New here and needing advice, encouragement
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: South Florida
Posts: 9
New here and needing advice, encouragement
Hi all,
I was googling tonight and found you all - thank goodness! My husband of almost 8 years approached me about 10 days ago after dinner and, with much difficulty, told me he has been drinking heavily throughout the day several days a week in addition to our "regular" drinking which includes wine with dinner maybe 1-2 nights a week for the past 6 months and on the occasional Friday night out to dinner. He described himself as a "horrible drunk" who needed help. I was shocked to put it mildly because I had absolutely no idea that he was drinking any time except when we were together (the only times we are really apart are when he is at work from 7:00am to 7:00pm - but that is when he was drinking). Now looking back there are certainly signs, like excessive tiredness at night (justified by him and in my mind because he gets up at 4:30 every day) and a few other things but I had no reason to think he was drinking during the day. He has always liked to drink a little too frequently and I have on more occasions than I can count suggested to him that I felt like he was teetering on the verge of a problem but I would never have imagined he would get to this point. He is a "functioning alcoholic" who is spiraling out of control.
Fortunately his job is going fine for now, our 3 children have no idea (7, 5 and 2) and he recognizes he has a serious problem and needs help. He went to an AA meeting last week but apparently it was more of an NA meeting and he felt a little out of place. We found an outpatient treatment facility nearby that he will be talking to tomorrow. I'm scared and nervous because I don't know what this all means for him, for us, and for our family. He is a wonderful husband and father but I feel so betrayed, kwim? He has been hiding this from me for 6 months and then even after admitting to me, it turns out that he has still been drinking (granted, to a lesser degree but he told me he would tell me if he had had a drink, guess that was naive on my part to believe that would happen). He just admitted that to me tonight and while I am not THAT surprised I am (1) upset that he feels like he has to continue to lie (I have been very supportive of him) and (2) now questioning if any of what he told me tonight is true regarding how much he has been consuming these past 10 days. And while I know lying is part of the whole deal, how do I cope with that without feeling really pissed off and resentful? We have always had a really strong marriage but how do you successfully help your spouse get through this, help yourself get through this and not let it destroy your relationship (assuming they get and stay sober)?
If you made it through this looong post, God bless you! :-)
I was googling tonight and found you all - thank goodness! My husband of almost 8 years approached me about 10 days ago after dinner and, with much difficulty, told me he has been drinking heavily throughout the day several days a week in addition to our "regular" drinking which includes wine with dinner maybe 1-2 nights a week for the past 6 months and on the occasional Friday night out to dinner. He described himself as a "horrible drunk" who needed help. I was shocked to put it mildly because I had absolutely no idea that he was drinking any time except when we were together (the only times we are really apart are when he is at work from 7:00am to 7:00pm - but that is when he was drinking). Now looking back there are certainly signs, like excessive tiredness at night (justified by him and in my mind because he gets up at 4:30 every day) and a few other things but I had no reason to think he was drinking during the day. He has always liked to drink a little too frequently and I have on more occasions than I can count suggested to him that I felt like he was teetering on the verge of a problem but I would never have imagined he would get to this point. He is a "functioning alcoholic" who is spiraling out of control.
Fortunately his job is going fine for now, our 3 children have no idea (7, 5 and 2) and he recognizes he has a serious problem and needs help. He went to an AA meeting last week but apparently it was more of an NA meeting and he felt a little out of place. We found an outpatient treatment facility nearby that he will be talking to tomorrow. I'm scared and nervous because I don't know what this all means for him, for us, and for our family. He is a wonderful husband and father but I feel so betrayed, kwim? He has been hiding this from me for 6 months and then even after admitting to me, it turns out that he has still been drinking (granted, to a lesser degree but he told me he would tell me if he had had a drink, guess that was naive on my part to believe that would happen). He just admitted that to me tonight and while I am not THAT surprised I am (1) upset that he feels like he has to continue to lie (I have been very supportive of him) and (2) now questioning if any of what he told me tonight is true regarding how much he has been consuming these past 10 days. And while I know lying is part of the whole deal, how do I cope with that without feeling really pissed off and resentful? We have always had a really strong marriage but how do you successfully help your spouse get through this, help yourself get through this and not let it destroy your relationship (assuming they get and stay sober)?
