Haven't been here in a while - sorry for long post but need insight
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 159
Haven't been here in a while - sorry for long post but need insight
Hi all, I haven't been here in a while as things settled down. Long story short, I have been divorced from addict husband since August. The chaos started last January, and lasted until September (significant cocaine binge in house for 3 weeks ending with ex going into rehab for a month - relapse after rehab lasted from March-Sept). We also have an almost 3 year old together. My ex lost his job, we got a divorce and he basically lost contact with his family and all friends until recently. This was his 4th time in rehab (he is early 40s, and history goes back to high school).
Things have been going along fine, ex has been pretty consistent w/ his supervised visits 2x/week with our daughter. (I am the "supervisor"). We actually have been getting along better now that we are divorced.
The new emotional drama hit this weekend. I will try to "bullet point" it as there is a lot of "intertwined" stuff.
Ex sent me an email that he wanted to talk to me about a 'safety concern' for our daughter. He said he had talked to his sponsor and other people about how to bring it up. Long story short, we had a long talk on January 1 about how he did more drugs that he lead on during our marriage (drug of choice: cocaine) - we were married 7 years. Said when he used 80% of the time it was with my brother. I know my brother has used in the past (and knew of a couple instances with ex), but he isn't an "addict" (and/or isn't using). My ex said that last Christmas (a year ago) when visiting my bro, they "used together". This was when my brother and his wife had just had a baby (their son was a week old at the time). Long story short, I contacted my brother to ask about ex's accusations....he is ticked to no end about this and said my hubby brought the drugs up there and was high as a kite and is lying about it (how clueless am I - didn't know my ex was using at the time - thought my ex was having a "manic episode" from his bipolar).
My brother acknowledges use but said he didn't use then. Frankly, my brother is a much better father and is better with my daughter than my ex. However, both of them have concealed things from me and lied so I really don't fully trust anything they both say. However, blood is thicker than water, right? My brother and his wife are fabulous with my daughter, and right now I don't have an ounce of concern about our daughter spending time with them. My brother said he called my ex and left a scathing message....out of my control, but I guess that is how he needed to deal with it. Even when sober, my ex forgets to hold our daughter's hand when crossing a street, so even sober, I am more concerned about her safety with him.
To add to the stress, my ex is now wanting to have visits 3x/week with my daughter (in our divorce decree once he is consistent for 3 months 2x/week it says we go to 3x/week). I have a demanding job, and scheduling visits 2x/week is challenging enough. Also, my ex never seems to spend the full 2 hours with her (he always is looking at his watch, has to go to a "meeting") but claims that the meetings are short because our daughter is "sick" or tired. Also, I never get "alone" time since I am the supervisor. I am going to a child psychologist to see what she says as I am all for more parenting time if it is in our child's best interest, but my daughter seems to have a rough time adjusting the day after she sees her dad.
Then comes today....my ex sends me another email saying he has "concerns about some things that have come to his attention"....I call him about it and he says that he will just let it "take its course" and doesn't tell me what the issue is....I have no idea what he is talking about and told him he is being manipulative and passive aggressive.
When we talked on the phone on the 1st, he said our marriage was "toxic" and he brought out the worst in me and that he basically gave up on everything in 2007 (this was before we had a child - which, we had to use "help" to have our baby girl).
I am just dumbfounded by this new "drama"...ex is now claiming to be happier than he has been in years. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled he is getting help and is currently free from his addiction. He is also bi-polar and has been seeing a dual diagnosis provider and hasn't been on meds in 6 months and has "never felt better" because he is dealing with his "addict/alcoholic". He said he has always been a pretty "f-d" up person.
Any insight on this convoluted story would be helpful. Basically, the conversations with him over the last few days have brought up more of the hurt, betrayal and lies and I was just starting to get over them and head into 2012 with a "fresh start" but now I seem to be re-living all of the emotions again. Curious to any perspective you all can give on any of the topics? I feel bad as I have been so distracted the last couple of days it really impeded on my quality time with my daughter, and I need to just let go and move on....
