posiesperson

So the kiddos come home today after a week with their father's side of the family. They found out their father has a girlfriend, a woman he introduced them to last month as his "friend." And how did they find out? They looked over at him at midnight on New Year's Eve, to see him kissing the girlfriend.

My older teen asked him why he hadn't told them that he has a girlfriend. His response? "I didn't know how to tell you."

I contained my response when my kids were telling me this, but REALLY?! Seriously? Well, that was one way to tell them. And it totally sucks, it's the same insane crap as always. In the meantime I'm also in a new (4 month old) relationship and have moved carefully and slowly with regard to my kids. They haven't met my boyfriend but they know about him...I talk with them as they ask questions, periodically ask them about their feelings about the fact that I have a boyfriend, yadda, yadda, yadda. I talk to my therapist about how to best keep my kids' best interests as the focus, don't plan to introduce the boyfriend for about another 2 months (assuming all continues to go very well), etc.

ARGH. I'm struggling to remember that's MY approach to life, and it's my recovery I need to focus on. They have to know their father for who he is, but CRAP, that's difficult sometimes!!!

In addition, last week he told them he's thinking of taking a job out of state. While that delights me on many, many levels, he has told the kids and everyone else among our mutual friends that he has been offered the job, but hasn't told me. Of course. And to make it even more interesting, I just received the court date in the mail--later in January. Another drain on my time, money and energy resources, thanks to the exH. Yeah, I'm dealing with some resentment.

The insanity goes on and on...the trick is to not get on that ride. Sometimes it's tough. I'm trying to work the program, go to meetings, do reading, post here, write (including a gratitude list), meditate, etc.

Any other suggestions? I know many of you have dealt with this kind of nonsense. I'm just having a little trouble seeing the forest through the trees right now.

Sigh. At least I can add 2 more things to my gratitude list: 1. Nuisance exH potentially moving a few hours away. 2. Nuisance exH has a girlfriend. Here's hoping it will take some heat off of me--I've been hoping he'd get a girlfriend (& some kind of life without me as the focus) for quite some time.

posie

choublak

There are certain people in our lives who are beyond surprising us, who we wouldn't put anything past. If someone in your life is driving you crazy, seeing them in that light makes it a little easier to deal with, I think.

That may seem hard to do, but it gets easier with practice. To the point where instead of thinking something like, "What?! Why would he/she do that?!" it's more like, "Okay...I wonder what they'll do next..." and maybe raise an eyebrow, if that.

Tuffgirl

None of us are perfect at completely detaching or not reacting to craziness. You sound like you handled this news as best you could - and with some grace by acknowledging the positive (girlfriend to take the heat off you, and a move out of state) instead of focusing on the negative aspects of it all.

I think that's about the best any of us can do - focus on what's positive and let the negative be.

NYCDoglvr

Detaching from an alcoholic is a process and in the interest of self love we should look for progress, not perfection. It sounds like you've made a good deal of progress in changing your life. It always helps me to remember that feelings aren't facts ... just because you're mired in the past one day doesn't mean you'll be there tomorrow.