Does anyone know about the evil dark cloud that descends?
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Does anyone know about the evil dark cloud that descends?
The one that seems to cloak long-term alcoholics, making them bitter, cynical, sarcastic, mean, hateful, angry, insane?
I hate even brief visits with my father who has been an alcoholic for about sixty years now. I feel as if there is literally a poison gas cloud of hateful emotion that surrounds him and emanates from him and is dangerous to anyone around him.
Is it just the nature of the disease of alcoholism or is he just naturally an a**hole? I always have wondered, what part of it is alcoholism, what part of it is just how he is? I never knew him before he started drinking so I don't know who he might have been way back when.
I've read hundreds of books about alcoholism, gone to al-ateen, al-anon and ACOA meetings and I still wonder about that dark cloud of evil.
I wonder if others here know what I am talking about, with their addicts?
I hate even brief visits with my father who has been an alcoholic for about sixty years now. I feel as if there is literally a poison gas cloud of hateful emotion that surrounds him and emanates from him and is dangerous to anyone around him.
Is it just the nature of the disease of alcoholism or is he just naturally an a**hole? I always have wondered, what part of it is alcoholism, what part of it is just how he is? I never knew him before he started drinking so I don't know who he might have been way back when.
I've read hundreds of books about alcoholism, gone to al-ateen, al-anon and ACOA meetings and I still wonder about that dark cloud of evil.
I wonder if others here know what I am talking about, with their addicts?
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I've never heard of this term, but I sure can vouch for a few A's I know who have become this way. I would say that it can be explained away quite simply. Since alcohol IS a depressant, it's pretty easy to imagine that the longer one drinks, the more depressed they will become. After a while, the world just seems bleak and they become 'bitter, cynical, sarcastic, mean, hateful, angry and insane'.
It's really much like any progressive disease. If you look at it that way, he has been severely depressed and therefore ill, much of his life (and yours).
It's very sad for both of you that it has been this way. There's probably nothing in the world that would help him find reason to change now, but the good thing is that you've done what you needed to do to try to understand and to bring about good things in your own life (I hope). That's all you ever could do.
It's really much like any progressive disease. If you look at it that way, he has been severely depressed and therefore ill, much of his life (and yours).
It's very sad for both of you that it has been this way. There's probably nothing in the world that would help him find reason to change now, but the good thing is that you've done what you needed to do to try to understand and to bring about good things in your own life (I hope). That's all you ever could do.
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I have yet to meet an A (those who are still active in their addiction and of course, convinced that the world is against them and they are "misunderstood") who didn't fit your description.
AH's father is a mean, angry, vengeful drunk and AH is exactly like him except doesn't see it that way at all.
At the end of the day whether my stbxAH, his father or your father recognize what wretched people they are really isn't important-- I think all that matters is that you are miserable when you spend time with your father and find his behavior (as I would too) intolerable. Given that, you have every right to stop putting yourself in a position of letting his toxicity get to you.
You don't owe him visits- if you want to go, that's one thing but just bc someone is blood related doesn't give them the right to harm us and demand interaction.
AH's father is a mean, angry, vengeful drunk and AH is exactly like him except doesn't see it that way at all.
At the end of the day whether my stbxAH, his father or your father recognize what wretched people they are really isn't important-- I think all that matters is that you are miserable when you spend time with your father and find his behavior (as I would too) intolerable. Given that, you have every right to stop putting yourself in a position of letting his toxicity get to you.
You don't owe him visits- if you want to go, that's one thing but just bc someone is blood related doesn't give them the right to harm us and demand interaction.
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Thank you. I've gone very limited contact with my family and really the longer I stay away, the better I feel. But sometimes I do feel guilty about taking care of my own health instead of doing what "society" says is proper for parents. I have done the best I could. I offered to get him into a detox/rehab program via the military, using our home as a base before/after treatment, and he rejected the offer. Doesn't believe anything is wrong with him - it's all the rest of the world that's wrong, not him. There is also a history of abuse, which makes it more difficult for me when visiting, and more deleterious to my health (I have PTSD, formally diagnosed, due to my childhood.)
I know he only has a little time left on this earth. I guess there is part of me that wonders, what part of all that he(( was his basic personality, and what part of it was alcoholism?
From these posts I am thinking it was 100% the alcoholism.
I know he only has a little time left on this earth. I guess there is part of me that wonders, what part of all that he(( was his basic personality, and what part of it was alcoholism?
From these posts I am thinking it was 100% the alcoholism.
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I was just thinking, that's an accurate metaphor for at least some practicing alcoholics, isn't it?
And yet I have to fight the tendency to feel sorry for the tornado, try to understand the tornado, try to help the tornado.
Maybe when I have a tornado in my life, it's just best to walk away and protect myself, since there is absolutely nothing I could do to change the tornado.
And yet I have to fight the tendency to feel sorry for the tornado, try to understand the tornado, try to help the tornado.
Maybe when I have a tornado in my life, it's just best to walk away and protect myself, since there is absolutely nothing I could do to change the tornado.
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Well, that describes my dad to a T. He was a functioning alcoholic. He was a 6-7 drink a night guy at the bar and then would finish it up at home with a few more. Luckily, I moved across the country and had limited contact with him except via phone and that helped my situation.
Fast forward to my marriage and my AH was like that for the 15 years he was dry. He wasn't actively drinking but his behavior was exactly like you say: negative, sarcastic and rude, condescending, passive aggressive, mean, judgmental, etc. He wasn't like this 24/7, it was just when he was extremely stressed out or if a situation arose that triggered his anxiety or depression. Anyway, yes, I think this is common but I don't think it fits ALL alcoholics. I've met quite a few who were positive. Maybe they just didn't get to the 'downtrodden everybody hates me phase yet' but I like to think that even folks with positive outlooks can get caught in the alcoholic trap.
I like your metaphor: the tornado of misery. Yep, sounds about right.
Fast forward to my marriage and my AH was like that for the 15 years he was dry. He wasn't actively drinking but his behavior was exactly like you say: negative, sarcastic and rude, condescending, passive aggressive, mean, judgmental, etc. He wasn't like this 24/7, it was just when he was extremely stressed out or if a situation arose that triggered his anxiety or depression. Anyway, yes, I think this is common but I don't think it fits ALL alcoholics. I've met quite a few who were positive. Maybe they just didn't get to the 'downtrodden everybody hates me phase yet' but I like to think that even folks with positive outlooks can get caught in the alcoholic trap.
I like your metaphor: the tornado of misery. Yep, sounds about right.
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Long term heavy alcohol abuse has a very toxic effect on the brain and cognitive abilities. Their reasoning and normal processing of events are impaired. I saw a huge change in my XABF when he reached the last stage of alcoholism. He was no where close to the person he was at one time.
Some times angry, critical and mean and sometimes weepy and emotional. It turned him into someone I didn't even recognize.
Some times angry, critical and mean and sometimes weepy and emotional. It turned him into someone I didn't even recognize.
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy 
I have yet to meet an A (those who are still active in their addiction and of course, convinced that the world is against them and they are "misunderstood") who didn't fit your description.
i met only a handfull who are actually HUMBLED....and take full responsiblities for their own Attitude, Language, and Behaviours
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