Looking4ward

This is a mantra I have been telling myself over the last few weeks. I'm telling you this because I am a mess and have been one for quite awhile. It's hitting me pretty hard lately... it's like I feel permanently damaged - will I ever get my finances in order? Will I get myself into the career I KNOW I am capable of performing well in (AND making a decent living), And last, Will I heal myself enough to Actually have the first loving relationship?

My divorce is almost finished (Yay), but I have always had problems facing confusing or potentially damaging situations. Hiding my head in the sand won't file my divorce for me, or send my taxes in or send my resume out. This has been going on for months, unfortunately.

And yet DESPITE my mantra chanting, all of these old feeling are coming up. The things I had to live through as a child of an alcoholic dad (and watch him Still do today), then the horrible things I did to Myself as an angry messed up teenager, and then the knowledge that it was ME who put myself in harm's way in marrying my husband. I want to be WHOLE. I want to have the CONFIDENCE to achieve the way that other people do.

And then I repeat to myself, "Change is not only possible, but probable."

But when will I believe it?

Looking4ward

I'm sorry, I have to post again, even if it is just to write, write, write. I really can't get some of the things that have happened to me out of my head right now. I'd relate them to you, but I'd end up sobbing all over my keyboard. I know the way I have lived and grew up was not normal or stable or safe... I just want that NOW.
I wish I could just push all of that out of my body, out of my mind. I just want to be FREE from all of it, you know what I mean?

MyBetterWorld

Relay away! Sobbing over your keyboard may be just what you need to do to start letting go! We are all here for you. It does get better......you are obviously a strong person. YOU CAN DO THIS!

Looking4ward

Thank you... It all just welled up... I'm thinking about the cops I had to bring to my house. Did you know my husband once held a knife to me? Did you know he then took the knife and almost stabbed our dog? The cops came and he was passed out. They asked me if I wanted them to take him away to sleep it off in a jail cell, but I said no. It seemed beside the point by then.
Or what about when the social worker was talking to me the time he was in the emergency psych ward for having tried to kill himself. I even had a therapist who wouldn't let me leave our session until I had called some women's shelter's
AND IT STARTED SO YOUNG
I've had social workers surrounding me SINCE I WAS A KID
It all seems so UNFAIUR
I DIDN'T DO ANY OF THIS!!!
I want it gone...

Looking4ward

I even had one cop take me aside one time (yeah, regular occurrence...) TELL me it wasn't normal to have the cops come. I HAD TO BE TOLD that it's not normal ot have cops come to your house...
Somebody had to TELL ME I was being abused to believe it.
I want more than this...

EnglishGarden

You were an innocent victim as a child. And even though you believe that as an adult you should have been able to be healthier, what I know of addiction is that no matter one's history--even if a person was raised in the healthiest, most sane household on the planet--if someone marries or becomes intimately involved with an addict, that disease of addiction will overwhelm her, too, it will consume her and control her, too, and she will inevitably and through no fault of her own, become emotionally and mentally ill just by being in the environment of an addict.

Therapists speak of "traumatic repetition." Perhaps you've heard the term? When children experience a trauma in childhood which goes untreated, as adults they will unconsciously draw to themselves persons who will in some way create an environment for that trauma to be repeated.

Some believe--me too--that this is Life seeking a healing. That in the current situation, which mirrors the original trauma, all the buried hurt and devastation that had been buried by the wounded child comes to the surface. When it comes up--in the current situation, all that pain--then we are able to find help to heal it. As children we couldn't. But as adults we have some resources, we have some volition, and what has been an unhealed, distorting wound in us can be healed. If we reach out for help.

If we don't get help, our unconscious motivates us to continue to bring the trauma into our lives again. Maybe this looks sick to those outside us who wonder what's wrong with us as we keep making unhealthy choices. But the real reason we make those unhealthy choices, unaware, is that Life wants us to heal an open wound.

Be kind to yourself. The shame you feel is part of the destruction of addiction, and this shame needs somehow to be released. It is a symptom, and there is no truth in it about who you are and how beautiful your spirit. This shame is part of what has hurt you for so long.

