My mother is an alcoholic.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: ireland
Posts: 11
My mother is an alcoholic.
Hi everyone im new to this..
But i really need help in talking about my mothers alcoholism.
im the youngest of 4 kids and live at home with one sibling and my mam and dad. My dad is a hard working man and my mother hasnt worked in 10 years.
im gona start by telling u some of my experiences. my mother started heavily drinking wen i was about 12, since den it hasnt really stopped and im 22 now. my mother is the most loving caring person when she is sobber, but with drink, she isnt this person i know. she drinks on and off, like drink for 3 months day and night and then not drink for a month or two.
when she drinks she starts arguement with everyone who lives at home, its like she is always looking for an arguement mostly with my father, and he is at the point were he cant take it anymore, he is so stressed, tryin to run a buisness and then having to come home to a drunken wife, constantly tryin to cause arguements. The arguements are that bad, it becomes physical, but the weird thing is, its like my mam wants my dad to hit her, to use this as an excuse to keep on drinkin.
Anyway in the past 7 years my mother has gone to two rehabs, both 12 week courses, and has ended up drinking within 3 months of finishing these.
the whole family is sick of her drinking, my dad is on about moving out, im never at home and neither is my brother. she wont admit her drinking is wrong and blames this on my father or any any excuss she can think of. she wont listen to anything we say about her drinking.
For the past 8 weeks now, she hasnt been sober once, she drinks as soon as she wakes till she passes out somewhere.
we need help to sort her out?
What to we do move out? Not speak to her? Untill she realises she is loosing us?
Please Help.
Thanks in advance...
But i really need help in talking about my mothers alcoholism.
im the youngest of 4 kids and live at home with one sibling and my mam and dad. My dad is a hard working man and my mother hasnt worked in 10 years.
im gona start by telling u some of my experiences. my mother started heavily drinking wen i was about 12, since den it hasnt really stopped and im 22 now. my mother is the most loving caring person when she is sobber, but with drink, she isnt this person i know. she drinks on and off, like drink for 3 months day and night and then not drink for a month or two.
when she drinks she starts arguement with everyone who lives at home, its like she is always looking for an arguement mostly with my father, and he is at the point were he cant take it anymore, he is so stressed, tryin to run a buisness and then having to come home to a drunken wife, constantly tryin to cause arguements. The arguements are that bad, it becomes physical, but the weird thing is, its like my mam wants my dad to hit her, to use this as an excuse to keep on drinkin.
Anyway in the past 7 years my mother has gone to two rehabs, both 12 week courses, and has ended up drinking within 3 months of finishing these.
the whole family is sick of her drinking, my dad is on about moving out, im never at home and neither is my brother. she wont admit her drinking is wrong and blames this on my father or any any excuss she can think of. she wont listen to anything we say about her drinking.
For the past 8 weeks now, she hasnt been sober once, she drinks as soon as she wakes till she passes out somewhere.
we need help to sort her out?
What to we do move out? Not speak to her? Untill she realises she is loosing us?
Please Help.
Thanks in advance...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
A warm welcome, Cheryl. So sorry you are the child of an alcoholic and that you have had to experience that abandonment.
Alcoholics create crisis and drama in their lives, in their families, because in their addict minds, this gives them reason to drink. Anger and resentment fuels addiction, revs it up, and alcoholics thrive on that.
In AA the recovering alcoholics work intensely on ridding themselves of their resentments for this very reason.
My connection to an alcoholic has been as a wife, so I wish I could share more with you from experience as a child of an alcoholic. I'm hoping others at SR will be able to.
You cannot cure her addicted brain, Cheryl. No matter what you do--no matter what you try.
The best family members can do is not enable. If the alcoholic passes out in the hallway, leave her there. Do not rescue. She's had treatment, so she knows where to find help. Let her be an adult who makes her own decisions for her own life and step away from assuming any responsibility whatsoever. This includes any responsibility for your father and for your parents' chaotic marriage.
Is there a counselor at your school? If so, he or she can help you.
Wishing you protection and release from your parents' craziness.
Alcoholics create crisis and drama in their lives, in their families, because in their addict minds, this gives them reason to drink. Anger and resentment fuels addiction, revs it up, and alcoholics thrive on that.
In AA the recovering alcoholics work intensely on ridding themselves of their resentments for this very reason.
My connection to an alcoholic has been as a wife, so I wish I could share more with you from experience as a child of an alcoholic. I'm hoping others at SR will be able to.
