itsanewday2011

So, long story short I have been divorced for about 8 months. Ex husband's drug of choice was cocaine. I see him 2x/week during supervised visits of our 3 year old.

Long story short, I have recently found out that during the time of our marriage, he was using every couple of months! I thought he had a few "blips" during our marriage (every year or two) but come to find out it was much more often. Ex had been diagnosed with bipolar but now is saying he may have been misdiagnosed, and all the times he claimed to be "manic" he had really been using!

I feel like such an idiot and feel like my marriage was all a facade. Is it possible to be clueless for 7 years in a marriage? My gut often told me something was up, but not to the point of where he was using that frequently. I feel like I am having to go through the whole divorce all over again.

I think I need to re-group with a therapist.

Anyone have this experience before where you felt like you had lived a lie?????

Erynn

Morning! I can definitely relate to what you're experiencing. I was with my XABF for almost 5 years, and when we broke up sh*t hit the fan, and I felt like an anvil of lies was dropped on me. Not only did I find out he was now shooting up Coke as his DOC (His primary DOC is Heroin/Downers), but cheating on me our entire relationship. It was like I had been in a relationship with a complete stranger. Which one was he? Which part was the facade? It definitely hurts, because you do feel like you were living a lie, and it's hard to tell what was real, and what was the addiction. However, after coming out of it, and finally cutting him off for good, I realized this is what they do. They lie, they are chameleons, they change and do what they need to do to feed their 'hunger'. It's selfish, actually beyond selfish. It's cruel. But that's what they do. Use that information to keep moving forward, and remind yourself that you don't want to live a life filled with lies, and omissions. I found out so much months after our break up, some things sickened me. But if I didn't know them, I may have given him a second chance when he tried to come crawling back. Instead I was able to see the red flags from miles away, and I ran away from him as fast as I could.

Keep moving forward

Ann

Living with addiction is traumatizing, whether we feel the trauma at the time or later...it is not unusual for people like us to have post traumatic stress, I know I did.

Therapy helped me, as well as my meetings and SR. But therapy had a special way of helping me sort out why I felt the way I did and it helped me safely release emotions that I had stuffed for years and years.

Don't be too hard on yourself, addiction is baffling even to the addicted person. Move forward and heal, the lessons will one day become clear and be valuable to you the rest of your life.

Hugs

itsanewday2011

Thanks to both of you for your posts.

Ann- love the Winnie the Pooh quote - it was perfect to read this morning.

Kindeyes

The deceit and lies are how we are held hostage in the relationship. Couple that with our own denial (ignoring those gut feelings) and that is why we stay. I think it's pretty common for the full impact to hit later when we're thinking more clearly and are not being subjected to the deceit.

Take special care of you. Addiction is traumatizing and it can continue to cause suffering long after the addict is out of our lives until/unless we make ourselves a priority.

gentle hugs
ke

Loneywife

Sigh.

I hate to be such a Debbie downer, but I think there's a lot of things that go on in our marriage to an addict that you will never really know.

outtolunch

I chose my screen name because I once had no clue my daughter was using any drug, let alone was addicted to heroin.

I did not know what I did not know and while the flags were waving, I did not put 2+2 together.

itsanewday2011

Hi everyone - thanks for the comments.

Interestingly enough, ex managed bipolar w/ medication. Everytime he used he indicated it was "mania" - even his bipolar providers gave him the "excuse" for use. Even our joint visits w/ them throughout our marriage gave him continued "outs". What a circle of chaos.

I have never used nor been around people that used. I did find the powder laying around a couple times. Sometimes I found "pocket pals" - magazine pages folded up and at the bottom at the toilet (he had tried to flush) but he made up these amazing excuses. Man, I feel so stupid.

Today I went to see my counselor and she said that there was probably good that kept me in love and in the marriage. The problem is the drugs were a deal breaker and I feel so embarrassed that I was with him so long with that going on under my nose (no pun intended).

Thanks everyone for the affirmation I did the right thing.