Sick of Having to Ask, "What Did I Do Last Night?"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: La la land, CT
Posts: 1
Sick of Having to Ask, "What Did I Do Last Night?"
Hello All,
I have been a binge drinker since I was a teenager and have always denied that I had a problem because I would not drink everyday. I would drink once a week as a teen and twenty something and then maybe a few times a month as a thirty something. Sometimes I would have pleasant experiences but most times I would drink insane amounts of liquor and do insane things, like smoke a cigarette on a third story balcony that was covered in ice, or pass out or black out. I also had a habit of telling everybody that I loved them to the point that I came off as a deranged Care Bear. I justified this behavior by saying, "At least I'm a happy drunk".
I was told that people found me annoying when I drank but I wouldn't stop. I'd wake up in strange places, wonder how I got home and wake up in a panic thinking, "What did I do last night?" The answer to that question would often result in days of emotional suffering. I'd be so ashamed. I knew in my heart that I was that cliche drunk that dances on a table with a lamp shade on their head. But I didn't want to stop because I was obsessed with short term gratification. When people said I should stop drinking I just laughed and said, "Hey, I'm the female Keith Richards", and made a joke out of my disdain for moderation (no offense to Keith).
One day I decided that I feared for my liver, as I drank the hard stuff for years during these binges. I decided I'd drink 2 drinks when I went out but ended up getting Long Island Iced Teas which have about 3 shots in them which is like 6 hard drinks. So on New Years Eve I embarrassed myself of course. I acted so crazy according to other guests at the party that I now have a fear of booze. I have decided that I no longer want that panic of "What did I do last night?" because that answer causes so much stress. So I realized that I have no self control around alcohol and I quit. I fear that if I don't quit I will not have any friends left and that I will get hammered and act like an idiot and pass out at my own wedding.
Just had to vent because the guilt and shame are driving me crazy. But I really feel that this time I'm done. Nice to meet you all and I appreciate everybody's honesty with the mortifying things they used to do, it makes me feel like I am not alone. Happy Sober New Year!
:
I have been a binge drinker since I was a teenager and have always denied that I had a problem because I would not drink everyday. I would drink once a week as a teen and twenty something and then maybe a few times a month as a thirty something. Sometimes I would have pleasant experiences but most times I would drink insane amounts of liquor and do insane things, like smoke a cigarette on a third story balcony that was covered in ice, or pass out or black out. I also had a habit of telling everybody that I loved them to the point that I came off as a deranged Care Bear. I justified this behavior by saying, "At least I'm a happy drunk".
I was told that people found me annoying when I drank but I wouldn't stop. I'd wake up in strange places, wonder how I got home and wake up in a panic thinking, "What did I do last night?" The answer to that question would often result in days of emotional suffering. I'd be so ashamed. I knew in my heart that I was that cliche drunk that dances on a table with a lamp shade on their head. But I didn't want to stop because I was obsessed with short term gratification. When people said I should stop drinking I just laughed and said, "Hey, I'm the female Keith Richards", and made a joke out of my disdain for moderation (no offense to Keith).
One day I decided that I feared for my liver, as I drank the hard stuff for years during these binges. I decided I'd drink 2 drinks when I went out but ended up getting Long Island Iced Teas which have about 3 shots in them which is like 6 hard drinks. So on New Years Eve I embarrassed myself of course. I acted so crazy according to other guests at the party that I now have a fear of booze. I have decided that I no longer want that panic of "What did I do last night?" because that answer causes so much stress. So I realized that I have no self control around alcohol and I quit. I fear that if I don't quit I will not have any friends left and that I will get hammered and act like an idiot and pass out at my own wedding.
Just had to vent because the guilt and shame are driving me crazy. But I really feel that this time I'm done. Nice to meet you all and I appreciate everybody's honesty with the mortifying things they used to do, it makes me feel like I am not alone. Happy Sober New Year!
:
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,574
I know what you mean, cheerbear. I had a similar attitude once. It was hard to comprehend that what had once been fun & relaxing was now sucking the life out of me. It got to the point that every time I picked up - unpredictable & dangerous things happened. In the end, it just brought me misery.
You have a positive attitude - congratulations on your decision. 2012's going to be a great year for cheerbear.
You have a positive attitude - congratulations on your decision. 2012's going to be a great year for cheerbear.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 12
Dear cheerbear, reading your post is like reading something I have written. I also suffer from 'what did I do last night?' syndrome. I have been aware for a few years now that I am in transition from loveable drunk, dancing on the tables, to an unreliable and dangerous alcoholic and it has to stop.
I am wishing you all the success you are aiming for!
I am wishing you all the success you are aiming for!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
I drank like that too, and would ask people to tell me what I did and said, and who and where I might have to stay away from.
Eventually I stopped asking people what I did, as it was never good news. Those early periods of my drinking were followed by trying to not hear when people insisted on informing me of some pretty unbelievable things they said I'd done against my clearly expressed wish they'd just shut up about it all.
Glad to hear you're stopping for a while, at least for that long you'll know where you've been and what you did/said.
