Krystal32

So, I'm pretty sure I haven't mentioned this before but my mother is an addict as well. She's an active addict, pills and Meth are her DOC. My mother has been an addict for as long as I can recall, from when I was a little girl but back when I was younger, it was alcohol. She switched when I was 17 to the pills and for the past 2 years its been the Meth as well. I live across the country from her and I have found that the distance has made it easier to detach myself from her cause after I left, she got so much worse. Her home pretty much turned into a flop house, people in and out all the time and she got a lot heavier into the Meth. Her house looks like something you would see in the show hoarders and its just gotten so bad all the way around and the reason I know all of this is cause my older sister lives a lot closer to her and she saw all of this with her own eyes.

So anyway, I was talking to my mother on the phone just a little while ago and she goes into this looonnngg speech about how she has hit her bottom and that she is done with the way she has been living. She's saying that things are changing and its going to get better. She says that she hasn't been getting high and that she has this whole new outlook on life now and as she is saying all this to me, its not hitting my heart or anything, its kinda just rolling right off of me cause #1-I could tell that she was high on painkillers, hence the talkativeness and the almost giddy nature of her attitude and #2-I have heard ALL of this before. I use to get my hopes up and actually believe everything she was telling me only to be let down again and it hurts so much worse when I really believed that she was going to get help and get better. But that's all changed now, I don't believe a word she says and I won't until I actually see these plans of hers being put in motion.

While her addiction doesn't have the hold on me that it used to, it still makes me sad and it hurts that this is how I view my mother now. It hurts that I feel so distant from her cause we were so close. I don't have any desire to tell her how great her grandson is doing or what I'm thinking of naming her granddaughter when she's born. I don't want to share any or that with her and it really hurts my heart cause she's my mom and I do still love her very very much but I've had to pull away from her to protect myself. Its just so hard to be feeling what I'm feeling and I'm surprised that I haven't cried over it yet. But its like when I start to think about it and how its really making me feel and I feel that sting in my heart, I stop myself and force myself to focus on something else. Is that healthy? Is that really the best way for me to deal with all of this? I know that its not but I don't know how to even begin to face all of my emotions, its too much and I can feel myself starting to go numb when it comes her and that's not what I want either. I know I need to reach out beyond this site and get myself into an alanon meeting but I had to come on here and vent to you guys and just ask for some support and words of encouragement and of course any advice that you want to give, I will greatly appreciate it all

lonelystar

first off sorry to hear about your mother
I can understand numbing yourself to the pain, i do it as well, and the lies well thats just part of the addiction i like you just dont believe a word my as says, when i actually see an improvement thats when i will definaty know. I think its a blessing your not close to your mom to have to watch the destruction you wouldnt be able to do anything about it anyway, its her battle. The only thing i can offer my son about now is encouragement and sticking to my boundaries and hope for the best down the road, but im not letting his addiction drag me down with him . I think you need to do whatever you need to do to protect your sanity because none of it makes any kind of sense. Take care and hugs

Krystal32

Thank you lonelystar, you are absolutely right, none of it makes any sense. It's just a whirlwind of lies and manipulation and it's like she really expects me to believe that she can just all of a sudden change her ways overnight. The sickest thing during that conversation last night was hearing her say all of this and at the same time knowing that she was high! That put such a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach but you're right, it is a blessing that I am far away from her cause it would be so much harder to have to be around it. Thank you for your support

KelleyF

Hi Krystal

My heart goes out to you regarding the situation with your mom.
I can't imagine how difficult it was as a child to grow up with so many broken promises.
Just remember that your mom is sick; and the promises were lost to her addiction.

Hopefully one day she will change her life; and she will be able to become more involved with you and the your family.
But for now, I think the distance both physically and emotionally is wise.*

I know you love your mom and you miss her. But even in lost in her addiction - she is teaching you a valuable lesson on how best to live your life and raise your children.*
I think all moms really want their kids to be healthy and happy. *The best way to honor your mom is to live a good life yourself.

Hugs
Kel

Krystal32

Thank you Kelley, and you make a very good point. This should give me all the motivation to be the best mother I can be for my children and that's exactly what I plan on doing. I don't ever want them to grow up the way I had to, they deserve the best. All I can do for my mom is pray for her and hope that she gets the help she so desperately needs before this addiction kills her.

Chino

If you can afford it, a therapist would be a great help with learning how to process emotions. Regardless, ACOA meetings in addition to Alanon would help greatly.

Please work the program you wish all your addicted loved ones would. Your children need you to do that, if they're to have any hope of a normal life. They will learn what they live, just as we all have. Please don't teach them to stuff their emotions.

Krystal32

I agree with you 100% chino and I would never want to teach my children anything like that. I will do what I have to, to make sure that they have plenty of stability and security. Things I didn't have but I will say that I have learned from it and it has made me a stronger person. I just have to go that one step further and seek outside help

bluebelle

My mom is also an addict. She is always telling me stuff that I'm sure is bs. I also suggest that you work with a therapist. I've worked with therapists/psychiatrists for most of my adult life. My feelings about my mom usually range from no feelings, to anger, to extreme sadness, to frustration.

If you are stuffing your feelings, they are going to express themselves in another way. I know that sometimes I block feelings because I'm afraid that I will be overwhelmed by them. However, I can feel an underlying tension--I'll have a headache, or backache. Or, I'll do something compulsively, like worry about RABF or buy something I can't afford.

Have you read the stickies on the ACOA forum? I've found ACOA information stating that when we were young, we had coping mechanisms to deal with the pain. Like, we might avoid bad feelings. That's what we had to do because we were stuck in the situation and we needed to survive. However, now that you are an adult, those coping mechanisms that worked for you as a child may no longer work for you. Now, you are away from your mom and can take care of yourself. So, it's safer to feel your feelings.

I have pretty much come to terms with the fact that I will never have a great mother/daughter relationship with my mom. It's an area where I've had to try to work on acceptance of reality. You might never have that with your mom, but you can practice that nuturing with your current family.

Krystal32

Oh wow, thank you bluebelle, I didn't know about that forum at all! I just had a quick look at it and once I get my son to bed tonight, I will definitely pour through there as much as I can. I'm really glad you brought that to my attention, thank you again