Surfing on the edge of a knife, again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,138
Surfing on the edge of a knife, again
Guys, I've lost it. Had a good three month stretch of sobriety and have blown it. Back where I began. The vicious cycle. You don't need the details. You know them all intimately.
I need some support. Not the "what can you do differently this time" support -- though I appreciate it. That will come in its own time. I'm not there yet.
Okay, maybe I am. I stopped hanging out at SR. Stopped reinforcing sobriety. Man it made me happy. I need the hours back in my day. I have so much to do and I can't do it when a third of my day disappears down the drain of this stupidity.
I'm frustrated, sad, feel like bawling. I'm at the stage where nobody yet knows that I've crashed the ship upon the rocks. Soon we'll all go to the bottom of the sea. But the band plays on etc. etc.
Can you guys help pull me back? "I'd like to feel/ your hand touching mine/and tell me why/ I must keep working on....."
I need some support. Not the "what can you do differently this time" support -- though I appreciate it. That will come in its own time. I'm not there yet.
Okay, maybe I am. I stopped hanging out at SR. Stopped reinforcing sobriety. Man it made me happy. I need the hours back in my day. I have so much to do and I can't do it when a third of my day disappears down the drain of this stupidity.
I'm frustrated, sad, feel like bawling. I'm at the stage where nobody yet knows that I've crashed the ship upon the rocks. Soon we'll all go to the bottom of the sea. But the band plays on etc. etc.
Can you guys help pull me back? "I'd like to feel/ your hand touching mine/and tell me why/ I must keep working on....."
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,635
Hi Deserto,
You have my support. You don't have to continue the spiral. Stop it in its tracks right now. I relapsed after almost 4 months of sobriety this past November. All you can do is start fresh.
It sucks, but what can you do?
You have my support. You don't have to continue the spiral. Stop it in its tracks right now. I relapsed after almost 4 months of sobriety this past November. All you can do is start fresh.
It sucks, but what can you do?
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
Deserto ... you are not alone. Been there, done that a million times and have the T-shirts to prove it. Tried so many times over the last 5 years to get sober and failed over and over again. Today is Day 34 for me ... the longest I've gone so far. And I'm scared to death. Wondering what little thing will send me over the edge and back into the abyss.
I heard something in AA a few weeks ago that really resonated with me. A woman in our group, with 20+ years of sobriety, said, "I know I can never rest on my laurels. Alcohol has my number ... and it can call any time ... day or night ... when I'm feeling strong or when I'm feeling weak ... it knows how to reach me." It gave me the chills to hear that but it was reality. This THING never goes away ... it is cunning, baffling, powerful and PATIENT. It will wait as long as it takes. That's why it takes vigilance and a total avoidance of complacency for us to defeat it.
The good news is that any day can be a fresh start. The only failure comes in never trying again. There are many alcoholics out there who just gave up and couldn't see a tomorrow in their future. You are not one of them. Don't beat yourself up for doing something ALL of us have done time and time again. Just decide that tomorrow will be a new day and you will do better. And if you fail again tomorrow, then make the next day your fresh start. Thank God we all have that opportunity if we take it. I'm pulling for you, my friend.
I heard something in AA a few weeks ago that really resonated with me. A woman in our group, with 20+ years of sobriety, said, "I know I can never rest on my laurels. Alcohol has my number ... and it can call any time ... day or night ... when I'm feeling strong or when I'm feeling weak ... it knows how to reach me." It gave me the chills to hear that but it was reality. This THING never goes away ... it is cunning, baffling, powerful and PATIENT. It will wait as long as it takes. That's why it takes vigilance and a total avoidance of complacency for us to defeat it.
The good news is that any day can be a fresh start. The only failure comes in never trying again. There are many alcoholics out there who just gave up and couldn't see a tomorrow in their future. You are not one of them. Don't beat yourself up for doing something ALL of us have done time and time again. Just decide that tomorrow will be a new day and you will do better. And if you fail again tomorrow, then make the next day your fresh start. Thank God we all have that opportunity if we take it. I'm pulling for you, my friend.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 1,061
Sorry to hear about your lapse, now get back at it. I'm glad you found your way back here, keep coming back, keep learning, keep working, remember Sober Recovery is here 24/7 for your support. We all can do this together.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Welcome back Deserto 
Not drinking used to be harder than chinese algebra to me but once I got to the other side I saw things a lot more clearly.
Do whatever it takes not to drink. If you're still drinking, you're not doing enough.
Thats why I ask that pesky annoying 'what are you going to do this time' question, because you need to look and work out what else you need to do.