If you made it through this looong post, God bless you! :-)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 22
I'm glad you're sticking by him! I just joined this site today also, pursuing some encouragement to reach sobriety. I, too, am a "functioning alcoholic" - a lot of people see me as Super Woman, honor student. But the lying - at least in my case - is a result of not wanting to let your loved ones down.
It's a shameful feeling, and the shame grows the longer you hold it. Appreciate him for telling you now rather than never. And its okay to be upset! Just be sure to recognize what a great wife you must be if he feels you're the one person he could finally open up to.
It's a shameful feeling, and the shame grows the longer you hold it. Appreciate him for telling you now rather than never. And its okay to be upset! Just be sure to recognize what a great wife you must be if he feels you're the one person he could finally open up to.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 22
I'm glad you're sticking by him! I just joined this site today also, pursuing some encouragement to reach sobriety. I, too, am a "functioning alcoholic" - a lot of people see me as Super Woman, honor student. But the lying - at least in my case - is a result of not wanting to let your loved ones down.
It's a shameful feeling, and the shame grows the longer you hold it. Appreciate him for telling you now rather than never. And its okay to be upset! Just be sure to recognize what a great wife you must be if he feels you're the one person he could finally open up to.
It's a shameful feeling, and the shame grows the longer you hold it. Appreciate him for telling you now rather than never. And its okay to be upset! Just be sure to recognize what a great wife you must be if he feels you're the one person he could finally open up to.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome to SR. I'm glad both you and your husband are seeking help. There are links at the top of the forum page ("Sticky") which will educate you about addiction and about your part as a codependent.
Addiction will protect itself and it is very unlikely your husband will quit drinking immediately even though he says he needs and wants to and intends to. He will drink, then lie about his drinking.
Alcoholism is an uncontrollable compulsion to drink. He has lost choice, and he will not be able to predict when, where, or how much he will drink. This means that he may be driving drunk and may be driving drunk with your children in the car. Even if he does not look or act drunk.
Until he receives treatment and has maintained sobriety for several months, I would expect him to lie and also I would not leave town and allow him solo supervision of the children. He may promise he will not drink. But alcoholics cannot keep their promises.
You have a lot of work ahead of you to address your own feelings, expectations, and distorted thinking. Alcoholism has affected you in ways you may not know, but with help, you will feel stronger and less afraid.
Some fortunate people realize early in their disease that they need help and they get it and have good lives in sobriety. I sincerely hope that is so for your husband.
Please consider Al-Anon meetings. Spouses of alcoholics suffer most in isolation and the meetings will help you keep your sanity.
Wishing you all the best and welcome. Many here will help you.
Addiction will protect itself and it is very unlikely your husband will quit drinking immediately even though he says he needs and wants to and intends to. He will drink, then lie about his drinking.
Alcoholism is an uncontrollable compulsion to drink. He has lost choice, and he will not be able to predict when, where, or how much he will drink. This means that he may be driving drunk and may be driving drunk with your children in the car. Even if he does not look or act drunk.
Until he receives treatment and has maintained sobriety for several months, I would expect him to lie and also I would not leave town and allow him solo supervision of the children. He may promise he will not drink. But alcoholics cannot keep their promises.
You have a lot of work ahead of you to address your own feelings, expectations, and distorted thinking. Alcoholism has affected you in ways you may not know, but with help, you will feel stronger and less afraid.
Some fortunate people realize early in their disease that they need help and they get it and have good lives in sobriety. I sincerely hope that is so for your husband.
Please consider Al-Anon meetings. Spouses of alcoholics suffer most in isolation and the meetings will help you keep your sanity.
Wishing you all the best and welcome. Many here will help you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome to SR, JHJT. What a shocker this must be for you.
But I think what surprises me more is his willingness to come to you. That doesn't happen here often. I know it wasn't the case for me, either. So for one, I would give him a big hug for being humble enough to come forth and bear his demons.