Things have been going along fine, ex has been pretty consistent w/ his supervised visits 2x/week with our daughter. (I am the "supervisor"). We actually have been getting along better now that we are divorced.
The new emotional drama hit this weekend. I will try to "bullet point" it as there is a lot of "intertwined" stuff.
Ex sent me an email that he wanted to talk to me about a 'safety concern' for our daughter. He said he had talked to his sponsor and other people about how to bring it up. Long story short, we had a long talk on January 1 about how he did more drugs that he lead on during our marriage (drug of choice: cocaine) - we were married 7 years. Said when he used 80% of the time it was with my brother. I know my brother has used in the past (and knew of a couple instances with ex), but he isn't an "addict" (and/or isn't using). My ex said that last Christmas (a year ago) when visiting my bro, they "used together". This was when my brother and his wife had just had a baby (their son was a week old at the time). Long story short, I contacted my brother to ask about ex's accusations....he is ticked to no end about this and said my hubby brought the drugs up there and was high as a kite and is lying about it (how clueless am I - didn't know my ex was using at the time - thought my ex was having a "manic episode" from his bipolar).
My brother acknowledges use but said he didn't use then. Frankly, my brother is a much better father and is better with my daughter than my ex. However, both of them have concealed things from me and lied so I really don't fully trust anything they both say. However, blood is thicker than water, right? My brother and his wife are fabulous with my daughter, and right now I don't have an ounce of concern about our daughter spending time with them. My brother said he called my ex and left a scathing message....out of my control, but I guess that is how he needed to deal with it. Even when sober, my ex forgets to hold our daughter's hand when crossing a street, so even sober, I am more concerned about her safety with him.
To add to the stress, my ex is now wanting to have visits 3x/week with my daughter (in our divorce decree once he is consistent for 3 months 2x/week it says we go to 3x/week). I have a demanding job, and scheduling visits 2x/week is challenging enough. Also, my ex never seems to spend the full 2 hours with her (he always is looking at his watch, has to go to a "meeting") but claims that the meetings are short because our daughter is "sick" or tired. Also, I never get "alone" time since I am the supervisor. I am going to a child psychologist to see what she says as I am all for more parenting time if it is in our child's best interest, but my daughter seems to have a rough time adjusting the day after she sees her dad.
Then comes today....my ex sends me another email saying he has "concerns about some things that have come to his attention"....I call him about it and he says that he will just let it "take its course" and doesn't tell me what the issue is....I have no idea what he is talking about and told him he is being manipulative and passive aggressive.
When we talked on the phone on the 1st, he said our marriage was "toxic" and he brought out the worst in me and that he basically gave up on everything in 2007 (this was before we had a child - which, we had to use "help" to have our baby girl).
I am just dumbfounded by this new "drama"...ex is now claiming to be happier than he has been in years. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled he is getting help and is currently free from his addiction. He is also bi-polar and has been seeing a dual diagnosis provider and hasn't been on meds in 6 months and has "never felt better" because he is dealing with his "addict/alcoholic". He said he has always been a pretty "f-d" up person.
Any insight on this convoluted story would be helpful. Basically, the conversations with him over the last few days have brought up more of the hurt, betrayal and lies and I was just starting to get over them and head into 2012 with a "fresh start" but now I seem to be re-living all of the emotions again. Curious to any perspective you all can give on any of the topics? I feel bad as I have been so distracted the last couple of days it really impeded on my quality time with my daughter, and I need to just let go and move on....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
It sounds like your ex is creating drama. I don't think he's been clean long enough to start making any major parenting decisions, and perhaps he's trying to point to other people and undefined "concerns" as a way to assuage his own guilt about fatherhood.
however...and this comes from my own flawed experiences...
