I Cant Stop Lying
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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I Cant Stop Lying
33 days sober
When I was drinking I had a go-to lie when new people I met asked about what I do for a living. I would tell them I had been layed off by a well known local company, that was well known for its lay-offs. That was usually the end of the convo, they understood. Truth is, I havent worked in years...like years & years...my drinking consumed me and even if I had a job, I would not have lasted long. I never worked for the company that my go-to lie was about. But, while drinking, if I tried to tell someone new the truth about not working in forever, they would either then want to "fix me" and try and push me to get employment, or they would take an immediate disliking towards me and write me off as a lazy bum (which, I was, but I didnt want someone I dont know pigeon-holing that way). That is why I lied. Its no excuse, I hate myself for doing it.
The story gets worse because the first AA meeting I walked into, was awesome and I met a lot of people I now call/see daily, and consider friends. The "gets worse" part is that while surrounded by my now friends (including my now Sponsor) that first night in a meeting & still very much a broken down alcoholic (12 days sober, but had done nothing to rebuild myself otherwise) I told that same lie about past employment. Now that I know these people as friends, they remember my "story" and they ask about my job search and about said job I was fake laid off from.
Honestly, I want to just come clean and tell them all the truth. Scratch that, I KNOW I NEED to come clean and tell them all the truth. Basically I hate myself for lying & am afraid if I dont come clean ASAP it will poison my AA journey and eventually threaten my sobriety.
When I was drinking I had a go-to lie when new people I met asked about what I do for a living. I would tell them I had been layed off by a well known local company, that was well known for its lay-offs. That was usually the end of the convo, they understood. Truth is, I havent worked in years...like years & years...my drinking consumed me and even if I had a job, I would not have lasted long. I never worked for the company that my go-to lie was about. But, while drinking, if I tried to tell someone new the truth about not working in forever, they would either then want to "fix me" and try and push me to get employment, or they would take an immediate disliking towards me and write me off as a lazy bum (which, I was, but I didnt want someone I dont know pigeon-holing that way). That is why I lied. Its no excuse, I hate myself for doing it.
The story gets worse because the first AA meeting I walked into, was awesome and I met a lot of people I now call/see daily, and consider friends. The "gets worse" part is that while surrounded by my now friends (including my now Sponsor) that first night in a meeting & still very much a broken down alcoholic (12 days sober, but had done nothing to rebuild myself otherwise) I told that same lie about past employment. Now that I know these people as friends, they remember my "story" and they ask about my job search and about said job I was fake laid off from.
Honestly, I want to just come clean and tell them all the truth. Scratch that, I KNOW I NEED to come clean and tell them all the truth. Basically I hate myself for lying & am afraid if I dont come clean ASAP it will poison my AA journey and eventually threaten my sobriety.
MINEr
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Bay Area, Ca
Posts: 505
At some point in their early sobriety, there is a good chance most of them lied out of shame too. Coming clean is a vital part of recovering from that shame. A good part of the AA process is stripping away all the facades we use to make ourselves "presentable" to society, leaving a raw product upon which to rebuild a solid person based in solid spiritual principles. It suck sometimes, but it is a necessary step. Best of luck.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
I lied a lot - it got to the point I was llying for no real reason.
One of the good things about recovery is I feel good about who I am - I don't have to lie anymore and I don't want to...
Unburden yourself...have a little faith....just lay it out like you did here Shane - honesty and openly - real friends will understand
D
One of the good things about recovery is I feel good about who I am - I don't have to lie anymore and I don't want to...
Unburden yourself...have a little faith....just lay it out like you did here Shane - honesty and openly - real friends will understand
D
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Hey Shane...You work history sounds a lot like mine...Probably a lot like 3/4 of the people in that room...Anything that threatens your sobriety....Has to be dealt with ASAP....Because if you don't...You'll be right back where you were when you started this journey...I don't think you want that...This is what you have to do...Pray for strength...Use your Higher Power...That's what it's there for...You said you know what you have to do...Say in the meeting today...I told you people something in my first meeting that wasn't true...I was scared and I was a broken down alcoholic...Your words...The truth...If you aren't looking for work now...Tell them....Myself Shane...When I quit drinking I didn't even look for work for six months...I borrowed money from a brother to live off...I made fixing my life my full time job....I recommend you do the same..You'll be surprised by the outcome from coming clean...You'll gain respect from them....And from yourself....And you deserve it. It's not like your fessing up to stealing all the collection money....It was about a job you didn't have...Because you were scared at the time...to make yourself look better.....Make it short and sweet...Just make it the truth....It will start to become a habit with you...If you want to run this by your sponsor first....And you should...I bet you hear something simialar....Have a great meeting Shane. I already know you'll learn something..
