!!!!please read and respond!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1
!!!!please read and respond!!!!
I don't know what to do. I think it's about time to leave my husband. He is a long term and severe alcoholic. He is 36 years old and drinks four to five 40oz malt liquors daily. He use to drink the 40 ozers PlUS one pint of Vodka daily, but cut the vodka out. So, usually on a daily basis, he is drinking 200oz of malt liquor daily.
I get along with him perfect when he is sober. We reason together, he makes sense.
As soon as he's had two 40oz bottles, I feel my anger inside rising. He begins talking non-stop about music. He will talk non-stop for hours about music. I just don't have time for the **** because it could go on forever. He seems to try to pick mini fights over music during this time too. He also gets very annoying with his behavior as the drinking progresses. He will become VERY needy, moody, and grouchy. We have children in the home. 3 of them are his step children and he loses it with them often during these drinking episodes. He will find ONE crumb in the floor and raise a horrible fit over it. I will step in and tell him to stop being so mean to my children over a crumb and he FREAKS.
He will start slamming doors, yelling in my face "you are raising them to be pigs! they're nothing, but disgusting ******* pigs" This causes my anger to BROIL over! I then lose it and the fight usually ensues. Big. Time. I can NOT allow a drunk to walk all over me and my children, so I of course stand up for myself and them.
He then will pass out and sleep for about two hours.
This post nap wake up is the WORST, this is the time when he wakes up violent and ready to fight. I am not the type to sit around like a sick pup and take it and do argue back with him. I have gotten so mad that I have felt like throwing a freaking rock through his head. He will not STOP at this point. He gets the whole house going and I have to leave with my children.
He sees NOTHING wrong with this behavior. He says that I am the one with the problem, not him. He spends every dime he has on beer. He contributes NOTHING TO ME. I pay ALL the bills. If I save money for food (or gas etc) and he finds out about it, he becomes very upset. He thinks that the money I save for food should be used for his beer. When my children earn money or are given money from family, he thinks HE is entitled to it for beer.
I can't take this anymore! I have had the police at my home so many times over the bickering. He does not want to change. This man has been to rehab THIRTTEEN TIMES! He laughs so hard talking about how he bought Vodka on the way home from rehab.
Can someone tell me if this behavior is typical of most alcoholics? The intense anger and the feeling that they're entitled to EVERY DIME THAT COMES IN THE DOOR? Even if the money belongs to a child???
I get along with him perfect when he is sober. We reason together, he makes sense.
As soon as he's had two 40oz bottles, I feel my anger inside rising. He begins talking non-stop about music. He will talk non-stop for hours about music. I just don't have time for the **** because it could go on forever. He seems to try to pick mini fights over music during this time too. He also gets very annoying with his behavior as the drinking progresses. He will become VERY needy, moody, and grouchy. We have children in the home. 3 of them are his step children and he loses it with them often during these drinking episodes. He will find ONE crumb in the floor and raise a horrible fit over it. I will step in and tell him to stop being so mean to my children over a crumb and he FREAKS.
He will start slamming doors, yelling in my face "you are raising them to be pigs! they're nothing, but disgusting ******* pigs" This causes my anger to BROIL over! I then lose it and the fight usually ensues. Big. Time. I can NOT allow a drunk to walk all over me and my children, so I of course stand up for myself and them.
He then will pass out and sleep for about two hours.
This post nap wake up is the WORST, this is the time when he wakes up violent and ready to fight. I am not the type to sit around like a sick pup and take it and do argue back with him. I have gotten so mad that I have felt like throwing a freaking rock through his head. He will not STOP at this point. He gets the whole house going and I have to leave with my children.
He sees NOTHING wrong with this behavior. He says that I am the one with the problem, not him. He spends every dime he has on beer. He contributes NOTHING TO ME. I pay ALL the bills. If I save money for food (or gas etc) and he finds out about it, he becomes very upset. He thinks that the money I save for food should be used for his beer. When my children earn money or are given money from family, he thinks HE is entitled to it for beer.
I can't take this anymore! I have had the police at my home so many times over the bickering. He does not want to change. This man has been to rehab THIRTTEEN TIMES! He laughs so hard talking about how he bought Vodka on the way home from rehab.
Can someone tell me if this behavior is typical of most alcoholics? The intense anger and the feeling that they're entitled to EVERY DIME THAT COMES IN THE DOOR? Even if the money belongs to a child???