If he says your brother did drugs with him, and you know your brother to have done so in the past, I would probably believe the worst of whatever I heard. That doesn't mean that you have cause for concern about having your daughter around your brother at all, but leaving her with him unsupervised? I would be cautious about that. He can argue "Oh yeah, I used with him before, but not that time," but does that really make it any better? One consequence of using drugs that your brother needs to learn is that it greatly diminishes your credibility with those of us that don't thing drug use is normal. I'm saying this because when my RA brother told me about our other brother using with him and having a problem too, I chose to ignore at the time, yet today I believe it is likely the truth because I've seen additional evidence. So take it for what it's worth from me, I'm jaded. It doesn't mean the same is true in your situation.
As far as scheduling, I wouldn't try to extend the schedule under the circumstances you describe. If it seems difficult for your daughter to adjust, it's plainly not going to be better for her to increase visiting time.
however...and this comes from my own flawed experiences...
If he says your brother did drugs with him, and you know your brother to have done so in the past, I would probably believe the worst of whatever I heard. That doesn't mean that you have cause for concern about having your daughter around your brother at all, but leaving her with him unsupervised? I would be cautious about that. He can argue "Oh yeah, I used with him before, but not that time," but does that really make it any better? One consequence of using drugs that your brother needs to learn is that it greatly diminishes your credibility with those of us that don't thing drug use is normal. I'm saying this because when my RA brother told me about our other brother using with him and having a problem too, I chose to ignore at the time, yet today I believe it is likely the truth because I've seen additional evidence. So take it for what it's worth from me, I'm jaded. It doesn't mean the same is true in your situation.
As far as scheduling, I wouldn't try to extend the schedule under the circumstances you describe. If it seems difficult for your daughter to adjust, it's plainly not going to be better for her to increase visiting time.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
This must be hard for you, to take good care of your child and to try to move forward in your own life at the same time.
Maybe tell him that when he is with you (with your child) to keep his focus on being with her and that you don't want to hear about his past use, how much or with whom he used. That part of your life is over, let it go and don't let him drag you back there. He is there to bond with his daughter, not you manipulate you or try to direct your life.
We can't change what was, but we can take control of "what is" in our presence and set boundaries on what we will or will not discuss.
Hugs
Maybe tell him that when he is with you (with your child) to keep his focus on being with her and that you don't want to hear about his past use, how much or with whom he used. That part of your life is over, let it go and don't let him drag you back there. He is there to bond with his daughter, not you manipulate you or try to direct your life.
We can't change what was, but we can take control of "what is" in our presence and set boundaries on what we will or will not discuss.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 159
Thank you Ann and Hanna for your posts. I think he thought that talking about it (he wanted to talk about "us") was a part of his "healing process" and he said he needed to so he could be "honest with me". But, it did just drag me back in!
Ann, thanks for the tips - you are right - I don't need to keep reliving the past so I will tell him that next time.
Hanna - thanks for the comments about your experiences. I trust my brother with my daughter, but don't leave her alone with him. I think you are right that there is probably "more to the story" and I just need to always be extra diligent!
I love this site - thanks for helping give me "calm" as I start my work week!
Ann, thanks for the tips - you are right - I don't need to keep reliving the past so I will tell him that next time.
Hanna - thanks for the comments about your experiences. I trust my brother with my daughter, but don't leave her alone with him. I think you are right that there is probably "more to the story" and I just need to always be extra diligent!
I love this site - thanks for helping give me "calm" as I start my work week!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It may be good for his recovery, but it isn't good for yours. The fessing up/honesty step clearly states "...unless to do so would be harmful to yourself or others" He must respect that and do his fessing up to his sponsor
Reminds me of a saying I always loved...."Don't look back, you're not going there." I think of that often when I begin to re-live the bad parts of my life.
