mamaplus2kids

Should I send this letter to my exBF?

Dear ExBF,

Now that my children's sadness and feelings of abandonment have turned into anger, I can no longer try to cover for you and explain to them that you still love them but that you have too much work. They are adding you to their list of other irresponsible and untrustworthy men. I doubt they will ever be able to trust men again.

Now I can let go of you too, even if you haven't picked up your 15 paintings from my house and your personal belongings. Now I can let go even though you have infiltrated every part of my world from real estate dealings next door to my children's school to working with and befriending mothers of children from my kids school, with whom you have shared personal details about me and the children. You blame me for preventing you from getting your work done, which is ludicrous. When we talk on the phone for 1 hour in the evening, this is not preventing you from getting your work done. You are the one who hasn't been clear. You are the one who says you still "love me" but wants to stay friends.

The reality is that you haven't made it easy for me to let go.

You were right that I deserve a better man, but not for the crazy reasons you gave.

I deserve a man who is able to love me.
I deserve a man who cherishes me and values me.
I deserve a man who accepts me and doesn't criticize me constantly.
I deserve a strong man who doesn't care what others think of him, a man who stands by his beliefs and convictions.
I deserve a man who isn't fake, someone who stands up for his values. Someone who doesn't pretend to like people, while deep inside he loathes them and what they stand for.
I deserve a man who doesn't run away like a coward.
I deserve a man who doesn't hide behind a silent wall.
I deserve a man who can share his feelings and who is man enough to show he cares.
I deserve a man who doesn't act cold and aloof with me in public. Somoene who isn't ashamed of me because I am different, someone who is able to rise above society boundaries and love me for who I am. Someone who is proud to be with me.
I deserve a man who can tell me why he's in a bad mood.
I deserve a man who can make plans and who values me enough to schedule even the smallest amount of time for me (even 10 minutes).
I deserve a man who doesn't criticize me for things I can't change and for who I am.
I deserve a man who will care enough to spend an evening with me after an operation.
I deserve a man who can enjoy social functions without having to get drunk and make me feel badly for wanting to go home at 2 a.m..
I deserve a man who doesn't need to smoke pot every day.
I deserve a man who wants to spend one single weekend a year with me alone.
I deserve a man who wants to spend a weekend day or two once every months with me and the kids.
I deserve a man who values it when I suggest that I order a babysitter so we can be together.
I deserve a man who can find some kind of balance between his work and a relationship.
I deserve a man who invites me out once in a while.
I deserve a man who doesn't abandon my children after bonding with them, acting like their father.
I deserve a man who doesn't try to have a child with me and then when the child dies says: "It wasn't mean to be [with you]"
I deserve a man who doesn't criticize me for being needy or for wanting to feel loved.

Diana

zxcirce

No.

You should definitely keep it and read it a lot though.

m1k3

What do you hope to get out of this. To me it reads like the continuation of a fight you were having.

Since you asked for advice, I thing writing the letter was good, sending it would be bad. If he is really your ex I would go no contact. To me is sounds like you still want to engage with him.

I have the minimal amount of contact I can with my wife and once the divorce goes through I plan on having no contact with her ever. We may run into each other at events that our children are having and I will simply treat her as one of the guests I don't really know and only see on these occasions.

Your friend,

mamaplus2kids

That's the question... is he really my ex.

He is sending me mixed messages.

catlovermi

YOU determine whether he's your ex.

CLMI

suki44883

I strongly suggest NOT sending the letter. You poured your heart out, but it won't mean anything to him. The very best thing you could do would be to cut off any contact with him whatsoever unless it is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY involving the children. It doesn't sound like he's been much of a father to them, so chances are you won't have to have any contact with him.

He doesn't determine whether he is an ex, YOU do. Refer back to your letter to remind yourself why you are not with him any longer. You deserve better but your will not get it from him.

m1k3

I agree with catLover, isn't that up to you?

Why would you want to be with someone who fails to meet any of these needs.

Sounds to me like it's time for you to start working on yourself. This site and al-anon are great places to start.



Your friend,

mamaplus2kids

Aren't these needs over the top? Do such men exist?

AlcoholicLove

Well. you can send it but it will be a wasted effort on your part.
He probably won't read it and if he does he won't give a rat's ass about it.
You should know by now alcoholics don't really care about anyone but themselves.....

gippy1968

Don's send the letter. Move forward and don't look back; for you and your kids.

suki44883

Okay, I misread your post. I assumed you had children with this man. Since you don't, you have no reason to have any contact with him whatsoever. Your kids deserve better and so do you. Again, you won't get it with this guy.

m1k3

No and me.

My problem was my AW used my compassion and love as tools to manipulate me to keep me attached so she could continue to drink and drug.

A good partner will be there for you and also have boundaries so that they take of themselves as well. I never mastered the boundaries part until after I left.

Your friend,

wicked

\
Mama,
If you have to exchange one word with a man who would say these words to a grieving mother.....
I am so sorry for your loss.

I believe these men exist. If you believe these needs are over the top (being loved and respected by your partner), then you will find what you are looking for.
You will find another one just like the one you have now.

Keep your letter. When you feel the need to talk to a woman hating narcissist, pull out the letter and remember how he feels about you and your children.

Beth

EnglishGarden

You can tell your children the truth: that he is a selfish man who cannot love. That some people have small cold hearts of stone and that he is one of them. And that they deserve in their lives people with big wide warm open hearts--like the ones they have.

Telling them he has too much work--or any other flim-flam excuse--elevates him ("big important man has big important work") and does not heal their hurt.

Narcissists LOVE receiving letters like this one. They LOVE all that attention, even when it's negative. They LOVE twisting everything you say to them into another reason why you are pathetically flawed while they are so far above you.

Send the letter if you want to make him happy.

Hoping so much that your belief in your beauty and worth is restored. And that you allow the next man in your life a very long period of time to earn your trust.

But after we are devastated by someone who is cruel, mostly we need to regain our emotional and mental and physical health in a period of solitude. It is always a great risk to enter a new relationship when we are still in tatters.

So some months of flying kites and eating ice cream and feeding the ducks with your children would likely do you a world of good, while you self-examine and continue your recovery from codependence.

If you shred the letter and put it in a nice place in your yard, the birds will line their nests with it.

NYCDoglvr

No. It's simply a way to stay connected to him. You're still hanging on to an active alcoholic.

painterman

I'm constantly amazed at the quality of good advice on here-hope you'll take it!

qbert

I agree as well. I would not send the letter. I have sent MANY to my soon to be ex and it never did any good. Not until I LEFT without him knowing.....For him, reading letters didn't make him see the light or wake up..it was a 2x4 upside his head that made him wake up (not literally - I emptied the house and moved me and son out while he was gone for a week on a fishing trip). Anyway, keep it though for a journal for you. Those are always good to go back and read especially when they are hovering. GOOD LUCK

Mavis1

lots of men have a short attention span. probably won't read the entire thing but I think it's well written!! best of luck, m

m1k3

Wait a minute. I take umbrage at.....Ohhh look! Something shiney!



Your ADD friend,

mamaplus2kids

Thank you everyone! I do feel stronger. In order to feel closure, I need for him to pick up his paintings and his stuff. I also need for him to drop off my key. It's the weekend... I will insist that he do this. I also need for him to send me a final bill for his contracting work. I keep asking for it, but he doesn't send it.