ASpouse

Good morning,

My husband is an alcoholic and is now entering his fifth month of sobriety. He is working the program and we are working on getting healthy and re-establishing a healthy relationship.

Anyway, while he was in re-hab, to say the least I went totally crazy. I was angry, yelling all the time and just felt so alone. During this time, I received and accepted a lot of support from my family for myself and my children. I could not believe that I had not heard from his family at least to show concern for their granchildren/niece & nephew. Nothing, not one word except to get the phone #'s where they could call him.

So I called an inlaw one day and really laced into him, telling him that I was disappointed that they couldn't even bother to offer support, to call to see how I was, to see how the kids were and yada, yada yada. I also want you to know that I was always there for this family inlaw when they had troubles, making dinner and bringing it over, just being there to talk etc.

So my husband came home and he never heard from this brother, not one word. I find out that this brother refuses to call my home because of ME! He did not want to be yelled at by me.

Mind you, I wasn't mad until now. Tomorrow is Christmas, we are supposed to go there and I really don't want to go. But I know by not going, it will only add fuel to this fire. My husband says I can do what I want and that bothers me also. I thought I would get some sort of support from him. I don't want to put him the middle of this. He loves his family and he loves me.

I guess I am asking how do I temper this within myself? I really don't know what to do. My kids should spent Christmas with their entire family, myself included.

gracie

Hi Aspouse!
I can relate...believe me. My husband will come home from rehab next week. From the onset of this family crisis, only one of his siblings bothered to get involved and I thank God for her. His brother never bothered to respond to my tearful plea for help months ago. The lesson I have learned from this is that some people cannot handle certain things - it defies logic for me personally as I believe that family should support family, in a loving way, not in an enabling way. My husband's family is very dysfucntional and they all play their role quite well. They ignore the elephant in the living room because to acknowledge it would make them very uncomfortable and God forbid, they feel any REAL emotion.
Before my husband went AWOL on the drink and the drug, we were having debates about my boundaries with his family. Like your spouse, he told me he respected whatever I needed to do although inside he was not so accepting. Our circumstances are a lot different however the principle is the same. This is a tough situation because the result of your speaking your peace is estrangement by the brother. I think you are right to feel frustrated at your husband feeling he must make a choice..he should not have to.
I have every belief that had I lit into my brother in law, he would have shut down. While I do not agree with his distanced mind set, I have to recognize that he has the right to do this and I have no control over it. I don't know if you have attended any Al Anon meetings but I have gained a greater understanding of acceptance through these meetings. There are many issues that I have to simply swallow on with regard to my husband's family because they are NEVER going to respond in a healthy way or in a way that does not compromise my boundaries..
I don't know if you can speak to the brother in law and perhaps try to help him see how scared you have been, how alone you felt and how disappointed you were that your needs were ignored. His recovery is also YOURS. You have been affected by this disease, as has your family and it's a very hard thing to go through. I said to my brother in law that he would really benefit from attending the family sessions at the treatment center and checked my hostility at the door. I see that he too is in a lot of denial and has a blatant ignorance of the disease of alcoholism. It is not my job to educate him and if he really wants to support his brother, he will take the right steps to do so.
Like you, I was very hurt that he and his wife never once called on me to see how I've been. The last thing they heard from me was that their brother was on the street, hooked on cocaine and alcohol and was in a crisis.
Some people cannot deal with hardships and their means of self protection is to throw up walls. I already know that my husband's recovery will be impeded if he allows his family's negativity to rub off. I am hoping he will find the right support.
I think it would make matters worse if you didn't do the family thing but I would be damn sure you let your feelings be known, not in another confrontation, but in a direct conversation spoken from a kind place.

ASpouse

Acceptance? Yes, that is probably the hardest for me. I am learning to deal with my anger and quite successfully.

Acceptance and anger seem to go hand in hand. Yes, I do go to meetings but apparently I am out to lunch on this issue :-)

Like you, I do believe that his family is the point of this problem and I know it is not for me to say. I need to think on this some more and read your post again.

Thank you, I know you are right. Knowing it and living it are two different things for me.

This is my husbands family to a "T" ........ are you sure we are not related somehow??? :-)