If there's one bit of advice I could give here, it would be to let him continue to find his own way. He seems to be fully aware his drinking is out of control to the point of feeling the need to hide it from you (and probably everyone else). He sounds like a grown up to me! Let him continue to be just that - a grown man who can find his own way.
Read all you can about alcoholism. Talk to people. Go to an open AA meeting and an Al-Anon meeting (or 10). Ask others how they have dealt with their situations.
And keep coming back.
Prayers to you and your family tonight!
~T
But I think what surprises me more is his willingness to come to you. That doesn't happen here often. I know it wasn't the case for me, either. So for one, I would give him a big hug for being humble enough to come forth and bear his demons.
If there's one bit of advice I could give here, it would be to let him continue to find his own way. He seems to be fully aware his drinking is out of control to the point of feeling the need to hide it from you (and probably everyone else). He sounds like a grown up to me! Let him continue to be just that - a grown man who can find his own way.
Read all you can about alcoholism. Talk to people. Go to an open AA meeting and an Al-Anon meeting (or 10). Ask others how they have dealt with their situations.
And keep coming back.
Prayers to you and your family tonight!
~T
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: South Florida
Posts: 9
To Hopefulhopeful - I wish you all the best in your recovery. I'm glad you replied.to my post because it is interesting to hear the point of view from someone (other than my husband) who is in the same situation (particularly regarding the lying) . I hope you find lots of support here!
To EnglishGarden - thank you for the insight and advice. I will definitely be reading through the stickiies. I need to read, read, read and get help because as much as I know in my mind that he has a disease and he can't control his drinking, I struggle with why he can't just get it under control. And I find myself feeling a little bit like "why is he doing to to ME?" (I know he is not "doing this to me" but that feeling does sneak in if I let it).
And just to address your comments re: leaving him alone with kids orr driving with kids...neither one of those will be happening for sure. Fortunately, he never has to be alone with them because I am always here and my mom is always atoud helping wih the kiddos. Also, I do all the driving because my car is the only one that fits the whole gang. But in any event, I am going to be extra cautious now.
To EnglishGarden - thank you for the insight and advice. I will definitely be reading through the stickiies. I need to read, read, read and get help because as much as I know in my mind that he has a disease and he can't control his drinking, I struggle with why he can't just get it under control. And I find myself feeling a little bit like "why is he doing to to ME?" (I know he is not "doing this to me" but that feeling does sneak in if I let it).
And just to address your comments re: leaving him alone with kids orr driving with kids...neither one of those will be happening for sure. Fortunately, he never has to be alone with them because I am always here and my mom is always atoud helping wih the kiddos. Also, I do all the driving because my car is the only one that fits the whole gang. But in any event, I am going to be extra cautious now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: South Florida
Posts: 9
Tuffgirl - I DID give him a big hug for coming to me with it! He was so humiliated and embarassed that I couldn't help but feel bad for him and at the same time respect him for having the courage to tell me. Honestly, I had no idea which is particularly surprising in light of the fact that I have always been critical of his drinking and hyper-aware of how much he drinks and how it is affecting him. The ironic thing is that I was ALL OVER him when he used to have 4 beers instead of the 2 I thought was apppropriate at a football game or when he would have a second glass of wine. The fact that it spiraled out of control like it did and I was clueless is still shocking to me. I have to say that I am so glad he came to me and it wasn't a matter of me suspecting and questioning him, harassing him, snooping, etc. I think I would have driven myself crazy with worry and anxiety and feeling out of control. By him coming to me and taking the initiative to get help, I know that he wants it and isn't just half-heartedly seeking help to placate me.
I am trying to let him find his way because I know he really wants help. It's hard for me because I tend to be a little controlling and want to make sure he does what he needs to do ASAP but I'm trying to keep my mouth shut and just be supportive. Not always easy!