Hugs
Reminds me of a saying I always loved...."Don't look back, you're not going there." I think of that often when I begin to re-live the bad parts of my life.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
I'm not quite clear on the timeline, but it does seem pretty clear that his communication is not clear. When we get into recovery and start looking at the chance to make amends with people we can quite often focus on those we hurt most first...the shame and blame and hurt...we just want to sweep it away. That is why working with a sponsor is so important, whatever he is doing (which sounds painful and kind of manipulative) is most likely not being advised by anyone in a healthy program.
It is unfortunate, for this reason, that you are bound in the unhealthy communication due to the visits. I agree that it would be best to have a neutral party handle the visits. Also, concerning maybe at least part of the emotional that your daughter experiences post-visit...part of that my be that she is picking up on the unhealthy connection between the two of you...not your fault whatsoever, but I only imagine it exists? He is not deep into recovery enough yet to handle communication with you in a way that promotes healing and serenity...thus your feelings of betrayal and hurt get triggered.
I think the best thing you can do is bone up on your meetings and your own resolve to healthy boundaries...even if they exist only in your mind. For example if it takes a little while to figure out who can supervise the visits, then just work with your recovery to create a boundary (read a book while he visits or make all your phone calls, etc?).
Telling you he "brought out the worst in you" is a sideways way of telling you he dealt with you worst...it is blaming and deflecting and it is not his place to state it. If you feel, ever, that your relationship (the three of you: you, him and active addiction) brought out the worst in you, then that is your place to understand it and love that part of yourself. He has no right crossing into your boundaries. Maybe it brought out the BEST in you...maybe it brought you to make really hard decisions to protect your well being and that of your daughter. Maybe it brought out your best capacity to create healthy boundaries.
You do not need him testing your boundaries. As far as your brother is concerned? Don't take it on...more blame spreading by your ex. If you have spoken with your brother, fine, now he knows that you know. You do not need to ask more questions and expect truth or lies. You are not leaving your daughter alone with him...
immersion in SR and al anon for a booster shot on boundaries and serenity
you deserve it, you have done a lot of hard work
the last phone call of "concern" is passive aggressive and manipulative...do a lot of prayers around that one...I am praying for you too
It is unfortunate, for this reason, that you are bound in the unhealthy communication due to the visits. I agree that it would be best to have a neutral party handle the visits. Also, concerning maybe at least part of the emotional that your daughter experiences post-visit...part of that my be that she is picking up on the unhealthy connection between the two of you...not your fault whatsoever, but I only imagine it exists? He is not deep into recovery enough yet to handle communication with you in a way that promotes healing and serenity...thus your feelings of betrayal and hurt get triggered.
I think the best thing you can do is bone up on your meetings and your own resolve to healthy boundaries...even if they exist only in your mind. For example if it takes a little while to figure out who can supervise the visits, then just work with your recovery to create a boundary (read a book while he visits or make all your phone calls, etc?).
Telling you he "brought out the worst in you" is a sideways way of telling you he dealt with you worst...it is blaming and deflecting and it is not his place to state it. If you feel, ever, that your relationship (the three of you: you, him and active addiction) brought out the worst in you, then that is your place to understand it and love that part of yourself. He has no right crossing into your boundaries. Maybe it brought out the BEST in you...maybe it brought you to make really hard decisions to protect your well being and that of your daughter. Maybe it brought out your best capacity to create healthy boundaries.
You do not need him testing your boundaries. As far as your brother is concerned? Don't take it on...more blame spreading by your ex. If you have spoken with your brother, fine, now he knows that you know. You do not need to ask more questions and expect truth or lies. You are not leaving your daughter alone with him...
immersion in SR and al anon for a booster shot on boundaries and serenity
you deserve it, you have done a lot of hard work
the last phone call of "concern" is passive aggressive and manipulative...do a lot of prayers around that one...I am praying for you too
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
From experience with my ex, it sounds like he is trying to drum up drama....
1. Constant mysterious issues involving your daughter leading to....
2. You getting in a panic state and wondering what is going on. Then....
3. Demands to change the parenting agreement. After all, he is seeing issues you aren't so he is the better parent, right?