If you can't afford counseling, then if you find a good Al-Anon group with members of long-time recovery, you can ask someone to be your sponsor. That person will be able to help you let go this unwarranted shame.

What has happened to you is not your fault and you did not deserve it. You deserve to be healed and free.

LifeRecovery

I agree with EnglishGarden.

I also feel like I picked a perfect adult relationship to be in to heal from my childhood wounds. My goal now is to heal enough to not have to re-learn some of these very challenging lessons. For my wounds to heal I have to get rid of a lot of infected stuff first.

I believe that change is possible, and probable, and most importantly that change brings the opportunity for hope in my life, and healing. That does not make change easy.

Getting out of old behaviors is so challenging. Accepting that you have them is the first step however. It is also a huge step to realize that they aren't working any more. I also have learned that whipping myself for old behaviors that don't work for me anymore just makes it harder for me to get out of them.

This is kind of jumping across forums, but I love this passage about recovery from an eating disorder and I think it can work in other situations too. It helps me to keep perspective on my wounding, and my recovery.

From Anita Johnson in Eating by the Light of the Moon

"Imagine yourself standing in the rain on the bank of a raging river. Suddenly, the water-swollen bank gives way. You fall in and find yourself being tossed around in the rapids. Your efforts to keep afloat are futile and you are drowning. By chance, along comes a huge log and you grab it and hold on tight. The log keeps your head above water and saves your life. Clinging to the log you are swept downstream and eventually come to a place where the water is calm. There in the distance, you see the riverbank and attempt to swim to shore. You are unable to do so, however, because you are still clinging to the huge log with one arm as you stroke with the other. How ironic. The very thing that saved your life is now getting in the way of your getting where you want to go. There are people on the shore who see you struggle and yell, “Let go of the log!” But you are unable to do so because you have no confidence in your ability to make it to shore.

And so, very slowly and carefully, you let go of the log and practice floating. When you start to sink, you grab back on. Then you let go of the log and practice treading water, and when you get tired, hold on once again. After awhile, you practice swimming around the log once, twice, ten times, twenty times, a hundred times, until you gain the strength and confidence you need to swim to shore. Only then do you completely let go of the log."

Looking4ward

I think English Garden's way of looking at things is really helpful, thank you. Another poster also posted a thread about a woman who went into a kind of indulgent financial freefall in the wake of her divorce from a serial cheater.
I also am in freefall.
I went from a very ambitious person, to a person who Wishes to be ambitious. I've been having trouble getting back on track.
The thread that I am referring to, the protagonist needs to forgive herself before she can move on.
Yes, I was weepy yesterday, bad memories coming through the woodwork, but what I Really want is to move on. I want to get my life back together. I want to be able to start doing all the work I know I am capable of doing.
I'm not quite sure what forgiveness means in this context, though I do like the notion I am in this predicament as a lesson necessary for me to get beyond some past hurt.

Looking4ward

I'm feeling the pain again today. It mystifies me because I am doing MORE of what should help me feel BETTER, not WORSE. Although, maybe this is good, old feelings, painful feelings coming to the surface.
My swiss-cheese childhood, my young adult life filled with stops and starts. I want to get PAST, but maybe that's the wrong way to look at it. Maybe I should be looking to INCORPORATE.
Do you want to know what I miss the most? I used to have such a feeling of connectedness when I was a girl. When things would get really bad with my Dad, I used to go for these walks in the park behind my house. There was a really big hill that I used to climb. You could watch the sunset from here as well as the sunrise. I used to go there and wait till I got to cold to stay outside anymore. Although I think it's SICK that this is the way I grew up, I am touched by my child's instinct at keeping myself safe and enjoying beauty as much as I could. It was the instinct of detachment, NC and doing what I needed to do to keep myself sane.
I am crying a little today... I hate the pain...
Send me a hug, if you can...

Spes

You are not alone **{huggs}}

wicked

Here is a hug for you Looking4ward:

:ghug3

and one for the little girl who went somewhere safe and beautiful to keep herself together:

:ghug3

Can you find some walks to take, to see the beauty of the natural world?
I love to do this.

Beth