I am trying to let him find his way because I know he really wants help. It's hard for me because I tend to be a little controlling and want to make sure he does what he needs to do ASAP but I'm trying to keep my mouth shut and just be supportive. Not always easy!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
I think it's very unusual for an alcoholic to admit they have a problem. My wife, I believe honestly, said that she didn't know she was an alcoholic until the day before she went into rehab--and by that point everyone knew she was an alcoholic.
A lot of alcoholics feel a tremendous amount of shame about being unable to control their drinking...and being unable to control their drinking is pretty much the definition of being an alcoholic. Lying? I think that's just something that active alcoholics do. They do whatever is necessary to maintain their addiction. It sounds like, in a moment of clarity, your husband was willing to admit that he has a problem, but now he's backpedaling. That's just a symptom of his addiction.
If you want advice, insist that he get treatment. It's an opportunity for him to get sober, and hopefully once the immediate effects of the alcohol are gone, he'll have enough clarity to continue that sobriety. The treatment center will give him tools to keep him sober, and they'll get him in touch with an AA group that he can fit in with. But this advice comes with a warning: his recovery is really up to him. He has a disease that kills...so this really is a life and death struggle for him. Yes, it's that important.
I was helpful for me to recognize that my wife had a disease. And that when she lied to me or when she chose drinking over our relationship it wasn't about me...it was about her and her addiction. Once he's been through treatment, you can hold him responsible for his actions. Right now, if you can, forgive him and blame it on the disease.
When your husband goes into treatment, ask them if they have a program for the family. If they have meetings or classes you can go to...do it. It will help. And whether they do or they don't, find a local Al-Anon meeting and go to it. It will give you tools that will help you whether your husband is in recovery or not. At the very least, it's a great support group. The people there will never judge you, and they understand exactly what you're going through.
I wish you well on your journey. This may seem scary...but like all of life's challenges, you can work through this.
A lot of alcoholics feel a tremendous amount of shame about being unable to control their drinking...and being unable to control their drinking is pretty much the definition of being an alcoholic. Lying? I think that's just something that active alcoholics do. They do whatever is necessary to maintain their addiction. It sounds like, in a moment of clarity, your husband was willing to admit that he has a problem, but now he's backpedaling. That's just a symptom of his addiction.
If you want advice, insist that he get treatment. It's an opportunity for him to get sober, and hopefully once the immediate effects of the alcohol are gone, he'll have enough clarity to continue that sobriety. The treatment center will give him tools to keep him sober, and they'll get him in touch with an AA group that he can fit in with. But this advice comes with a warning: his recovery is really up to him. He has a disease that kills...so this really is a life and death struggle for him. Yes, it's that important.
I was helpful for me to recognize that my wife had a disease. And that when she lied to me or when she chose drinking over our relationship it wasn't about me...it was about her and her addiction. Once he's been through treatment, you can hold him responsible for his actions. Right now, if you can, forgive him and blame it on the disease.
When your husband goes into treatment, ask them if they have a program for the family. If they have meetings or classes you can go to...do it. It will help. And whether they do or they don't, find a local Al-Anon meeting and go to it. It will give you tools that will help you whether your husband is in recovery or not. At the very least, it's a great support group. The people there will never judge you, and they understand exactly what you're going through.
I wish you well on your journey. This may seem scary...but like all of life's challenges, you can work through this.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
JHJT,
Welcome to you, what is his family situation, is he the child of alcoholics, if so you might want to do some reading on the ACOA forum, it may help you and him better understand how he got to this point.
If you decide to talk to your children about his disease there is a wonderful childrens book called The Brown Bottle by Penny Jones it is available at Amazon for $4.95
Is he drinking at work, normally that is a immediate termination offense, rehab could offer him some protection from termination, but not if he is caught drinking or under the influence on the job.
I hope he can get into AA or counseling and get to the root of the problem and get it addressed asap.
Big hugs to you,
Bill
Welcome to you, what is his family situation, is he the child of alcoholics, if so you might want to do some reading on the ACOA forum, it may help you and him better understand how he got to this point.
If you decide to talk to your children about his disease there is a wonderful childrens book called The Brown Bottle by Penny Jones it is available at Amazon for $4.95
Is he drinking at work, normally that is a immediate termination offense, rehab could offer him some protection from termination, but not if he is caught drinking or under the influence on the job.