You cannot cure her addicted brain, Cheryl. No matter what you do--no matter what you try.
The best family members can do is not enable. If the alcoholic passes out in the hallway, leave her there. Do not rescue. She's had treatment, so she knows where to find help. Let her be an adult who makes her own decisions for her own life and step away from assuming any responsibility whatsoever. This includes any responsibility for your father and for your parents' chaotic marriage.
Is there a counselor at your school? If so, he or she can help you.
Wishing you protection and release from your parents' craziness.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Cheryl,
I am sorry you have been living like this for ten years. The alcohol is running the show in your mothers brain. (I am a recovering alcoholic mother) Threats and ultimatums do not work against alcohol.
Please work on yourself, your mother (after two rehabs) certainly knows what is required to get sober and start the recovery process.
I agree with EnglishGarden that you are making yourself responsible for things that are totally out of your control.
I am also the Adult Child of an Alcoholic, and I thought if I was good enough, my father would stop drinking and love me. I can tell you now, that if I walked across water when I was six years old, my father would have said, "so what? not far enough".
Please get and read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, and look for meetings Alanon and ACoA, Adult Children of Alcoholics. You will find yourself.
Beth
I am sorry you have been living like this for ten years. The alcohol is running the show in your mothers brain. (I am a recovering alcoholic mother) Threats and ultimatums do not work against alcohol.
Please work on yourself, your mother (after two rehabs) certainly knows what is required to get sober and start the recovery process.
I agree with EnglishGarden that you are making yourself responsible for things that are totally out of your control.
I am also the Adult Child of an Alcoholic, and I thought if I was good enough, my father would stop drinking and love me. I can tell you now, that if I walked across water when I was six years old, my father would have said, "so what? not far enough".
Please get and read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, and look for meetings Alanon and ACoA, Adult Children of Alcoholics. You will find yourself.
Beth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: ireland
Posts: 11
Thank for replying to me. English garden, its hard not to take responsibility as i care. As i said she is the best person in the world when sober and i dont no who she is when drunk. But mostly im staying at my boyfriend and sometimes feel i just have to go home to check on her. As for her knowing where to find help, she wont admit she has a problem even tho she has been to rehab twice! There marraige can been chaotic when she drinks and only when she drinks, when sober their marraige couldnt be any better. My dad is so stressed, he even had a heart attack a cuple of months ago. Our family is falling apart. Im not in school im 22. This is the first time i have talked about this ever to anyone.
Beth thank for you suport, my mind thinks dat our family is obviosly not good enough for my mother to stop drinking. I no she loves us. But i just dont see why she cant stop for our family. Its so fustrating. Im not into going to meeting and stuff as iv never been or even talked to anyone about this. But what is this book?
Beth thank for you suport, my mind thinks dat our family is obviosly not good enough for my mother to stop drinking. I no she loves us. But i just dont see why she cant stop for our family. Its so fustrating. Im not into going to meeting and stuff as iv never been or even talked to anyone about this. But what is this book?
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Cheryl))) - the book, "Codependent no more" is an awesome book that talks about feeling responsible for things going on, and getting to the point where we realize we really have no control over another's feelings or actions.
I'm sorry you're going through what you are. I'm a recovering addict AND recovering codependent...I had 3 bf's who were alcoholics/addicts and I was convinced that my love could "fix them". I was wrong, and I turned to drugs to numb out all the feelings I went through.
Even knowing addiction inside and out, I'm now living back at home (consequences of my addiction..lost my career, got in a LOT of debt) and my stepmom is an addict, my dad has become the enabler, and my 18-year-old niece who they raised has experimented with drugs/alcohol, and is extremely affected by my stepmom. She is something like 4th or 5th generation of "adult child of addict/alcoholic" and it breaks my heart. She is also 2 months pregnant..no high school education, no job, but does have a really good bf.
I work MY recovery every day. Yes, I do slip and slide into "codie-land" with my stepmom or niece. Thanks to everyone here, I don't STAY in codie-land very long.
The only person I can control is me. I can't make stepmom stop using, I can't make my dad stop enabling her, and I can't stop my niece from being extremely attached to my stepmom. I CAN set boundaries (which I learned about here). I CAN do what I need to do...go back to school, not talk to whoever in my family who has crossed a boundary, I can go out for a ride and listen to "feel good" music and mentally make a gratitude list.
