sable1

Does anyone feel like they have become seriously emotionally hardened/ numb?
I do. I know how it started, it started in my childhood with some very painful experiences and lots of abuse and bullying for several years. After that it seems that every person I have known has stabbed me in the back and the few people I have attempted to have relationships with have been abusive assholes (I guess I know how to pick them out to).

Now to get to my point; What is the numbness about? Allready in my relationships and with friends I have gotten complaints about how emotionally unavailable I am and how I'm cold and often act like I don't care. It's not really true that I haven't cared, it's just that my feelings are so deep on the inside that it's almost impossible for me to show them outwards.

I feel very apathetic towards people and life in general. I'm not depressed, it's more like I feel a bit numb. The only feeling that I'm really in touch with and have no problem with showing at all is rage. I guess I'm just a very angry bitter person.
I don't know if the numbness is a good thing or a bad thing, it's good in the way that nobody can really hurt me anymore because there is nothing really "there" to hurt. I have allready been hurt to the point I've shut down my feelings. So it's good as a selfdefence mechanism.

But like I said, I don't really feel excited about life, Well, I do have desires and things that I want to do in my life, feeling like;" this will be challenging and good for me", or; "this will be good for my personal growth". But I'm not really feeling it, it's more on an intellectual level. I don't feel any connection to other people, I have no desire to build friendships or relationships anymore. I don't really feel like I'm alive.

Anyone know anything about this stuff? Is this basicly my personality now, because I basicly don's feel like I have much of a personality, I mean I don't have any strong emotions except for anger. Sucks not having a personality kinda.... I can fake it, but it's not really there. Is this some kind of mental illness or is it just who I am? Does anyone relate to this?

BlueMoon

I can relate to the numbness. For ME, I think it began as a self-defense mechanism – “I don’t feel, therefore YOU can’t hurt me.” sort of thing. Something I needed in childhood that has followed me into adulthood.

I don’t think it’s necessarily good/bad – just that it was NEEDED at one point – now I have the chance to learn to FEEL. There are alot of skills that I never had the opportunity to develop until recently. Inter-personal communications are hard for me. I really think they are for alot of people.


I am bi-polar – I totally relate to “not feeling like I’m alive” – Sounds very much like depressions I tend to fall into. I would suggest seeking the advice of a psychiatrist – the brain is just another organ that malfunctions sometimes . . .

Everyone deserves to wonder “What can I do that would be FUN?” – not just “What would be good for me.”


Blue

Mo S

I too became "numb" to protect myself from abuse/trauma consquences. Not to be graphic, however, my father frequently " beat the emotion out of me". It took lots of therapy for me to learn how to feel as was said above. Feeling- something so natural- was absent from my life. It was very evident in conflicts as a young adult in relationships where i just went numb and it was interpreted as "not caring".

I too have bipolar as well as PTSD. Going numb is a primary symptom of PTSD. Since you had your share of painful experiences as a chilld ; perhaps you may have this condition. Maybe not....I'm no professional.

I do know that building the foundation of sobriety allowed me the strength and freedom to address other underlying issues in my life- including mental illness. (NOT saying you are mentally ill- just speaking for myself) I found several good therapists who worked the 12 steps into dealing with all that stuff. We all deserve to be happy. Some of us just need a little help to get there- just as we did to get sober.

I agree with whats been said.....you have the right to ask for more out of life.

I wish you the best.

Freedom1990

This has also been my personal experience. In creating a foundation in sobriety, I began to open the doors to also healing my mental illness/emotional problems. I address my sobriety through AA, and address my mental health needs through the mental health community, including a therapist and a good psychiatrist.

I know how frustrating that numbness can be. I also had a lot of rage after I got clean/sober.

Sending you hugs of support from Kansas.

blackkitty

Sable, that is exactly how I feel. I feel like I've been hurt and abused for so long, nothing fazes me. I close myself off to people so they can't hurt me anymore! It is a defense mechanism. I"expect"to be hurt by People. I don't trust anyone. Its so bad to be like this, but I can't help it. I get accused of not caring, too. I do care, sometimes though, it just hurts too much. Unlike you, I am severely depressed. My anti depressants only make me be able to function and hold a job. I wish I knew what it felt like to be happy. Anyway, i'm with you. I know exactly how you feel.

sable1

Thanks to everyone for the replies. It's interesting to read about what other peoples experiences with this are.

Mo S: I'm sorry to hear that you were abused. I don't know about PTSD, but I suppose it's something to look into. I've been like this for a long time, so it's something that feels like the normal way to be for me. But I realize that it's not normal when I compare myself to others.

I have gotten more balanced since I stopped drinking, but it's been a slow process. As mentioned; it takes time to come to terms with all the underlying issues once the alcohol is gone.

blackkitty: I relate so much to the part about closing myself off. People have told me that I shouldopen up more, but the problem is; everytime I have opened up, it has been to abusive idiots who have abused my trust. Like you said, it has come to the point where I expect people to hurt me if I give them the chance.
Depression sucks, I know. I used to be, but I can honestly say that I'm not really depressed anymore at least. Just numb and cynical. I know depression is tough to deal with, hopefully you will overcome it in time.

