lhenderson

I am really down, I have been going through a lot lately. It started with 2 deaths in one week. I am also dealing with my mother who is in a nursing home and she does not even know who I am. She has severe Alzheimer's. I am sad I wish I had my mother to talk to and she does not even understand what I am saying to her. With everything that has taken place in my life here recently I just want to numb myself. I dont even want to feel anymore. And me being a recovering addict my mind tells me what I need to do so I dont have to feel. I have 10 months clean. And I wonder how long my mind will keep going there. The good thing is I am able to recognize these thoughts when they come. I also know that I am going to have good days and bad days its called dealing with life on life's terms. But it sucks. I also know the solution is not to use today for me. The problem with me is I expect instant gratification and I want everything fixed right now. And that's part of my disease. I also know that I need to process these feelings and talk about them. Which is hard because that's not my first instinct. My first one is to try to deal with them on my own. And I guess you can say it is a form of me taking back my will. I do not like to ask for help even though I am getting better at it.I never knew that going through something like this would have a huge affect until it happened to me.It is such a miserable feeling knowing that my addiction is kicking up again and putting crazy thoughts in my head. I also am aware that I need to do it one day at a time and sometimes even that seems like an eternity. But if I can conquer that it is one more day into the most wonderful thing and that is Sobriety

Dee74

I think you're self aware lh and that's a great gift.
The thoughts can come in times of trouble - it's what we do in response that couints

I always found it hard to reach out too, but I hope you will - everyone needs support from time to time and it sounds like you could use someone one to talk to right now, no only here in the SR community but real life too?

D

Fallow

Hi. Reaching out is extremely hard for me as well. I have always felt alone and forced to be self sufficient. I really want to learn how to ask for help better. You and I had the same sobriety date for awhile last year but I made the wrong choices and didnt listen to the advice I was given. Im sober again now it didnt get any easier. Sorry to hear you are going through tuff times just know Im inspired that you stayed sober since June and I know you can get through this rough time also.

sugarbear1

Prayers, hugs and love sent to you!

Anna

You are doing really well to get through all this.

Sapling

I think that you are truly blessed that you see this as you see it....That was beautifully written Ihenderson. Never let go of those 10 months.

2granddaughters

Are you going to meetings? I find so much understanding and forgiveness at the meetings.
Prayers to you and your family.

Bob R