I hope he can get into AA or counseling and get to the root of the problem and get it addressed asap.
Big hugs to you,
Bill
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello JHJT! Welcome to SR!!
You've found a great community with the combined life experiences of so many people....people who understand exactly what you are going through right now.
I hope very much for your sake, the children's sake, and his sake, that he puts everything he has into recovery. You and your children deserve as much support as possible right now, too! A good place to start is here by reading as much as you can through the threads and the stickies at the top of each forum. Many of the members have also found the face-to-face support of Al-Anon (which is for friends and family members) to be invaluable.
Post here anytime with questions or to vent. We are open 24/7!
You've found a great community with the combined life experiences of so many people....people who understand exactly what you are going through right now.
I hope very much for your sake, the children's sake, and his sake, that he puts everything he has into recovery. You and your children deserve as much support as possible right now, too! A good place to start is here by reading as much as you can through the threads and the stickies at the top of each forum. Many of the members have also found the face-to-face support of Al-Anon (which is for friends and family members) to be invaluable.
Post here anytime with questions or to vent. We are open 24/7!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
welcome jhjt-
you might be one of the lucky ones, as it is indeed uncommon for the alcholic to confess and seek help prior to their disease causing much destruction. and it speaks volumes of your relationship that he came to you.
in my years here, the only true recovery i've witnessed is through a 12 step program, as it addresses the underlying character defects...only the first step has to do with alcohol and the remaining ones address spiritual growth and accountability.
if the AA meeting he went to was more NA, perhaps seek out a different meeting where he feels more affinity with the members. AA works and it sounds as if your husband is willing. only another alcoholic can really understand what he's going through.
you might be one of the lucky ones, as it is indeed uncommon for the alcholic to confess and seek help prior to their disease causing much destruction. and it speaks volumes of your relationship that he came to you.
in my years here, the only true recovery i've witnessed is through a 12 step program, as it addresses the underlying character defects...only the first step has to do with alcohol and the remaining ones address spiritual growth and accountability.
if the AA meeting he went to was more NA, perhaps seek out a different meeting where he feels more affinity with the members. AA works and it sounds as if your husband is willing. only another alcoholic can really understand what he's going through.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
My stbxAH came to me several summers ago and told me that for several years he'd been hiding his drinking, lying and knew he had a problem.
I felt that was hopeful and supported and stood by him.
In the end, because he had no desire to get well, recover, work a program etc... it wound up that he often told me (meanly) that he regretted ever telling me the truth and should have kept lying... In the end, bc I knew he had a problem and had heard those times of vulnerability, he couldn't stand it... The knowing that I'd heard him acnknowledge he had a problem somehow made him hate me...
Anyway, I hope that your story works out differently... I just wanted to say this so that you don't get too hopeful that it will all be okay... I think that I was a bit naive and thought it would be okay since he was honest initially and when I realized it wasn't going to be okay it was that much harder to accept bc of the hope I'd originally felt... I hope that you have a happier ending....
I felt that was hopeful and supported and stood by him.
In the end, because he had no desire to get well, recover, work a program etc... it wound up that he often told me (meanly) that he regretted ever telling me the truth and should have kept lying... In the end, bc I knew he had a problem and had heard those times of vulnerability, he couldn't stand it... The knowing that I'd heard him acnknowledge he had a problem somehow made him hate me...
Anyway, I hope that your story works out differently... I just wanted to say this so that you don't get too hopeful that it will all be okay... I think that I was a bit naive and thought it would be okay since he was honest initially and when I realized it wasn't going to be okay it was that much harder to accept bc of the hope I'd originally felt... I hope that you have a happier ending....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: South Florida
Posts: 9
(Please excuse typos and such - posting from a Kindle Fire and there are a few quirks i can't figure out how to get through)
Thanks for all of your posts. I am so glad I found this board! I just spent the past hour or so reading the stickies. Good stuff there and the detachment threads were particularly good for me to read. That is something I am trying very hard to do right now and it is hard - I am admittedly very controlling and a provoker. Hard stuff to change but reading the threads is helpful (and I plan to meditate and pray HARD on this as well).
