No Contact making me terrified
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Yellow Springs, OH
Posts: 109
No Contact making me terrified
I am in the first couple days of NC and holding fast, but I've noticed that I've started having these immense waves of fear when I realize that I have absolutely no idea where AH is or what he might be doing. I find myself in a literal panic at the idea that he might suddenly appear, even though the odds are slim and there is a RO against him as part of the separation.
This is very out of character for me, and I don't like it! But I know it is part of the journey of detoxing from this relationship and I want to get through it.
Any E, S and H on how to ride out these waves of terror and not let them shake my resolve or take the joy out of life? I use the serenity prayer and the 23rd Psalm, but they aren't always enough.
Thanks in advance...
This is very out of character for me, and I don't like it! But I know it is part of the journey of detoxing from this relationship and I want to get through it.
Any E, S and H on how to ride out these waves of terror and not let them shake my resolve or take the joy out of life? I use the serenity prayer and the 23rd Psalm, but they aren't always enough.
Thanks in advance...
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Oh Mary-
This is such a hard feeling, and one I relate to so well. I lived with it in waves for months after separating from my loved one with drinking concerns.
Do you have the Language of Letting Go? Yesterdays was helpful for this to me, but I don't have it with me to write parts of it out.
It was this experience too that taught me that my worry and fear was only that worry and fear and it never "helped" my loved one, even when I was feeling them.
More will be along soon with some more concrete things to do, and I will write part of what I read yesterday when I get the book in front of me.
Take care of you.
This is such a hard feeling, and one I relate to so well. I lived with it in waves for months after separating from my loved one with drinking concerns.
Do you have the Language of Letting Go? Yesterdays was helpful for this to me, but I don't have it with me to write parts of it out.
It was this experience too that taught me that my worry and fear was only that worry and fear and it never "helped" my loved one, even when I was feeling them.
More will be along soon with some more concrete things to do, and I will write part of what I read yesterday when I get the book in front of me.
Take care of you.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
LifeRecovery has a great suggestion on the Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beattie. I also like the daily readings from Courage to Change, ODAT in Al-Anon II. Meredith posts readings from version I here, I believe.
Take it one day at a time. These are your emotions, you can feel them and not act on them. And who wouldn't have some fear in your situation? It's normal.
Bug hugs and prayers to you today.
~T
Take it one day at a time. These are your emotions, you can feel them and not act on them. And who wouldn't have some fear in your situation? It's normal.
Bug hugs and prayers to you today.
~T
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Free-floating anxiety is so common after trauma and it just comes out of the blue, we have no choice, it just comes.
If you have severe tachycardia at any point do please go to the hospital for a check. It will likely be anxiety but it's always a good idea to be safe with the heart.
It's such a metaphor, isn't it, for life with the addict. The waves. Even after he's out of the house, we're still holding onto the life raft and still feel lost at sea.
But you are not alone. Many of us were once in little rafts like yours and we are now working the lighthouse. We'll help you make land.
Do whatever you have to do to make you feel safe. At home: how can it feel safer for you? At work. In the car. Are there concrete changes you can make to feel more secure?
If you have severe tachycardia at any point do please go to the hospital for a check. It will likely be anxiety but it's always a good idea to be safe with the heart.
It's such a metaphor, isn't it, for life with the addict. The waves. Even after he's out of the house, we're still holding onto the life raft and still feel lost at sea.
But you are not alone. Many of us were once in little rafts like yours and we are now working the lighthouse. We'll help you make land.
Do whatever you have to do to make you feel safe. At home: how can it feel safer for you? At work. In the car. Are there concrete changes you can make to feel more secure?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Yellow Springs, OH
Posts: 109
I did take the phone, my wallet and the keys to bed with me, locked the house and car doors and agreed to text a good friend at 7 am and 7 pm to let her know I was okay...and all those helped some. Just hanging on and trying to do what I know is right, no matter how I feel. harder than it looks!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
You didn't mention a home security system. Maybe it is too costly for now? Or does it feel too extreme?
My neighbors around the corner were robbed while they were away on Thanksgiving by the teenage heroin addict and his helpers who live across the street. I live in a very good neighborhood but junkies are everywhere. And they need money.
The police are still working the case. No hard evidence but we all know it was the junky.
My neighbors installed a security system after the robbery. And the wife put up more curtains because she now feels vulnerable if anyone can see inside when she's home alone. She closes the curtains. It is psychological and it helps. She won't always need to close her curtains.
I didn't want a security system....nor did my other neighbors. But we do have a heroin addict within walking distance.
So, one of us found an advertisement for a certain security system and the ad had a picture of the company logo. We made color copies of that logo( blew them up 200% on the copier) and taped them on our windows and doors. It looks like our houses have security systems now!
It's really good about the morning and evening contact with your friend.
I have, in the past, also put a deadbolt on my bedroom door. This was when I lived on an island and a lot of burglaries were going on.
So sorry, Mary, you have to take precautions. But if someone is under the influence and with a history of erratic aggression, we know not to wishfully think he will be nice or trustworthy. Remember the heroine in "The Terminator"? That's who we have to be. Realistic and tough. No room for sentiment. If he's loaded, it's a war.
My neighbors around the corner were robbed while they were away on Thanksgiving by the teenage heroin addict and his helpers who live across the street. I live in a very good neighborhood but junkies are everywhere. And they need money.
The police are still working the case. No hard evidence but we all know it was the junky.
My neighbors installed a security system after the robbery. And the wife put up more curtains because she now feels vulnerable if anyone can see inside when she's home alone. She closes the curtains. It is psychological and it helps. She won't always need to close her curtains.
I didn't want a security system....nor did my other neighbors. But we do have a heroin addict within walking distance.
So, one of us found an advertisement for a certain security system and the ad had a picture of the company logo. We made color copies of that logo( blew them up 200% on the copier) and taped them on our windows and doors. It looks like our houses have security systems now!
It's really good about the morning and evening contact with your friend.
I have, in the past, also put a deadbolt on my bedroom door. This was when I lived on an island and a lot of burglaries were going on.
So sorry, Mary, you have to take precautions. But if someone is under the influence and with a history of erratic aggression, we know not to wishfully think he will be nice or trustworthy. Remember the heroine in "The Terminator"? That's who we have to be. Realistic and tough. No room for sentiment. If he's loaded, it's a war.
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