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I'm glad you are here, but sorry about what brings you here.
Yes. Your AH (alcoholic Husband) is acting in the typical fashion of an alcoholic.
Unfortunately, Alcoholism is progressive and it does get worse.
When I came to SR I learned about the three C's of addiction:
I did not Cause it
I could not Control it
I would not Cure it
It was hard to accept! I was sure I could reason with my alcoholic - just needed to find the right words. I was sure he would change because of my love for him, and how I took care of him and the kids. Turns out he was behaving like a kid himself. I learned his behavior is actually called "king baby" and is typical of alcoholics.
Mine thought he was king and lord of his castle.
Trouble with that plan was there was no room in his castle for anymore royalty.
Just loyal subjects to do his bidding.
I needed to find help for myself as I began to lose focus on my own needs and the needs of my children.
Things that helped me were:
SR
Alanon
Self-Improvement books.
Stick around SR and meet more of the family. Some of our stories are in the permanent posts (called stickies) at the top of the forum.
Here is a post that really helped me save my sanity while living with an active alcoholic. I followed all of these steps, and it helped me discover a better way:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I'm glad you are here, but sorry about what brings you here.
Yes. Your AH (alcoholic Husband) is acting in the typical fashion of an alcoholic.
Unfortunately, Alcoholism is progressive and it does get worse.
When I came to SR I learned about the three C's of addiction:
I did not Cause it
I could not Control it
I would not Cure it
It was hard to accept! I was sure I could reason with my alcoholic - just needed to find the right words. I was sure he would change because of my love for him, and how I took care of him and the kids. Turns out he was behaving like a kid himself. I learned his behavior is actually called "king baby" and is typical of alcoholics.
Mine thought he was king and lord of his castle.
Trouble with that plan was there was no room in his castle for anymore royalty.
Just loyal subjects to do his bidding.
I needed to find help for myself as I began to lose focus on my own needs and the needs of my children.
Things that helped me were:
SR
Alanon
Self-Improvement books.
Stick around SR and meet more of the family. Some of our stories are in the permanent posts (called stickies) at the top of the forum.
Here is a post that really helped me save my sanity while living with an active alcoholic. I followed all of these steps, and it helped me discover a better way:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Welcome,
Glad you are here, I hope someday soon you will change your name from donewithlife to donewithAH.
Your children deserve better than to put up with this insanity on a daily basis, please read the stickies and posts on the ACOA thread and see what they are in for if you keep them in this environment.
Please consider counseling and al-anon for yourself and alateen for your children.
Please come back often, let us know how you are doing.
Big hugs,
Bill
Glad you are here, I hope someday soon you will change your name from donewithlife to donewithAH.
Your children deserve better than to put up with this insanity on a daily basis, please read the stickies and posts on the ACOA thread and see what they are in for if you keep them in this environment.
Please consider counseling and al-anon for yourself and alateen for your children.
Please come back often, let us know how you are doing.
Big hugs,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Your story is not much different than mine
Oh..And yes, they try to blame us for everything
Find a alanon class and keep posting on this board..It will be the best thing for you!
I know it was and is for me
You can never ask us the wrong question. Open up and let it out!
Most of us understand and have been thru it...YOUR NOT ALONE!!!
As a mom, I would you this...WHY, do you continue to put your kids thru that??
From what I have learned, that kind of life, has put deep scar's into my childrens hearts!
Now he is my X and I have a healthy, fun, relaxing time with my kids...
That part...I WOULD "NOT" trade it for the world...
BIG HUGS TO YOU ~ I know it's not an easy place for you to be at the
moment...but tomorrow is a new day!
Oh..And yes, they try to blame us for everything
Find a alanon class and keep posting on this board..It will be the best thing for you!
I know it was and is for me
You can never ask us the wrong question. Open up and let it out!
Most of us understand and have been thru it...YOUR NOT ALONE!!!
As a mom, I would you this...WHY, do you continue to put your kids thru that??
From what I have learned, that kind of life, has put deep scar's into my childrens hearts!
Now he is my X and I have a healthy, fun, relaxing time with my kids...
That part...I WOULD "NOT" trade it for the world...
