whatamess

My AH won't accept that I want a divorce and keeps on insisting we have talks about it ie he wants to win me round. He is not drunk when he does this just very calm and controlled but obviously very angry.

Just now he got furious really annoyed because I said I wouldn't be buying his food any more, following legal advice to live separately from him under the same roof. He thinks what I am doing "is so wrong" and that what is marriage if not standing by your partner through thick and thin. He keeps saying I am going to emotionally damage him, the kids and myself. That I have a neurosis about his drinking. He has asked around and no one else thinks he has a problem. I am overreacting. He is dealing with his drinking. If his "condition" was cancer I would stand by him etc etc

I feel very strongly that he does have a problem with his drinking and I struggle because no one else seems to realise it. He is not at the stage of hiding bottles but he drinks almost every day, often has a bottle of wine to himself at night after everyone else has gone to bed, has a history of passing out on the sofa, has a history of blackouts, usually starts slurring his words when out socially, is always the first to suggest more booze, insists that he has to go out "marketing" (ie drinking with clients) usually about 3 nights per week, has stood urinating on the bedroom floor, if there is wine in the house he just drinks it ... you get the picture.

However, he has a high powered job, is a good father, is charming and popular. Well meaning friends think maybe I should stand by him because he is a lovely guy. He can go for a few days, maybe weeks without drinking. Sometimes he can stop after a few, sometimes not. Most people think his drunk episodes are one-offs. He thinks he can control the amount he is drinking so will continue to drink.

I truly believe that he has a problem and needs to cut out alcohol completely. His arguments make me doubt myself and his insistence on talking about it every day is getting draining. Sometimes I have to walk away and shut myself in my room whilst he continues to rant and what he considers to be my unjust decision.

naive

hang in there. it doesn't matter if he is an alcoholic or not. what does matter is that you are not comfortable with the amount he drinks. that's it. bottom line.

best not to discuss his drinking with him.

mine did the same thing, asking people if he had a problem or not. but the people he asked were mainly his drinking buddies. plus, they did not see the drunken passouts at home like i did.

i think you would spare yourself a lot if you could go and stay somewhere else for awhile.

naive

akalacha

¨Well meaning friends think maybe I should stand by him because he is a lovely guy. ¨
Yeah, but they don't have to live with him, do they? If his drinking is causing problems for you, then it's a problem. A's are really good at turning things around and making us doubt ourselves. I think you're on the right track by just walking away when he starts ranting at you. If you are really planning to divorce perhaps you should get that ball rolling. See a lawyer, start looking for a place to live, etc. Sending you support.

wanttobehealthy

Alcoholics (regardless of how much they are drinking or at all if they remain untreated) will argue, deflect, project, rationalize, minimize and do all the things you are describing your AH does better than anyone else.

This way they don't have to focus on themselves for an instant.

Don't make yourself crazy about whether he is or isn't drinking, how much he is or isn't drinking etc... What matters most is "how does he treat you?". Sounds like he treats you badly. That's what matters.

And it is NOT your doing that he is treating you badly. You have not done anything to deserve it and are not responsible for HIS behavior.

naive

perhaps he could move back to his parents house?

Pelican

Quack Quack Quack

I hope he is finished with his free counseling on your poor decisions. Not likely, however, if he senses you are becoming confused.

Keep in mind this is alcoholic quacking at it's most desperate. He is desperate to keep up appearances as having HIS life in perfect control.

When he starts his free counseling, how do you feel during these conversations with your life partner?

Do you feel respected?
Do you feel loved?
Do you feel appreciated for all your good qualities?
Do you feel like an equal partner in the relationship?

You don't need to post your answers, but if you are like me - I felt diminished, dis-respected for my feelings, and that my feelings were not a priority in the relationship. All while being reminded of how much I was loved.

I had to stop listening to the words and looking at the actions.
Loss of body functions late at night: who did the cleanup (the real deep down cleanup)
Help with household responsibilities: Mine didn't even open the mail, was never home to help with meals (one night a week and we listened to him croon for hours about all his efforts in preparing the meal)

Keep coming here to vent your frustrations.
Trying to explain your feelings and decisions to an active alcoholic will be like going to the hardware store and asking for fresh bread.

We understand.

LifeRecovery

I got really caught up in if I could just find the "right" way to talk to him he would see the light and realize he had a problem. That kept me in the dance a long time.

I realize now that is not my job my job is to take care of me.

Do you know that in many lists of signs of problem drinking is "Do you have loved ones that think you have a problem with your drinking?"

Seeing that for the first time was a huge relief for me. It did not matter what anyone else thought, if it was a problem for me it was a problem.

Unfortunately the solution was not in my hands to stop his drinking. It was however in my hands to get myself to a good, safe spot.

Sending kind thoughts you way.

Hopeworks

I just got a brainstorm! Ask the "well meaning friends" if they are willing to do more than just give unrequested advice? That show Wifeswapping comes to mind... They come live a month with hubby one on one while you take a much needed break with no contact.

This could be the next reality tv show!

TakingCharge999

whatamess

This is where you need to decide if other's opinions/thoughts/feelings/perspectives (belonging to AH, friends or whoever) are more important than your own.

It is a struggle when no one else believes there is any problem. But when I suffered because common friends did not see a XABF's alcoholism, I thought : "they see him happy and drinking in a party then say goodbye, they don't have to carry him, they don't have to drive his car because he is too drunk and you are afraid you will die on a car crash on the trip back home, they do not sleep with him to notice he wakes up at 2 PM on Sunday yellow and wants to do nothing but continue sleeping, they are not there to hear hurtful words.. they only see someone drinking who appears to be like any other social drinker then go back home to their normal life."

Have you read Melody Beatty's books? I recommend them, especially "Codependent no more".

Hugs!

NYCDoglvr

A leopard doesn't change his spots. Suggest to him that if his marriage is so important he'll go to a rehab and get into a program (like AA) to stay sober.

jessiec

Thanks to all posters -- got so much from the responses. And , Pelican, I will remember that bread line.

I can relate about feeling like the only one who recognizes the disease as an issue. Alcoholism is rampant in my ABF's family. His 30 year old cousin (who got a dwi) was hospitalized recently for a month for pancreas issues related to drinking. And what does cousin bring to a recent family dinner? A huge bottle of Seagram's! Nobody seemed to have a problem with his idiotic behavior! Sometimes I feel like the kid in The Emporer's New Clothes.

transformyself

Thank you Naive

Good luck Whatamess. I hope you keep coming here for a dose or reality and sanity. Otherwise, it's easy to get pulled down into the madness.