for a while.

And I reallllllllly enjoy the times when I am blessed with a resentment free day

Justfor1

Ive been told that when they use to do the 4th step back in the day that the sponsees wrote not just resentments/liabilities but assets or positives also. Not sure if you are doing this or not?

newby1961

This too Shall Pass. Lol

I too love sarcasm but I will tell ya some people on-line have gotten pretty self righteous about it. One site I go to they sort of bully up on you but they try and pretend like they are not. Its hard to explain but it just makes me stay all the more lol.
I guess some people are going like ya and some aren't. Like my sponsor says its none of my business what others think of me.
Happy searching.

Firehazard

Hi DT,
Not odd at all to not have resentments on the surface of our conscious mind espeacially when working a strong program.

I attended a beginners meeting for two months this year to get back to the basics and got a great bit of information on a little card. It was huge because I had alway just used one word resentments for my 4th step list which worked at first but can get much deeper than that when the terms get more specific. The card was titled Shapes & Colors or Anger with a list of words underneath as follows:

hostility, grudges, hatred, resentments, contempt, envy, sarcasm, self-pity, distrust, intolerance, rigidity, cynicism, discontent, tension, anxiety, suspicion, jealousy, irritability and F E A R

These terms being hidden I found it very useful to break out a OLD 1924 dictionary and really meditate on what each one means. Hope you hit paydirt again after all Mr. Hyde is still in there somewhere right?

:

Another issue may have to do with a nice fuzzy comfort zone. If I have been doing my tenth and eleventh step for awaile the bumps and pitfalls during my daily routine are probably taken care of. Therefore the paths that you travel and meetings you normally go to have been smoothed out. However, mix it up a bit with trips to your least favorite meetings, new routes of travel during the day to the bad parts of town, new personalities and I bet you can uncover some good stuff.

Tommyh

hi Mike
I would suggest you pray and ask for help,and then write down every instance of anger you ever had,(whether it be cured or not) when it pops into your head.
Thinking will screw it up,so do not think.

When we ask God,it comes into our minds and we better get to writing before thinking.We can think ourselves into not writing.

do not worry about "sorting" anything out,that will come later
just pray and write as quickly as you can
we must be free of anger or it kills us,that`s why I say,anger.

If you run slow or stop with the names of people,ask for help with institutions and then principles
We are now in the business of trusting and relying in God and He will give you to write what He wants.That`s the main thing

good luck as you make out your grudge list

jojoba

You were right at the first place about not having any resentments at this time. So make an amends to yourself for second-guessing your original (sound) judgement, and you're finished.

DayTrader

Nope....I don't do that. .....and not because it's not in the book (although that's a decent reason, it's not enough of one for me). 99.999% of the time it's not been a beneficial experience other than the two or three "assets" I wrote once which were ID'd as some pretty big liabilities given how I was using them. I REALLY don't write inventory to get a "feel good" feeling about myself. I can do that plenty well enough with my capabilities of denial and delusion. lol. I try, like Chuck C used to say, to Uncover, Discover and Discard. How I feel while I'm doing it isn't nearly as important as how I AM after the practice of getting rid of the bad stuff. Patting myself on the back for the good things......when I know there's plenty of damaged stuff still on the shelves.....just feels like a big lie to me.

When I write 4 column inventory, I follow the BB........sometimes I'll deviate and expand the 3rd column out substantially.....and do the same with the 4th column......but that's it. I usually do the expanded 3rd or 4th when it's a single resentment.....or maybe two.....but usually just on "big" ones. For this inventory, I'm keeping it short and to the point.

If I'm free-writing or journaling, I'll just write about current experiences with no (hopefully) preconception about whether they're necessarily pros or cons...because, like I said, I've mixed those up before.

OH.......FWIW......I did come up with about a dozen resentments. I sat down, paper in front of me, wrote out my prayer, and asked God to guide me in what He wanted me to look at. About 6 small things came to mind so they got listed out. Maybe another 5 or 6 came later. None of them were "biggies" and, compared to past inventories, that just seemed odd......in a good way. I;m halfway through column 4 on them now...then onto the fear list which, I suspect, could be pretty substantial.

On the fear inventory.....fears in a list... I do that. What do you all do from there. 2 columns with the second "why we have the fear" / 2 columns with the second "who would He have me be" or something different?

Tommyh

i got my fears from the 3rd column of resentment/anger list and then prayed and listed others
then
3 questions on each fear-no columns for me

1.why do I have this fear?Here I also try to see where/when it first appeared in my life.
2.how did self reliance fail me with this fear?example-how did i use self reliance to over come this fear?
3.how would this fear been different if i have trusted and relied in God?
In I had trusted and relied in God_____ ____ _____ _______

then i pray the fear prayer in the big book after each fear listed simplier to the sick mans prayer i prayed after each instance of anger