itsmylifenow

Good morning and Happy Easter to all who celebrate!

I've been having some unsettling emotions since the XAB and I ended everything a few days ago.

Suddenly, I feel bad for the things I said to him. I feel bad for saying he was abusive, that our first Christmas together was the worst in my life, that I couldn't accept what he did for a living, I couldn't be proud of who he was and if I didn't bring him around my friends it was because I never knew what he was going to say or do....there's more but you get the idea.

I read something yesterday about how people who are in pain usually inflict it on others to mask their own pain, or to lash out.

I feel bad that part of who he was had to do with being in pain. The loving, compassionate side of me saw that...understood it...and loved him because I saw it.

Yet, he was controlling, manipulative, angry...a real jerk...he was mentally abusive to me...yet, why am I the one feeling bad for saying this to him???? I don't like to hurt other people. I don't like them to feel bad, I want to make them feel good. And, I am upset with myself because I felt like he really did try to love me and make me happy in whatever way he could.

Why is it all about him??? Why do I care if I made HIM feel bad??? Really?

Luweez

Did I write the post above? No it mustn't have been me because I'm not strong enough yet to get out and stay out. For some reason I keep hoping for that miracle as I waste my time and guilt over what I haven't done

Pelican

I had those same emotions. With time, I was able to look back on my relationship with my alcoholic as - I was at my best (loving, supportive) and I was at my worst (malicious anger) in that relationship.

I wanted to hurt him as I felt hurt, and the only way I knew how was to lash out with my words.

I lost my serenity. or maybe I gave away my serenity.
To restore myself, I needed to find a way back to being loving and loveable.

For me that started with forgiveness.
I needed to forgive my alcoholic for not being what I wanted him to be.
I needed to forgive myself for not being the Pelican I knew I could be.

One of the resources that helped me find my way back was a self-improvement book: "How to Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay. It was a recommendation from another SR member.

healher

Yeah, I'm in the throes of permanently ending a hurtful relationship. As I attempt to work the steps I get confused about where my part starts and ends with the problems. To take responsibility feels good but must admit its confusing re: what is actually (probably) his stuff and what is mine.
I don't feel like I want to "pick up" just that I crave things to be better with the present /ex bf. We've been doing this dance for 6 mo. It's all my fault,feel I'm doing all the work and changing/taking responsibility for my reactions .
I feel the negative patterns in my brain and body are imbedded, that my drug is really him. I'm grateful I'm sober enough to look at it a bit though. I struggle to trust that it wont always be this way. My sponsor is patient to help me by listening to my hurt as I attempt to get out of this. I'm slowly understanding the connection between my own drinking and using with the unhealthy relationships I've had in my life. It hurts a lot every day. I know I shouldnt be obsessing on him but I do. Desperate to rewire my heart and head! At least I'm sober. . . I guess.
This is my first post and I 'm learning my way with website but get frustrated trying to find the beginning of threads when I find them. Any advise from you wonderful people?

Ann

Welcome, healher. If you want to start a new thread to introduce yourself, just go to the forum main page and click on New Thread, that should start you off well and others can join me in welcoming you.

If you mean the beginning of other people's threads, just click on the thread title and it should take you to the beginning of that thread.

Welcome to SR, I am glad you joined us.