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Yeah, I just need to free myself from the lies I told. Its kindve eating me up inside. I want to start with my Sponsor, but honestly lately we've been playing phone tag or when together, we are in a meeting or with a bunch of buds eating afterwards. This needs to be a private convo, and there hasnt been a chance last several days. Must admit, at times Ive been frustrated about the phone tag with him. Still a somewhat alien concept to me to call male friends every day, and to not be annoyed when they dont/cant answer.
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I'll tell you what Shane...If you're not getting what you need out of your sponsor...Who should be the most important person in your life right now as far as AA recovery goes...I'd be honest with him too...You can get another if you want one...You're job is to do what you have to do to not drink and get the steps done...His job is to guide you...If he's not guiding you..Talk to him..Pray on that too Shane....You have to learn to use prayer...That's the best tool you got.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
If you clean up the lie in your next group pitch you'll lose the anxiety. You'll lie again, but you'll know to clean it up quickly now.
When you're at coffee in a group and want to talk, let your sponsor know and move off to a vacant table. Or, snag him in the parkinglot and sit in his car for a bit. As wonderful as he may be his mindreading skills are probably limited.
When you're at coffee in a group and want to talk, let your sponsor know and move off to a vacant table. Or, snag him in the parkinglot and sit in his car for a bit. As wonderful as he may be his mindreading skills are probably limited.
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OK, I have a question here. What is everyones take on emailing your sponsor?
I ask only for a middle of the night type situation (like this) that probably doesnt require a wake-up phone call, but needs to be said asap. He always says call him anytime no matter what. But I cant bring myself to do that unless Im desperate. Due to my insomnia I sleep during the day, so I come up with ideas/questions in middle of night that I could email but wouldnt call at 4am about...I ask because the whole sponsor thing seems to be more about face 2 face stuff.
I ask only for a middle of the night type situation (like this) that probably doesnt require a wake-up phone call, but needs to be said asap. He always says call him anytime no matter what. But I cant bring myself to do that unless Im desperate. Due to my insomnia I sleep during the day, so I come up with ideas/questions in middle of night that I could email but wouldnt call at 4am about...I ask because the whole sponsor thing seems to be more about face 2 face stuff.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Hi Shane,
When I read your post my reaction was, it is so great when people are honest and come clean. I have the upmost respect for you.
I understand your frustration re your sponsor but perhaps you need to stress that you need to talk ASAP. It is important, that person has volunteered to sponsor you and with that comes the responsibility of being available at critical times. IMO.
All the best
CaiHong
When I read your post my reaction was, it is so great when people are honest and come clean. I have the upmost respect for you.
I understand your frustration re your sponsor but perhaps you need to stress that you need to talk ASAP. It is important, that person has volunteered to sponsor you and with that comes the responsibility of being available at critical times. IMO.
All the best
CaiHong
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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CH is right. You wouldn't want to call at 2am every night but your sponsor has accepted the obligation to answer the phone anytime and talk with you.
I sponsor a guy with your kind of sleep schedule. He knows he can call anytime but finds that writing out an email works well for him. Might be worth trying to see if it does for you too.
Thing to remember is that many situations appear differently in the dead of night than they do in the light of day.
I sponsor a guy with your kind of sleep schedule. He knows he can call anytime but finds that writing out an email works well for him. Might be worth trying to see if it does for you too.
Thing to remember is that many situations appear differently in the dead of night than they do in the light of day.
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Originally Posted by langkah 
Thing to remember is that many situations appear differently in the dead of night than they do in the light of day.
I recognize that Im not relaying things that bother me, to my sponsor, the way I should. Ive had a hard time with the "they are there for you 24/7" part of it. Like as if the fact that someone I met recently is willing to help me with anything...that just doesnt compute with me. Im not used to having support like that from a buddy that Ive only known for a short time. Longterm friends, sure. Girlfriend, sure. Family, of course. But its just a learning curve with the sponsor thing....
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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Well, you told us. Give yourself some credit for that.
