New Here....Just looking for help!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: austin
Posts: 6
New Here....Just looking for help!
I've been reading post after post for a few days now, just trying to get a grip on what is actually happening in my life right now. I'm almost 8 months in, since my world came crashing down on me. I found a cell phone that belonged to my AH/Cocaine addict husband that connect him to his "gf" and then while taking that in he tells me he got busted at work for failing a drug test that he needed to check into rehab. All in one swoop, I felt like my world was over. What I thought we had feels like we had nothing. This February we will be married 5 years and together 8 years. Just a little background, we have 6 children. Two were his prior, two were mine prior and we had two. We have custody of his children.
I don't in know where to start in my recovery from all of this reality, I am in a FOG, trying to help him remain sober and at the same time trying to understand the affair. I can honestly say I saw him spiral out of control. I begged, I pleaded, I voiced my concern, threatened everything and anything possible to help him with at the time I thought it was only an alcohol problem. I worked a full time job, owned a business, worked my business and handled the every day life a mother does. I'm anger at myself these days for the pain I feel. I blame myself for working so much and trusting him. At the same time, I know that I worked because any chance he got he was spending money, taking money out of our account for coke and I knew we had bills to pay. The affair lasted a year if that. He claims it wasn't physical, she pumped him up into something he was not. He didn't see her all the time and when he did it was minutes in the morning, she knew nothing of his life only good things, I guess ego jumpers. I know they were saying I love you. Once I found the phone that was it, it was over between them. He knew that was not what he wanted and he ended it and entered rehab. It's been a hard road for us, and I feel like I am trapped in a horrible nightmare that won't end. I can at times feel like my chest just needs to cave in from so much hurt in pain over the drugs and affair. He has stayed off the coke, but for the drinking he actually thinks he can be a casual drinker and I don't feel that way. He blames the drugs/drinking for the affair. He says that he got caught up and started believing what she was saying was true and the guilt help the drugs to continue. I don't know at this point. I have never been like that. I just want to know I am not alone in this painful journey. I want to know that there really is light at the end of the tunnel. Everything he says does not make sense. You don't love someone but you take a phone from her, while your wife is pregnant, you watch your first daughter be born, but you continue to see her for words.
Sorry for the long vent.
I don't in know where to start in my recovery from all of this reality, I am in a FOG, trying to help him remain sober and at the same time trying to understand the affair. I can honestly say I saw him spiral out of control. I begged, I pleaded, I voiced my concern, threatened everything and anything possible to help him with at the time I thought it was only an alcohol problem. I worked a full time job, owned a business, worked my business and handled the every day life a mother does. I'm anger at myself these days for the pain I feel. I blame myself for working so much and trusting him. At the same time, I know that I worked because any chance he got he was spending money, taking money out of our account for coke and I knew we had bills to pay. The affair lasted a year if that. He claims it wasn't physical, she pumped him up into something he was not. He didn't see her all the time and when he did it was minutes in the morning, she knew nothing of his life only good things, I guess ego jumpers. I know they were saying I love you. Once I found the phone that was it, it was over between them. He knew that was not what he wanted and he ended it and entered rehab. It's been a hard road for us, and I feel like I am trapped in a horrible nightmare that won't end. I can at times feel like my chest just needs to cave in from so much hurt in pain over the drugs and affair. He has stayed off the coke, but for the drinking he actually thinks he can be a casual drinker and I don't feel that way. He blames the drugs/drinking for the affair. He says that he got caught up and started believing what she was saying was true and the guilt help the drugs to continue. I don't know at this point. I have never been like that. I just want to know I am not alone in this painful journey. I want to know that there really is light at the end of the tunnel. Everything he says does not make sense. You don't love someone but you take a phone from her, while your wife is pregnant, you watch your first daughter be born, but you continue to see her for words.
