munchkin05

So I received another response from my Dad via email.
My Mom and him have discussed it and they believe I do not have a problem with alcohol. I simply cannot have a problem with it since they've never seen me have a problem. Then they asked if maybe it was my hubby that was saying I had a problem (so therefore then the problem is him, right?)
Then he made sure to cover his arguments against AA. AA is a cult type of organization that works to constantly remind its members that they have a "sickness" that will never be gone and that they can never drink again.
I guess AA "changed" one of my Dad's good friends and now the guy is no longer what he used to be. (I'm imagining he used to be a party animal before, now he's just friendly, nice, whatever)
Lastly, he made sure to remind me that I have built a successful career and if I start hanging around AA groups word will get back to my job and my future/past job when I move.

So I learned my lesson. Telling my doctor. Good. Telling my acupuncturist. Good. Talking to the therapist/ASAP therapist. Good.
Telling Dad. Not good.

Dee74

my parents reacted the same way - their son could not be an alcoholic.

Over the years tho, even they have to concede it's been a great lifestyle choice for me to remain sober - I'm sure your Dad will get on board too

D

flamingredhair

I still think it's best that you told him, Munchkin. Try to look at it as a chance to educate him. In the long run, it may be for the greater good.

munchkin05

I think part of it is the fact that I am their child that never really messes up, always the reliable one, always the good one.
Now the issue is though is I want to make sure they do NOT blame my hubby.

onlythetruth

Interesting that your Dad had that reaction. My Mom did too. Said she'd never seen the problem, so it couldn't possibly exist! Now granted, I was someone who went out of my way to hide my drinking. I was very much in the closet for a long time, but I was still pretty shocked at her reaction since on my last drunk I passed out while on the phone with HER!

I don't know what your relationship with your Dad is like or exactly how you might handle this, but do remember that it isn't important what your parents think: it's only important what you KNOW. For me, I pretty much ignored ol' Mom. She meant well, but she had no clue in the world.

As far as AA...well, you need to form your own opinion after educating yourself about all the options available, of which AA is only one. It isn't for him to tell you what approach you should use to address your addiction to alcohol.

munchkin05

I am like you onlythetruth. I was very much in the closet when it came to my drinking. That applied to them, my son, my hubby, etc. Hubby saw it but only when I really chose to let him see it. Son saw little bits here and there. Mom and Dad barely anything. They saw me having a glass or two of wine, a foo foo cocktail, maybe a martini, that was about it.
I was always very sneaky about my drinking.

flamingredhair

I was a sneaky drunk too. My alcoholism came as a complete surprise to everyone who knows me.

Pigtails

I completely agree with this!

Munch, I'm sorry your dad had this reaction. I had many people tell me I'm not an alcoholic after I tried to tell them why I'm not drinking. The simple fact of the matter is that no one is in your skin/mind and no one knows what it's like to be you. Your dad is not there with you 24/7, he doesn't see the amount of how much you drink, or the frequency, or, what I think is most important, how it affects you. And he is not in your MIND and alcoholism is a disease of the mind, so, he does not know your inner-most thoughts and feelings.

I do think it comes from a stigma and people not wanting to admit that other people they love/raised could have this horrible problem. But people who have had it or who know people who have had it DO understand. That's what is most valuable about AA to me right now-- it's a group of people who have been where I am, or who are still where I am, and who support me 100%. That kind of support and understanding is priceless, especially when I get surprising and hurtful reactions everywhere else!

AA may not ultimately be for me, or you. Who knows? But why throw something out just because other people have a problem with it? (Not saying you are doing this... but this seems to be what your dad wants you to do). I hate how people think it is better to just keep drinking or struggle in silence than to join up together in solidarity in hopes of a better, sober life. To me the stigma should be with drinking, not with recovery groups. Yes, AA does change people but it's because alcohol changes people! No one is who they truly are when they are drinking. So who knows who they will become when they stop drinking and work on themselves. If they don't meet other people's expectations, too bad! All that is important is that that person is as healthy and happy as they can be, and is striving for continued happiness and healthiness, which of course, for an alcoholic, includes sobriety.

