mayalewiston

Sorry for my 1 million posts this week... I recently discovered this forum and it has really been the only thing keeping me sane since moving out of house with AH a week ago.

My question is: When any of the A's in your life were in the beginning stages of "recovery" (using that word lightly as I don't REALLY think it is recovery but just the action of going to treatment without really being ready), did they come home and try to use their new learnings against you?

For example, my AH went to his consultation yesterday for an intensive outpatient program he is supposedly starting on Monday. He then spoke of "triggers" and how I am a trigger for him, he has realized that when we are fighting, that is the only time he drinks a lot and he is fine to drink in moderation otherwise. When I pointed out the 99% of examples when he drank that did not fall within that criteria, he really didn't have much to say. I truly think what I said did not sink in AT ALL and he truly believes that. That being said, I really don't think he is ready to enter a program and is just doing to to appease me - thoughts???

He has pulled this same tactic after seeing psychologists before - he will come home and say that his psychologist says that "it's not healthy for you (meaning me) to...." (fill in the blank with various scenarios). Also he always makes sure to note that the psychologist thinks I need major help too, etc.... All of this usually from only ONE session (because he then never goes back).

Is it common to try to use and twist therapy around to blame us? (Wow, that sounds really sick even as I type it!). And if so, is this is a typical "first part" of therapy that he will eventually work through or do you think this means he just isn't ready for recovery?

I know we aren't doctors here (at least most of us!), but just looking for anyone that has any experience or personal opinion on this... thanks!

m1k3

IMO that is him preparing himself to drink again in the future.

I haven't had a drink now in over a week, not very long I know. I quit drinking because after leaving my alcoholic wife I found myself drinking everyday and starting to drink more each day. So I decided to quit. The same way I quit tobacco, I just went cold turkey and told myself I would never dip snuff again. That was 15 years ago and I haven't. I am using the same approach with my drinking but this time I am using a formalized process known as AVRT. Since I never got to the point where I had a physical reaction to quitting alcohol I not finding this process difficult at all. Of course I had used something very like it I. The past and that makes it easier as well.

My point is that if HE wants to quit he will whatever the program but he can no longer view himself as a drinker. If he doesn't have that mindset it will be very hard to quit.

Ask him, is he willing to commit to NEVER drinking again. That right there will tell you how committed he is.

And yes, I went through that with my STBXAW , wow, it felt good to say that, soon to be ex, multiple rehabs, detoxes, visits to the ER and so on. I never heard the never comittment from her until after it was way too late.

By the way, trying to quit is like trying to jump. You either do or you don't. Try it yourself. Try to jump without actually jumping. Trying to quit = not quitting just as trying to jump = not jumping.

Your friend,

Freedom1990

As a long-term recovering alcoholic/addict myself, I can assure you that blame-shifting is not a part of recovery, early or otherwise.

SoaringSpirits

It just sounds like typical alcoholic blame shifting. My AH did the same thing before and after we separated. No personal responsibility for his drinking and a lot of blame on everything external. And of course the tried-and-true "I only drink to excess because of YOU. Otherwise I am a completely normal drinker!"

This all manifested in therapy as well. Our counselor saw through it and eventually told us that he could not help us in couples therapy because my AH was not interested in any kind of attempt at recovery. It made counseling sort of crazy-making, because we could never make any true progress because everything always led back into a circle. It was a crazy circle. It still is.

Based on what you write, I would not hold my breath regarding your husband and recovery. He doesn't sound ready. He sounds like he's just lining up reasons to drink. Get thee to Al Anon and keep reading here.

AntoinetteP

I agree with the others, it's just blame shifting. Seeing that he's in the beginning of therapy, and should he continue (and his shrink knows his stuff) he will gradually begin to realize that how he reacts to your 'triggering' behavior is his responsibility, not yours. For now, he's still in the 'learning the ropes and establishing trust' poiint.

I hope that makes sense.

LifeRecovery

As someone who has utilized therapy long-term, I have never had a therapist talk to me about the other person/relationship in my life as the "problem" especially right after meeting me.

Therapy is to learn about myself as a person, the only time I can see doing what your loved one is doing would be when I was unwilling to look at my own problems and was trying to deflect them onto someone else.

Something does not sit right about this one for me.

NYCDoglvr

I wouldn't put weight in anything he says. He's still the same person and you're completely powerless over him. It helps to understand that for alcoholics, the bottle is God, Higher Power, Solution to all Problems and great love of their life. If he quit drinking fine, but it takes years of sobriety and a lot of hard word to change.

What's much more important is what are YOU doing to grow as a person, to move forward with your life? I know this is hard but it's critical to let sick people go if we want a life.

EnglishGarden

I have read that the disease is always looking for a set-up to feed itself.

If he decides you're the worst trigger, then he has--according to his brain--no choice but to drink. "I was so triggered!" he will lament.