I highly recommend the book, though I will admit...I read it decades ago and I felt it had some good stuff, it just didn't apply to me because *I* was going to be the one that loved enough to make a difference. In fact, I wore through 2 copies of the book!
SR didn't exist back then, but I can say I've come farther in my recoveries because of SR than I ever did back then.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm sorry you're going through what you are. I'm a recovering addict AND recovering codependent...I had 3 bf's who were alcoholics/addicts and I was convinced that my love could "fix them". I was wrong, and I turned to drugs to numb out all the feelings I went through.
Even knowing addiction inside and out, I'm now living back at home (consequences of my addiction..lost my career, got in a LOT of debt) and my stepmom is an addict, my dad has become the enabler, and my 18-year-old niece who they raised has experimented with drugs/alcohol, and is extremely affected by my stepmom. She is something like 4th or 5th generation of "adult child of addict/alcoholic" and it breaks my heart. She is also 2 months pregnant..no high school education, no job, but does have a really good bf.
I work MY recovery every day. Yes, I do slip and slide into "codie-land" with my stepmom or niece. Thanks to everyone here, I don't STAY in codie-land very long.
The only person I can control is me. I can't make stepmom stop using, I can't make my dad stop enabling her, and I can't stop my niece from being extremely attached to my stepmom. I CAN set boundaries (which I learned about here). I CAN do what I need to do...go back to school, not talk to whoever in my family who has crossed a boundary, I can go out for a ride and listen to "feel good" music and mentally make a gratitude list.
I highly recommend the book, though I will admit...I read it decades ago and I felt it had some good stuff, it just didn't apply to me because *I* was going to be the one that loved enough to make a difference. In fact, I wore through 2 copies of the book!
SR didn't exist back then, but I can say I've come farther in my recoveries because of SR than I ever did back then.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Well, it helps us when we understand what alcoholism is and what the experts say about the right way to help an alcoholic.
On the opening page of the Friends and Family of Alcoholics page, look to the top and see all the items labeled "Sticky." When you click on each one of those, then you will see other links you can click on. These lead you to information for families of alcoholics.
Alcoholism is defined as an obsession of the mind and an uncontrollable compulsion to drink in spite of negative consequences to the self and to the family. An alcoholic cannot control how much she drinks when she takes the first drink. She loses complete control over her intake.
And alcoholics in active addiction also cannot control where they will drink and when they will drink. Until they get help, they are out of control no matter how much they might intend to be in control. Alcoholics cannot keep any promises about drinking, which is why families cannot trust an alcoholic to stay sober for anything. Not for a wedding, not for a funeral, not for driving the kids to school. The alcoholic is out of control of her drinking. It is the obsession and the compulsion which drives her brain.
It does not mean your mother does not love you or her husband.
Most alcoholics have to hit a hard hard bottom of pain and misery and everyone refusing to rescue them anymore before they are so broken that they will seek help. Your mother still has someone giving her food and shelter and company and your father probably cleans up a lot of the mess she makes in her life and probably accepts her verbal abuse. He is an enabler. An enabler is someone who stands in the way of an alcoholic hitting that necessary bottom. Your father does not cause her drinking. But he does stand in the way of her bottom when he rescues her in any way. And just as you cannot control your mother, you also cannot control him, of course.
But you could read up on alcoholism in the Sticky section and print out anything you think might be useful for him.
When people are alcoholics, the experts tell us that what we would do for a normal person--the way we might help out a normal person--is the worst thing to do for an alcoholic. So we have to completely reverse our normal helpfulness. We have to NOT HELP when the alcoholic passes out, misses work, wrecks the car, gets arrested, throws up, locks herself out of the house. The list goes on.
When we do not help, then the alcoholic comes face to face with the reality that her life is a disaster and the reason it is a disaster is the drinking.
AA meetings are everywhere. When your mother loses her enablers and her control over everybody, and she experiences crisis after crisis after crisis because she is drunk, then she might just walk into an AA meeting.
Anyway, read the Sticky links. And I'm glad you aren't in the house all the time.
"Codependent No More", I agree, will help you and all libraries have a copy.
You are young and your emotional health and your freedom to follow any dream you have for a good life are so important. I hope you know that. Your mother's life is hers. And your life is yours.
On the opening page of the Friends and Family of Alcoholics page, look to the top and see all the items labeled "Sticky." When you click on each one of those, then you will see other links you can click on. These lead you to information for families of alcoholics.