Then for me, it went on to....
4. Threats to go to court and get the parenting agreement changed unless I made immediate concessions, mostly motivated by....
5. Resentments regarding child support.
I learned not to react until all was revealed. Vague references to issues, implications of court action....blech. Passive agressive bullcrap disguised as genuine concern - common abusive technique. His intent was to get me agitated so I would act in a panic and give him whatever he wanted.
I don't know if that is what's going on here but it sure sounds familiar....
1. Constant mysterious issues involving your daughter leading to....
2. You getting in a panic state and wondering what is going on. Then....
3. Demands to change the parenting agreement. After all, he is seeing issues you aren't so he is the better parent, right?
Then for me, it went on to....
4. Threats to go to court and get the parenting agreement changed unless I made immediate concessions, mostly motivated by....
5. Resentments regarding child support.
I learned not to react until all was revealed. Vague references to issues, implications of court action....blech. Passive agressive bullcrap disguised as genuine concern - common abusive technique. His intent was to get me agitated so I would act in a panic and give him whatever he wanted.
I don't know if that is what's going on here but it sure sounds familiar....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 159
Hi everyone - this is all SO VERY HELPFUL - thank you!
Outtolunch - he is paying child support - it comes out of his unemployment, but he owes me a couple months back payment.
Purple squirrel - you are right!!!!!!!!!!! He has asked for more visits. Ironically, he is getting back "in" with his parents...the latest is that my MIL (well, former mother in law) was supposed to be picking up daughter from daycare on Thursday. My birthday happens to be Thursday and I said I would pick up my daughter from their house in time to have dinner with her. I finally got this into her head after about 3 emails. Well, just got email from ex saying he is going over to his parents Thursday and "oh, is it okay if our daughter is there while I am"? Uh, NO!!!! That is not your visitation day and it will set the evening up for disaster. Now I feel like I am dealing with two manipulators...argh! I left a "nice" email to ex explaining that thursday isn't the visit day, if you show and then I come it will be very confusing to our daughter, and let's stick to the schedule for Friday's visit. I am thinking I may need to have him join me for a visit with the child psychologist so he understands the importance of the schedule.
Leslie - thanks for your insights as well - much appreciated. I was thinking that my ex in laws could be supervisors for one night a week, and am going to talk to the child psychologist about it. However, they can be a little "wacky" and tough to deal with at times, but the upside is that they could have time with our daughter during the visits, and I would have one night a week with "me time" and while also giving me more boundaries.
Another random piece of drama - My father in law came to my office today because he thought I was badmouthing their son to my customers...long story short my nephew overheard a conversation with one of ex-'s former business associates and they thought it was a customer of mine, which it wasn't. I tell ya, the drama over the last few days has been unreal!
What is the intent of an addict to drum up drama??? I don't get it. He says he is actively going to meetings, working with a sponsor, is moving from one sober housing unit to another where he is going to get 1/2 off rent to do some operations work....He is now in this new "spiritual" state and off his bi-polar meds; he is starting to sound all manic to me...I don't know what is going on...is this typical with recovery?
Outtolunch - he is paying child support - it comes out of his unemployment, but he owes me a couple months back payment.
Purple squirrel - you are right!!!!!!!!!!! He has asked for more visits. Ironically, he is getting back "in" with his parents...the latest is that my MIL (well, former mother in law) was supposed to be picking up daughter from daycare on Thursday. My birthday happens to be Thursday and I said I would pick up my daughter from their house in time to have dinner with her. I finally got this into her head after about 3 emails. Well, just got email from ex saying he is going over to his parents Thursday and "oh, is it okay if our daughter is there while I am"? Uh, NO!!!! That is not your visitation day and it will set the evening up for disaster. Now I feel like I am dealing with two manipulators...argh! I left a "nice" email to ex explaining that thursday isn't the visit day, if you show and then I come it will be very confusing to our daughter, and let's stick to the schedule for Friday's visit. I am thinking I may need to have him join me for a visit with the child psychologist so he understands the importance of the schedule.
