Leemzer

Hi all,
I slept like a zombie last night. I am sure part of it is because I have been sick the last 3 days, but I also know that a large part of it is due to sleep deprivation while drinking. I am learning to be OK with this. I am also learning that whenever I say "Am I really an alcoholic?" the answer is YES. I am OK with that. I guess I have finally admitted that I am powerless over drinking when I drink...and I am not only OK with that, I am great with that. I feel like I am letting go of a years' long struggle with Am-I-or-Aren't-I and just moving on.

This has been a hard-fought 12 days. Not, for me, that it has been difficult to not drink, it has been pretty easy. It always is. But just like with cigarettes, or losing weight, or exercise, it takes a while to get days under your belt and for me to feel secure that I am really getting there.

Today is 15 YEARS since I had a cigarette. I was sooo very addicted to cigarettes from about 15 years old to 26. Yes, I would quit here and there, but I would always go back to them. I am not entirely sure what made April 7, 1997 THE day, but it was, and I have never looked back...

So what is going to make March 26, 2012 THE day that I quit drinking and never look back? I think the answer lies in the fact that this time I have to have a plan, and the plan MUST center around the fact that 6 months from now I CANNOT convince myself that I can moderate my drinking.

This is going to be tough to do, mainly because I tend to get engrossed in either a pity party (What? I can NEVER have another drink? Say it ain't so!!) or I really beat myself up (Yeah, you made not drink NOW, but boy you were a drunk and I'm NEVER letting you forget it or move beyond it).

I think, for me, the secret lies in that day to day vow and commitment to stay dry and WORK toward recovery. I think the answer also lies in filling in all of this extra time and money with PRODUCTIVE uses of my time, like exercising to the level I did about 5 years ago and saving money instead of spending it. When I bought groceries last night I noticed extra money---it is obvious where it came from.....

I am extraordinarily thankful that I do not crave drinking, but I run the risk, as to many of us here, of repeating my failures over and over if I do not ever learn the fact that I cannot control my drinking. Ever. I can ALWAYS stop, but yet I ALWAYS start again. A friend of mine who goes to AA told me the ever-popular acronym for DENIAL: Didn't Even kNow I wAs Lying.

I am an expert at lying to myself. The one person you should be ultimately honest with, yourself, and I have cheated myself more than anyone else on this Earth. I am very respectful to others, yet always give myself the short end of the stick.

This time I will NEVER forget these hard-fought past two weeks, and I look forward to sharing my experiences on this board. I think I have much to offer others in the way of insights, I just need to rewire myself and my thinking. The greatest service I can do right now is to be of service to MYSELF. The airplane motto, "Save yourself, then you are in a position to save others". I always thought that was selfish, but look where that got me? Everyone else was number 1 in my life and I was WAY down the list......Oh well, dusting self off, pulling up by the old bootstraps, and walking on.

I allow, at this point, myself to be free from this self-imposed bondage. I allow myself to be free. I wish I could have made this decision earlier than a week before my 41st birthday, but better late than never. Definitely.

Happy Saturday, everyone!
---Leemzer

forabetterlife

Thank you for you post Leemzer. Today is 8 days for me, and, like you, I am enjoying sleep more than ever. And waking up feeling refreshed and without guilt is better than any drink. I am the same age as you, and often get so mad that I didn't catch this sooner, but better now than never, that's for sure.
Congrats on 12 days and on putting yourself first.

stairs

Hi Leemzer, I identify with this completely. It took me a long time to flat out just admit it and BELIEVE it.
Have a great day Leemzer!

Leemzer

Thank you very much and congratulations on your 8 days. In the grand scheme of things we will look back and realize how closely we made this decision in time. And to be the same age is very interesting to me. Would be fascinating to know what got us both to this point....I think our generation is an interesting one...in some ways I feel like we had childhoods in the late 70s and early 80s that were some of the last of the "great childhoods" societally, yet our teenage years were some of the wildest I think generations had seen. At least where I am from in SE United States.

I am becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin and in being able to realize that there are certain things I just CANNOT do, and drinking is one of them. But instead of having a laser beam focus on that, I am going to keep that awareness at the forefront while replacing it with myriad things I can do that are actually healthy for me, like eating right, working out, reading voraciously, etc.

Congrats on your 8 days, stick to it, and us Generation X-ers will get there....we seem to be a hard generation to reach. So many of my friends are still mired in their mid-20s and stuck there. Not many of the people I know are stretching beyond and really trying to change...nobody wants to admit they are 41, not 21 anymore, but those Facebook pictures tell a different story...LOL

Have a great Saturday!

Leemzer

Totally. I have found there is a WAY big difference to admitting it and truly believing it in your core. Apples to oranges. Perhaps apples to asparagus!

Happy Saturday to you too! You are one person on here of many already who has supported me and helped a lot already in this fight for my life.

Make no bones about it folks, dramatic as it sounds, this IS a fight for our lives....to believe anything else it to believe a lie.

Forward progress! Thanks, Stairs!
Leemzer

debsam

I allow, at this point, myself to be free from this self-imposed bondage. I allow myself to be free. I wish I could have made this decision earlier than a week before my 41st birthday, but better late than never. Definitely.

Yep I hear ya. I made this decision exactly a week before my 42nd birthday.

Just celebrated my 43rd birthday last week....so I've had two sober birthdays in a row.

I like to look at it that way....now I have back to back celebrations within a week of each

sugarbear1

Congrats on 12 days, Leemzer! Beautifully said!!

Congrats on 8 days, forabetterlife! It only gets better!

Leemzer

Ha! So true! I didn't even realize that I spent my birthday sober, which has only happened maybe 3 times in the past 20 years....so yes, 2 celebrations in a week, I can handle that. 2 birthdays in a week? Why the heck not? Thx!

forabetterlife

Leemzer..I live in SE now but originally from NE. From my experience, starting as early as HS, we just drank, to have fun, to feel grown up. All through college and my early 20s, so much revolved around drinking. And while I think I drank more than most girls, it didn't really get to be a daily problem for me until after my second child 11 years ago, when my marriage, career and life started to change and unravel drastically (not due to my drinking, my drinking increased because of the scary changes in my life). I look back on those 11 years, as just such a struggle. Struggling to moderate my drinking, to take care of my responsibilities, my kids, my career, my relationships. Even though I was in my mid thirties, I feel like I was so immature. Most of my friends from my younger days have "grown up" (except for my ex-H of course, who still thinks he's 22 and at a bar every nite). I just finally realized that I want to be a better me- a better mom, daughter, friend, I just want to be at peace. And I really feel like I am, finally. A part of me misses the alcohol, some times more than others, but I need to just remind myself that it's just not all its' cracked up to be and stop romanticizing it. I would much rather feel these good feelings and focus on life, than struggling to get through each day with a hangover and guilt.
It IS a great Saturday!