He went to meet a counselor at a nearby treatment facility this afternoon. He's going to move forward with the program so he seems to be moving in the right direction. We spent quite a bit of time discussing it tonight and reviewing the paperwork they gave him. On a negative note, I had a support group/playgroup meeting a few blocks down the road (our oldest child is on the autism spectrum) and as we drove by on our way home at like 7:45 I noticed his car was not there so i assumed they had wrapped up early and he would be home (they originally told us he would be there until 9:00). Got home and he wasn't here. He called at 8:30 to say he was just leaving and on his way. Of course I couldn't help myself and confronted him about the lie and he wouldn't respond. And then I proceeded to harass him about again later. I told myself I wouldn't do that but the lying pisses me off so much that I can't keep my mouth shut. He wasn't drunk but he easily could have had a few beers and I wouldn't necessarily be able to tell. I don't even care if he does drink (I care but I kind of expect it right now and it doesn't make me angry) but the lying sends me through the roof. I hate all of these dysfunctional, unhealthy reactions to his crummy actions. I know I need to get my butt to an Al-Anon meeting ASAP.
On a positive note, when he is at work, I am not stressing about him for some reason. It's like out of sight, out of mind - I'm able to let it go in a way that I haven't mastered when he is physically here and it feels GOOD. The kids and I had a super fun day (no school) going for a nice walk/jog and.spending time at the park and playground and then going to ourtlto our support/playgroup.
Thanks for all of your posts. I am so glad I found this board! I just spent the past hour or so reading the stickies. Good stuff there and the detachment threads were particularly good for me to read. That is something I am trying very hard to do right now and it is hard - I am admittedly very controlling and a provoker. Hard stuff to change but reading the threads is helpful (and I plan to meditate and pray HARD on this as well).
He went to meet a counselor at a nearby treatment facility this afternoon. He's going to move forward with the program so he seems to be moving in the right direction. We spent quite a bit of time discussing it tonight and reviewing the paperwork they gave him. On a negative note, I had a support group/playgroup meeting a few blocks down the road (our oldest child is on the autism spectrum) and as we drove by on our way home at like 7:45 I noticed his car was not there so i assumed they had wrapped up early and he would be home (they originally told us he would be there until 9:00). Got home and he wasn't here. He called at 8:30 to say he was just leaving and on his way. Of course I couldn't help myself and confronted him about the lie and he wouldn't respond. And then I proceeded to harass him about again later. I told myself I wouldn't do that but the lying pisses me off so much that I can't keep my mouth shut. He wasn't drunk but he easily could have had a few beers and I wouldn't necessarily be able to tell. I don't even care if he does drink (I care but I kind of expect it right now and it doesn't make me angry) but the lying sends me through the roof. I hate all of these dysfunctional, unhealthy reactions to his crummy actions. I know I need to get my butt to an Al-Anon meeting ASAP.
On a positive note, when he is at work, I am not stressing about him for some reason. It's like out of sight, out of mind - I'm able to let it go in a way that I haven't mastered when he is physically here and it feels GOOD. The kids and I had a super fun day (no school) going for a nice walk/jog and.spending time at the park and playground and then going to ourtlto our support/playgroup.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
First off, hugs to you and your family. I told my AH just yesterday that I am able to handle his whole DUI thing right now just fine but it's the lies that he told that bother me the most. And, he looked at me and said, "What lies?" He seriously doesn't remember some of the lies he told me.
May I suggest a book for you? You can download it to your Kindle from Amazon. It's called "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. I have been reading it for a second time through because it keeps reminding me that I can handle this, I can let him take responsibility for himself, and I CAN keep my mouth shut when I want to scream and yell.
