cb12

I had dinner with my alcoholic dad, his wife, and my aunt (dad's sister) last night. In the car, my dad's wife blurted out that my dad had been sober for two months. The car was silent. I had nothing to say. My dad's wife and her daughters have all tried to convince me at one point or another that he's sober. He's been secretly drinking for 40 years- why would I believe some dumb women who have known him for 3 years? I'm sorry, but I think that would be naïve on my part.

I spoke to my mom about it when I got home. She told me a couple of things:
1. When my paternal gma went into the hospital for alcoholism, my dad felt like a hipocrite b/c he knew he should be in there with her.
2. He has said he doesn't want to quit because he doesn't want to fail at recovery... Become a relapsed alcoholic.
3. He has been able to white-knuckle it for a month or two in the past, so it could be true that he has been sober for two months.

I guess I'm confused. 40 years of my dad's life says he's not committed to being sober. He's even said that he's scared of quitting because he doesn't want to fail. I want to support him if he truly is committed to being sober. At the same time, I have finally been able to get myself out of his toxic life enough, to where I can love him from a distance and be ok.

Teasing out the truth seems impossible. It's a huge web of lies and I don't trust him one bit. I've resigned myself to the idea that he will never be sober. How will I ever know that he really is committed to sobriety? I don't trust him.

dollydo

Alcoholics lie, codependents really want to play "Lets Pretend" cause we are as sick as the addict.

You are aware, your gut is telling you the real truth...I'd go with it..live your life on your own terms, there is nothing that you can do for any of them.

Kialua

You will know when its been true for a long time. You don't have to know before then let him do what he wants and you take care of yourself as much as you can. Only time will tell. Bless you.

kiki5711

I guess at this point it "wait and see". Good to hear that you have piece of mind living away from the situation. If your dad is trying hard to be sober, than it's a great thing for him, he don't need a pat on the back.

Actually, sometimes I feel when a recovering person gets to much "oh, I'm glad you did it etc..." it puts more pressure on them. Maybe it's better to show recognition in a kind of suttle way.

cb12

I have a feeling that it all boils back down to trust. He has never been trustworthy and he's demonstrated this to me many times in many ways.

You're right, Dollydo, I like to play pretend. I think I have come a long ways in getting my rational brain to kick in quicker, but I still have that fantasy moment where I believe my dad will be sober in my life time.

keepfinding2

Give him some credit. Maybe he has done it.

Willybluedog

It's ok to have doubts, and time will tell.

Take care of you and let your dad take care of himself.

My wife always tells me "it is what it is" and I rage against the simplicity of it, every time she says it I get aggravated, how can it boil down to 5 words, but the longer I go the more sense it makes to me.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

tromboneliness

It may not be that important to know whether he's drinking or not -- if you're being a good Al-Anon, you're probably going to behave pretty much the same either way. If he's lying/drinking as usual, OK, fine, so be it. If he's sober this time, OK, fine, good.

We're not the ones who make our alcoholics get sober (or, by the same token, "drive them to drink") -- they do it themselves. I'd say the less you react, the better. Don't invest a whole lot in Dad's sobriety, because obviously, it's pretty tenuous at best -- but if he's really doing it this time, that's great.

And maybe Lucy will hold the football and let Charlie Brown kick it, too....

T

cb12

Good point, tromboneliness, his sobriety shouldn't change my behavior either way. His sobriety is great for him and I will be proud, but it shouldn't change anything in my life. He caused some massive damage with his drinking and sobriety doesn't change that.

Yes, keepfinding2, thanks for that reminder. His abstinence from alcohol to this point is a good start and just maybe it will provide him the clear head to start on the path to sobriety.

Willybluedog, I think I will always have my doubts. It's hard not to.

Thanks all.