blakemadison

A few months back when I left my XABF I read a book called "Should I Stay Or Should I Go...a guide for knowing if your relationship can-and should-be saved." That period of time was the beginning of my recovery. I booked a last minute trip out of the country by myself and took that book along with me. I highly recommend it to those of you who are not only dealing with someone's addiction but other abusive behaviors that go along with it. I filled up a notebook full of quotes out of this book that I have to go back to frequently to remind myself. Here's a few out of the chapters on addiction:

Alcohol/drugs in combination with other issues:

"Alcohol and drugs can feed other destructive issues (i.e. become more verbally vicious or violent) BUT getting abuser clean/sober will NOT stop abusiveness...may lessen extremes or may not do that. Reality is abusiveness and substance addiction are two separate issues."

"If he gets clean it will increase chance he could do the work on dealing with other issues but there's no guarantee. He will have to work hard on abusiveness or personality disorder as he does on recovery. If he doesn't, his treamtment of you will remain destructive. Regret to say many men work on addiction but dig heels in when time to address abusiveness or mental health disorder. "


"If he's in therapy and/or substnce abuse treatment, his values, attitudes and beliefs about women typically won't receive any attention from professionals who are helping him. And if he resolves trauma or addiction without addressing destructive or entitled values, then he will continue to be a destructive partment."

"May make you more uncensored, BUT substance did NOT put thinking inside of him; it was already there...the content of his tirades reveal his values about your role as a partner, your worth as a human being and the purpose of a woman's body. Regardless of the damage your partner has sustained emotionally he is responsile for his behavior and his thinking."

Of course the "he" can be replaced with "she" in all of these statements if your addict is female but this book was geared towards women.

My XABF and I have had very minimal contact over the last few months. This week was a major setback to me and I was reminded to read my notes on this book again so I thought I would share it with you. Although he has been clean (only for a month), he still can't deal with the fact I have anger and basically called me an "a--hole" via text for calling him out on not having any emotional insight. Obviously he is not on drugs and going to meetings and has a sponsor and is doing everything he should be doing. Obviously, his verbal abusiveness is something he is nowhere near dealing with, on drugs or not. Obviously, I blocked him again. I feel as if it's a no win situation when you're dealing with someone getting clean. They have to focus on their recovery which means (at least I think) there's still going to be no focus on you or the trail of crap they left behind. They can't handle it. Well, who knows, maybe some can. But the abusive type certaily can't in early recovery. It will be many years I think before my x would be in a place to man up to what he's done.

My last point I struggled with for a long time is trying to discern whether his abuse was because of the drugs or really who he was. After reading this book, I see his verbal and emotional abuse were already there before the drugs. The drugs just made it worse.

blakemadison

"If he's in therapy and/or substnce abuse treatment, his values, attitudes and beliefs about women typically won't receive any attention from professionals who are helping him. And if he resolves trauma or addiction without addressing destructive or entitled values, then he will continue to be a destructive partment."

.......sorry this is meant to say "partner"

itsanewday2011

That was really good stuff - thank you! I am struggling with my ex as he is in active recovery but keeps wanting to talk about the past and just sent me an email two nights ago about how he "disappeared" from our marriage 4 years before our divorce! He too strugglings with verbal abuse (and has history of that and physical abuse in our family) and also isn't giving attention to his mental health issues in my humble opinion.

Thanks for sharing this - it just puts "on paper" some of the things I have been wondering about.

Best to you.

laurie6781

Thank you very much.

This book gets mentioned every now and then (about 2 - 3 months) by one of our members. It is an EXCELLENT book with lots of good information.

Love and hugs,

outtolunch

It's been decades since I had an x anything. Back then, x usually meant x, not sustained contact and attempts to breath life into hopeful fantasies.

Texting and social media are game changers. It's so easy, too easy, to remain connected to our wishful thinking and hopeful fantasies, whatever they are.

Most folk never get around to owning the trail of carp left behind and this has nothing to do with addiction.

blakemadison

Agreed that social media makes it so much harder and makes it easier for people to be emotionally unavailable and to throw out hurtful things when you don't have to hear the person's voice or see their face. But, even with social media there are things that you can do to cut contact......like block them from your email and facebook and block their ability to text or call. I had to call my cell phone carrier to do this but it can be done.

It was truly a hard thing for me to realize that the abusiveness was not necessarily the drugs. The drugs are bad enough. You think that if a person gets clean or sober they would stop the other things and it's easy to use that as a crutch to keep your fantacy going about the person you want them to be.....if only he stopped using, things could be good or better....NOT.

Anyway, this is a great book because it is written as a workbook guide for the reader to think and write about things as you work through the book. It was a huge eye opener to me.

Thanks for your posts.

Freedom1990

This was a good reminder for me of why I don't want to live that way anymore.