Last Thursday I came home to find my AH actively drunk with a bonfire going in the backyard. It was around 7:30 PM. I decided I didn't want to watch his pathetic display and left my 13 year old out there with him to enjoy the fire. My AH is very good at 'not looking drunk' and the only reason I knew he had had a LOT to drink is because he left it laying around the house(empty wine bottle and a few beer bottles). Anyway, while I was in the shower he came in and started messing with the lights. Then he turns on the fan, which we never turn on in our bathroom. I came out of the shower and he was gone. I asked my 13 year old and he said dad just left and didn't tell me where he was going. All I could think was "oh crap, that little sneak turned on the fan so I wouldn't hear the garage door opening. He knew I'd run out and try to stop him". Anyway, I turned to my journal and I wrote that I knew he was risking a DUI. It was only a matter of time as his drinking was getting worse and I felt he was spiraling out of control on his binges. Well,to make a long story short: he's dealing with his first DUI. It's been brutal around here for the past few days. I am praying that he finds a good recovery program. He claims he's done drinking(he had been a dry drunk for the first 15 yrs of our marriage) but I feel that actions speak louder than words. Only time will tell if he will truly get sober and clean his act up.
Honestly, my heart goes out to you. If you haven't attended Al Anon I would like to suggest that you try a few meetings. It's really where I felt so much peace. I knew my AH was out of my control and that I didn't cause his problem. I have learned how to remove myself from his problem, even though his actions affect our whole family. It's really brought me to a place where I feel that I have hope for the future.
May I suggest a book for you? You can download it to your Kindle from Amazon. It's called "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. I have been reading it for a second time through because it keeps reminding me that I can handle this, I can let him take responsibility for himself, and I CAN keep my mouth shut when I want to scream and yell.
Last Thursday I came home to find my AH actively drunk with a bonfire going in the backyard. It was around 7:30 PM. I decided I didn't want to watch his pathetic display and left my 13 year old out there with him to enjoy the fire. My AH is very good at 'not looking drunk' and the only reason I knew he had had a LOT to drink is because he left it laying around the house(empty wine bottle and a few beer bottles). Anyway, while I was in the shower he came in and started messing with the lights. Then he turns on the fan, which we never turn on in our bathroom. I came out of the shower and he was gone. I asked my 13 year old and he said dad just left and didn't tell me where he was going. All I could think was "oh crap, that little sneak turned on the fan so I wouldn't hear the garage door opening. He knew I'd run out and try to stop him". Anyway, I turned to my journal and I wrote that I knew he was risking a DUI. It was only a matter of time as his drinking was getting worse and I felt he was spiraling out of control on his binges. Well,to make a long story short: he's dealing with his first DUI. It's been brutal around here for the past few days. I am praying that he finds a good recovery program. He claims he's done drinking(he had been a dry drunk for the first 15 yrs of our marriage) but I feel that actions speak louder than words. Only time will tell if he will truly get sober and clean his act up.
Honestly, my heart goes out to you. If you haven't attended Al Anon I would like to suggest that you try a few meetings. It's really where I felt so much peace. I knew my AH was out of my control and that I didn't cause his problem. I have learned how to remove myself from his problem, even though his actions affect our whole family. It's really brought me to a place where I feel that I have hope for the future.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
Wow...it's a rare alcoholic that sees what they are doing to themselves and are able to pull out of it before it spirals out of control.
there are all kinds of AA meetings, just as there are all kinds of Alanon mtgs...the key is to visit a view different ones and find the ones that 'fit'. None will in the beginning as no one wants to say.. oh wow..I AM one of them. So tell him to keep trying.
Please tell him....as a 20yr vetran wife of an A ...I personally thank him for not putting you and your kids through the hell of what alcoholism CAN become...
Keep reading and you will see what I mean...
He's a brave and strong man!
there are all kinds of AA meetings, just as there are all kinds of Alanon mtgs...the key is to visit a view different ones and find the ones that 'fit'. None will in the beginning as no one wants to say.. oh wow..I AM one of them. So tell him to keep trying.
Please tell him....as a 20yr vetran wife of an A ...I personally thank him for not putting you and your kids through the hell of what alcoholism CAN become...
Keep reading and you will see what I mean...
He's a brave and strong man!
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