I sometimes try to think that I should be grateful for the bad stuff that has happened. Not easy to be, but I know that on some level they have made me a stronger, wiser person. Would life have been happier without pain? Yeah, probably. But I wouldn't like to trade my experiences with someone who has gone through life completely undamaged either.

Wolf_22

sable1, you've explained in your post how I've felt for the past 5 or 6 years. Without going into my experiences, I'll just say that it sounds like to me that you're defending yourself, maybe on a somewhat autonomous level. In other words, I think it's a defense mechanism due to all the pain you've experienced and on top of that, this level of defense only increases when you lack people in your support network to confide in.

It's always been my experience that the older I got, the less likely my family was to help with things like this. It's like they lack the expertise required to assist in "life situations" and instead of even trying to help, they simply either change the subject or tell me to wave my balls at my problems (for lack of a better way of describing it).

Family aside, I've never really found anyone in my friendships that could both provide sound (and useful) input while being mature enough to actually be capable of handling the issues / dialog. I've found maybe 1 or 2 people in my whole life who could, and not surprisingly, that eventually ran its course...

The only thing I can advise is to either keep pushing forward trying to meet new people (I wish I could follow my own advice on this) or seek professional assistance to help you get back on track with things. The counseling I'm eluding to here is contingent upon whether you can find someone qualified and retrofit to your personality well enough to be capable of being a supplement to your development. In other words, you can't just expect instant results if you by chance find a counselor to speak to whom you don't really mix well with... It sometimes just takes times, or, it sometimes requires you to try out different counselors before you find that one who really knows how to unlock doors in your mind. These people seem to be very difficult to find, but when you do find one, man, it's amazing.

Beyond this, I just hope you're able to weather the storm we both seem to be experiencing. Mine was caused by heartbreak. lol.

Threshold

I've been mulling this over for a few days not sure if I was ready to post, or had anything to say on it.

About a year ago I began reading on the subject of emotional unavailability, mostly because of some experiences with people I was in relationships with.

Turns out that often people who are emotionally unavailable themselves seek other such out. People with committment issues, narcissists, addicts, etc.

This caused me to take a closer look at myself. I always thought ( and was often accused of) being TOO emotional. But upon further analyzing my behavior, feelings, and choices I started to realize that while I act certain ways, emotionally I do hold myself back.

I am a generous person materially, and often with my time as well. Doing little nice things for people, listening to my friends situations etc. But inside I have this "safe room" that no one is allowed inside of. I think this is normal to an extent, but some of us have locked ourselves deep inside.

I've had friends who have told me that while I can be so warm one moment, they can see me the next day and I am totally closed off, steely eyes etc.

I've simply had to do so many many things in my life, from the time of toddlerhood even that were soul searing, that I learned to close off my emotions so I could do what needed to be done.

So many things in life were painful or overwhelming that eventually I spent more and more time being removed from emotions. I feel things inside, somewhere, somehow. In an intellectual sense, but then I do these steely cold things, or watch the world go by with no sense of attachment, or walk away from people and situations without a backwards glance.

But later alone, often my emotions overwhelm me, but I will not let others get the better of me in any way that they can see. And I go into a near trance state at times, grit my teeth and get through my day. The last thing I need, when I am putting so much energy into protecting my safe room, is someone to come knocking on my door wanting "in" in an emotional sense.

I've used drinking/drugs and other not so good behaviors to numb myself when I am all alone from the overwhelming feelings. Even my safe room isn't safe anymore.

sable1

Thank you, and let me just say that you described my feelings exactly! I can be warm and open with people... to a point. Then I completely turn around and pretty much shut myself off. Especielly if I can sense that someone is trying to get close to me.

I can listen to peoples problems, be warm and kind and understanding, but when it comes to letting them in, when it's time for me to be the person to share my story or cry on somebodys shoulder, I simply can't do it. My experiences are locked so deep inside of me, I just can't handle to really open up and be vulnerable.

And the thing you said about watching the world go by while feeling detached, that describes my feelings as well.

sable1

Hello. I've read some of your threads here on the forum, so I know a little bit about what you're referring to. It's very likely that it's a defense mechanism, and the fact that I have become increasingly isolated has probably made the defense even bigger.

As far as family goes, I don't think they have ever been to much help when it comes to these things. I'm only 24, so I still hope that maybe someday I will "grow out of it".

Thanks for the reply

Threshold

sable, I am 46, and in doing my step work in recovery I realize over and over again how I never grew up in many areas. And now I am thinking, how can a person grow THEMSELVES up?!

If possible, a therapist, support group or even some good books on the subject might help you "grow out of it", because it may not happen on it's own...may need something to help hold you up along the way, like we put a stake for a tomato plant!

You have many years of life and many relationships ahead of you, so many benefits for you and those around you if you are able to break through.

no reason to do it alone if we don't have to.

lifeinablur

i can totally relate to this. i feel the same way...

just lurking along, you already said it all.

ainsley1

I'm jealous, I wish I could be numb. I continually get hurt over and over again and it sucks.