Need Support/Advice (Again)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 8
Need Support/Advice (Again)
Here's where I was last month in my post (in the wrong forum):
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I met a wonderful woman 5 months ago. We had an immediate connection, fell in love, and we are now engaged. When we first met, we both drank a lot - something I chalked up to the relationship being exciting and new. She began to turn into an abusive verbal monster when she drank. I then discovered she was drinking during the day when I was at work - I came home one day and she was so out of it I had to take her to detox. The truth came out she was a relapsed alcoholic. I told her I would stand by her through her recovery, she stopped drinking (or so she led me to believe) and she got into an outpatient program. She missed the second and third meetings and was thrown out last week. She promised me she would never drink again and would start attending meetings and find another program.
Before that could happen, my Dad died suddenly in NY. I am here with her now - and came home from donating some of my Dad's property - to find her drinking again. My Mom knows something is wrong, my brother is a major support to me....but I truly am lost as to what to do. She has struggled with addiction for years - after today, everything has come into focus for me as to the extent of the problem. I am lost - I have read a lot of articles on addiction and it would appear this relationship is doomed. 5 months - I love the sober woman - but don't know whether to cut my losses now. She does not work (I wanted her to concentrate on her outpatient program), I have been supporting her, and asking her to leave seems like I am throwing her to the wolves. The relationship has been a struggle due to her drinking, some of the stories she has told me about her past both scare me and sicken me and I don't know if I can continue on this path with her and stay mentally healthy myself. She has already lived in at least two sober houses that I know of, has bounced from relationship to relationship, and has had court ordered treatment due to a DUI a year ago. It seems like I am answering my own question.
This is probably a classic story, but I need some support and advice. I can’t even imagine asking her to leave – where would I expect her to go? I am trying to handle the loss of my Dad and what I see as the loss of the sober woman I love at the same time.
TODAY
Well, I got some great advice from that post, none of which I took. I'm sure it is a classic - I thought she'd change, we love each other, etc..
She rear ended someone last week - sober but on the way to the liquor store.
She had no insurance (she lied to me when I asked her if she did a couple of months ago) and, get this, was arrested on a warrant for pawning the property of others from a couple of years ago. Of course she had a story about that and how it was all a mistake....court on the two charges is next week. The stress and work it has caused me has been off the charts - another classic I am sure, but I started trying to save the day...attorneys, insurance, etc.etc.
Stay with me, it gets worse - she has been sleeping almost 24 hours a day for the last two days - today I get up to take my meds and see that my anti anxiety meds were half gone! She stole and took half the bottle over the course of 2 to 3 days!!!! She kept saying it was the antibiotics she was on even though I kept telling her those weren't side effects of antibiotics. It got so bad I was worried and wanted to take her to the hospital. In retrospect, my meds should have been the first thing I suspected....
One of those two days was my birthday. She ate the box of candy she got me. If this wasn't so tragic it would be funny.
The only way I found out the truth (she kept swearing she didn't do it) was that I found one of the pills next to the bed, than one in the bed, etc..
She admitted it...I'll never do it again...blah blah
I told her she had to move out and it was over - told her to take 30 days and I would give her money to get herself going with rent. She was crying, distraught, and begged me for another chance. I told her I was not going to watch her slowly kill herself, nor was I going to die early due to the stress she was causing me. I left for work.
I read " wondering when the pain stops" . Helpful but I still am so upset, hurt, angry, and - get this - doubting I am doing the right thing!!!
I'm also freaking out she will OD on her Trazodone and wondering if I need to go home early to check on her. All my meds are now being kept elsewhere - pretty messed up I have to do that to begin with. Opinions - do I check on her?
