New person here looking for advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 5
New person here looking for advice
Hello. I saw this site last night and after reading a lot of posts, I thoght maybe I can get a bit of advice.
I have not had a drink in over 5 years now. I have the occasional urges, but I'm really not too worried of relapsing at this point. What I am struggling with is the guilt and the remorse I have. I drank my kids' entire childhood and put my wife through hell. Most of my day is spent alone because I work nights, and even at work I work alone, so I have a lot of time to dwell on the many things I did while using. I hoped time would heal, but I believe it got harder. I just wondered how other people deal with it.
I have not had a drink in over 5 years now. I have the occasional urges, but I'm really not too worried of relapsing at this point. What I am struggling with is the guilt and the remorse I have. I drank my kids' entire childhood and put my wife through hell. Most of my day is spent alone because I work nights, and even at work I work alone, so I have a lot of time to dwell on the many things I did while using. I hoped time would heal, but I believe it got harder. I just wondered how other people deal with it.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Hi South,
Congratulations on 5 years sober. That's great!
I think time heals our wounds partially, but we also have to do some work on the issues, too.
I struggled a LOT with guilt and shame and just couldn't shake it either. Someone here advised me to start journalling. I resisted for a long time because I didn't want to start writing out my feelings. But, like you I was stalled in my recovery so I began writing every time I felt guilty and ashamed. It took many months of writing to get it all out, but each time I wrote something on paper, it helped.
Forgiving yourself is essential for recovery. That doesn't mean saying what you did didn't matter. It means accepting that you are human and you made mistakes. Now you are no longer doing those things.
Congratulations on 5 years sober. That's great!
I think time heals our wounds partially, but we also have to do some work on the issues, too.
I struggled a LOT with guilt and shame and just couldn't shake it either. Someone here advised me to start journalling. I resisted for a long time because I didn't want to start writing out my feelings. But, like you I was stalled in my recovery so I began writing every time I felt guilty and ashamed. It took many months of writing to get it all out, but each time I wrote something on paper, it helped.
Forgiving yourself is essential for recovery. That doesn't mean saying what you did didn't matter. It means accepting that you are human and you made mistakes. Now you are no longer doing those things.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Awesome! Congrats on 5 years!!!!!
As for guilt and remorse, well, I use the steps of AA. You've made it to 5 years without a program, that says a lot. I couldn't get to day 16 without working a program. The steps helped me see my patterns of behavior. As for the guilt and remorse, that is reducing as I continue to live life sober. I also read Ernest Kurtz book Shame & Guilt after working the steps into my life. I can't say this will help you, it's what has helped me. Have you considered counseling?
As for guilt and remorse, well, I use the steps of AA. You've made it to 5 years without a program, that says a lot. I couldn't get to day 16 without working a program. The steps helped me see my patterns of behavior. As for the guilt and remorse, that is reducing as I continue to live life sober. I also read Ernest Kurtz book Shame & Guilt after working the steps into my life. I can't say this will help you, it's what has helped me. Have you considered counseling?
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
Here is book Shame and Guilt book by Kurtz online
Ernest Kurtz, Shame & Guilt
I would also strongly recommend going back to meetings .... and participating.
Wishing you well
Ernest Kurtz, Shame & Guilt
I would also strongly recommend going back to meetings .... and participating.
Wishing you well
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by South 
Hello. I saw this site last night and after reading a lot of posts, I thoght maybe I can get a bit of advice.
I have not had a drink in over 5 years now. I have the occasional urges, but I'm really not too worried of relapsing at this point. What I am struggling with is the guilt and the remorse I have. I drank my kids' entire childhood and put my wife through hell. Most of my day is spent alone because I work nights, and even at work I work alone, so I have a lot of time to dwell on the many things I did while using. I hoped time would heal, but I believe it got harder. I just wondered how other people deal with it.
I have not had a drink in over 5 years now. I have the occasional urges, but I'm really not too worried of relapsing at this point. What I am struggling with is the guilt and the remorse I have. I drank my kids' entire childhood and put my wife through hell. Most of my day is spent alone because I work nights, and even at work I work alone, so I have a lot of time to dwell on the many things I did while using. I hoped time would heal, but I believe it got harder. I just wondered how other people deal with it.
Quitting drinking is only the first half of Step One (IMHO)
The rest of the Steps take care of the rest of your problems.
All the best.
Bob R
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Hi South. I'm like you - very sensitive about the things I did to cause pain & grief. It almost caused me to fall back on drinking again, just to numb myself. We could spend the rest of our lives looking over our shoulder at what we left behind - but that would ruin the great life we have right in front of us. Guilt & remorse are useless emotions - those sad old days are gone forever. If you keep dwelling on what happened before you quit, it's like putting yourself through it twice. You have to let go of it & enjoy the blessing of a sober life. I think meetings are worth a try - it could be just what you need.
Meanwhile, reading & posting here might continue to be helpful. You're never alone.
Meanwhile, reading & posting here might continue to be helpful. You're never alone.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by South
Went to a meeting this morning. It was a very small group so I did some talking. I believe you were right and this is exactly what I needed. Going back tomorrow.
Good work, South.
Bob R
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Glad you found us, South.
Just a thought: I understand that AA puts a premium on being of service to others, and while I'm not in AA, I do see a huge benefit in volunteer work and that sort of thing. It's weird, but helping others somehow helps me, you know? Might be the perfect antidote to regret over the past. And with five years of sobriety, I bet you have a lot of good advice to offer newcomers here at SR...
Anyway, glad you found us.
Just a thought: I understand that AA puts a premium on being of service to others, and while I'm not in AA, I do see a huge benefit in volunteer work and that sort of thing. It's weird, but helping others somehow helps me, you know? Might be the perfect antidote to regret over the past. And with five years of sobriety, I bet you have a lot of good advice to offer newcomers here at SR...
Anyway, glad you found us.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by South
Went to a meeting this morning. It was a very small group so I did some talking. I believe you were right and this is exactly what I needed. Going back tomorrow.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
I have come to learn that I am a very boring, normal, average person, with corresponding problems. While this realization is not very flattering, it does mean that many other people have wrestled with the same issues as I have. Some of them have written about their journeys, and some of those people are very very good at it.
Since you are getting beaten up by some mindgames, it's time to bring on the heavy artillery. Google. Here is an example of something I found a while ago. Mindful healing of Shame and Guilt.
I hope you don't think that I am trivializing your post, South, far from it. There is nothing trivial about the self examination and forgiveness work ahead for you. But there is help and guidance if you look for it.
Since you are getting beaten up by some mindgames, it's time to bring on the heavy artillery. Google. Here is an example of something I found a while ago. Mindful healing of Shame and Guilt.
I hope you don't think that I am trivializing your post, South, far from it. There is nothing trivial about the self examination and forgiveness work ahead for you. But there is help and guidance if you look for it.
I'm here to learn!
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: I'm on it!
Posts: 2,038
Meetings have helped me, as well as working through some stuff with my therapist.
If you want to, you certainly can work the steps too. There are a lot of people that have several years of sobriety under their belt that end up doing the steps eventually because they feel like they want to get further along in their recovery than they have gotten on their own.
Best wishes,
If you want to, you certainly can work the steps too. There are a lot of people that have several years of sobriety under their belt that end up doing the steps eventually because they feel like they want to get further along in their recovery than they have gotten on their own.
Best wishes,
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
