Skeptical About His Recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1
Skeptical About His Recovery
Hello, Im new to the forum...actually this is the first forum and/or group I have ever joined. But I have no one to talk to or turn to regarding my recovering alcoholic husband.
We have been married for 28 year, we have 3 grown children and 3 grandchildren. He is a hard worker and a caring/compassionate person.
My husband has always drank since I met him. But it started out more casually, not everyday. It turned into everyday, every event, any reason to drink. He quit doing things with his family because he could not drink around them. He has embarassed me at just about every function that we have attended together and/or function our children have been in, including our childrens weddings. He has also gone to church after drinking a 6 pack.
He was never abusive physically, but I would have to walk on egg shells because he was capable of getting mad very quickly and over very minor things and he would shout and be very dominating.
I always kept my mouth shut to keep the peace and to help hide the problem from others.
Approximately 5 years ago he started lying to me about drinking, how much, how often, what time he would get off work and etc. He has always only drank beer. Now granted he would drink 12-30 12 ounce beers per day after work. If it was not an out right lie he would play word manipulation games (being very precise about the words that he used). The last two years I spent trying to guilt him into quitting..that didnt work. We tried marriage counseling...that didnt work.
I concentrated so much on trying to detect his drinking that I became obsessed. But I also became very very good at detecting the small differences in him that only happened when he drank. I had to stop telling him how I knew because once he found out he would change his behavior to hide the fact. He would continually promise to stop, lie to me that he stopped until I found out. Then he would deny what I could not absolutely prove 100%. He would start drinking again and the circle would continue. But I always had this gut instinct, I could feel it. He would make me feel crazy..like I didnt know what I was talking about. But each time he would apologize and promise to quit, he would tell me that I was right all those times.
For some reason in August he stopped. I knew he stopped by his attitude, his actions, his words. It was fabulous, I could feel in my gut that it was real. Our relationship improved, we communicated about things and wanted to spend time together again.
But since January all those old feelings of doubt have been creeping back. Some of his old behaviors have returned. I asked him once and he stated that he has not drank beer, but did drink some Yukon Jack. He has just recently admitted to me that since January he has bought and drank 1/2 pint of Yukon Jack twice since January.
Should I be worried? Should I trust my instincts? Or am I just over-reacting?
Sorry for such a long post. I just have no one to ask, no one who has walked in my shoes.
We have been married for 28 year, we have 3 grown children and 3 grandchildren. He is a hard worker and a caring/compassionate person.
My husband has always drank since I met him. But it started out more casually, not everyday. It turned into everyday, every event, any reason to drink. He quit doing things with his family because he could not drink around them. He has embarassed me at just about every function that we have attended together and/or function our children have been in, including our childrens weddings. He has also gone to church after drinking a 6 pack.
He was never abusive physically, but I would have to walk on egg shells because he was capable of getting mad very quickly and over very minor things and he would shout and be very dominating.
I always kept my mouth shut to keep the peace and to help hide the problem from others.
Approximately 5 years ago he started lying to me about drinking, how much, how often, what time he would get off work and etc. He has always only drank beer. Now granted he would drink 12-30 12 ounce beers per day after work. If it was not an out right lie he would play word manipulation games (being very precise about the words that he used). The last two years I spent trying to guilt him into quitting..that didnt work. We tried marriage counseling...that didnt work.
I concentrated so much on trying to detect his drinking that I became obsessed. But I also became very very good at detecting the small differences in him that only happened when he drank. I had to stop telling him how I knew because once he found out he would change his behavior to hide the fact. He would continually promise to stop, lie to me that he stopped until I found out. Then he would deny what I could not absolutely prove 100%. He would start drinking again and the circle would continue. But I always had this gut instinct, I could feel it. He would make me feel crazy..like I didnt know what I was talking about. But each time he would apologize and promise to quit, he would tell me that I was right all those times.
For some reason in August he stopped. I knew he stopped by his attitude, his actions, his words. It was fabulous, I could feel in my gut that it was real. Our relationship improved, we communicated about things and wanted to spend time together again.