Alcoholism is defined as an obsession of the mind and an uncontrollable compulsion to drink in spite of negative consequences to the self and to the family. An alcoholic cannot control how much she drinks when she takes the first drink. She loses complete control over her intake.
And alcoholics in active addiction also cannot control where they will drink and when they will drink. Until they get help, they are out of control no matter how much they might intend to be in control. Alcoholics cannot keep any promises about drinking, which is why families cannot trust an alcoholic to stay sober for anything. Not for a wedding, not for a funeral, not for driving the kids to school. The alcoholic is out of control of her drinking. It is the obsession and the compulsion which drives her brain.
It does not mean your mother does not love you or her husband.
Most alcoholics have to hit a hard hard bottom of pain and misery and everyone refusing to rescue them anymore before they are so broken that they will seek help. Your mother still has someone giving her food and shelter and company and your father probably cleans up a lot of the mess she makes in her life and probably accepts her verbal abuse. He is an enabler. An enabler is someone who stands in the way of an alcoholic hitting that necessary bottom. Your father does not cause her drinking. But he does stand in the way of her bottom when he rescues her in any way. And just as you cannot control your mother, you also cannot control him, of course.
But you could read up on alcoholism in the Sticky section and print out anything you think might be useful for him.
When people are alcoholics, the experts tell us that what we would do for a normal person--the way we might help out a normal person--is the worst thing to do for an alcoholic. So we have to completely reverse our normal helpfulness. We have to NOT HELP when the alcoholic passes out, misses work, wrecks the car, gets arrested, throws up, locks herself out of the house. The list goes on.
When we do not help, then the alcoholic comes face to face with the reality that her life is a disaster and the reason it is a disaster is the drinking.
AA meetings are everywhere. When your mother loses her enablers and her control over everybody, and she experiences crisis after crisis after crisis because she is drunk, then she might just walk into an AA meeting.
Anyway, read the Sticky links. And I'm glad you aren't in the house all the time.
"Codependent No More", I agree, will help you and all libraries have a copy.
You are young and your emotional health and your freedom to follow any dream you have for a good life are so important. I hope you know that. Your mother's life is hers. And your life is yours.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Somewhere, IL
Posts: 43
Cheryl, I am so sorry you are going through all this. This is something you cannot do alone, you need help so you don't end up being dragged down right along with your mother. Perhaps your brother would like to join you in going somewhere for help for YOURSELVES, not your mom, but for both of you. Maybe talk to a pastor, an old high school or college counselor or even a local mental health clinic.
DO NOT FOR ONE MINUTE THINK THIS IS YOUR FAULT OR YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. The truth is your mom wants to drink, and to do it at all costs. She will use everyone and anything as a reason, creating reasons if any aren't available. Heartbreaking as it is, there is nothing you can do to help her fight this battle other than loving her and literally ignoring her and her alcoholic behaviors. She knows what she is doing, she just doesn't have any desire or need to change right now. As long as dad and brother and you are there, and she gets what she needs, why should she change?
Since she does not work, who gets her booze for her? Whoever is enabling this needs to stop. And you know what? You are a young woman with her whole life ahead of her. Move out, get on your own, refuse to have contact with Mom. You don't need to check on her, your dad is there. As I said in another post, this is the only life you have, how are you going to spend the rest of it?
And BTW, I do not drink, never really have, but my son is a drug and alcohol addict, and my daughter is an abusive alcoholic. I have spent the last 20 years of my life cleaning up their messes, getting them out of trouble, worrying about them, and for what? They are still the same. Do you see my point? No matter what you do for your mom, she is not going to change, and you will spend the rest of your life picking up the pieces of her life. Please leave and start your OWN life's journey and find joy and happiness. It will be hard work but at this point, you need to make it all about YOU for a change.
DO NOT FOR ONE MINUTE THINK THIS IS YOUR FAULT OR YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. The truth is your mom wants to drink, and to do it at all costs. She will use everyone and anything as a reason, creating reasons if any aren't available. Heartbreaking as it is, there is nothing you can do to help her fight this battle other than loving her and literally ignoring her and her alcoholic behaviors. She knows what she is doing, she just doesn't have any desire or need to change right now. As long as dad and brother and you are there, and she gets what she needs, why should she change?