BIG HUGS TO YOU ~ I know it's not an easy place for you to be at the
moment...but tomorrow is a new day!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Donewithlife,
Welcome to the forum! I am ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) and married to a RAH ... one of the many who survived a deeply dysfunctional alcoholic home that I escaped at a young age only to be drawn to alcoholic or addictive mates all of my life... Years and years of counseling have uncovered WHY I am drawn like a moth to the flame of a candle of these bad choices but it is a "hard wired" part of personality.
I fared better than my brother... he is a stone cold alcoholic who had drifted in and out of jail so many times I can't count... all alcoholic related.
My other 4 sisters also suffered greatly from our childhood with a raging alcoholic who was cruel and vindictive all of our lives.
Our mother did not protect us despite my begging her to PLEASE get us out of the dangerous and scary place that we were forced to live in. She was completely emeshed and codependent and she didn't leave him until we were all grown and scarred for life.
I love my RA with all of my heart but every day is a challenge and a struggle ... if an RA is not actively working hard at growing spiritually and mentally they are sliding backwards... there is never a status quo in my experience. Being in recovery for my issues and codieness myself always having to "work on myself" is a job in itself.
Life is with a an alcoholic is hard... even in recovery as they and codie mates are never "normal" although with hard work by both it can become healthy and joyful. However... this is exceedingly rare!
Rehabs are great for seperating the alcoholic from their DOC (drug of choice) but unless they want to change and actually have a psychic change and are willing to the hard work daily on themselves in a active program of recovery they can be an exercise in futility.
13 rehabs and still in complete and utter denial is a huge red flag!
The advice given by others is good... can be lifechanging in fact. Counseling was a huge help for me... HUGE! Find a good counselor who understands addiction... keep looking until you find that voice of reason and wisdom that you get face to face with.
Alanon... find a good meeting.
This website... lots of experience, strength and hope.
Books... there are great titles in the stickie section.
The stickie section... read it! Great stuff to help you find your way out.
Life in nothing but a series of choices we make... we choose our boundaries and what we are willing to accept and not accept. Nothing changes if nothing changes... clearly your A has made it clear he is NOT changing!
Last but not least... I want to speak out for you kids.. I don't know how old they are and what effect this is having on them but I know it is BAD, BAD, BAD! If you don't want them to marry addicts or become one themselves you can help reduce the odds that this will happen by protecting them from the craziness of an alcoholic childhood.
Counseling for kids is very, very healthy!
I know this was a lot of info... sometimes we are just not ready to hear all of this stuff when we are just hurting so much ourselves. Please know that I am not judging you and I know you are trying to do the right thing... just take it one day at a time and pray for strength and guidance from your HP.
Know you are not alone... we understand and we are standing with you in spirit and in prayer.
Welcome to the forum! I am ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) and married to a RAH ... one of the many who survived a deeply dysfunctional alcoholic home that I escaped at a young age only to be drawn to alcoholic or addictive mates all of my life... Years and years of counseling have uncovered WHY I am drawn like a moth to the flame of a candle of these bad choices but it is a "hard wired" part of personality.
I fared better than my brother... he is a stone cold alcoholic who had drifted in and out of jail so many times I can't count... all alcoholic related.
My other 4 sisters also suffered greatly from our childhood with a raging alcoholic who was cruel and vindictive all of our lives.
Our mother did not protect us despite my begging her to PLEASE get us out of the dangerous and scary place that we were forced to live in. She was completely emeshed and codependent and she didn't leave him until we were all grown and scarred for life.
I love my RA with all of my heart but every day is a challenge and a struggle ... if an RA is not actively working hard at growing spiritually and mentally they are sliding backwards... there is never a status quo in my experience. Being in recovery for my issues and codieness myself always having to "work on myself" is a job in itself.
Life is with a an alcoholic is hard... even in recovery as they and codie mates are never "normal" although with hard work by both it can become healthy and joyful. However... this is exceedingly rare!
Rehabs are great for seperating the alcoholic from their DOC (drug of choice) but unless they want to change and actually have a psychic change and are willing to the hard work daily on themselves in a active program of recovery they can be an exercise in futility.
13 rehabs and still in complete and utter denial is a huge red flag!
The advice given by others is good... can be lifechanging in fact. Counseling was a huge help for me... HUGE! Find a good counselor who understands addiction... keep looking until you find that voice of reason and wisdom that you get face to face with.
Alanon... find a good meeting.
This website... lots of experience, strength and hope.
Books... there are great titles in the stickie section.
The stickie section... read it! Great stuff to help you find your way out.