But since January all those old feelings of doubt have been creeping back. Some of his old behaviors have returned. I asked him once and he stated that he has not drank beer, but did drink some Yukon Jack. He has just recently admitted to me that since January he has bought and drank 1/2 pint of Yukon Jack twice since January.
Should I be worried? Should I trust my instincts? Or am I just over-reacting?
Sorry for such a long post. I just have no one to ask, no one who has walked in my shoes.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. You are not alone. We understand.
I encourage you to read some of the sticky posts (older, permanent posts at the top of this forum's main page). Some of our stories are in those stickies, and I am always finding wisdom in those posts.
I have learned (through Alanon and here at SR) to trust my instincts. If your instincts tell you he is drinking, I bet he is drinking.
Will you get hime to admit to this? Not likely.
Does it matter? What was important to me was to look at the overall behavior. Was the behavior acceptable to me? Was I being treated with respect as an equal partner in the relationship?
Have you tried attending local Alanon meetings?
I found tools to help me live a better life through Alanon meetings.
I found support to realize that I can trust my instincts, I do make good decisions, and I can learn to take better care of myself (by letting go of outcomes)
Keep coming back and sharing. We care about YOU!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. You are not alone. We understand.
I encourage you to read some of the sticky posts (older, permanent posts at the top of this forum's main page). Some of our stories are in those stickies, and I am always finding wisdom in those posts.
I have learned (through Alanon and here at SR) to trust my instincts. If your instincts tell you he is drinking, I bet he is drinking.
Will you get hime to admit to this? Not likely.
Does it matter? What was important to me was to look at the overall behavior. Was the behavior acceptable to me? Was I being treated with respect as an equal partner in the relationship?
Have you tried attending local Alanon meetings?
I found tools to help me live a better life through Alanon meetings.
I found support to realize that I can trust my instincts, I do make good decisions, and I can learn to take better care of myself (by letting go of outcomes)
Keep coming back and sharing. We care about YOU!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi grandmabird and welcome-
someone here said to me once "if you believe anything an active alcoholic says, you'll have to take responsibility for that". i didn't believe them.
i do now.
everything you have described is oh so common: the lying, the hiding, the meanness, the apologies.
what we do here at SR is we begin at step one, to acknowledge that we are powerless over alcohol. then, we shift our focus away from the alcoholic (who we accept we can not change) and put the focus back onto ourselves (who we can change).
slowly, as our focus changes and we learn new healthy ways of dealing, the situation with our alcoholic changes too. not that they are doing anything different, but we are.
i would recommend that you pull up a seat, read as much as you can and begin your journey with us. it takes time to break this cycle. it's hard work but well worth it.
one last thing, i would always trust your intuition. you can not believe what he says. he's proven he will lie. ok. it's really not your problem, it's his problem.
as you go down this road, should you choose to, you will learn how to set effective boundaries. you will learn what you are willing to accept and what you are not. you will learn you part in enabling his disease and you will cease those behaviors.
welcome again.
naive
someone here said to me once "if you believe anything an active alcoholic says, you'll have to take responsibility for that". i didn't believe them.
i do now.
everything you have described is oh so common: the lying, the hiding, the meanness, the apologies.
what we do here at SR is we begin at step one, to acknowledge that we are powerless over alcohol. then, we shift our focus away from the alcoholic (who we accept we can not change) and put the focus back onto ourselves (who we can change).
slowly, as our focus changes and we learn new healthy ways of dealing, the situation with our alcoholic changes too. not that they are doing anything different, but we are.
i would recommend that you pull up a seat, read as much as you can and begin your journey with us. it takes time to break this cycle. it's hard work but well worth it.
one last thing, i would always trust your intuition. you can not believe what he says. he's proven he will lie. ok. it's really not your problem, it's his problem.
as you go down this road, should you choose to, you will learn how to set effective boundaries. you will learn what you are willing to accept and what you are not. you will learn you part in enabling his disease and you will cease those behaviors.
welcome again.
naive
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