Anyway I still think it is strong and good of you to have told your dad. I admire you. You are being open and honest with yourself and others about your struggle, and if those people aren't supportive, it is their problem, not yours. I also don't think it's a big deal if your dad thinks your husband is behind this. I mean, honestly, if your husband DID think you had a problem drinking, that would be more evidence that you did, and more of a reason to work on the issue! How in the world could your husband ever be responsible for your own decisions about drinking or not drinking? It's just a ridiculous proposition and, to me it would be insulting that my dad thinks I can't make up my own mind about things, but rather my husband puts silly little ideas into my head. (Rolling my eyes). I mean, I understand a father's instinct to be protective and put his princess first and blame her husband, but, really... he needs to respect that you are an adult and capable of determining your own issues and addressing them. Now that you have brought up the issue with your dad, I hope you can continue being strong for yourself, without worrying too much about what he thinks. I know you can do it!! Please keep us updated ,and, best wishes.

munchkin05

Pigtails,
Thank God my hubby is behind me 110%. He's been saying for the past 4 yrs or so that he's worried about me.
The really crazy thing is my Mom is (I believe) a late stage alcoholic. She has the shakes, she has the non stop having to run to the bathroom because her stomach and intestines are so bothered by the alcohol. She drinks easily about 1 quart of vodka a day along with a bottle of wine.
Previously Dad and I discussed it but then they moved and now Dad says Mom is not drinking as much. Hubby and I believe that Mom is actually now learning to hide her consumption even more, now that Dad is around the house.
Now all that said, Mom is not my issue. I am. And my husband and son are. I'm getting sober for me, my husband and son. My biggest reason for telling my Dad was because he was wanting to send my Mom out to visit this month or next and I (along with my therapists) felt that it was not a wise move for me.
Now I'm wondering if I at least accomplished Mom not coming out.

Threshold

It's natural for humans to deny, rationalize things that are big, scary and overwhelming for them. Chances are that in time, they will accept it. Don't sweat their initial reaction too too much.

It took ME awhile to believe I had an issue.

michelle01

Many people have very predetermined ideas in their head about what defines an 'alcoholic', and family members can be in denial - it can't happen in my family and soforth. Only you can determine your own action towards your problem, you don't really have control over the way others respond. At the end of the day, you have to do what is best for yourself, and focus on your own issues.

DayTrader

I dunno...... I don't think it's necessarily "not good." That your dad can't deal with it really isn't your problem - it's his. And thankfully, your sobriety isn't dependent upon anyone's opinion or beliefs - it's dependent upon YOUR ACTIONS. And from what I've seen in recovered alcoholics, honesty is a key ingredient.

I can see a lot of possible good things that can come from you getting honest with your father.

Terminally Unique

I find this interesting, considering my own experience, which was very different. My parents said to me: "YOU'RE AN ALCOHOLIC !!!! GET HELP !!! GO TO AA !!! GO TO TREATMENT !!!"

I fought them, and somehow they got the whole family to "gang up" on me, and I still fought them. To this day, I have never once conceded to them that I was "an alcoholic," nor will I ever do so. Moral of the story? You should certainly listen to what your parents have to say, but in the end, you have to decide for yourself what you are or are not.

sugarbear1

You're gonna stay stopped! Be proud of you!

neferkamichael

Munchkin, naturally your parents dont want you to have a problem. It's more important for you to decide if you have a problem. Then if you want to get rid of the problem take the actions necessary.

dorito281211

I admire you for telling them, I was around my entire family this past week, and I didn't tell them

karilynn27

a couple family members strongly agreed and some were like I know but when they see me going to meeting and working do hard to stay sober they ask do you really ned this much help. Some are asking questions about my drinking and shocked with my answers. Then some people think I'm joking.
Regardless, I know and I'm working hard.
keep it up

dawnrunner

I had the same experience with family and a few friends, when I talked about quitting and getting help.

I felt that they were reacting out of some kind of protectiveness: protecting the relationship, which was with me as I was, not who I might become. And what society pictures as a "recovering alcoholic" is someone with a sad face, white knuckles, jumpy, ill-looking, can't laugh, etc. Remember the AA phrase, "We are not a glum lot!" There's a reason that needs to be said; it's the stereotype.

Your dad's reaction has got to be complicated by your mom's drinking too. He must be scared sometimes.

Anyway you initiated a line of thought, and the first reaction is not going to be the last. Stay strong and feel wonderful!

foodie1

uugh, i'm sorry to hear that munchkin

Pigtails

I'm glad your husband is supporting you and I'm glad your head is in the right place and you are doing this for yourself!! Yay.

It astounds me that even after living with an active alcoholic your father is in denial that her daughter could be one too!

I was afraid to tell my dad about my issues because he really likes to drink his wine and beer, and I was his drinking buddy. He was upset when my younger brother stopped drinking and I thought he would be upset with me too. I told him I stopped for medical reasons-- my anxiety-induced sleep disorder-- and surprisingly he said he bets I save a lot of money and there are many benefits to not drinking. It may have helped that he has other drinking buddies now-- his next-door neighbor, my sister and her boyfriend, my boyfriend that I brought home for him to meet. Or maybe his different reactions to my brother and me means he is at a different place is in own life. But in any event, it all just goes to show that we can't anticipate or rely on other people's reactions and we have to just keep on keepin' on for ourselves. Best wishes!!