Once you've become a blackout drunk it's what you can expect to continue should you go back on the sauce. So, enjoy your break from the life without all the mysterious blank spaces.
Ever wonder where 'that which is you' goes to during those times?
Eventually I stopped asking people what I did, as it was never good news. Those early periods of my drinking were followed by trying to not hear when people insisted on informing me of some pretty unbelievable things they said I'd done against my clearly expressed wish they'd just shut up about it all.
Glad to hear you're stopping for a while, at least for that long you'll know where you've been and what you did/said.
Once you've become a blackout drunk it's what you can expect to continue should you go back on the sauce. So, enjoy your break from the life without all the mysterious blank spaces.
Ever wonder where 'that which is you' goes to during those times?
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
Welcome Cheerbear.
I hate to have to ask myself that question and I hate meeting someone later on and not remembering them and finding out I was talking to them for hours.
I sometimes wonder about the other people I may have talked to who aren't that glad to see me again.
Good luck on your quest.
I hate to have to ask myself that question and I hate meeting someone later on and not remembering them and finding out I was talking to them for hours.
I sometimes wonder about the other people I may have talked to who aren't that glad to see me again.
Good luck on your quest.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Welcome cheerbear! Quitting is a great decision. What are you doing to help yourself? Here is a great start. I used here as a major part of my sobriety and also used in hospital detox, two Docs, AA, my family and friends support from before I checked into detox, and counseling. I don't want to go through that again. So all of the above were my recovery plan. What are you including in your recovery plan because in day two you sure will need some plans and backup and a doc who knows exactly what you are doing and how much you drank before to help you through detox or at least know to go to the ER if anything scary happens.
Good Luck! And welcome once again.
Good Luck! And welcome once again.
stepping on my way...
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,079
i am not trying to make light of your situation but with me being on day 2 of sobriety and an emotional wreck....your "deranged carebear" statement made me laugh so hard...so thanks for that 
Good luck on your journey and enjoy life when you dont miss ANY of it
Good luck on your journey and enjoy life when you dont miss ANY of it
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,937
I hated not remembering what I did the night before.
Although I mostly drank at home, many times I would hide my booze in the trunk of my car so my wife wouldn't find it. Sometimes if I had a bunch of empty beer cans in there I would lock my car at night, and then hide my car keys so my wife wouldn't find them and for some reason open up my trunk.
Many times I hid my keys so well that it took me an hour to find them the next morning. I'm glad I don't do that anymore.
Although I mostly drank at home, many times I would hide my booze in the trunk of my car so my wife wouldn't find it. Sometimes if I had a bunch of empty beer cans in there I would lock my car at night, and then hide my car keys so my wife wouldn't find them and for some reason open up my trunk.
Many times I hid my keys so well that it took me an hour to find them the next morning. I'm glad I don't do that anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 84
Sounds like it's time. I still shiver with embarrassment about things I did years ago while wasted. I get great pleasure knowing I haven't done anything to be ashamed of for quite awhile now. Itchy's right, get a support system. This site is great, but connect with others in person at an AA meeting or see a counselor that specializes in chemical addiction treatment. Good luck creating some positive new memories.
Sober date- 6-13-11
Sober date- 6-13-11
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Northern Ireland
Posts: 129
Hi Cheerbear and welcome!
I too am a blackout drunk and hate hate HATE the huge gaps in my memory after a night out. I have to say, they only got worse as time went on as well. It's so embarrassing and demeaning to see the look on someone's face when they realise that you haven't a clue what they are talking about when they refer to some conversation or event that took place the night before. And then to see that look replaced with pity... and worry... and sometimes disgust - it's not a good feeling.
I hope that you achieve your aim and never have to ask those questions again! Welcome to SR!
I too am a blackout drunk and hate hate HATE the huge gaps in my memory after a night out. I have to say, they only got worse as time went on as well. It's so embarrassing and demeaning to see the look on someone's face when they realise that you haven't a clue what they are talking about when they refer to some conversation or event that took place the night before. And then to see that look replaced with pity... and worry... and sometimes disgust - it's not a good feeling.
I hope that you achieve your aim and never have to ask those questions again! Welcome to SR!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Kansas City, Mo
Posts: 40
No sir,you're not alone. We all have those embarrassing alcohol induced moments we wish we could erase...I think the important thing is now focusing on never compromising our sobriety so those less than attractive moments are a thing of the past...good luck
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
You're not alone! Since I mostly drank at home, I would have to ask my husband what I did after I blacked out every night and it was NEVER good. Not to mention all of the drunken Facebooking and emailing I would do! I would get on my computer in the morning and be horrified by all the stupid, nonsensical stuff I would write. I'm not sure if the Facebook stuff or the emails were worse!
The point is, we've all had those moments, and for a lot of us, those were exactly what made us give up the bottle. Now if I get embarrassed over something I do, I can't blame the booze, I can only blame my own stupidity. lol Good luck.
The point is, we've all had those moments, and for a lot of us, those were exactly what made us give up the bottle. Now if I get embarrassed over something I do, I can't blame the booze, I can only blame my own stupidity. lol Good luck.
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