Concentrate on you. Check in with yourself and ask yourself, every day, "Is this good for me?" The answers will help you. Notice what's happening when the answer is "No."

onceuponatime2

When my husband relapsed he used the program as a weapon towards me. Of course he would twist it and distort it to suit his needs. When an alcoholic is active they will use anything they can to continue drinking. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse or he couldn't possibly say anything worse to me as his addiction progressed.. he did.

StarCat

He is "blame shifting" - and no, that's not recovery.

Someone who wants to blame someone else for their mistakes can be convincing, too. I want to warn you, because my XABF (alcoholic ex-boyfriend) had me convinced for the longest time that he drank because I didn't help him enough with not drinking. He would mix in bits and pieces of the truth, and bits and pieces of things that I was insecure about, and so I'd believe all the other untruths that he was throwing in my direction.

Facts really can be twisted to seem to support accusations that aren't really true. Just because you have facts doesn't mean that the factors are related.
A few examples of this...
97% of convicted criminals consume this.
And my favorite, for anyone who is a bit of a geek like me - the dangers of Dihydrogen Monoxide.

SOBERINNEPA

One of my own tried and true tactics. Pick a fight to create the emotional and/or physical distance that would allow me to spend some time with my favorite friend, vodka. When I got serious about getting better, I had to face up to lousy tricks I played to protect my addiction. Blaming your wife, in whole or in part, is no longer an option when you're really trying to recover. That's alcohologic.

nodaybut2day

My XAH used our marriage counsellor to try to convince me that the entire marriage rested on my decision to wean my baby girl early so that I'd be "hot for sex" again, and do my wifely duties. Yep. Feel free to barf.

m1k3

Wow, just freaking wow. I have no words for that.

Your friend,

Linkmeister

Sounds like the ill-fated sessions the ex and I had. During one of our many spats, EXABF convinced me that couple's counselling was the way to resolve "our" problems. We had six free sessions under his health plan. Three of the sessions ended up being devoted to my problems and how they caused him to drink.

When the counselor called him on this, he left the session, never to go back, saying that she was "no good." I used the remaining sessions for myself - that's where a lot of breakthroughs continued. I ended up going back to her for six more sessions (she cut me a break on the price) and really worked on myself. She offered for him, but he said no, that he had no problems, it was all on my shoulders. He didn't need therapy, AA, any form of recovery because he could do it all on his own.

theuncertainty

Oh, I am the most evil, conniving, b-tch on the planet. Because, you see, I made XAH drink for over 16 years. (Did he drink before then? Y y y y y yes. But that was only because his father always had cold ones in the fridge. Oh, well, then he moved them to the garage and kept them warm so XAH wouldn't drink them. But XAH had to drink them any way because they were, you know, still in the house - well garage - but you know...) Oh, wait, it's longer than that, because I'm STILL the reason he drinks.

Even his GF *knows* this for a fact! When she's had to kick him out, it's because TheUncertainty stressed him out with my unreasonable demands about supervised visitation with DS or made him lose his job by having The State take his money, so of course he had to drink. He told her this, and he's such a wonderful man, he wouldn't lie.

Mean, evil, TheUncertainty. Money-grubbing, conniving, b-tchy, manipulative TheUncertainty. I'm sooooo powerful that I can affect him from across town, without seeing him or talking with him or e-mailing or texting him... without even seeing him at the door when he picks up or drops off DS. Woooooooo, beware TheUncertainty.

Dun-da-duh! TheUncertainty!! (big booming voice over)

:rotfxko

Sorry, I'm teasing. But it's what XAH and his GF's comments boil down to. And that's basically what your AH's comments boil down to. It's hard for me to remember that I am not strong enough to make XAH do anything, much less drink or not drink. Because sure as h-ll fire, if I had the power to impact his drinking, I wouldn't be MAKING him drink.

I just need to remember I am not that powerful.

Camera fades out as TheUncertainty stands silhouetted against the horizon, cape fluttering in the wind, hands on hips, gazing out into the distance: on the look-out for opportunities to make XAH drink again. (Ba-ba-bum.)

(did I get a giggle? )

theuncertainty

Gaaah, Noday! XAH ranted at me for the same - without the marriage counselor backing. Because, according to him, you know, that's not what those are for; they're his (XAH's). I shouldn't be letting ANYbody else touch them.

mayalewiston

OMG, that was absolutely fantastic! I am rolling... thank you for the laugh, I sooo needed it!!!

m1k3

That was great. Right up there with my star trek posts. And that's high praise indeed.



Your friend,

nodaybut2day

You made me imagine you like this:

mayalewiston

If the star trek posts are half as good as this, I would love a link to them

Finding the common humor in all of this is so therapeutic for me - after everything we have been through, the least we can do is get a good laugh out of it.