Sorry for the long vent.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome, sounds like you have your hands full. If it were me, I would consider not having any more children at this time, I don't know about your first two children, however, the last two with him have inherited the gene that predisposes them to addiction, they have a 50% chance of either becoming an addict or marrying one...not good odds and as a child living with an addict they are exposed to even more issues that they will carry into adulthood.
Have you read Codependent No More? Or, been to Naranon meetings...if not, I wouuld suggest that you do both.
I would also suggest that you read all the stickies at the top of this forum and the Family
& Friends of Substance Abusers, lot of information at your fingertips.
Keep posting and reading, it will help.
Have you read Codependent No More? Or, been to Naranon meetings...if not, I wouuld suggest that you do both.
I would also suggest that you read all the stickies at the top of this forum and the Family
& Friends of Substance Abusers, lot of information at your fingertips.
Keep posting and reading, it will help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: austin
Posts: 6
No more children for us, that is for sure.
I'm ashamed to say that I'm barely educating myself on what is going on in my world. We are in Marriage Counseling and Individual Counseling. I have recently started confiding in family all the heartache going on. I will read the stickies at the top and start getting a grip on my life.
anvilhead ~ I wish he could have ran to rehab along time ago. His work forced him it was not by choice. For the first two weeks he was still in denial that he did not need be there, if he hadn't been tested he wouldn't be in rehab....YES DENIAL. I'm just tired of being the "FIXER"
I'm ashamed to say that I'm barely educating myself on what is going on in my world. We are in Marriage Counseling and Individual Counseling. I have recently started confiding in family all the heartache going on. I will read the stickies at the top and start getting a grip on my life.
anvilhead ~ I wish he could have ran to rehab along time ago. His work forced him it was not by choice. For the first two weeks he was still in denial that he did not need be there, if he hadn't been tested he wouldn't be in rehab....YES DENIAL. I'm just tired of being the "FIXER"
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Rainless, welcome to SR, I am so glad you are here, I know it feels like someone reached in and ripped your guts out, my wife was cheating with a co-worker and it was everone elsed fault but theirs. The drugs, the booze, you work to much, wah wah wah!
All I can say is that it gets better, there is light at the end of the tunnel, unless of course you let him come back when he is not clean and sober, there is still light at the end of the tunnel, but it that case it's a train and it's heading your way fast, how long before it hits you, who knows, but it will.
Please talk to a lawyer so you can secure your finances, and maybe get some child support when he gets out, can the mother take his two?
Just know you can come here any time, you want to rant at him just go right ahead, you want to talk, or a cry on a shoulder of someone who has been through this, you need big hug, or a prayer or two, we will be here.
I hope you can get into counseling or al-anon or nar-anon, counseling and anti-depressants saved my life.
I will say a prayer for you and your children, best of luck to you.
Bill
All I can say is that it gets better, there is light at the end of the tunnel, unless of course you let him come back when he is not clean and sober, there is still light at the end of the tunnel, but it that case it's a train and it's heading your way fast, how long before it hits you, who knows, but it will.
Please talk to a lawyer so you can secure your finances, and maybe get some child support when he gets out, can the mother take his two?
Just know you can come here any time, you want to rant at him just go right ahead, you want to talk, or a cry on a shoulder of someone who has been through this, you need big hug, or a prayer or two, we will be here.
I hope you can get into counseling or al-anon or nar-anon, counseling and anti-depressants saved my life.
I will say a prayer for you and your children, best of luck to you.
Bill
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: austin
Posts: 6
Bill ~ we haven't seen the boys mom in about 5 years, she left them because she was addicted to cocaine as well. The boys have a lot of problems, I've been the structure in their lives. Sad but true.
I feel like a walking bag of tears. I'm ashamed to say that I have been so blind to a world I never knew existed. Boy did my bubble get popped.
Thank you very much for your words and prayer.
I feel like a walking bag of tears. I'm ashamed to say that I have been so blind to a world I never knew existed. Boy did my bubble get popped.
Thank you very much for your words and prayer.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Rainless-
I finally got myself some help when my ex-husband who had struggled with alcohol use our whole marriage had an affair. It was FINALLY the piece that broke my back and got me into recovery for this aspect of my life.