gracie

I feel like I'm Dr. Phil with my own family in crisis of late! It's so bizarre that it's funny. My mother in law and sister in law have this unhealthy relationsip, my SIL gets dumped on terribly by MIL yet is jealous of her siblings as the 'boys' were always cut extra slack. She resents all of her family members, at one time, even disliked me because HER mom is nice to me. Well, I spend all my time with my arms out straight in front of me, keeping MIL that far away because she has a tendency to suck the life out of you! She also has this annoying habit of spouting things out that are terribly rude and tactless. I still managed to get hooked once in awhile but I am working on it! She was coming to my Al Anon meetings, in support of ME - never occured to her that she would benefit as she was the spouse of an alcoholic and was an active drug user while she raised her children. She has not seemed to acknowledge that SHE was the one who introduced her children to drugs and alcohol and all sorts of other inappropriate things! She's a handful in and of herself! I feel for my poor husband trying to navigate through the minefields of crazy! I am recognizing more everyday that HE is my nuclear family and that we have to put each other first - we don't have to buy into that role that others define for us and if they don't like it, so be it. Right now I am agonizing as to how I will get out of staying at my MIL's on Christmas morning too long..I have plans with my own family and then plan to see my husband at the center. She is the type to go crazy on you and talk smack with everyone else about you if you don't return her calls in a timely manner.. To leave the great Matriarch's home early may cause a few tongues to wag..OH WELL!!
It really is something else learning how to fit in with a funky dynamic - I have had trouble because I CAN'T seem to fit in. I cannot compromise certain things but I don't have to go about proving my point slamming heads together!
Thank God for Al Anon and my most excellent therapist..he is really helping me!
My husband is first recognizing how much of a barrier his family has been to his emotional health, not to mention his sobriety. He is very guarded right now with his mother especially. She is the type to take it personally. In fact, she was very angry that I did not call her when the crisis hit - this is inaccurate - I did tell her, MANY times that her son was addicted to drugs and alcohol and her response was 'I cannot intervene - there is nothing I can do' - well, I see now why she has to stay at a safe distance - she is terrified to get real and honest and THAT denial will only work against my husband. I hope and pray he grows strong in his program and will be able to reach his own acceptance and find some peace in his heart.
I wish you a lot of serenity this holiday - I am thrilled to hear your husband is doing so well. It is so nice to hear of people that DO make it..so many don't..
Take care of YOU!

ASpouse

With my inlaws, they keep an uncomfortable distance all the time. They almost seem emotionless and unnurturing. It is no wonder my husband has taken the road he chose to take. It is not just with my husband, it is with all of them, including my children, their nieces and nephew and grandchildren. It's weird.

Believe me, if I didn't show up tomorrow no one would think anything of it. It wouldn't be talked about, there would be no concern at all. It's odd and extremely uncomfortable.

My mother in law loves to say "I never butt into my childrens lives" and her sons all coddle/protect her to the umpteenth degree.

Hugs, kisses, feelings, conversations about important things are non-existent in his family. Everything is always happy (or so it would appear so) ... like you said about the elephant in the living room.

I have to say if I ever saw them show any emotion what so ever, even to shed a tear I would probably pass out from shock. It's odd and very very strange.

They are big believers in the saying "No news is good news" so if we don't call to give them news they just assume everything is "fine". No calls to say Hello how are you? Nothing.

The family is totally void of emotions ......Too weird for me.

With my family, including aunts/uncles/cousins it is so so opposite of his.

myles1

Hi,

You can't change them, my ex's family was like that. I came to be glad I wasn't part of their world.

The only one you can change is yourself and to not have any expectations towards them. Rise above their little games and go about your business. Go tomorrow for the sake of YOUR family and how they deal with it is up to them. Take care of you.

Ngaire

Jeff_C

The "stuff" of our disease is the way we play it out in our thought patterns and actions based on that thought pattern. It is no different for the alcoholic, and while we profess to understand their search for “rehabilitation”, we’re often not as disposed towards changing our mindset. Not quite convinced that it is “we” who need to change as well as the alcoholic. Then too, the “conversion” of the “A” seems in some way to validate whatever stance we’ve chosen previously, and lagging a bit behind in confronting those “devils” that we indeed must face, IF we have admitted to a “disease” of our own.

And there it is. “A disease of our own”. What name you put to it, or don’t, matters little, although I personally find some “labels” helpful. There simply is so much information out their on “codependency”, that is both pertinent, and revelatory. Scratch an “A”, and I’m of the mind that he/she bleeds codependent blood, and God knows we’ll not dance that one solo. So what does that make our “partner”? Who picked who, you say? And I’ll tell you it matters not, ’cause ya woulda found each other blindfolded. If not the exact person, someone eerily the same, and if that cycle’s not broken, we’ll be dancin” “Goodnight Irene” with a faceless body. born in the specters of a past, we couldn’t bring resolution to.

I know few “A’s” who are in treatment for “codependency”, the larger issue, the more immediate , and pressing difficulty, simply getting and staying sober, yet that miracle can and does happen. If and when that is the case with a twelve step remedy, those “other” issues are addressed, and with the application of the very same steps we are using here to treat ourselves. It is no accident, nor is it with no purpose, that we struggle so long and so hard to strip away the mask of our “disease”, and if ya substitute the word “behavior” for “alcohol”, in the first step, then there’s a chance of finding what’s behind that “symptom”.

The “diversions” are both legion and perverse, notably our “rightness” and our denial. We’ll use others behaviors, and the pattern of a wall paper that “says something to us” to bolster a “choice” that really isn’t a choice, much the same way an addict does. tmc, always cuts to the chase,------------------and the solution with little equivocation. And if the cure works, ya probably have the disease.
Jeff

12stepmarce

Check out Al-Anon meetings.......

Believe it....we've all told these same stories.

BTW....welcome to recovery!