Where do I get the strength to get her out of my life?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I met a wonderful woman 5 months ago. We had an immediate connection, fell in love, and we are now engaged. When we first met, we both drank a lot - something I chalked up to the relationship being exciting and new. She began to turn into an abusive verbal monster when she drank. I then discovered she was drinking during the day when I was at work - I came home one day and she was so out of it I had to take her to detox. The truth came out she was a relapsed alcoholic. I told her I would stand by her through her recovery, she stopped drinking (or so she led me to believe) and she got into an outpatient program. She missed the second and third meetings and was thrown out last week. She promised me she would never drink again and would start attending meetings and find another program.
Before that could happen, my Dad died suddenly in NY. I am here with her now - and came home from donating some of my Dad's property - to find her drinking again. My Mom knows something is wrong, my brother is a major support to me....but I truly am lost as to what to do. She has struggled with addiction for years - after today, everything has come into focus for me as to the extent of the problem. I am lost - I have read a lot of articles on addiction and it would appear this relationship is doomed. 5 months - I love the sober woman - but don't know whether to cut my losses now. She does not work (I wanted her to concentrate on her outpatient program), I have been supporting her, and asking her to leave seems like I am throwing her to the wolves. The relationship has been a struggle due to her drinking, some of the stories she has told me about her past both scare me and sicken me and I don't know if I can continue on this path with her and stay mentally healthy myself. She has already lived in at least two sober houses that I know of, has bounced from relationship to relationship, and has had court ordered treatment due to a DUI a year ago. It seems like I am answering my own question.
This is probably a classic story, but I need some support and advice. I can’t even imagine asking her to leave – where would I expect her to go? I am trying to handle the loss of my Dad and what I see as the loss of the sober woman I love at the same time.
TODAY
Well, I got some great advice from that post, none of which I took. I'm sure it is a classic - I thought she'd change, we love each other, etc..
She rear ended someone last week - sober but on the way to the liquor store.
She had no insurance (she lied to me when I asked her if she did a couple of months ago) and, get this, was arrested on a warrant for pawning the property of others from a couple of years ago. Of course she had a story about that and how it was all a mistake....court on the two charges is next week. The stress and work it has caused me has been off the charts - another classic I am sure, but I started trying to save the day...attorneys, insurance, etc.etc.
Stay with me, it gets worse - she has been sleeping almost 24 hours a day for the last two days - today I get up to take my meds and see that my anti anxiety meds were half gone! She stole and took half the bottle over the course of 2 to 3 days!!!! She kept saying it was the antibiotics she was on even though I kept telling her those weren't side effects of antibiotics. It got so bad I was worried and wanted to take her to the hospital. In retrospect, my meds should have been the first thing I suspected....
One of those two days was my birthday. She ate the box of candy she got me. If this wasn't so tragic it would be funny.
The only way I found out the truth (she kept swearing she didn't do it) was that I found one of the pills next to the bed, than one in the bed, etc..
She admitted it...I'll never do it again...blah blah
I told her she had to move out and it was over - told her to take 30 days and I would give her money to get herself going with rent. She was crying, distraught, and begged me for another chance. I told her I was not going to watch her slowly kill herself, nor was I going to die early due to the stress she was causing me. I left for work.
I read " wondering when the pain stops" . Helpful but I still am so upset, hurt, angry, and - get this - doubting I am doing the right thing!!!
I'm also freaking out she will OD on her Trazodone and wondering if I need to go home early to check on her. All my meds are now being kept elsewhere - pretty messed up I have to do that to begin with. Opinions - do I check on her?
Where do I get the strength to get her out of my life?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Ok, first take a long deep inhale, and a slow exhale. Now Repeat! Calm yourself, we seldom make healthy decisions while we are stressed.
You did not Cause Her Addiction
You can not Control Her Addiction
You will not Cure Her addiction
What are your boundaries in relationships?
Is it okay to steal from you?
Is it okay to lie to you?
Is it okay to cause you financial hardship?
Those are all deal breakers (by themselves) for me. I do not understand giving someone who has those qualities 30 more days of my precious life, nor do I understand giving someone with those qualities more of my precious resources.
By doing so, I would be enabling the addict and the addiction to thrive and giving permission to the addict to manipulate, blame and abuse me further.