It is a lot of information to sort through, and for me at the point you are talking about I was still in a huge chunk of overwhelm and was not capable of making any long-term decisions.
I could make short term ones though. Ones that kept me safe in the moment (and your kiddos too). Ones that I knew were helpful for my long-term recovery.
This is what helped me (in no particular order)
1. Al-anon (with both substance use and the affair....). Honestly it has helped all of my relationships
2. Counseling like what you are doing. Especially my individual counselor had a background in addiction work and that was incredibly helpful
3. Reading, about affairs (Janis Abrahm Springs, Shirley Glass), about addiction (Al-anon literature, Claudia Black, Under the Influence). It was helpful to know I was not alone in what I was experiencing. There are also support systems out there for those living with infidelity similar to this for addiction which I found very helpful.
4. The Three Cs
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this
(It is an Al-anon saying, but for me it applied to the affair as well).
5. Being gentle with myself. One of these items is not easy to deal with....never mind both on top of each other. It only got worse when I started beating myself up in any way. "I was not a good enough wife. If I was healthy he would not need the affair or the substance etc." All that did was hurt me more. Support in this was key also.
Sending kind thoughts your way.
I finally got myself some help when my ex-husband who had struggled with alcohol use our whole marriage had an affair. It was FINALLY the piece that broke my back and got me into recovery for this aspect of my life.
It is a lot of information to sort through, and for me at the point you are talking about I was still in a huge chunk of overwhelm and was not capable of making any long-term decisions.
I could make short term ones though. Ones that kept me safe in the moment (and your kiddos too). Ones that I knew were helpful for my long-term recovery.
This is what helped me (in no particular order)
1. Al-anon (with both substance use and the affair....). Honestly it has helped all of my relationships
2. Counseling like what you are doing. Especially my individual counselor had a background in addiction work and that was incredibly helpful
3. Reading, about affairs (Janis Abrahm Springs, Shirley Glass), about addiction (Al-anon literature, Claudia Black, Under the Influence). It was helpful to know I was not alone in what I was experiencing. There are also support systems out there for those living with infidelity similar to this for addiction which I found very helpful.
4. The Three Cs
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this
(It is an Al-anon saying, but for me it applied to the affair as well).
5. Being gentle with myself. One of these items is not easy to deal with....never mind both on top of each other. It only got worse when I started beating myself up in any way. "I was not a good enough wife. If I was healthy he would not need the affair or the substance etc." All that did was hurt me more. Support in this was key also.
Sending kind thoughts your way.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.
I had to seperate funds/bills/credit with my AH. I tried controlling his finances, but he just went out and rented a P.O. Box and applied for new credit cards - which he then used as ATM cards to get cash to get his fix (alcohol & gambling).
We had a financial nightmare!
I found the following information helpful to me in learning how to live with addiction in my home. This is a link to a post that contains steps which helped me:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.
I had to seperate funds/bills/credit with my AH. I tried controlling his finances, but he just went out and rented a P.O. Box and applied for new credit cards - which he then used as ATM cards to get cash to get his fix (alcohol & gambling).
We had a financial nightmare!
I found the following information helpful to me in learning how to live with addiction in my home. This is a link to a post that contains steps which helped me:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I believe the priority must be the children and providing consistent daily structure for them and NO DRAMA IN THEIR HOME.
He will bring in crisis the moment he walks through the door and you will participate in it, and the safe, consistent, nurturing environment your children MUST HAVE in order not to be damaged beyond measure will be lost.
My advice in addition to the the excellent advice of others is to immediately see a lawyer, follow that lawyer's advice about WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR CHILDREN, and no matter what your AH does or says, no matter what, do what the lawyer says, making it crystal clear to the lawyer that the safety and psychological health of your children is paramount to everything else and that you are willing to DIVORCE the AH tomorrow if that will ensure it.
That is the bottom line.
