anewperspective

ABF disappeared for an entire week. I was devastated, and it sucked. He calls, then lets me down again by not calling when he says he's gonna. I was so worried he had hurt himself...

But, of course, he hadn't. He was just being in the midst of his cycle, unable to think about anyone but himself in the middle of it. He has been in touch since then. He'll be on his way over soon to give me money for daycare and said he'd like to 'talk'.

He indicated in previous conversations he can't make me happy. But now the tone of his chatter had changed. In regard to our 'talk', I really don't have much to say. But then I get sucked into saying too much and getting my adrenaline running. It drives me bonkers that he thinks he can pretend everything is okay until it's clearly not and he runs away. He isn't taking care of the root of the problems. So, I get heated and try to get the point across to him. I'm realizing this is what he does though, it doesn't lead to actual counseling or attending any part of recovery consistently. Actually, if I listen to what he says, he has no desire to battle the demons of his childhood or of his alcoholism. I wind up being a public service announcement for self-help and recovery....

I was feeling such intense negative emotions during his dissaperance. Now, I feel primarily relief. And I feel kinda like I'm betraying myself for feeling so relieved. This is a man who says he loves me, but his actions show no consideration for me and our son, much less love.

I don't want to set myself up for being hurt again, and history has proved that he'll leave again. But it's a struggle not to give in to this feeling of relief and engage in banter and leave the conversation with us being "together", with no real change occuring.

I could really use some words of hope, strength, and experience....please?
Thank you .... the support here is invaluable.

anewperspective

Anvil...yes! Very true. I've grown, I realize more about myself,, and it's relieving to know that I can name the way I am feeling and why it bothers me. I recently was able to begin to wrap my head around the fact that my self-worth is not where it should be...

If I look at it like a "normal", non ACOA, this behavior is unacceptable from someone who wants to be in a relationship with me. Two years ago, I wasn't able to even begin to tell myself that I actually deserve to be treated correctly, to stand up for myself, and that I'm not in charge of taking care of my romantic partner instead of letting him do it himself.

I've grown and made progress, but have a ways to go, obv. ?
:/

anewperspective

thinking about how to react...
I don't have to say anything. In fact, I have already made it clear how he imapcted me, there's no need to rub it in any longer. Teaching him lessons is not my job.

I don't have to be his counselor.

I can come up with the core things I want to say and continue saying them.

I can say I don't want to talk about certain topics.

skarletstarlet

I too have a cycle of abandonment and return. I leave due to his drinking and return when he promises to change. It is an addiction in and of itself entirely. I want my kids to experience the love of their father, but how can they when he's permanently drunk? How old is your son? My daughter is a very advanced two and refers to beer bottles as "daddy's babas."

anewperspective

Skarlet-my son is shy of two, only 16 months. When he was only a few months old, and my bf offered to get up to watch him, and cracked open a beer at 6 AM, I realized that the impact his drinking would have on my son would be more immediate than I thought. I don't want my son to think that it is typical to need to have a beer in hand at all times, I don't want him to have to wonder what kind of daddy will walk through the door (as I did as a child).

It stinks-I know bf has potential to be a great dad, but that potential can't be reached so long as he is an active A...

In the past two weeks, he's spent two hours with our son & me. It's sad. I don't know how to feel. Relieved that he hasn't been around drunk? Sad that he's missing out on our son? Sad that my son is missing out on having a father? Lonely? I think all of those emotions are appropriate...and okay to feel.