I say it is time to take control of your one preciouse life and let her know she has until tonight to vacate the premises. She is an adult. She can take care of herself. She has found ways to keep her addiction as a priority - she can also find ways to keep herself fed, clothed and sheltered.
You did not Cause Her Addiction
You can not Control Her Addiction
You will not Cure Her addiction
What are your boundaries in relationships?
Is it okay to steal from you?
Is it okay to lie to you?
Is it okay to cause you financial hardship?
Those are all deal breakers (by themselves) for me. I do not understand giving someone who has those qualities 30 more days of my precious life, nor do I understand giving someone with those qualities more of my precious resources.
By doing so, I would be enabling the addict and the addiction to thrive and giving permission to the addict to manipulate, blame and abuse me further.
I say it is time to take control of your one preciouse life and let her know she has until tonight to vacate the premises. She is an adult. She can take care of herself. She has found ways to keep her addiction as a priority - she can also find ways to keep herself fed, clothed and sheltered.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Joe, what kind of help are you getting for yourself? Do you go to Al-Anon? There was a time in my life where the alcoholic was destroying my health with all the stress he gave me so ask yourself how concerned is she being about you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 8
Thanks to both of you. Pelican, I printed out a copy of your response and will carry it with me to remind myself.
Fedup - Good question, I have put every ounce of effort for the last 6 months into getting her healthy. That and trying to bring happiness to her life. So to answer your question - Pretty much nothing for myself. I have never attended an Al-Anon meeting - do you think it would help?
Fedup - Good question, I have put every ounce of effort for the last 6 months into getting her healthy. That and trying to bring happiness to her life. So to answer your question - Pretty much nothing for myself. I have never attended an Al-Anon meeting - do you think it would help?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I believe Alanon will help.
It helped me while seperating from and divorcing my alcoholic.
It has helped me in the years since the divorce with other relationships: with myself, with friends, with co-workers, etc.
The Alanon advice on meetings:
Try 6 meetings before you decide if Alanon is right for you.
It helped me while seperating from and divorcing my alcoholic.
It has helped me in the years since the divorce with other relationships: with myself, with friends, with co-workers, etc.
The Alanon advice on meetings:
Try 6 meetings before you decide if Alanon is right for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
yes I do. Do you ever think sometimes that your losing your mind on why your in the position you're in? It's called codependency. We're all codie's on this forum or use to be codie's and that's where Al-Anon helps you including this forum. Did you read the stickies on the top of this page? It will give you a great insight on this disease and a little on how you ended up on this site.
Take care of yourself, keep posting we're here for you.
Take care of yourself, keep posting we're here for you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Joe,
I have to ask, What are you getting out of this relationship?
I support your decision 1000%, she needs to move out, this woman is not relationship material . While I understand the hurt you are experiencing, you can go forward and make a good, healthy life for yourself.
These few months you have shared, are just a drop in the bucket, in the big picture of life. Somebody, without all this unnecessary baggage is out there seaching for a great guy like you. Please do not deny you, your own happiness. This woman is years away from being an available partner.
Only after I educated myself about addiction did I see the big picture, and it's not pretty. So whenever you are ready, it really is ok, to RUN, ....bolt, change the locks ...... just make yourself the priority of your life.
Keep posting, you are not alone.
I have to ask, What are you getting out of this relationship?
I support your decision 1000%, she needs to move out, this woman is not relationship material . While I understand the hurt you are experiencing, you can go forward and make a good, healthy life for yourself.
These few months you have shared, are just a drop in the bucket, in the big picture of life. Somebody, without all this unnecessary baggage is out there seaching for a great guy like you. Please do not deny you, your own happiness. This woman is years away from being an available partner.
Only after I educated myself about addiction did I see the big picture, and it's not pretty. So whenever you are ready, it really is ok, to RUN, ....bolt, change the locks ...... just make yourself the priority of your life.
Keep posting, you are not alone.
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