fuddle

After just recently realising that my mum has a problem with drink (even though I know she has drank heavily for at least 10 years as a sleeping aid, coping aid for loneliness etc) I have only just awoken as to how serious my mum's problem is.

I dare confront her about her hiding a bottle of vodka in my sisters cupboard when we were all visiting my sisters house a short while ago. She scoffed at the idea she was an alcoholic because she could get to work, catch a buts, remember birthdays etc. I said she could be a 'functioning alcoholic' to which she mocked me a great deal as I'm studying a psychology degree and she uses my somewhat novice knowledge to beat me with when I suggest something she doesn't like to hear. It's ok, I'm used to it. It does hurt, makes me cry and effects my confidence but deep down I know she doesn't mean it, she's just deflecting from her own feelings of unease.

Anyway. She has had the 'pulled muscle' in her right side for 6 months. I personally think it is liver pain. I'm greatly concerned about her anyway but what happened yesterday has me really worried.

I went to meet her of the bus to bring her to my home. The bus arrived and she wasn't on it. I called her because she text to say earlier that she was on the bus. She was lost. She got off the bus in a random place even though she knows where she gets off at. We found her, brought her to the store because she wanted to buy my children an easter egg. She got so confused over which egg/which child/how much/colour of box that I thought she was displaying signs of dementia. It wasn't until she got a little confused over the time not 10 minutes later that I suspected she was drunk. I never know with mum because her breath always has a sweet/musty foul smell. She then forgot that she was going on holiday today (this was yesterday) and planned a trip into town. This is a big deal, an aeroplane trip that she's been looking forward to for ages, something that she just wouldn't forget about.

So greatly concerned about my mum's mental state. I don't know whether she's drunk or liver failure or needing some different medical attention for her memory.

I see my mum once every 3-4 weeks and it kills me because I see a deline or different symptom every time.

I also got a shock at seeing her face yesterday. She has hay fever (or something that makes her eye stream) and it made her eye weep, maing her heavily made up face run. I saw a pale face, grey even and thin red veins all over the surface. Her lips looked swollen too.

My mum is killing herself I am so sure of it. She doesn't at all think there's a problem. I wish I could give her a wake up call and I have tried, boy have I tried but I am now at an acceptance level. What will be will be and although it's hurting I am determined not to let the guilt over take me. The guilt that I have to just sit back and watch this happening. I'm scared she hasn't got much time left. She's very skinny in arms and legs and bum but has a very large tummy and heavy double chin. I'm scared that soon I will loose my mum. I'm scared that by sitting back and not doing anything about it that it will haunt me when she does go. I dread our days together because it hurts so much. I prefer not to have any contact but that's me being selfish. My mum needs myself and her grand daughters in her life.

I have accepted that this is her decision and these are her choices but that's coming at a cost because the guilt is there just ready to eat me up.

Well, if nothing else I have use soberrecovery to let all of this out of my head, hopefully helping me a little bit. I have sourced an al-anon group in the town but I am so scared about going on my own and my sister doesn't want to go. I am not going to let it effect my life or my own mentality, health and family life with my children and husband. One day I see myself going to that group but not yet.

wellnowwhat

So sorry to hear your situation. It does take a lot out of you having someone close ruin their health with alcohol.

Please do consider going to Alanon, even without your sister. The welcome you receive will be very warm. You don't have to say anything or do anything at the meeting, if you don't want to, but to be with people that know how you feel helps so much. At my first meeting I marveled that they weren't all sad and weepy, because that was how I felt. I noticed that although they had experienced something similar to me, they were cheerful and positive. I just knew I wanted what they had and I kept going back. I was lucky, the first group I went to was the best fit for me, but sometimes it takes a few tries to find the group for you.

fuddle

That's how I feel I will be, all teary all the time. I'm a shy person anyway and going to new places especially with the element of 'the unknown' takes it out of me but I am sociable when I'm comfortable.

I talk to my mother-in-law about how I feel and she listens really well but I can't help feeling mortified at how, if my mum found out, she would feel about sharing all the negative stuff to people about a lady who is very respectable and a bit 'all top show'. She would never accept there is a problem.... we're not supposed to do that in our family. My sister went to a councillor a couple of years ago to help her with her anxiety and my mum called her a drama queen. We're supposed to hold our heads high at all times and never show weakness. I have problems with losing my father at 10 years old. I know I do which is why I'm trying to help myself through educating myself in psychology... al quiet and non confrontational to my mum who can then go on to brag about my intelligence as opposed to dealing with the real issues.

I think I am very bitter about my childhood with my mum and try my best not to look back. I am very good at dealing with the here and now and try to keep myself happy and i'm determined to grab happiness in my life that is why I have to not let her actions (sorry to be so blunt about the addiction illness, it's how I cope with what mum is doing... i.e. I have no control over here choices) I do worry about the future and how it will effect me. There's me, my sister and my mum. That's it. If anything happens I'm next of kin and I'm the one called to deal with whatever awaits. It petrifies me.

I do need help and I will get it, I won't allow it to ruin my outlook on my life. I know unhappiness is around the corner, I'm dealing with the effects of it daily but I want my time on this earth to be a fulfilling as possible because that is what my dad said to me before cancer took him away. I will deal with this and I will not let it effect me. I write in a diary but all that seems to come out is anger towards my mum which surprises me as I feel sorry for her, not angry at her. I guess I have a lot of things to deal with anyway. Leaving things alone and moving on maybe isn't the correct course to go down. Maybe I have to deal with things. Maybe I should see a councillor like my sister did, on the quiet though.

As you can see I'm all a bit mixed up but I'm a ware of it all and will sort it. I feel realy bad that I only come here when I need to get things out of my head and that I don't offer support. The thing is I don't feel I know how to support just yet. So sorry for being all take and no giving.

tabatha

It does sound like she is showing signs of liver problems from the alcohol. Many don't want to face the possibility and stay in denial even when they get very sick. I'm sorry you're dealing with this with your mom. My XABF showed many signs similar to your mother and still could not stop drinking. He would get scared when he got very ill and would go into detox but never faced the fact that he was dying from this disease. His mental state was so deteriorated that he wasn't able to think rationally so there were many times I helped him when he was ill. It's truly heartbreaking to watch this happen. It's a hard thing to accept, but at some point we have no choice.

wellnowwhat

I come from a family where it was considered proper to keep everything private and I suffer from shyness as well. I once read an article about the thought process of introverts and it fits me to a T and helped explain why small talk is so difficult. I can be comfortable when I get acquainted with people, but the unknown is terrifying.

Having said that, Alanon isn't really about your mom. It's about you and your reactions to her. When I explained that to my AH he was relieved. He thought I was there to share drunken horror stories.

I don't keep it a secret that I attend Alanon, but friends and family members seem to think it odd, rather than it might be helpful. I guess everyone fears what they don't know. I get the feeling that some think it's a cult and I'll eventually try to enlist them?!

It's funny, I can share things in Alanon that I wouldn't share with my closest friends or family members. I have come to know that Alanon members understand and others look at it with confusion, or worse, give bad advice.

And there is no need to be apologetic for not wanting to take on your mom's problems and for feeling guilt, anger or resentment. You are entitled to live a happy, healthy life! You can't change her, but you can change.