Since she does not work, who gets her booze for her? Whoever is enabling this needs to stop. And you know what? You are a young woman with her whole life ahead of her. Move out, get on your own, refuse to have contact with Mom. You don't need to check on her, your dad is there. As I said in another post, this is the only life you have, how are you going to spend the rest of it?
And BTW, I do not drink, never really have, but my son is a drug and alcohol addict, and my daughter is an abusive alcoholic. I have spent the last 20 years of my life cleaning up their messes, getting them out of trouble, worrying about them, and for what? They are still the same. Do you see my point? No matter what you do for your mom, she is not going to change, and you will spend the rest of your life picking up the pieces of her life. Please leave and start your OWN life's journey and find joy and happiness. It will be hard work but at this point, you need to make it all about YOU for a change.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: ireland
Posts: 11
AMY tanx for replying
Well done on continuing with your recovery
i think i need to really get a copy of this book. Now i come on her iv took a look at my self and have realised what a controlling person i try to be even in my relationship. I try to takr hold of every situation.
ENGLISHGARDEN.
Thanks for the imformation about the book, just reading what you wrote about alcohloism has really made me look at it so differently.
Yes you are right about my father being the enabler, but i also feel myself and my brother take part in it too, like when she starts an arguement with my father we all get invovled in it and end up arguing with her, so therefore so to speak she has won the excuse to take another drink. But since iv come on here to talk i have learned not to give in to her starting arguements. Like today twice she has tried about silly little tings as closing the door to hard, but iv ignored her. Should i do this?
I argre she defo beeds to hit rock bottom for her to realise, but how to i tell my father and brother to stop helping her?? We never really talk about her drinking unless we have to. Yea im so glad too that im bot at home all the time, and that i have somewhere else to go.
FEDUPWITH2BRATS
Yea i agree i need help, but iv never gone to consuling and im not that good at talking about this subject with anyone, not even my boyfriend of 6 years. He knows my mother is an alcoholic but iv never told him anything that goes on. Yea iv been ignoring her since yesterday.
She doesnt claim any social, my dad gives her a weekly salary, but she does food shopping out of this money for thr house. So my dad should stop this? This might sound silly but i feel i cant move out. My boyfriend has his own house and i spend four nights a week there nd 3 at home. I just cant bring myself to actualy move out, i help my dad with his business at home and other stuff. I feel im leaving him to deal with this by himself.
I feel i need to speak to my dad about him being the enabler, but i dont know how to?
Im so sorry to hear about your son and daughter and im happy that you have come to terms with their addictions. I dont want to spend my life picking up the peices, im the only girl and the baby of the family, like i think about my life and want her to be in it sober, like be there when i have kids and everthing.
Well done on continuing with your recovery
i think i need to really get a copy of this book. Now i come on her iv took a look at my self and have realised what a controlling person i try to be even in my relationship. I try to takr hold of every situation.ENGLISHGARDEN.
Thanks for the imformation about the book, just reading what you wrote about alcohloism has really made me look at it so differently.
Yes you are right about my father being the enabler, but i also feel myself and my brother take part in it too, like when she starts an arguement with my father we all get invovled in it and end up arguing with her, so therefore so to speak she has won the excuse to take another drink. But since iv come on here to talk i have learned not to give in to her starting arguements. Like today twice she has tried about silly little tings as closing the door to hard, but iv ignored her. Should i do this?
I argre she defo beeds to hit rock bottom for her to realise, but how to i tell my father and brother to stop helping her?? We never really talk about her drinking unless we have to. Yea im so glad too that im bot at home all the time, and that i have somewhere else to go.
FEDUPWITH2BRATS
Yea i agree i need help, but iv never gone to consuling and im not that good at talking about this subject with anyone, not even my boyfriend of 6 years. He knows my mother is an alcoholic but iv never told him anything that goes on. Yea iv been ignoring her since yesterday.
She doesnt claim any social, my dad gives her a weekly salary, but she does food shopping out of this money for thr house. So my dad should stop this? This might sound silly but i feel i cant move out. My boyfriend has his own house and i spend four nights a week there nd 3 at home. I just cant bring myself to actualy move out, i help my dad with his business at home and other stuff. I feel im leaving him to deal with this by himself.
I feel i need to speak to my dad about him being the enabler, but i dont know how to?
Im so sorry to hear about your son and daughter and im happy that you have come to terms with their addictions. I dont want to spend my life picking up the peices, im the only girl and the baby of the family, like i think about my life and want her to be in it sober, like be there when i have kids and everthing.
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