aoibhe

Hi all, I haven been here in quite a while. My story so far: Im near 8 mths sober and with regard to drinking , I feel the obsession to drink has been lifted from me. I have been going to as many AA meetings as I can get and I really get so much from them. I have a brilliant sponsor who is so encouraging and has a great programme and outlook on life. I am starting the steps in a couple of weeks with her which i am looking forward to. Now, the only upheaval that has wrecked my peace of mind in last 4 months was a relationship that I got into in AA. He is an AA member also with 4 months soberiety.. yeah!! So, he asked me out and deep down in my gut I knew it was wrong, Even in the first 72 hours of being with him I knew. Where do I start: He was 'pushy' from the outset, constantly telling me he was on a "good programme" which I believed. How wrong I was , desperately wrong. He was not going to many meetings, he was barely working, he resented sooo many people in AA, including his sponsor, family etc......list is endless. When I say pushy i mean he started controlling and manipulating things to a point that I didnt know who I was . I couldn sleep, eat, think or get back to my own work. I am a nurse and I have a 9 yr old girl whom I love so dearly. He had violent mood swings, outbursts and freaked out unnecessarily at any given moment , extreme controlling narcissistic behaviour. I was on the receiving end on many many occasion much to my horror. I begun to notice other things about him too..... things of a vile nature..images I found on my computer. It deeply disturbed me and it still does, he hurt me badly. I was with him for 3 months . I prayed to God to give me strength and courage to deal with this. I thought I cared for this man at the very beginning but I now know I was wrong. I was so vunerable going into AA. I did not realise it at the time. I had heard a couple of people say no relationships for 2 yrs... but I did not realise that a person who was even 4 yrs around could be like this... I could go on and on about his behaviour and how it has affected me but sure I would be here forever..
I ended this relationship that lasted 3 months about 5 weeks ago. I did not feel that I wanted to take a drink over this but emotionally it has broken me. I am shattered by the effects of it. Some say its a learning experience which I agree . Others say he should never have approached me in the first place. He is not a well liked member of AA at all, even though he told me such a different story when I met him.. Dear God, is he a predator and will more women have to suffer at his hands?? I lie awake at night worrying about so much and it has brought things back to me..memories. I have had some contact from him since, texts . I have got his no blocked. I have not seen him at a meeting YET and I do have some fear over that still. The thing I feel I should say though is: I have begun talking about how I feel now to my sponsor and trusting friends. I am in counselling and I have a Higher Power who I pray to and hand over my will and my life to. I know I made a mistake and I just want peace of mind . My soberiety is my number 1 for me now and I have a responsibility to myself and my little girl.
Thank you for taking the time to read this as it is long !!,

langkah

Lesson learned, then. Maybe it's useful to ask yourself what else you're hearing from those who know that you're sure simply doesn't apply in your special case?

Nothing wrong with learning lessons from the experience of others and saving ourselves great pain as often as we can allow ourselves to do that.

onlythetruth

Yes--that was obviously a mistake. You aren't the first person to make that mistake, and you won't be the last, so try not to beat yourself up about it too much.

But do learn from this, and don't do it again.

I learned this one the hard way myself, and ended up making a rule for myself that I simply would never date anyone I met in a recovery support group. As far as I am concerned, it just isn't worth it.

DayTrader

the ppl I've known whove had bad break-ups in AA tended to do one of two things..... dig deeper into the program/steps/helping others or.....use it as an "excuse" to go back to drinking.

It seems like you're making the smart choice. Remember how we deal with this sort of thing......precisely.....
--when dealing with resentments, we set them on paper-- Sounds like a great opportunity to learn something about yourself. At 8 months I assume you've been through the steps already so here's a great time to revisit the 4th step putting his name in column 1 and working from there.



best of luck to you .

sugarbear1

I didn't have the obsession lifted until I worked the steps. The meetings helped to keep me with people and not isolating, but didn't lift my obsession. It's cool to know your higher power stepped in before you did any real work on yourself! You haven't made it through one year, why a relationship? It's suggested by rehabs no relationships for at least one year of sobriety, but with someone who has only 4 months?

We first establish a relationship with a sponsor, then with the steps (ourselves). Without knowing us, how can we know who we want in our lives? No other person can define me, I must do that first so I can know me.

So sorry you had a bad relationship. Learn from this. Help a newcomer not get into the same situation. Work those steps and get to know you!

Stay stopped! For you, then for your child.

Peace & love,