I might sound like a hard-a$$ here - but I know the despair, and the fear, and the immensity of the task...I also know the real you, I know the sober Deserto and I know that's who you want to be.
There's only one way to get back into the sun and out of that hole and that's to start climbing, man.
You can think about what to do next, but really it's all about not drinking. What do you need to do - right now - to make that happen?
I really believe you get out of your recovery whatever you put into it.
leave no stone unturned Deserto
D
Not drinking used to be harder than chinese algebra to me but once I got to the other side I saw things a lot more clearly.
Do whatever it takes not to drink. If you're still drinking, you're not doing enough.
Thats why I ask that pesky annoying 'what are you going to do this time' question, because you need to look and work out what else you need to do.
I might sound like a hard-a$$ here - but I know the despair, and the fear, and the immensity of the task...I also know the real you, I know the sober Deserto and I know that's who you want to be.
There's only one way to get back into the sun and out of that hole and that's to start climbing, man.
You can think about what to do next, but really it's all about not drinking. What do you need to do - right now - to make that happen?
I really believe you get out of your recovery whatever you put into it.
leave no stone unturned Deserto
D
Today's Muse
Join Date: May 2007
Location: West end
Posts: 1,081
Well there is support and then there is support. It is all meant to help you. When I needed the help the most, I really didn't like what I heard. I needed to hear it though. We all know the truth hurts. Sorry to say it, but nothing changes, if nothing changes. It takes work to turn things around. This may not be what you want to hear, but I know no other way, but what worked for me. If you aren't there yet and don't want to make changes...the results will usually be the same. When you are done, really done, you will be ready to make the changes. Unfortunately, you have to really hurt a lot to get to that point. I know I did. Escape the viscous cycle. Throw your hat into the ring and fight for your sobriety. What is it worth to you? What are you willing to do to achieve it? The choice will always be yours to make. Know one else can make it for you. Good luck and my best to you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Let's try this thing again Deserto. We know you can make it out of hell and stay out this time. I drank my whole life and almost died trying to control my drinking. Yet here I sit 4 years sober - mainly thanks to SR and the love, hope, and encouragement I found here.
You came back - that's huge. We aren't giving up on you. Let's get back to work. You can do it this time, and never look back.
You came back - that's huge. We aren't giving up on you. Let's get back to work. You can do it this time, and never look back.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Deserto, you know how this sobriety thing works having done it before. The freedom and self respect that you enjoyed so much during that time are still there for you. Just take it and make it.
The drinking again is depressing, and that depression leads you believe that you can't set it down, pour it away, get rid of the empties, and so on. You know the drill. But of course you can do these things.
The most important part of getting sober is the thing you are doing now, and that is posting here, Deserto. What will you do next?
The drinking again is depressing, and that depression leads you believe that you can't set it down, pour it away, get rid of the empties, and so on. You know the drill. But of course you can do these things.
The most important part of getting sober is the thing you are doing now, and that is posting here, Deserto. What will you do next?
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,934
Welcome back!
I understand the despair of relapse, it's a terrible feeling. You had 3 months so you were well past the physical part of addicition, but the mental part is a different animal.
The Big Book describes alcohol as cunning, baffling and powerful and when I first read that I thought. "who ever wrote that sure knew what they were talking about." It sounds like you got complacent and let your guard down. I've done that many times. There is nothing you can do about that now, but you can learn from this and rebuild.
Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.
I understand the despair of relapse, it's a terrible feeling. You had 3 months so you were well past the physical part of addicition, but the mental part is a different animal.
The Big Book describes alcohol as cunning, baffling and powerful and when I first read that I thought. "who ever wrote that sure knew what they were talking about." It sounds like you got complacent and let your guard down. I've done that many times. There is nothing you can do about that now, but you can learn from this and rebuild.
Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,138
Originally Posted by freshstart57 
The most important part of getting sober is the thing you are doing now, and that is posting here, Deserto. What will you do next?
But man, mustering the soldiers is hard when they're all lying around passed-out drunk.
I know I can do this. I just... you know... need to DO it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
I relapsed many times. Did not have the support of SR since I had no computer skills. You have our support. Hang in there. You need not have another relapse if you work on maintaining your sobriety. It's a tough road but wow is it worth it!!!!!!
W.
W.
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
"I stopped hanging out at SR" etc. Did the same thing after being dry for over a year and a half. Maybe try something a little different this time? That's what I'm trying to do. 3 months is awesome. I know I have the frame of reference where I was not drinking and felt very very comfortable. I try to focus on that and that If I do the right things I'll be back there. Yeah... Vicious cycle indeed, I think most of us have done the multiple rodeo thing.
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