Life in nothing but a series of choices we make... we choose our boundaries and what we are willing to accept and not accept. Nothing changes if nothing changes... clearly your A has made it clear he is NOT changing!
Last but not least... I want to speak out for you kids.. I don't know how old they are and what effect this is having on them but I know it is BAD, BAD, BAD! If you don't want them to marry addicts or become one themselves you can help reduce the odds that this will happen by protecting them from the craziness of an alcoholic childhood.
Counseling for kids is very, very healthy!
I know this was a lot of info... sometimes we are just not ready to hear all of this stuff when we are just hurting so much ourselves. Please know that I am not judging you and I know you are trying to do the right thing... just take it one day at a time and pray for strength and guidance from your HP.
Know you are not alone... we understand and we are standing with you in spirit and in prayer.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello donewithlife, and Welcome to SR!
I'm sorry to hear about the verbal abuse you and the children are suffering at the hands of this man. I hope that you will come to realize that you and your children do not deserve this.
Very sad to say, but your husband's behavior is quite typical of an alcoholic in active addiction. Do whatever it takes to make sure the addiction is protected--including rant and rave about the tiniest things so that the attention is focused on something besides the drinking.
Your life can get better, it can be happy, whether or not the loved one in your life is drinking.
Make yourself comfortable, read all the threads you can, and educate yourself about addiction.
Welcome, again! HG
I'm sorry to hear about the verbal abuse you and the children are suffering at the hands of this man. I hope that you will come to realize that you and your children do not deserve this.
Very sad to say, but your husband's behavior is quite typical of an alcoholic in active addiction. Do whatever it takes to make sure the addiction is protected--including rant and rave about the tiniest things so that the attention is focused on something besides the drinking.
Your life can get better, it can be happy, whether or not the loved one in your life is drinking.
Make yourself comfortable, read all the threads you can, and educate yourself about addiction.
Welcome, again! HG
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Your children are being abused and I agree with you, he does not want to change and I agree with you that it is time to leave.
If you stay, your children will continue being abused. Child abuse is unacceptable.
So I support you and hope today you will begin making an exit plan. There really is, in my opinion, no other option, because of the children.
If you stay, your children will continue being abused. Child abuse is unacceptable.
So I support you and hope today you will begin making an exit plan. There really is, in my opinion, no other option, because of the children.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Your AH sounds like mine (mine is almost my x...)
At the end it took less and less booze (beer) for him to get more and more angry and out of control. The incessant chatter about music jumped out bc that's what mine would ramble senselessly about too.
There is NOTHING you will do or not do that will stop him from being a critic about every little thing real and imagined that he sees as a problem.
I realized that my 6 yr old was starting to be anxious about EVERYTHING and saw a direct connection to that and my xAH's need to criticize every last thing I did...
And I'll bet that your AH doesn't think HE is the critical one... He probably thinks it's you right? You're the "problem" for not letting him rule with an iron fist and denigrate you... Am I close?
Like others have said, your kids ARE being impacted by this and I hope if you have a way to leave, you will consider doing so for their sake as well as yours.
Glad you are here.
At the end it took less and less booze (beer) for him to get more and more angry and out of control. The incessant chatter about music jumped out bc that's what mine would ramble senselessly about too.
There is NOTHING you will do or not do that will stop him from being a critic about every little thing real and imagined that he sees as a problem.
I realized that my 6 yr old was starting to be anxious about EVERYTHING and saw a direct connection to that and my xAH's need to criticize every last thing I did...
And I'll bet that your AH doesn't think HE is the critical one... He probably thinks it's you right? You're the "problem" for not letting him rule with an iron fist and denigrate you... Am I close?
Like others have said, your kids ARE being impacted by this and I hope if you have a way to leave, you will consider doing so for their sake as well as yours.
Glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
Keep coming back!
The fact he isn't adding anything to your life except worry and pain and is quite clearly abusing your children tells me it may be time to cut and run.
He doesn't want to change. He thinks this is normal. If you don't think this is damaging the kids think again...
I am a child of an A ....I married an A. and we have children....the cycle WILL continue unless YOU stop it.
The fact he isn't adding anything to your life except worry and pain and is quite clearly abusing your children tells me it may be time to cut and run.
He doesn't want to change. He thinks this is normal. If you don't think this is damaging the kids think again...
I am a child of an A ....I married an A. and we have children....the cycle WILL continue unless YOU stop it.
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