Leslie - thanks for your insights as well - much appreciated. I was thinking that my ex in laws could be supervisors for one night a week, and am going to talk to the child psychologist about it. However, they can be a little "wacky" and tough to deal with at times, but the upside is that they could have time with our daughter during the visits, and I would have one night a week with "me time" and while also giving me more boundaries.
Another random piece of drama - My father in law came to my office today because he thought I was badmouthing their son to my customers...long story short my nephew overheard a conversation with one of ex-'s former business associates and they thought it was a customer of mine, which it wasn't. I tell ya, the drama over the last few days has been unreal!
What is the intent of an addict to drum up drama??? I don't get it. He says he is actively going to meetings, working with a sponsor, is moving from one sober housing unit to another where he is going to get 1/2 off rent to do some operations work....He is now in this new "spiritual" state and off his bi-polar meds; he is starting to sound all manic to me...I don't know what is going on...is this typical with recovery?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
One potential purpose could be to take the focus off of their bad feelings about their past actions and place that focus on what isn't right with everything around them.
For example, he knows he used drugs, but bringing up your brother's use could make him feel not so alone, not so terrible.
And it just seems very sanctimonious to say he has "concerns about some things that have come to his attention" yet then he refuses to share them.
For example, he knows he used drugs, but bringing up your brother's use could make him feel not so alone, not so terrible.
And it just seems very sanctimonious to say he has "concerns about some things that have come to his attention" yet then he refuses to share them.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 45
Ugh...he came to your work! How inappropriate! At least you know where your ex learned his manipulation techniques from.
Anyway, I have put in place a policy with my AH that we will no longer discuss "us". There is no "us" anymore, we are simply waiting until we can legally divorce, so what's the point? My AH was doing the same thing, like text messages in the middle of the night hinting at vague things and saying emails would come later to explain and of course they didn't. Saying I wouldn't talk about us has made life much easier, so I recommend trying to do the same. There is no reason for you to have to be stressed out just because he's bored and wants to manipulate you and create a mess.
As far as your brother, sadly I'd believe the worst. It doesn't mean he's necessarily actively using right now, but I wouldn't leave your little one alone with him. Plus, it won't really look good in court if you are knowingly leaving your child with a drug addict alone.
Finally, I'd be very concerned that he is bi-polar and off his meds. There is no telling what he'll do or what kind of drama he's going to bring into your life. I can completely understand not wanting to have a 3rd party involved with visitations for your daughter and you supervising...I do the same thing, but personally I would try not to increase his visits to 3 times a week until he's calmed down.
Anyway, I have put in place a policy with my AH that we will no longer discuss "us". There is no "us" anymore, we are simply waiting until we can legally divorce, so what's the point? My AH was doing the same thing, like text messages in the middle of the night hinting at vague things and saying emails would come later to explain and of course they didn't. Saying I wouldn't talk about us has made life much easier, so I recommend trying to do the same. There is no reason for you to have to be stressed out just because he's bored and wants to manipulate you and create a mess.
As far as your brother, sadly I'd believe the worst. It doesn't mean he's necessarily actively using right now, but I wouldn't leave your little one alone with him. Plus, it won't really look good in court if you are knowingly leaving your child with a drug addict alone.
Finally, I'd be very concerned that he is bi-polar and off his meds. There is no telling what he'll do or what kind of drama he's going to bring into your life. I can completely understand not wanting to have a 3rd party involved with visitations for your daughter and you supervising...I do the same thing, but personally I would try not to increase his visits to 3 times a week until he's calmed down.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by itsanewday2011 
What is the intent of an addict to drum up drama???
