Having a hard time tonight
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: LA CA
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Having a hard time tonight
So I guess I'm having a hard time with the way things are. My EX AH and I broke up 2 months ago. I saw him for the first recently after not seeing him for 6 weeks. We totally acted as if there was hope. I'm having trouble letting go as the last connection we had made me feel as if he still wanted this. I'm writing this all out as I feel so hurt and depressed. I know the things I am writing are coming from an insecure place. I know that he cannot give me what I need nor does he claim too. He doesn't give me promises anymore as I know he doesn't trust himself....he could break them. I know he loves me and wants me, it hurts to think that he is okay letting us go, he needs to worry about his own life. I'm just lonely and missing him so much.
The last 2 months he hasn't been here after destroying everything we had together....that fateful night. He didn't come back and pick up the pieces the way a healthy person would have. The last time I saw him he held me and showed me so much affection, It's hard for me to not feel anything after that. Hard not to want that back. I don't want to "wish" anymore, this has been so hard to endure. I have felt so much better and I guess I'm just feeling overwhelmed with my life and am looking for an escape. How could someone be so confused, unhappy and plain dysfunctional? How could he leave us that way. He is out of control, unsure of anything. Doesn't love himself and bitter. I know that night was a moment in time and I was so numb but the days pass and I am so bummed that he is gone. I know he thinks of me but I guess it doesn't matter.
The last 2 months he hasn't been here after destroying everything we had together....that fateful night. He didn't come back and pick up the pieces the way a healthy person would have. The last time I saw him he held me and showed me so much affection, It's hard for me to not feel anything after that. Hard not to want that back. I don't want to "wish" anymore, this has been so hard to endure. I have felt so much better and I guess I'm just feeling overwhelmed with my life and am looking for an escape. How could someone be so confused, unhappy and plain dysfunctional? How could he leave us that way. He is out of control, unsure of anything. Doesn't love himself and bitter. I know that night was a moment in time and I was so numb but the days pass and I am so bummed that he is gone. I know he thinks of me but I guess it doesn't matter.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
"The language of letting go" by Melody Beatty helps me, I hope you can get a copy.
2 months is still a very fresh wound, it will get better.
He can still want everything good that he had, but is he willing to do the work? actions are meaningful, words are not, I have learnt from XABF and empty promises/empty hugs/empty everything, really.
Keep missing him, loving him if you wish, but keep in mind you matter too: YOUR health, YOUR peace, YOUR sanity, etc etc. Not because he is bitter it means you have to be as well, either. YOU are FREE (as Bernadette says!).
2 months is still a very fresh wound, it will get better.
He can still want everything good that he had, but is he willing to do the work? actions are meaningful, words are not, I have learnt from XABF and empty promises/empty hugs/empty everything, really.
Keep missing him, loving him if you wish, but keep in mind you matter too: YOUR health, YOUR peace, YOUR sanity, etc etc. Not because he is bitter it means you have to be as well, either. YOU are FREE (as Bernadette says!).
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Yes I agree, No he hasn't made any goals (with me). I don't ask on his progress. I gave him some audio self help stuff, he said he's been listening to them. When it all happened I wrote him a letter saying I would only want to work things out if he started getting professional help. Weeks passed as we both needed our space. The last thing he said was that he didn't deserve to be with me right now, he said that needs to work on himself first. I agree with that but that evening we were so crossing the lines, I know that I need to set stronger boundries to protect myself. We got caught up with not seeing each other and all the emotions we had. I don't want to feel like a yo-yo...ughh even as I write this - it just all sounds like bad news
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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I am dealing with someone that is out of control, i recognize that I need to take back control of my life and my control. I think I am burned out and tired tonight, debating going to AL-Anon but I never regret going so I will. I guess I just don't want to cry tonight, but feel like I probably will and need to. I love myself and am just allowing myself to have a weak moment, it's okay I guess. I'm feeling better just went back and started thinking to much... any advice is greatly appreciated...Thanks
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
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I so know that feeling. It's been 3 weeks since I've seen my RExAB and the only reason I'm missing him is because I want that companionship and affection. As was just posted you can't have the jekyll without the Hyde.
I miss the fantasy that I created on what our life WOULD be like IF he got better. How he would treat me and himself IF he got better. Well he stopped drinking and DIDNT get better. Drinking/drugs whatever the vice is only the symptom of much bigger underlying issues.
Ask your self do you miss all if him or parts if him? Humans come in one piece we can't pick and choose. Oh I wish but that would be more fantasy thinking.
Do you miss the WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN or COULD POSSIBLY BE? Or do you miss the active addict as he his now?
Our minds are tricky and sometimes our hearts get confused.
I miss the fantasy that I created on what our life WOULD be like IF he got better. How he would treat me and himself IF he got better. Well he stopped drinking and DIDNT get better. Drinking/drugs whatever the vice is only the symptom of much bigger underlying issues.
Ask your self do you miss all if him or parts if him? Humans come in one piece we can't pick and choose. Oh I wish but that would be more fantasy thinking.
Do you miss the WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN or COULD POSSIBLY BE? Or do you miss the active addict as he his now?
