jstar

i'm sure i'm not the only one to get into their own head in the first few weeks. I actually only had really 1 bad day out of the last 10, but got through it by keeping busy. Last night I started working on my 1st Step. My sponsor gave me a sheet of questions & last night on question 2, I was to give a "brief" description of my drinking history, starting with the first time I tasted alcohol. I wrote 9 college ruled notebook pages. Anything but brief. The last 8 pages were all about my drinking over the past 2 years. Looking back on it today, I just realize that my drinking in the past had always been situational & to make me cool or feel cool when I was younger, I was always terrified of getting into trouble. I even have many years from 18-30 that I don't really have much to say about my drinking, as it was pretty non-exsistant except for occasional parties until i turned 30. I do admit over the past 2 years my drinking has taken off & also as I see before me my husband wanting less and less to do with people or anything in life in general, he has become very depressed over the past 3-4 years. I'm usually very spontaneous & adventurous and over the past 4 years he has withdrawn into himself so much we dont go anywhere anymore and he rarely wants to do things or go anywhere, even with family. I've become bored...lonely...and complacent. Finding fun in outside activities and friends alone since he has become so anti-social. The last 10 days have been great sober, it's a nice feeling to know where your head is at not drinking is good for me, for now...with my own history staring me in the face it's obvious to see the timeline and when, how & why I started drinking so much. Drinking seemed to always be a "choice" for me. It wasn't a need, I chose to drink when I was out or I chose to be the DD & not drink. But also, once I "chose" to drink, after a few I lost control of how many I would have & didn't realize I couldn't stop myself from the never-ending pour.....

I also find it funny to note that Saturday night (my bad day) I expressed to my husband that I was feeling anxious cause our kids were being crazy & he said well then let's just have a drink together & it wont bother either of us. ha! Coming from my husband who's had 2 drinking days in the last 4 or 5 years...kinda cruel I think when he knows i've been going to meetings.

Anyhow...have no idea really what my topic is here, i'm not really looking for any advice, jus really venting....

Holly7

Was your husband serious or joking? Maybe he doesnt want you to stay sober because you might make him do adventurous things.

jstar

Good point Holly7! When i'm drinking & going out w/friends he gets to stay in his room & sit on his computer...

Whether i'm drunk or sober though....he still doesn't want to do anything...

Holly7

That sucks. Was he like this when you first met him? My husband is quiet and reserved. People My husband works with are always so shocked when they meet me because I'm so outgoing compared to him. I have to force him to do things occasionally, but for the most part he is aware of how "getting out of the house" is really beneficial to me mentally.

jstar

He was way more easy going when I met him. The past about 3-4 years he's totally reserved to himself. This has led me seeking other people to hang with so I can still get some "adult" conversation some times. I've stopped hanging with my friends lately cause they all drink cause I thought maybe that would make things different with him...but it doesn't.

I've also had fleeting thoughts that me, being so obsessed over drinking & getting help and AA is my form of reaching out to him, wanting his attention & for him to sweep me up, fix me & love me...I know...whimsical. but I wonder that sometimes...in my head

sugarbear1

jstar, try to give time time and focus on your sobriety. I know I wanted everything to change immediately, but that didn't happen. Stay stopped, get to step 7, at least. Your perspective might change.

We alkies like to try to change everything, we get stuck on other things...it's a subtle way our disease uses to try to get us off changing ourselves (and possibly giving us a reason to relapse--my experience).

focus on you, then you can look at him & you later. relax. breathe.

stillsleeping

'strue. We want a quick fix (pun intended) but there isn't one. It's going to take time. My H and I met as addicts, and our relationship was built on us getting high. Well, we've taken that away. Building new habits and routines we're seeing as a nice challenge, like meeting all over again. After 8 years, it's nice to have a fresh perspective; doesn't change the fact that we're nuts about each other.
x

jstar

Good to hear & you're all probably right...I want everything to be fixed instantly...poof! All problems fixed!

I can barely try to fix myself at this point....maybe I should lower the bar...

stillsleeping

Definitely.

Sorry, I missed the beginning of this - how far in are you? For the first week all I focussed on was not drinking. Didn't care who I p:ssed off or how bad I was at my job. I saw it as an investment. Second week, nicer to people, made up for it, still crap at my job, slept a lot and ate chocolate. Week 3, began to get better at my job, was a better wife, taking exercise...week 4 I've got flu. Rubbish at everything again (bah!) but still not drinking. I've never, ever been off sick and not spent it drinking. Beer with a temperature = brilliant! Nope, I'm drinking smoothies and eating chocolate.

Baby steps.

jstar

10 days in...stillsleeping...just 10 days

stillsleeping

10 days is HUGE - well done

Have been and read your first post (why do I always do that last? talk about jumping in and wanting a quick fix...)

It's taken me 19 years to get to 10 days. You something similar by the look of it. Enjoy your 10 days. Go easy on yourself. And go easy on your H too. Set little, tiny little, challenges, stuff you can achieve today. You can't get clean and be an amazing mum and encourage your H to be more sociable and become a whole new person...today.

So what can you do? Pick a really cool story to read to the kids tonight? Give yourself a pedicure? Write your H a lovenote? Something little that begins to tackle the big stuff... just a thought xxx

jstar

thank you xoxo

stillsleeping

Hugs...squeeze