And one day, I promise you, you will reap all the rewards of doing the right thing for them.
As for the light at the end of our tunnels: we have to meet that light halfway. Nothing comes to us for free. If you want a healthy, stable life of trust and love, then you have to learn some lessons and do some work on you. What AH has done is a nightmare for you, and you should not ever feel you caused it, ever.
But we have to grow up ourselves, we really do, and that does take a willingness to engage in recovery and counseling. So I'm really glad you are in counseling and hope finances allow you to continue in it for several months. And Al-Anon is free.
But the children are the only issue right now, in my opinion. Secure your home. Then work on yourself.
God bless you and your children.
He will bring in crisis the moment he walks through the door and you will participate in it, and the safe, consistent, nurturing environment your children MUST HAVE in order not to be damaged beyond measure will be lost.
My advice in addition to the the excellent advice of others is to immediately see a lawyer, follow that lawyer's advice about WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR CHILDREN, and no matter what your AH does or says, no matter what, do what the lawyer says, making it crystal clear to the lawyer that the safety and psychological health of your children is paramount to everything else and that you are willing to DIVORCE the AH tomorrow if that will ensure it.
That is the bottom line.
And one day, I promise you, you will reap all the rewards of doing the right thing for them.
As for the light at the end of our tunnels: we have to meet that light halfway. Nothing comes to us for free. If you want a healthy, stable life of trust and love, then you have to learn some lessons and do some work on you. What AH has done is a nightmare for you, and you should not ever feel you caused it, ever.
But we have to grow up ourselves, we really do, and that does take a willingness to engage in recovery and counseling. So I'm really glad you are in counseling and hope finances allow you to continue in it for several months. And Al-Anon is free.
But the children are the only issue right now, in my opinion. Secure your home. Then work on yourself.
God bless you and your children.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Rainless,
Welcome to the forums! Many here have walked the path you are on right now and sadly are only reflecting what is the reality of the terrible odds you are facing for a happy ending.
Your husband is forced into recovery because of work and stopped the affair because he was caught and is insisting that alcohol should still be a part of his life????
Quite obviously he is not making good decisions and he has broken his trust with you and his children.
HIs issues... irresponsibily and addiction are not going to go away except by a DEEP desire to change through authentic recovery... a forever process!
This is HIS choice and his problem... You on the other hand need to think about your own life choices and boundaries.
There is a book I just read called Redemptive Divorce (google it for the website) and I loved it because you can draw your boundaries and even seperate or file for divorce and clearly map out what it would take in ACTION and timeline before you would consider a potential reconciliation.
It is the ultimate intervention while you give yourself the peace of not being responsible for "fixing" or even being involved with his recovery because you are working on your peace, your own serenity through your own program.
I know that was a lot and you probably arent ready for this "meat" when some milk during this difficult, sad and distressing time is happening to you. It is hard words... but the reality is that it is very, very few men or women for that matter that truly embrace recovery and change and trying to patch together a life with broken addicts is a life of hell on earth... it was for me and thousands of others on this board.
That being said... most of had to find out the hard way and walk it out day by day until we hit our own bottoms and started climbing out of the pit one step at a time and that usually meant leaving the addictive spouse behind.
If you choose to stick it out that is OK and there are ways to help yourself find peace even in the middle of insanity... Alanon, this board and lots of reading!
Whatever you choose... we are with ya 100% cheering you on and praying for you.
Keep coming back...
Welcome to the forums! Many here have walked the path you are on right now and sadly are only reflecting what is the reality of the terrible odds you are facing for a happy ending.
Your husband is forced into recovery because of work and stopped the affair because he was caught and is insisting that alcohol should still be a part of his life????
Quite obviously he is not making good decisions and he has broken his trust with you and his children.
HIs issues... irresponsibily and addiction are not going to go away except by a DEEP desire to change through authentic recovery... a forever process!
This is HIS choice and his problem... You on the other hand need to think about your own life choices and boundaries.