Drama loses when we choose to disengage from it. Who cares what so and so said or thinks? Giving other people's perceptions any power over us is a choice we make when we engage.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
I am going through a slightly simialr situation, BUT he is not going through rehab. I think he is manipulating you. What I have noticed with my x addict is that he is very unreasonable and delusional. There is no rationalizing with him. Every convo I have with him leads to pain. I would find a 3rd party to go to visitations, do what your intuition says is right concerning your child, and have very littler to no contact with him. Let him go.
It is so hard. Praying for you and stay strong!
It is so hard. Praying for you and stay strong!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 159
Thank you everyone.
Outtolunch - you bring up a good point - I know I need to work on controlling my reactions. I lived on drama for close to a year - it was like a "high" every time a new piece of chaos hit.
Now he is wanting to collect "1/2 of our possessions" in our house (he hasn't lived here since last March). He is living in sober housing and doesn't have room, and doesn't plan on moving for over a year. Also, our divorce was final 6 months ago. Not sure the urgency of this issue that all of a sudden is so important to him.
He keeps calling and saying we need to get over texting and emailing, but I can't do any more than that right now so am going to send him an email and say we need to limit conversations to the topic of our daughter for now. I am meeting with the child pysch to see if she thinks ex-s parents could be supervisors for visitations.
I am fed up.
Outtolunch - you bring up a good point - I know I need to work on controlling my reactions. I lived on drama for close to a year - it was like a "high" every time a new piece of chaos hit.
Now he is wanting to collect "1/2 of our possessions" in our house (he hasn't lived here since last March). He is living in sober housing and doesn't have room, and doesn't plan on moving for over a year. Also, our divorce was final 6 months ago. Not sure the urgency of this issue that all of a sudden is so important to him.
He keeps calling and saying we need to get over texting and emailing, but I can't do any more than that right now so am going to send him an email and say we need to limit conversations to the topic of our daughter for now. I am meeting with the child pysch to see if she thinks ex-s parents could be supervisors for visitations.
I am fed up.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Hang in there. This whole thing is a process. I am where you are too, fed up!
Stick to your boundries...I have a hard time with this. But getting better! I actually wrote them down this week! I should stick them on my mirror.
I, too, have moved to a 3rd party for visitation. I don't like it one bit, but I think it just has to happen.
Blessings! Stay strong!
Stick to your boundries...I have a hard time with this. But getting better! I actually wrote them down this week! I should stick them on my mirror.
I, too, have moved to a 3rd party for visitation. I don't like it one bit, but I think it just has to happen.
Blessings! Stay strong!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 159
Thanks Story. Remind me, how old is your child? I asked my ex-in laws if they would do the supervision one night a week - they were going to talk about it and let me know. Even if I just had to do one day, that would give me one free night a week to work late, exercise, run errands, have dinner with a friend, or just chill.
Thanks for the encouragement. I hope you are able to stick to your boundaries too! good work!
Thanks for the encouragement. I hope you are able to stick to your boundaries too! good work!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: White Sulphur Springs,W.V.
Posts: 46
If hes not willing to keep the times hes already been given then I would just tell him until he can be consistent he will no longer be allowed to spend time with her.But you must be willing to stand your ground even if threatened with court action because you see my ex-wife is trying the same thing.I know that she wont go because she has been so inconsistent with what she has already been give that the judge will not grant her more.I dont even receive child support from her so she wont be able to leverage that against me.It makes it hard for me and also causes a lot of anxiety which in turn has been a trigger for me in the past.But Ive decided that my sobriety and the well being of my children are worth it .Sobriety isn't easy and is full of many challenges but if we meet them with strength and courage God will honor our faithfulness and give us the wisdom and strength to be victorious.Even when facing adversity.Be strong.
Deuteronomy31:6
Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid of them! The LORD your God will go ahead of you.He will neither fail you nor forsake you.
Deuteronomy31:6
Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid of them! The LORD your God will go ahead of you.He will neither fail you nor forsake you.
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