Our minds are tricky and sometimes our hearts get confused.
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Location: Columbia MO
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My therapist tells me there is: would have, could have, should have and then there is do, did, does, was, and is. Remember to look at what it IS, right now, in this moment.
Is it good for you or is it bad for you, can you live with what it really is?
I know it hurts like hell to be lonely, but it gets better, I swear it does, I thought sure I would die when I caught my wife cheating and she walked out the door, when I let myself get past it, looked at what we really had all those years, (which when you pulled the skin back it was nothing but pain and sorrow) I started to heal, the first time I started to find happiness she came back and tried to screw it up for me, she wanted me back, lets try again, I told her no, absolutely not, I have had enough of you manipulating me, I walked away with my head held high.
Now I have an amazing wife and wonderful children and no drama.
You can do it to, but you have to decide that you are worth it, you have to have the self-worth to say, I deserve a sober partner, one who does not yell at me, hit me, belittle me, or cheat on me, and the first time someone does that to you, you have to stomp that fire out right then and tell them it never happens again, because you are better than that!
You deserve better than what this guy has to offer!
I know you can do it, if you need a shoulder or a hug send a note to me, I will hold you up until you can walk on your own.
Big hugs,
Bill
Is it good for you or is it bad for you, can you live with what it really is?
I know it hurts like hell to be lonely, but it gets better, I swear it does, I thought sure I would die when I caught my wife cheating and she walked out the door, when I let myself get past it, looked at what we really had all those years, (which when you pulled the skin back it was nothing but pain and sorrow) I started to heal, the first time I started to find happiness she came back and tried to screw it up for me, she wanted me back, lets try again, I told her no, absolutely not, I have had enough of you manipulating me, I walked away with my head held high.
Now I have an amazing wife and wonderful children and no drama.
You can do it to, but you have to decide that you are worth it, you have to have the self-worth to say, I deserve a sober partner, one who does not yell at me, hit me, belittle me, or cheat on me, and the first time someone does that to you, you have to stomp that fire out right then and tell them it never happens again, because you are better than that!
You deserve better than what this guy has to offer!
I know you can do it, if you need a shoulder or a hug send a note to me, I will hold you up until you can walk on your own.
Big hugs,
Bill
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: LA CA
Posts: 110
Thank you both for the words...
Finding joy - Thank you for bringing up that there are underlying issues and when he is sober he can be just as cold. I know the alcohol is just one layer, like an onion of emotion and drama. He carries it EVERYDAY, he is old and gray inside. So young to be so battered (only 26 years old). I am so young at heart at that will never change. I allowed his sadness to be my sadness, it took years of my soul, Yes I admit it's the ...POTENTIAL of what could be and that is such a waste to dream. Why dream when I can just be happy being with me and loving me.
WillBlueDog - A million thank you's, when you said that you let that person go and they tried to affect you again.., OMG That's how I feel, Like the universe is testing me again... He hasn't tried to reach out for a few days and my lack of control is getting the best of me. My favorite part of your writing is that you are happy now, that you have a wonderful person in your life now. That does truly give me hope. I know I'm in the THICK OF IT still and seeing him set me off, it was like I was finally getting piece and then he was back... with no hope still for any sort of future... well at least the one that in my "FANTASY" was hoping he could provide.
At Al-Anon tonight, the topic was trust and intimacy, This time I just listened. At first people were just venting frustrations about specific issues and people. By the end of the night we were all more into the idea about loving one's self and that you are never alone when you have yourself to be with. It was a great lesson that I tend to forget. I am the best person to be with, I am not lonely when I am with myself.
I am truly blessed to have come across this forum, it is such a great reminder that I need to be gentle with myself...One Day At A Time
Finding joy - Thank you for bringing up that there are underlying issues and when he is sober he can be just as cold. I know the alcohol is just one layer, like an onion of emotion and drama. He carries it EVERYDAY, he is old and gray inside. So young to be so battered (only 26 years old). I am so young at heart at that will never change. I allowed his sadness to be my sadness, it took years of my soul, Yes I admit it's the ...POTENTIAL of what could be and that is such a waste to dream. Why dream when I can just be happy being with me and loving me.
WillBlueDog - A million thank you's, when you said that you let that person go and they tried to affect you again.., OMG That's how I feel, Like the universe is testing me again... He hasn't tried to reach out for a few days and my lack of control is getting the best of me. My favorite part of your writing is that you are happy now, that you have a wonderful person in your life now. That does truly give me hope. I know I'm in the THICK OF IT still and seeing him set me off, it was like I was finally getting piece and then he was back... with no hope still for any sort of future... well at least the one that in my "FANTASY" was hoping he could provide.
At Al-Anon tonight, the topic was trust and intimacy, This time I just listened. At first people were just venting frustrations about specific issues and people. By the end of the night we were all more into the idea about loving one's self and that you are never alone when you have yourself to be with. It was a great lesson that I tend to forget. I am the best person to be with, I am not lonely when I am with myself.
I am truly blessed to have come across this forum, it is such a great reminder that I need to be gentle with myself...One Day At A Time
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