If I were someone's sponsor, I would expect it to be not always convenient for my sleep schedule. But if they woke me up every night with random worries, I'd probably tell them that wasn't working for me.
And: I personally find email the very best form of communication short of sitting together over coffee.
If I were someone's sponsor, I would expect it to be not always convenient for my sleep schedule. But if they woke me up every night with random worries, I'd probably tell them that wasn't working for me.
And: I personally find email the very best form of communication short of sitting together over coffee.
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Email works....At least it allows you to let it go..This is a sample of early conversations with my sponsor...
Me....Hey...How you doing?....I have a little problem...
My Sponsor....Did you pray on it first?....'Click'
Me....Hey...How you doing?....I have a little problem...
My Sponsor....Did you pray on it first?....'Click'
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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'Like as if the fact that someone I met recently is willing to help me with anything...that just doesnt compute with me. Im not used to having support like that from a buddy that Ive only known for a short time.'
Down the road when you're sitting in your car listening to a newcomer babble while he's coming off the booze hard until you notice the dawn coming up and realize you've got a hard day at work coming, remember your amazement at the limitless free help you received when you were new and have a good long laugh.
It certainly does create an obligation. Not to those who helped you, they want nothing from you at all. You're obligated someday to have some drunk nut heave his guts out all over your new car and still smilingly pick him up the next night. Things like that.
Nothing's free, and the payback for all that no-strings help you're getting now is nothing short of frigging huge, man. If it works right you'll be sorely inconvenienced often the rest of your life. And you'll be grateful for it because it gives a great meaning to your life. Children will be born solely because you put in time with a new guy who then stayed sober and saved his marriage. Innocents will not die because your new guy is in a meeting instead of drunk on the road or inspired with the crazy drunk notion his wife is cheating.
Take the people helping you for everything they can give you without the least guilt. With luck you'll be paying a lot of it back and never draw even.
Down the road when you're sitting in your car listening to a newcomer babble while he's coming off the booze hard until you notice the dawn coming up and realize you've got a hard day at work coming, remember your amazement at the limitless free help you received when you were new and have a good long laugh.
It certainly does create an obligation. Not to those who helped you, they want nothing from you at all. You're obligated someday to have some drunk nut heave his guts out all over your new car and still smilingly pick him up the next night. Things like that.
Nothing's free, and the payback for all that no-strings help you're getting now is nothing short of frigging huge, man. If it works right you'll be sorely inconvenienced often the rest of your life. And you'll be grateful for it because it gives a great meaning to your life. Children will be born solely because you put in time with a new guy who then stayed sober and saved his marriage. Innocents will not die because your new guy is in a meeting instead of drunk on the road or inspired with the crazy drunk notion his wife is cheating.
Take the people helping you for everything they can give you without the least guilt. With luck you'll be paying a lot of it back and never draw even.
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Wow, that was way profound, langkah. Thank you for that.
And thank you to everyone else for all the posts.
Sapling - As always I appreciate your insight etc. Thanks for that. Right now, Im just at step 2 where I have to define my Higher Power...once Im confident in that definition, the praying may come later. I wasnt raised religious...Sundays were for sleeping off hangovers and watching football. Id say Im Agnostic, or a non-committal Atheist. But Im open to explore other areas of spirituality as I continue on my journey...may fit the new me.
And thank you to everyone else for all the posts.
Sapling - As always I appreciate your insight etc. Thanks for that. Right now, Im just at step 2 where I have to define my Higher Power...once Im confident in that definition, the praying may come later. I wasnt raised religious...Sundays were for sleeping off hangovers and watching football. Id say Im Agnostic, or a non-committal Atheist. But Im open to explore other areas of spirituality as I continue on my journey...may fit the new me.
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Originally Posted by Sapling
You can use my Higher Power if you want...Or just use the group till you find one...Prayer just takes practice...Like everything else....Great post Langkah...
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Originally Posted by ShaneW
Yeah, Im sortve hovering over Humanism right now. In which my Higher Power would be the overall goodness in humanity. Like how complete strangers are willing to help a drunk get sober and stay sober. Or how people put their lives on the line in an attempt to help the common good.
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Try this Shane...Give it a name...Any name you want...Ask it in the morning to keep you from a drink...If you haven't had one by nighttime....Say...Thanks...Try it a week...That's prayer...
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