There is a book I just read called Redemptive Divorce (google it for the website) and I loved it because you can draw your boundaries and even seperate or file for divorce and clearly map out what it would take in ACTION and timeline before you would consider a potential reconciliation.
It is the ultimate intervention while you give yourself the peace of not being responsible for "fixing" or even being involved with his recovery because you are working on your peace, your own serenity through your own program.
I know that was a lot and you probably arent ready for this "meat" when some milk during this difficult, sad and distressing time is happening to you. It is hard words... but the reality is that it is very, very few men or women for that matter that truly embrace recovery and change and trying to patch together a life with broken addicts is a life of hell on earth... it was for me and thousands of others on this board.
That being said... most of had to find out the hard way and walk it out day by day until we hit our own bottoms and started climbing out of the pit one step at a time and that usually meant leaving the addictive spouse behind.
If you choose to stick it out that is OK and there are ways to help yourself find peace even in the middle of insanity... Alanon, this board and lots of reading!
Whatever you choose... we are with ya 100% cheering you on and praying for you.
Keep coming back...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: austin
Posts: 6
I really appreciate all the advice and additional books and websites. Lord knows I need it.
I do need to get out of this funk. 8 months of living hell. 8 months of emotions I never knew existed. I'm not the same person I once was. I was out going and full of life. He sucked my soul the year he spiraled and then to find out there was hidden drugs, a secret phone, meeting her in the morning. While I was stuck in reality putting all the fires out in our house, thinking he didn't love me, or he was tired from working even though I was the one working my full time job and my business. I was the one calling out that I wanted to be with my kids on the weekend. I wanted to be him having fun while I was working.
I can't believe I was so blind to believe he could stay off the coke. I never knew how addicting it was and the drinking my gosh.
My life is a wreck, my house is a wreck, I don't even check homework anymore. I have got to get out of this for my kids sake. I love my husband, but he can't see that the drinking and drugs are serious issues. There are triggers, there is relapse.
I do need to get out of this funk. 8 months of living hell. 8 months of emotions I never knew existed. I'm not the same person I once was. I was out going and full of life. He sucked my soul the year he spiraled and then to find out there was hidden drugs, a secret phone, meeting her in the morning. While I was stuck in reality putting all the fires out in our house, thinking he didn't love me, or he was tired from working even though I was the one working my full time job and my business. I was the one calling out that I wanted to be with my kids on the weekend. I wanted to be him having fun while I was working.
I can't believe I was so blind to believe he could stay off the coke. I never knew how addicting it was and the drinking my gosh.
My life is a wreck, my house is a wreck, I don't even check homework anymore. I have got to get out of this for my kids sake. I love my husband, but he can't see that the drinking and drugs are serious issues. There are triggers, there is relapse.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Tucson
Posts: 71
Hugs rainless.
I just wanted to say that I know how it feels to feel like your not the same person any more. For me thats been a good place to start. Just trying to find your way back to the you that you remember and felt good about being. I'm trusting that if I do that, the rest of my life will get sorted out in the process. It's helping me to see the problems so I can try to find my way back to something good and its helping me to see more choices then I felt I had. I think its my best chance to find the right choices that are good for both me and my kids.
I'm just beginning on all this, but alanon seems like a good tool to help anyone looking for that.
I just wanted to say that I know how it feels to feel like your not the same person any more. For me thats been a good place to start. Just trying to find your way back to the you that you remember and felt good about being. I'm trusting that if I do that, the rest of my life will get sorted out in the process. It's helping me to see the problems so I can try to find my way back to something good and its helping me to see more choices then I felt I had. I think its my best chance to find the right choices that are good for both me and my kids.
I'm just beginning on all this, but alanon seems like a good tool to help anyone looking for that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Welcome Rainless, we're glad you found us and please remember you don't have to pull your whole world together right this moment, just breath. Take small steps, keep your feet moving forward there is a way and the more information you have the more options you have so please read as much as you can.
We're here for you.
We're here for you.
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